If people like Ted Kennedy and Howard Metzenbaum get their way, America will become The land of the Fee and the home of the Slave. --unknown Is it any wonder the Japanese hold us in such contempt? They call us crybabies and who are we to disagree? Those guys play for keeps, just like we used to before we decided that surrender was infinitely preferable to sacrifice. That the way to personal satisfaction was to hold hands around the campfire. That a pose of sincerity was more important than either competence or experience. --Michael S. Malone In the end, one or the other will triumph--a funeral dirge will be sung over the Soviet republic or over world capitalism. --V.I. Lenin, 1920 To err is human, to moo; bovine. --unknown I went to the movies by myself the other night and sat down. A few minutes later a priest came in and pointed to the seat next to mine and said "Is this seat saved?". "No", I said, "but it is willing to listen." --John Fereira GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible to accomplish complex actions. --Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards) I see a divine hand in this AIDS thing. --Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee Sign in the vestry of a Church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." --unknown A preposition is a prefectly good thing to end a sentence with. --unknown People, not commercial organizations or chains of command, are what make great civilizations work. Every civilization depends upon the quality of the individuals it produces. If you over-organize humans, over-legalize them, supress their urge to greatness -- they cannot work, and their civilization collapses. --Frank Herbert from "Children of Dune" I'd sign on for the War on Drugs if they'd include alcohol and nicotine on the official hit list. --Dale Worley I'm not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else's. --unknown Limit congressmen to two terms. One in office. One in jail. --unknown "Fault Tolerant Computing" means having redundant coffee machines and at least two good Szechuan restaurants within easy walking distance. -notebooks of a heretic If it ain't broke, don't touch it. --The Unix way If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. --Maintainer's Motto A horse is a horse, ofcourse, ofcourse, He follows a lifestyle we don't en- dorse, He drinks the blood of a sheep by force, The vampire horse Count Ed! --Miquel van Smoorenburg A "sucking chest wound" is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Incoming fire always has right of way. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark. --Christian Slater I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear. --former Mich. gov. George Romney Any excuse will serve a tyrant. --Aesop "... the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." -- offer void where prohibited by law -- I like a man who grins when he fights. --Winston Churchill Intel: putting the 'backward' in 'backward compatible'... --unknown Thinking is a momentary dismissal of irrelevancies. --R. Buckminster Fuller (1969) Good advice is something you give when you're too old to set a bad example. --unknown A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. --Robert A. Heinlein Ted Kennedy thought he had the (presidential) nomination in his pocket. His problem was he couldn't find his pants. --David Brinkley I understand the chairman of the Senate Ethics comittee is going to examine the check-bouncing scandal with a microscope. ...makes sense... If you're going to look at ethics in Congress, a microscope is what you need. --Jay Leno A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither. --John Stuart Mill In some parts of the city curiosity didn't just kill the cat, it threw it in the river with lead weights tied to its feet. --Terry Pratchett, "Sourcery" Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell, and make you look forward to the trip. --unknown Kludges are conceived of man's natural fallibility, nourished by his loyalty to erroneous opinion, and perfected by the human capacity to apply maximum effort only when proceeding in the wrong direction. --New Scientist 22 Dec. 1966 pg. 699 (from oed2, on-line OED) Knowing how things work is the basis for appreciation, and is thus a source of civilized delight. --William Safire She was the kind of woman who lived for others. You could tell the others by their hunted look. --C.S. Lewis A tax is a compulsory payment for which no specific benefit is received. --United States Department of the Treasury Of what is oatmeal made? 48% of Americans said wheat. --Harper's The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. --unknown If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. --unknown Excerpted (and probably paraphrased) from an interview with Gen. William T. Sherman: Q: General, is not a Negro as good as a white man at stopping a bullet? A: Yes, but a sandbag is better. Man loves little and often, women much and rarely. --Basta Love is an ocean of emotions, surrounded by expenses! --Lord Dewar The only victory over love is flight. --Napoleon LOVE - A grave mental disease. --Plato Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward. --Thomas Fuller Every woman should marry - and no man. --Disraeli A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. --Danish Proverb Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed! --Wilde The woman cries before the wedding, the man afterward. --Polish Proverb A man finds himself seven years older the day after his marriage. --Bacon Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. --Anon Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. --unknown Upward compatibility: a manufacturer's commitment to previous mistakes. --unknown Note to DOS users: UNIX is a lot more fun. --Peter Norton Government exists to protect us from each other. Where Government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves. --Ronald Reagan - NYT April 13, 1980 This is your Brain: (unix) This is your Brain on drugs: (MSDOS) --unknown And as we all know from experiments conducted during the Korean War, Diane, sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis. --FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, "Twin Peaks" They have one big advantage over us: *they* know where they're going. --Batman MS-DOS is one of those rare environments where applications are written around the operating system rather than under it. --unknown The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. --unknown I prefer a small government which may permit some evil to a huge government which promotes evil at my expense. --unknown The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully. --Russian Proverb Simmons' Law of Alcoholic Expectations: The best stuff always happens after the meeting, when everyone goes to the bar. --unknown Corollary to Simmons' Law of Alcoholic Expectations: Any meeting which doesn't adjourn to the bar isn't worth going to. --unknown Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them. --unknown Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. --B. Behan I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. --Steven Wright Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. --unknown Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates. (pulls trigger) ...Well, what do you know... it disintegrated. --Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century User friendly software: Software so obliging that it assumes a priori that the user is incapable of getting their job done without being asked "are you *SURE*!?" and generally treated like an ignoramus. --notebooks of a heretic Good design means less design. Design must serve users, not try to fool them. --Dieter Rams, Chief Designer, Braun If you can get them to ask the wrong questions, it doesn't matter what the answers are. --Thomas Pynchon I'd love to go out with you, but I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. --unknown Jesus Saves. Moses Invests. Buddha collects the Rent. --unknown [George Bush] is a man who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple. --Jim Hightower I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. --Lillian Hellman in a letter to the House Un-American Activities Committee, May 19, 1952. When you're swimmin in a creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a Moray... --Pete Hartman The nation faces this year, just as it did last year, a tremendous deficit in the federal budget. But in the President's message there was no sense of sacrifice on the part of the government, no assignment of priorities, no hint of the need to put first things first. --George Bush, 1968, critiquing LBJ USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #1: "Akbar khalo-kili haftir loftan" (Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #2: "Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar" (I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #3: "Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande" (I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #4: "Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh hast" (It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #5: "Fashal eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeseayah mohemara jebehk" (If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital regions, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #6: "Khrel jepaheh maneh vajayeh Amrikahey" (I will tell you the names of many American spies travelling as reporters) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #7: "Balli Balli Balli!" (Whatever you say!) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #8: "Maternier ghermez ahlieh ghorban" (The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency) USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS #9: "Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram" (The water-soaked breadcrumbs were delicious, I would like the recipe) Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. --unknown One time I removed all the hair from a mouse with Nair-Hair just to see what it looked like. And it looked beautiful. --David Lynch, creator of "Twin Peaks" The Post Office raises the price of stamps, becomes a paying sponsor of the Olympics, then purchases ad time on tv to brag about it. Is this a great country or what? --unknown Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. --"Cheers" The two major things that have come out of Berkeley are LSD and Unix, and we are not convinced that they are unrelated. --unknown Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves. --William Pitt (1783) I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature. --Thomas Jefferson People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs. --unknown Ride a motorcycle. Save Gas, Oil, Rubber, Steel, Aluminum, Parking Spaces, The Environment, and Money. Plus, you get to wear all the leather you want! --Rich Chandler Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. --Robert A. Heinlein A distributed system is one where a system you've never heard of and are not using can cause you to fail. --unknown I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work. --Gallagher Wherever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger of oppression. --James Madison An alcoholic is a man you don't like who drinks as much as you do. --Dylan Thomas I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks. --Daniel Boone We are truly at the end of an era -- BSD UNIX and Yes are dead, the politics of the time are conservative, the idea of having fun is becoming more and more forbidden, the USA no longer controls its own economy, and we have strangled ourselves by litigating against innovation. --greywolf@ossi.com Sarah Young: Who is the Prince of Darkness ... in unix-land? Chip Salzenberg: I'd nominate Bill Gates, father of MS-DOESN'T and godfather of Windoze. I'm certainly going into this as a dog-eat-dog fight, and I will do what I have to do to be re-elected. --George Bush Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? The truth hurts. Oh sure, maybe not as much as jumping onto a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts. --Scott Campbell The 3 most useless things in flying: Altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the truck. --Will Crowder Best anagram of George Herbert Walker Bush: Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog --Lindsey Durway ...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded... --Plato, "Phaedrus" If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it. --Tom Lehrer Every passing hour brings the solar system 43,000 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in Hercules, and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. --Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. --Steven Wright He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave. --Sir William Drummond Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. --Calvin of "Calvin & Hobbes" After you stop believing in Santa Claus, the whole world just goes downhill. --Tom Clancy I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. --Steven Wright Don't steal. The government hates competition. --Jeff Cooper Withdrawing in disgust is not apathy. Vote none of the above. --Jerry Sullivan A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. --Benjamin Franklin Bureaucracy: turning energy into solid waste. --unknown John Gotti for president. If we're going to have a crook in the White House, let's have a competent one who knows how to run a business without being robbed blind by his subordinates. --unknown If you make $50,000 today, you have the same buying power as the average coal miner did in 1949, adjusted for taxes and inflation. --John Sestina, nationally known Certified Financial Planner (1987) If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. --George Benard Shaw First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers. --Shakespeare I hate quotations. --Ralph Waldo Emerson Sure we should sell California to the Japanese. It's going to fall into the ocean anyway. --Heard on a talk show. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to complain bitterly about the plight of the socket. --Tundra Tim Daneliuk You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. --Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit. --Monty Python Mountain Dew and sushi: not just for breakfast anymore. --Stephen Friedl Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch. --Ron Wanttaja UNIX is a bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. --Chris Torek and/or Mike Urban Nobody likes nuclear bombs. We're trying to get rid of them. --DOE Secretary James Watkins Programmer /prougraema/, n. A person who spends his time trying to explain to a computer the imaginative fantasies of the Marketing department. This involves translating from one unintelligible series of hieroglyphics to another. See "Lunacy". --Hacker's Dictionary Hardware, n. The part of a computer system that can be kicked. --Hacker's Dictionary Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. --M. Twain Yesterday, I got food poisoning. I haven't decided when I'm going to use it. --Steven Wright Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. --Fred Allen The genius of you Americans is that you never make any clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves that leave us scratching our heads wondering if we might possibly have missed something. --Gamel Abdel Nasser If all the veins in your body were laid end to end, you'd be dead. "Oh, the world's most decrepit room-service waiter remembers nothing out of the ordinary about the night in question, no surprise there." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "You tell me, vigilante justice or just clean country living?" --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Look, it's trying to think." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "I've got compassion running out of my nose, pal. I'm the sultan of sentiment." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Senor Drool Cup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "...either Josie Packard pulled the trigger or she's loaning her winterwear to the wrong kind of people." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Cooper, I do not suffer fools gladly, and fools with badges never!" --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Cooper, an observation. I don't know where this is headed, but the only one of us with the coordinates for this destination in his hardware is you. Go on whatever vision quest you require. Stand on the rim of the volcano, stand alone and do your dance. Just find this beast before he takes another bite." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Has anyone seen BOB on earth in the past few weeks?" --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Currently appearing at the Calhoun Memorial Hospital as Mr. Potato Head." --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "Mr. Horne, I recognize that your position in this fair community necessitates venality, insincerity, and a certain irritating manner of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not a necessarily inherent trait. Therefore, please listen closely--You can have a funeral any old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week or even tomorrow--I must perform them now....I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling!" --Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist, "Twin Peaks" "I know Andy. I know. I know. I know. It's what we call a real three hanky crime." --Agent Rosenfield speaking to Deputy Brennan, "Twin Peaks" "How do you feel?" "Me?" "I believe it's customary to ask after the health of one recently plugged three times." "Thanks for asking." "Don't get sentimental." --Agents Rosenfield and Cooper, "Twin Peaks" "Coop, about the uniform." "Yes, Albert?" "Usually, replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie for the casual indifference of these muted earthtones is a form of fashion suicide. But, call me crazy, on you it works." --Agents Rosenfield and Cooper, "Twin Peaks" "I have only been in Twin Peaks a short time, but in that time I have seen decency, honor and dignity. Murder is not a faceless event here; it is not a statistic to be tallied up at the end of the day. Laura Palmer's death has affected each and every man, woman and child, because life has meaning here, every life. That's a way of living I thought had vanished from the Earth, but it hasn't, Albert; it's right here in Twin Peaks." "Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms." --Agents Cooper and Rosenfield, "Twin Peaks" "Bobby Briggs." "What's he doing here?" "He doesn't look sick." "Sheriff Truman, to see this kind of investigative genius at work, it's just a real treat for me." --Sheriff Truman, Cooper, Truman again, and Rosenfield, "Twin Peaks" "Anything we should be working on?" "Yeah, try not dragging your knuckles on the ground when you walk!" --Sheriff Truman and Agent Rosenfield, "Twin Peaks" "Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup collides with ham." --Dale Cooper, FBI Special Agent, "Twin Peaks" You can get further with a kind word and a gun than a kind word alone. --Al Capone The four phases of public office; Nomination, Election, Indictment, Conviction. --Devon Prichard "...(and) We've heard how teen prostitution, pregnancy, drug use, cults, runaways, suicide and poor hygiene are sweeping this nation. We thought you might like to share with the committee any particular *causes* you might see for those latter problems..." "I dunno, Maybe the proliferation of narrow, suffocating zealotry masquerading as parenting in this country." --Steve Dallas, 'Bloom County' It is much easier to apologize than to get permission. --Adm. Grace Hopper Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. --unknown It's better to get mugged than to live in fear. Down with software patents! --unknown You know the honeymoon's over when you're taking a shower and (s)he comes in just to take a dump. --unknown Dyslexics untie! --unknown Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss. --Lazarus Long The only thing that separates us from the animals is superstition and mindless rituals. --Latke Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan, Saturday Evening Post, 1965 Anyone who remembers the sixties probably wasn't there. --Robin Williams We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. --Edward R. Murrow Help a cop...beat yourself up. --Random Simi Valley Juror An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. --Edward James Olmos on Arsenio Hall 4/30/92 Strong characters emerge only from confronting serious difficulties squarely and courageously. --Selznick, 1957 Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. --Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you're the ball. --Mary Chapin Carpenter Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. --Robert Frost I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous. --Simon McClenahan Nearly any man can handle adversity, but to test a man's character, give him power. --Abraham Lincoln House: though your own, yet in England a place of no security, as ruffians may enter it & pillage it as they please, and drag the owner away to prison, whenever the Minister thinks proper. --Pigott's Political Dict., 1795 My kid beat up your honor student --bumper sticker A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain. --Robert A. Heinlein We are a hedge. Please move along. --Anonymous ninjas There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. --Josh Billings Nuke the homeless gay baby whales for Jesus! --bumper sticker Rock band auditions today: Must be able to play 3 chords and grimace musically. See Steve Dallas. --seen in "Bloom County" Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. --Steven Wright Smith and Wesson: the ultimate point-and-click user interface. --Alan Denney Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. --Bertrand Russell The proper response to detecting a bug isn't to fix the bug - it's to make sure you'll never have to worry about that bug again. --Richard Hamming The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. --Thomas Jefferson Sam: What do you say, Norm? Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. --"Cheers" It's a fax from your dog, Mr. Dansworth. It looks like your cat. --Far Side The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. --Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. They itch, therefore I exist. --Cartesian Mosquito The large print giveth and the small print taketh away. --Tom Waits Just about any movie could be made better if one of the characters were a vampire. --John Purlia The manager will be continually amazed that policies he took for common knowledge are totally unknown to some member of his team. --Fredrick P. Brooks, Jr. No one hates so bitterly as the lazy and poor contemplating the energetic and prosperous. --Dale Worley The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river. --Ross Perot If I had any humility I would be perfect. --Ted Turner Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity. --Hanlon's Razor Always assume malice after stupidity is proven. --Hanlon's Corollary Seen on Pavlov's door: Knock. Don't ring bell. --Mathew Sutherland It has been alleged that SVR4 is one of BSD's bastard children, but if you ask *her* family, they'll deny everything. They'll also refuse a paternity test. --Larry Wall Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. --unknown Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it is all organized by the Italians. --unknown The First Amendment is often inconvenient. But that is besides the point. Inconvenience does not absolve the government of its obligation to tolerate speech. --Justice Anthony Kennedy, in 91-155 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." --Jack Handy, "Saturday Night Live" There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. --unknown A population of sheep will eventually beget a government of wolves. --William Sloan Coffin Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of Unix, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement. --MIT AI Lab job ad, Comm. of the ACM, v35/n6, June 1992 Seen in a newspaper ad: Men wanted for expanding contracting company. --Jon Jagger Last night I played poker with a deck of Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. --Steven Wright We came in peace for all mankind, and all we got were these lousy tee-shirts. --Roger Lincoln Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. --Joseph Wood Krutch Save the whales. Collect the whole set. --Matthias Urlichs America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. --Arnold Joseph Toynbee My psychiatrist says I have a messiah complex. But I forgive him. --Jim Carrey Jerry [Brown] is the equivalent of a drive-by shooting. --NPR's Morning Edition, 13 July 1992 People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. --Kierkegaard I die. My flesh rots and my bones are cracked by the hungry tiger. He drops me behind him all around the forest, and nothing will grow where his excrement from my marrow falls. As the years pass, the forest dies from the poison of my remains. The soil washes into the sea and poisons the fish, and all die. O the embarrassment. --unknown I die. The records clerk downtown makes a typo entering my name and the whole city computer crashes during the Republican National Convention. David Duke is nominated and wins the election. The US gets into a war with China and nuclear death drops from the sky. All die. O, the embarrassment. --unknown I die. My relatives collect my things and lose the unpaid phone bill. The phone company goes under. Loss of phones takes the stock market, and this takes the economy. Eventually all die. O the embarrassment. --Cameron Simpson Several thousand years ago our ancestors thought that despotic chieftains, thunder gods, tribal feuds, and cannibalism were good ideas. --Achim Stoesser Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots! He scores!! --Rich Holland Heard on Letterman: PHIL DONAHUE: [talking about Barbara Bush]: I think she's probably the most popular person in America. LETTERMAN: Oh, I don't know... that Luke Perry kid is pretty big. Most people would rather die than think; many do. --Bertrand Russell Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. --Mark Twain The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. --Roland A. Wilcher When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. --Thomas Paine System managers do it with privileges. --unknown Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. --John Benfield Politics - Formed from the Latin 'poly', meaning many, and 'tic', meaning little bloodsucking insects. --Paul Joslin If I had to do it over, I wouldn't do what I did then, for a lot of reasons, including political reasons. --George Bush, on raising taxes, March 1992. On the campaign trail a few days later: "Life means nothing without fidelity to principles." Personally, I think putting a question like "Is Unix dead?" on the cover of a computer magazine is about three notches below "Is Elvis alive and programming with aliens at IBM?" --Harley Hahn It is important to focus on writing software that is "adequate." Having one's software be "good" or even "excellent" is over-rated. If "good" were necessary or even important, DOS would not be the de facto standard operating system. --notebooks of a heretic RWFM? TFRM, TFUM, OTFGSM? (Read Which F***ing Manual? The F***ing Reference Manual, The F***ing User Manual Or The F***ing Getting Started Manual?) --Michael Swaine ...all ideas need to be heard, because each idea contains one aspect of the truth. By examining that aspect, we add to our own idea of the truth. Even ideas that have no truth in them whatsoever are useful because by disproving them, we add support to our own ideas. --John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty" It seems like everyone that has used OS/2, that I have talked to, has come to the conclusion that it would be better to wait for NT. --Mike Figg When you vomit on someone, what do you say? Next time lunch is on me? --Jerry Seinfeld Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. --Groucho Marx Blessed are they who go around in circles; for they shall be known as big wheels. --Martien Verbruggen Don't teach the blind until you have practiced living with closed eyes. --Dave Haynes To arrive at the simplest truth, as Newton knew and practised, requires years of contemplation. Not activity. Not reasoning. Not calculating. Not busy behaviour of any kind. Not reading. Not talking. Not making an effort. Simply bearing in mind what it is one needs to know. --George Spencer-Brown, Laws of Form Descartes enters a pub. "Evening, Descartes. Same as usual?" Descartes says: "No, I think not." -- and disappears. --Ulrich Steimann I was 35 years old before I knew a pie was meant to be eaten. --Moe Howard from "The Three Stooges" TV is chewing gum for the eyes. --Frank Lloyd Wright Country music is 3-D: divorce, death, and depression. --unknown Things you don't hear on Star Trek: "Uhura, I'm scared." --(richid@owlnet.rice.edu) Things you don't hear on Star Trek: "Shut 'er down, Scotty, she's suckin' mud." --(richid@owlnet.rice.edu) Things you don't hear on Star Trek: "Dammit Spock, that's the fifteenth NutterButter you've eaten today!" --(richid@owlnet.rice.edu) I admit that when I was in school I wrote COBOL. But I didn't compile. --Bill "Slick Willie" Davidsen, GE Corp. Honest, Officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy I would never have lit one. --Maxim of the Hells Angels Quickly, Scotty, beam me up. There is no ox..y..ge... --Cor Bosman A programmer is a machine for converting coffee into code. --Tom Christiansen Love sickness is like sea sickness. You think you're going to die, and everyone else thinks it's hilarious. --Orson Welles People cannot be managed. Inventories can be managed, but people must be led. --H. Ross Perot The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. --Pat Robertson on Iowa's proposed ERA "Hil... Hil... Can I choose the cabinet?" --Bill Clinton "Bar... Bar... Can I choose the curtains?" --George Bush --Gary Dietz How do we persuade new users that spreading fonts across the page like peanut butter across hot toast is not necessarily the route to typographic excellence? --Peter Flynn See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs. --Dave Barry An analogy is like instant coffee: it can wake you up, but it's not the real thing. --Peter da Silva THIS definitely takes, eats and sh*ts the cake. --allane@unsw.oz.au Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #10: Wesley won't be able to save the ship. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #9: It would be illogical for Vulcans. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #8: After his assimilation Picard doesn't need to. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #7: Special effects dept. draws a blank on Hi-tech toilets. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #6: Data doesn't know how. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #5: Make up dept. can only do Klingon heads and hands. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #4: A tinkerbell entity might enter the available entrance. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #3: As a Joke Geordi keeps reprogramming the toilets to surge instead of flush. Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #2: "Klingons do NOT ... go to the bathroom". Why no one ever uses the Restroom on "Star Trek" #1: Deanna would sense it, and then tell everyone. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #1: The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #2: The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are just fine. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #3: Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #4: The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #5: The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #6: The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #7: The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #8: An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #9: A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #10: The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #11: The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #12: The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #13: A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #14: The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in no way connected with the Late 20th Century. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #15: Kirk/Riker/Picard falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #16: Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #17: The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after awhile without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #18: Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #19: Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #20: Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. Things that never happen in "Star Trek" #21: Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and it works better than ever. You have to keep busy; no dog ever peed on a moving car. --Morten Skjelland What goes up must come down, but don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Newton's Law applied to Murphy's. --Lily Tomlin Not that I would wish to suggest that the union of the set of persons who would USE OS/2 and watch football is limited solely by the common factor of dog-paddling in the shallow end of the gene pool. --drieux@wetware.com, Castle WetWare Philosopher and Sniper Let's get linear, linear, I want to get linear... --Olivia Newton Algebra Let's Get Tactical, Tactical, I want to Get Tactical.... --Olivia Newton PanzerGruppen Just because you're a homicidal maniac doesn't mean you don't have a sense of humor. --Barry Sadler Due to budgetary shortfalls, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. --anonymous Freedom of the press is still alive in America, at the US Mint. --Gallagher The end of the world is ni*O(&%^#$%g)}:&(* NO CARRIER --unknown "He's a jealous God, all right," said Mary, "it comes of being no good in bed." --Meta-Apocrypha 42:42 (drieux@wetware.com) I hear it isn't the size of the disk that matters, it's the access time. Longer the access time, the better. --Patrick Cofield & W. David Rohwer In America, we tax work, investment, employment, savings and productivity, while we subsidize non-work, consumption and debt. It's time we start to reverse this trend. --Jack Kemp I also realize that it is possible to get by without really understanding [source] code; this approach "works" in roughly the same sense that Communism "worked" in the USSR up to the point it collapsed. --Michael Yoder I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. --Ashleigh Brilliant Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. --Erik Rantapaa To call something 'Public' is to define it as filthy, inefficient and dangerous. The public toilet is the epitome of social spending. --P.J. O'Rourke Question: If I hire Dr. Kevorkian and live, can I sue him for malpractice? --Richard Gerberding I've a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it! --Groucho Marx Mob rule isn't any prettier merely because the mob calls itself a government. It ain't charity if you're using someone else's money. --Mark Wilson For each and every bureaucratic action, there is an equal and opposite creative solution. --Dennis Wingo I am not...in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races...of making voters or jurors of Negroes, nor of qualifying them...to intermarry with white people. --Abe Lincoln, 1858 Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote. --Benjamin Franklin There is nothing so susceptible to the secret manipulations of evil men as a democracy. --Plutarch, circa 120 AD There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. --Patrick Dockhorn Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. --Orson Welles Why can't a computer scientist tell Halloween from Christmas? Because oct(31)=dec(25) --Kai Voigt The Amish don't have the problems the native Americans do because there is no Bureau of Amish affairs. --Russell Means The truth is cruel, but it can be loved, and it makes free those who have loved it. --George Santayana Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --Mark Twain I dream of the day when conservatives learn the difference between a sin and a crime and liberals learn the difference between a virtue and a requirement. --William A. Niskanen Skepticism is the chastity of the intellect, and it is shameful to surrender it too soon or to the first comer. --G. Santayana An ambassador is a man of virtue sent to lie abroad for his country; a news-writer is a man without virtue who lies at home for himself. --Sir Henry Wotton, Reliquae Wottonianae White males make up only 39.8% of the American population, yet they comprise fully 88% of the officers who drove savings and loans into bankruptcy. --Ron Buckmire The American Republic will endure, until politicians realize they can bribe the people with their own money. --Alexis de Tocqueville When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. --Jay Leno If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. --Orson Scott Card I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy and a long-term fairness strategy, which is part of getting this country going again. --William Jefferson Clinton, ABC News, Primary Debate, Manchester, 1/19/92 In the lexicon of the political class, the word "sacrifice" means that the citizens are supposed to mail even more of their income to Washington so that the political class will not have to sacrifice the pleasure of spending it. --George Will, Newsweek, 22-Feb-1993 Ronald Reagan's library burnt down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: he hadn't finished coloring either of them. --Gore Vidal Though the fruits of crime bear bitter seaweed, the sea cucumbers of crime make a killer salad. --Dr. Calamari, DC/Marvel comics Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. --Popular Mechanics, March 1949 The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "WHERE the hell is my ROOF?!?" --Grieser Alle Sammen | The RF-4C Phantom: /0\ Living proof that if you put enough \_______[|(.)|]_______/ engine on something, even a BRICK o ++ 0 ++ o can fly! He who lives to fight another day.. Lives to NUKE the site from orbit. --Samuel H. Edwards Do not, therefore, say "I feel nauseous" unless you are sure you have that effect on others. --Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. --Bob Rubin In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? --Frank "Crash" Edwards And on Monday God created the politicians. Before that He had only made apes, but then He ran out of fur. --quoted from the Carnival in Cologn A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --Winston Churchill [The United States] can't be so fixed on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans... --President William Clinton, March 1, 1993 during a press conference in Piscataway, NJ, Boston Globe, 3/2/93, page 3 The existential atmosphere of [the pre-WW1 West] (which was then being destroyed by Europe's philosophical trends and political systems) still held a benevolence that would be incredible to the men of today, i.e., a smiling confident good will of man to man, and of man to life. --Ayn Rand Famous comedian on snack food commercial: Crunch all you want, we'll make more Democratic Party twist: Earn all you can, we'll *take* more --H.R. Holm I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, in our labor and in our amusements. --Thomas Jefferson If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. --Thomas Jefferson He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harrass our people, and to eat out their substance. --Declaration of Independence Giving Congress more money is like giving an alcoholic a liquor store. --H. Ross Perot "NO! NO! DON'T OPEN THE BOX! DON'T OPEN THE BLOODY BO--" --Schrodinger's cat Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there I'll never know. --Groucho Marx The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground. --Thomas Jefferson To preserve free thought, we all have the positive moral obligation to be thick-skinned. --J. Rauch. Good ideas are not adopted automatically. They must be driven into practice with courageous impatience. --Admiral Hyman G. Rickover CELEBRATING THE 250th BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON 4-13-1993 It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself. --Thomas Jefferson President Clinton had to reassess his position on this particular promise, and for a very solid reason: He's just another suit-wearing weasel. --Dave Barry, "Flush with Money" A flatterer is a friend who is your inferior, or pretends to be so. --Aristotle Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. --Fred Allen The mere act of drinking beer in an attempt to measure your tolerance is likely to affect your impression of how many beers you've drunk. --The Heineken uncertainty principle Let me get this straight: Medical treatment costs too much and is inefficient, so we're going to let government make it better? --Dave O'Shea CELEBRATING THE 250th BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON 4-13-1993 The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. --Thomas Jefferson CELEBRATING THE 250th BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON 4-13-1993 It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. --Thomas Jefferson Our fiscal history for the past 30 years can be written in three sentences: 1) The share of total earned income taxed by the government has remained between 18% and 20%; in 1992, it was 18.6%. 2) The share of federal government spending to total spending has increased from about 17% or 18% to about 23% or 24%. 3) The deficit has increased with spending. --Allan H. Meltzer, professor of economics, Carnegie-Mellon Wall Street Journal, 2/22/93 CELEBRATING THE 250th BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON 4-13-1993 All, too will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal laws must protect, and to violate which would be oppression. --Thomas Jefferson Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas? --Joseph Stalin Last year I worried that Bush would die and let Quayle take over. This year I worry that Hillary will die and let Bill take over. --Bill Davidsen, GE Corp. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. --Greg McCrory Never try to outstubborn a cat. --Lazarus Long Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist. --Ron "Asbestos" Dippold Leadership is ACTION, NOT position. --D.H. McGannon If double jeopardy is good enough for Rodney King's arresting officers, then it's good enough for me. --Faisal Jawdat A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. --Ron "Asbestos" Dippold If the principle were to prevail of a common law [i.e., a single government] being in force in the United States...it would become the most corrupt government on the earth. --Thomas Jefferson, 1800 Buddhist to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything." --Eric Eide The Uniform Commercial Code protects the innocent purchaser, but it is not a shield for the sly conniver, the blindly naive, or the hopelessly gullible. --Ruling in Atlas Auto Rental Corp. v. Weisberg, NY City Civ. Ct. 1967 Sir, I admit your gen'ral rule, that every poet is a fool; But you yourself may serve to show it, that every fool is not a poet. --A. Pope ...unfortunately we can't control the actions of everyone. --President Clinton 04/20/93 The man who fights for his ideals is the man who is alive. --Cervantes, author of Don Quixote Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain What's the function of the galaxy? I don't know if our life has a purpose and I don't see that it matters. What does matter is that we're a part. Like a thread in a cloth or a grass-blade in a field. It IS and we ARE. What we do is like wind blowing on the grass. --The Lathe of Heaven I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Indeed, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. --Ogden Nash Can a blue man sing the whites? --Will Steeves Vikings? There ain't no vikings here, just us honest farmers. The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it. --Liz Stokes When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked me if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" --Steven Wright When they took the fourth amendment, I was silent because I don't deal drugs. When they took the sixth amendment, I kept quiet because I know I'm innocent. When they took the second amendment, I said nothing because I don't own a gun. Now they've come for the first amendment, and I can't say anything at all. --Tim Freeman Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. --Euripides The secrecy that shielded the meetings and written communications of the men at the top helped to perpetuate the false impression that they sought and weighed facts in their discussions. --Neil Sheehan, on US military leaders during the Vietnam War Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. --George Orwell A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out of the public treasury. --Alexander Tyler See the happy moron, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God! perhaps I am! --unknown I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is shut up. --Tom Lehrer Nobody has ever taxed a nation into prosperity. --George Will The President is doing a fine job, but the problem is we don't know what to do with her husband. --James Carville (Clinton campaign strategist),2/93 Oh, please call Daddy. Mom's far too busy. --Chelsea Clinton to nurse, CSPAN, 2/93 Which is more useful, the sun or the moon? The moon is the more useful, for it gives light at night when it is dark, whereas the sun only shines in the daytime when it is light anyway. --George Gamow Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. --Jules Renard The secret of my success is that at a very early age I discovered that I'm not God. --Oliver Wendell Holmes He'd make a lovely corpse. --Charles Dickens He who knows not & knows not that he knows not is a fool. SHUN HIM He who knows not & knows that he knows not is a child. TEACH HIM He who knows & knows not that he knows is asleep. AWAKE HIM He who knows & knows that he knows is wise. FOLLOW HIM --probably somebody famous A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things. --Richard Feynman The suddenness of the leap from hardware to software cannot but produce a period of anarchy and collapse, especially in the developed countries. --Marshall McLuhan Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. --Dave Barry Nature takes no account of even the most reasonable of human excuses. --Joseph Wood Krutch I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. --Woody Allen For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled. --Richard P. Feynman I had to quit drinking 'cause I used to wake up nude on the hood of my car with my keys in my a**. --Robin Williams, 1987 You should join Over-Talkers Anonymous, it's called Onanonanon. --Don Swensen You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. --Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" Bumper sticker: "My child is an honor inmate at the Hughes Juvenile Correctional Facility". --Lars Huttar A truth does not become greater by repetition. --Maimonides (1135-1204) If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --Steven Wright I prefer a rude vigor to a polished banality. --Utah Phillips It is almost always good practice to qualify virtually everything you say, usually. --Brian Milner Government is the agent of those who are too refined to do their own mugging. --Joseph Sobran Reaching consensus in a group is often confused with finding the right answer. --Norman Mailer Flair is what marks the difference between artistry and mere competence. --Cmdr. William Riker, "Time Squared," stardate 42679.2. Make lots of money, enjoy the work, operate within the law: pick any two. --unknown Conservative: A statesman enamoured of the existing evils; as distinguished from the liberal who exists to replace them with others. --Ambrose Bierce Windows is, at best, a priggish, effeminate interface modeled after the sissified Macintosh operating system interface. --John C. Dvorak At times like this one feels, well, perhaps extinct animals SHOULD be left extinct. Don't you have that feeling now? --Malcolm, "Jurassic Park" Yesterday I bought a decaffinated coffee table. --Steven Wright It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. --Washington State Attorney Season and Bag Limits "What kind of fool do you take me for?" "I don't know. How many kinds are there?" --Gummy Bears Q: How many Microshaft Engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They just define darkness as an industry standard. --Fletcher Bonds Q: How many IBM rep's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Sooner or later, the rest of the world is going to have to realize that IBM's candles are much better and will follow their lead. --Fletcher Bonds I am a firm believer in Luck. The harder I work, the more I have of it. --Thomas Jefferson But after all, isn't that what life's all about? Complaining that someone somewhere has been treated unfairly, and that it is the responsibility of society and/or the Government to correct the situation? --Larry Riedel Heisenbug: a bug that goes away when you switch on the debugger. --Mike Gelman I feel strongly that society needs to condemn a little more and understand a little less. --John Major, Prime Minister of England, after a 2-yr-old was beaten to death by two 10-yr-olds (4/1993) We don't know who discovered water, but we're pretty sure it wasn't a fish. --Attributed to Marshall McLuhan "Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's probably you..." --From the canonical list of answering machine messages An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question. --John McCarthy Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock That's the thing about being a boxer: even when you're at the top of your field, people still hit you in the head. --Paula Poundstone I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. --Steven Wright Open letter to Republicans in Congress: "Next time you've got a chance to bite Clinton's 'hand of friendship,' do the country a favor and take it off at the arm instead. Thanks." --John Switzer And who are these people? --Vice President Al Gore, talking to the curator of Monticello while pointing to busts of George Washington and Ben Franklin. Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge sucessfully for awhile, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you. --George Orwell, "1984" The difference between a moral man and a man of honour is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. --Dave Hayes curses: May you be forced to grep the termcap of an unclean yacc while a herd of rogue emacs fsck your troff and vgrind your pathalias! --David Nolan If the enemy general is obstinate and prone to anger, insult and enrage him, so that he will be irritated and confused, and without a plan will recklessly advance against you. --"The Art of War", Sun Tzu Two telepaths walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have the same!" Parenthood is too important a responsibility to force on anyone. --attributed to Sarah Weddington When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby. --Nigerian Proverb I walked into a store and asked the girl if she had anything to put underneath the coasters. She started to cry. --Steven Wright I went to a map-maker and asked him if he had any maps that weren't aerial views. He started to cry. --Steven Wright When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night while mom was asleep. I thought to myself, now's the time to steal some neat stuff, because I don't have any fingerprints. --Steven Wright I went to lost and found, and told the guy "I don't get it". --Steven Wright What does "definition" mean? --Steven Wright I took a lie detector test. No, I didn't. --Steven Wright C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. --Bjarne Stroustrup, inventor of C++ I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it. --John Martinez First get the facts straight, then you are free to distort them at your leisure. --Mark Twain America: You have Billy Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Germany: We have Helmut Kohl, no wonder, no hope and no cash. --Reinhard Hamid If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? --Steven Wright I picked up my girlfriend the other night. Her Dad said, "I want her home by eight-fifteen." I said, "Middle of August? That's cool." --Steven Wright It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money. --P.J. O'Rourke Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. --Robert Heinlein "Welcome to Occupied Mexico" --seen spray painted on underpass in Salinas, California I've never seen President Clinton out helping the homeless/handicapped, but I believe he's for it. I guess there are those who might say that Hilary helped the handicapped by getting him the job, but I wouldn't. --Larry Riedel, on alt.tv.bh90210 It sounded better in the original German. --Commentary by Molly Ivins about Pat Buchanan's speech at the 1992 Republican Convention What is of supreme importance in war is to attack the enemy's strategy. --Sun Tzu The only freedom which deserves the name, is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it. --John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty" Q: What's the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM? A: One is a complex and expensive theme park, filled with dinosaurs and unreliable equipment, and the other is a Steven Spielberg movie. Q: What's the similarity? A: They both have clones. --Scott Coleman A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if only He knew the facts of the case. --Finley Peter Dunne Having SMOKING and NON-SMOKING sections in a room is like having URINATING and NON-URINATING sections in a swimming pool! --Rob Clark Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was the suspect. --Steven Wright I've always wondered about Girl Scouts: young girls dressed in paramilitary uniforms, reciting oaths, and learning to start fires. --Murphy Brown, 1993 I thought for a second that my monkey had rabies; Thank God it turned out he had just gotten into the Cool Whip. --Dave Letterman Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. My squid's name is Ned, or maybe Fred. He's painted red to match his bed. A pedigreed squid thoroughbred Is Ned, or Fred, or is it Ted? --B. Kliban It has about as much chance of survival in the current marketplace as a blonde ingenue overnight guest at a Transylvanian castle. --review of Jimmy Buffet's first album, 1973 If Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass had only shared that ham sandwich, both of them might still be alive today. --Jonathan B. Horen New York: when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. --David Letterman It's not just Congress! Even Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney now admits to bouncing something like 21 checks. Did you seem him on the news the the other night? He says that because he ONLY overdrew his account by $10,000, he shouldn't be lumped in with those who were TRULY abusing the system. I know $10,000 seems like a lot of money....but when you're Secretary of Defense, you can't even buy a TOILET SEAT for that kind of money! --Jay Leno My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. --Steven Wright I hate you, you hate me; Let's go out and kill Barney. A shot rang out, Barney hit the floor; No more purple dinosaur. --unknown I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches around the world. Maybe you've seen it. --Steven Wright You can't legislate morality. We tried to outlaw comsumption of alcoholic beverages. We found that violation of the law led to bigger crimes and bred disrespect for the law. --Jimmy Carter, 1976 The prestige of government has undoubtedly been lowered considerably by the Prohibition law. For nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced. It is an open secret that the dangerous increase of crime in this country is closely connected with this. --Albert Einstein, "My First Impression of the USA", 1921 To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. --Jane Austen No question, *somebody* has to hold the spots on the low end of the clue distribution curve. --Kent Paul Dolan Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock. --Jeff Goslin People who make liquor are businessmen, not the "members of an international ring of alcohol refiners"; people who sell liquor are retail merchants, not "pushers"; and people who buy liquor are citizens, not "dope fiends." The same goes for tobacco, coffee, and tea. --Thomas Szasz Hah. He's obviously spent all his clue money on beer. --Chris Jercha Come, let us peel back the foreskin of misconception, and apply the wire brush of enlightenment. --Geoff Miller It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling How can three dozen computer designers beat a team of over a thousand? --Thomas Watson I believe Mr. Watson has answered his own question. --Seymour Cray The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. --Paula Poundstone "man": A biodegradable but non-recyclable animal blessed with opposable thumbs capable of grasping at straws. --Bernard Rosenberg Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. --Attr. to Paul Falstad As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree". Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. --Woody Allen Man messes with nature. Nature eats man. Steven Spielberg inherits the earth. --Review of "Jurassic Park" in Dallas Observer We are today in the most literal sense a lawless society, for OUR law has ceased to be law and become instead its opposite - mere force at the disposal of whoever is at the controls. --Charles A. Reich The job of the military is to go to war and win, not to be the instruments of social experimentation. --(retired) General H. Norman Schwartzkopf Some people don't see the advantages of combining Microsoft applications. But then some people didn't see what would come of mixing nitro and glycerin. --Microsoft ad Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. The difference between involved and committed is the difference between ham & eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed. --Darren E. Peterson A smartass once accused me of being subtle. I decked him with a short right over the heart and and elbow in the tranchea. --Harlan Ellison I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls. --Senator George Aiken on the Vietnam war, Jan 1966 Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. --Jules Renard For thousands of years, homoeopathic magic was known to the sorcerors of ancient India, Babylon and Egypt, as well as of Greece and Rome, and at this day it is still resorted to by cunning and malignant savages in Silicon Valley, California. --Anonymous It is the business of little minds to shrink. --Carl Sandburg Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, but hating, my boy, is an art. --Ogden Nash It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand, I beat people up. --Mohammed Ali If you have that kind of money to spend on an exclusive monument to overengineered excess, that's your perogative. --"Car and Driver" on the new Mercedes-Benz 600SEC ($147K) Writing science fiction for about a penny a word is no way to make a living. If you really want to make a million, the easiest way is to start your own religion. --L. Ron Hubbard He who stands on toilet seat, is high on pot. --found in a bathroom in Goldwin Smith Hall, Cornell University If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? --Steven Wright (?) The effect of life in society is to complicate and confuse our existence, making us to forget who we really are by causing us to become obsessed with what we are not. --Chuang-Tzu Operated by professionals, do not try at home, see your dealer for details. Your mileage may vary. Call before digging. Best if eaten by date on package. Apply only to affected area. Batteries not included. Member FDIC. Deliberate misuse by concentrating and inhaling fumes may be harmful or fatal. Some settling of contents may have occurred during shipping. --unknown I can't go out and save every undercapitalized entrepreneur in America. --Hillary Clinton, when asked about the impact of her health care "plan" on small business (Wall St Jnal, 9/24/93, pg A10, col 3) I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. --Steven Wright Barney the Dinosaur: Insipidus Rex --anonymous Adam was a Canadian. Nobody but a Canadian would stand beside a naked woman and worry about an apple. --Gord Favelle The Soviet Union was sliding in to an economic collapse so comprehensive that in the end its factories produced not goods but bads: finished products less valuable than the raw materials they were made from. --The Economist Bill Gates should limit his salary to the number of bytes addressable by the latest version of MS-DOS, and be taxed based on the number of bytes of RAM needed by the latest version of MS-Windows. --Andy Eskilsson Hey, it's Unix! I know this! --Lexie, "Jurassic Park" The phrases "body of a supermodel", "head like a horse", and "low IQ" are NOT mutually exclusive. --Alan Asper, commenting on Donna and Brenda in "Beverly Hills 90210" Curse you, Batman! May you fall down a flight of stairs and break every tooth in your head except one, and in that may you have a toothache for the rest of your life, which won't be very long! --King Tut, Episode 88 (Batman's Waterloo) I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. --English Professor, Ohio University Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. --Ambrose Bierce A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. --Heiko Rupp "Shot my dog today." "Was he mad?" "Well, he weren't too damned pleased." --Rick Tilson I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. --Jim Harkins Advice is what we ask for when we already know what the answer is, but we wish we didn't. --Erica Jong If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. --George S. Patton, Jr., General USA A local paper gave away thousands of ballons printed with an anti-drugs message. Some children kept coming back for more. They were inhaling the helium from the balloons. --"The Economist", Britain in Brief (13-19/11/93) I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. --"Calvin and Hobbes" Paul Pomes: The social circumstances appropriate for grenades just don't occur that often. Steve Dorner: For shame, Paul. Congress meets daily. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. --Anonymous Would you fire on US Citizens while in the process of confiscating their guns? --A question on a survey given to members of Navy SEAL Team Six by their commanders, September 1993. The problem, of course, was that even though the information was coming a lot faster, the vast majority of it, having originated with human beings, was still wrong. Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing. --Dave Barry Wheaties is not the breakfast of champions; one's opponent is. --unknown American law has a solid tradition of punishing the responsible for the behavior of the irresponsible. --C. D. Tavares Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" You can learn a lot from listening to people talk. Why everything I know today I've learned from listening to myself talk about things that I knew absolutely nothing about. --Gracie Allen What the world needs is not dogma but an attitude of scientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inflicted by Stalin or by a Deity imagined in the likeness of the believer. --Bertrand Russell It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin barefoot irreverence to their studies; they are here not to worship what is known, but to question it. --Jacob Bronowski (in Ascent of Man 1975) Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. --The Anarchist Cookbook Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --Brooke Shields on smoking 90% of the politicians give the other 10% a bad reputation. --Henry Kissinger The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see. --Tom Lehrer An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away. --B. Kliban Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave. --Baron Henry Peter Brougham The place where optimism flourishes most is the lunatic asylum. --Havelock Ellis Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that will make your product obselete. --Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? --Steven Wright (?) Psychiatrist's secretary: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible." Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now." --John E. Lundgren Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. --Paul Falstad Diane, last night I dreamed I was eating a large, tasteless gumdrop, and awoke to discover I was chewing on one of my foam disposable earplugs. Perhaps I should consider moderating my nighttime coffee consumption. --FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, "Twin Peaks" Here's to champagne and real friends, and real pain to sham friends. --June Peckingham Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to ignore it. --David Barr The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --Hubert Humphrey I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast. --Viktor E. Frankl Society in every state is a blessing, but Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one. --Thomas Paine Excerpt from students' history papers: France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. --Bob Glickstein Excerpt from students' history papers: The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. --Bob Glickstein The majority of problems on the planet are a result of the idea that human beings are not sovereign and autonomous but property owned by abstractions such as Gods and governments. --Christopher S. Hyatt Come to think of it, I'm not sure exactly what Sun's target market is, because it sure doesn't seem to be anyone worried about ease of operation or performance. --Vincent Fox The government that can ban abortions can also mandate them. Think about it. --Keith Cochran Ad campaigns that didn't make it: Then there was a magazine ad with a simple Before-and-After equation, with a tube of Clearasil photographed on the Before side and a wrapped Trojan on the After side. Wrote the Clearasil managers: "This promise cannot be substantiated." --USAToday, submitted by Dale Worley Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerves give wisdom. --Mark Twain What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire? Autoexec.bat! --Dianne Montgomery There is a limit to the legitimate interference of collective opinion with individual independence... --John Stuart Mill Q: What is IBM's definition of a man year? A: 720 programmers trying to finish the job before lunch. --David Heller Suicide is our way of saying to God: "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" --Juan G. Molinari Overheard in Congressional debate: "Why can't the Jews and Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?" --Kevin Allegood Our opinions are what makes us different. --C. Kenneth Stern Is that a quote from the latest Charles Manson parole hearing? --Larry Riedel If God doesn't like the way I live, let him tell me, not you. --As seen on a button. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. --unknown Rumor has it that the morning after his wedding, Bill Gates' wife looked down at him and said "Now I know why you call your company Microsoft" --Mark Jeffrey Q: Will Lorena Bobbitt ever find a new husband? A: Only if he's just nuts... --unknown Q: What did Jeffrey Daumer say to Lorena Bobbit? A: Ya gonna eat that? --unknown A second flood, a simple famine, plagues of locusts everywhere, Or a cataclysmic earthquake, I'd accept with some despair. But no, you sent us Congress! Good God, sir, was that fair? --John Adams, "Piddle, Twiddle, and Resolve", from "1776" Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do. --Josh Billings Love, n. A temporary insanity cured by marriage. --Ambrose Bierce All the questions had received excellently drafted answers, and the answers were not open to doubt because they were not the work of human thought, always liable to error, but were all the work of bureaucratic officialdom. --Leo Tolstoi The computer makes writing so easy that nobody has to think at all before knocking off a 500-pager. Result: The typical 500-pager nowadays reads as though nobody had thought at all. My suggestion: a new system warning writers that they have reached the 300-page mark and that going over 300 will produce a death-dealing electronic assault. --Russell Baker, New York Times, 1/25/94, A15 Lord, grant me serenity to accept what cannot be changed, courage to change what can be changed and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they really ticked me off. --Bill Rauscher What is often a dislike for organization is just a desire for unbridled license. --some Victorian philosopher If Jim Morrison drove his van to Van Morrison's gym, would Don Johnson use the john in Van Johnson's van? --Charles Fleischer The danger is not that one class is unfit to govern. All classes are unfit to govern. --Lord Acton The freshmen bring a little knowledge in and the seniors take none out, so it accumulates through the years. --A. Lawrence Lowell, Pres. of Harvard Please do not mistake my sympathy for understanding. Please do not mistake my understanding for sympathy. --Dale Worley A cop pulled me over and said, "You know the speed limit through here is 55 miles an hour?" I said, "Yes, but I wasn't gonna be out that long." --Steven Wright Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. --George Orwell, "1984" Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. --G. B. Shaw Nature is blind. We are merely short-sighted. That's an improvement. --Henry Spencer To hate man and worship God seems to be the sum of all creeds. --Robert G. Ingersol Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds. --John Perry Barlow At some time in the recent past someone had decided to brighten the ancient corridors of the University by painting them, having some vague notion that Learning Should Be Fun. It hadn't worked. --Terry Pratchett, "Equal Rites" Speech is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradictory word, preserves contact--it is silence which isolates. --Thomas Mann That guy's obviously a few devilled eggs short of a picnic. --Sarah Holland Listening to her spout off was like being slowly pulled over carpet tacks and dipped in rubbing alcohol. --Sarah Holland There is no nonsense so arrant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate governmental action. --Bertrand Russell People say that one advantage of Religion is that it teaches humans humility. But there is nothing so humiliating as Science. Religion teaches that you are important to the Gods. Science teaches that you are utterly insignificant, that you couldn't affect the Universe-as-a-Whole even if you had all the resources of the Earth at your command. --Dale Worley The difference between baseball and politics is that, in baseball, if you get caught stealing, you're out. --Ed Shanks Freedom lost, and then regained, bites with keener fangs than freedom never endangered. --Cicero [106-43 BC] People who can't write, talking to people who can't think, writing for people who can't read. --Frank Zappa on the press Tonya Harding takes the Gold at Lillehammer! (Authorities are still looking for her) --NY Times editorial page cartoon The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. --H. L. Mencken I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, but it's way off to the side. --Steven Wright If a gun bill will pass because of the politics of the situation, you must see to it that its burdens are imposed upon a man because of a criminal background and not because he is an ordinary citizen and perhaps poor. --Gen. James H. Doolittle All my life I've wanted to be somebody. Now I see I should have been more specific. --Lily Tomlin Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes crimes out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded. --Abraham Lincoln We have the right to defend ourselves and our property, because of the kind of animals that we are. True law derives from this right, not from the arbitrary power of the omnipotent state. --James A. Donald This show has gone off the deep end of Cheesey-ness. It has gone from brie at room temperature to Kraft singles right out of the fridge. --Ronny Pudding, on "Beverly Hills 90210" It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once. --David Hume At Tower Books in Bellevue, Helen Custer's "Inside Windows NT" is outselling Madonna's "Sex" by 125 to 109. --Seattle Times, Jan 21, 1993 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. --Will Rogers What I did must have been right, or an angel would have stopped me, just as the angel stopped Abraham in the Bible. --Albert Fish, the cannibal Don't stand too close to people who are always bandaged up. (From "Fires Give the Test Just Ahead of the Lesson") --Joe Duval (duvalj@bionette.cgrb.orst.edu) Potential product endorsement campaign for Tonya Harding: Hanes Pantyhose: "Who says nothing beats a great pair of Leggs?" --Gregg "Bo Duke" Primm Pessimism,n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. --"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce Nihilist, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. --"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. --"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. --"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce \ Nancy! Skate back here! --- O O/ I only want to talk --- /|\ /| to you. Honest. ----- /\ /\ -- = = Snow is what you are up to your neck in when people send you post cards from Florida saying they wish you were there. --Ogden Nash A coward is a man who, facing a danger, thinks with his legs. --Ambrose Bierce Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. --Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" I will not do it as a hack, I will not do it on a Mac, I will not do it for my friends, I will not do it on weekends, I will not write for Uncle Sam, I won't do ADA, Sam-I-Am --Gregory Bond Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel coast to coast without seeing anything. --Charles Kuralt Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and then applying the wrong remedies. --Groucho Marx And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin, the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable. --Rick Pim To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. --Don Schrader You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --Steven Wright Me, I'll start believing this information superhighway stuff when Chelsea's grades start to slip because she spends all night on a MUD, Al Gore gets into a flamewar with John de Armond on sci.environment, and the President has a satellite- fed news server installed on Air Force One so he can keep up with alt.autos.rod-n-custom on his way to summit meetings. --Joe Chew Remember: Once you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend. --Jamie Zawinski Jones Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. --bumper sticker SCRUM: A collection of "real men" enagaged in an activity, which, if conducted anywhere other than on a rugby field, would result in their immediate arrest. --Alan Brown O holy altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible. --Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, worshipping his TV Scuba diving is the only sport where it's okay to urinate on yourself. Let's see that on the tennis court. --Adam Wallace Iraq's invasion of Kuwait is a case of bad men doing wrong things for wicked reasons. This is the full-sized or standard purebred evil and is easily recognized even by moral neophytes. Other malignities -- drugs in America, famine in Africa and everything in the Middle East -- are more complex. When combating those evils people sometimes have trouble deciding whom to shoot. --P.J. O' Rourke, "Give War a Chance" It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob. --Will Bell Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teen-age boys. --PJ O'Rourke They know that it is human nature to take up causes whereby a man may oppress his neighbor, no matter how unjustly... Hence they have had no trouble in finding men who would preach the damnability and heresy of the new doctrine from the very pulpit... --Galileo Galilei, 1615 The whole point of Christianity is that everyone in the world, from Charles Manson to Mother Teresa, deserves to go to hell. --Sean P. Ningen Otherwise reasonable people who understand that wishing will not make rocks levitate often believe, in effect, that a well-intentioned government program can successfully violate the laws of economics. This irrational and almost religious belief in government is the root of our tragedy. --Perry Metzger Number of listings under "Find Subject Karl Marx" in the Princeton library on-line catalog: 589 Number of listings under "Find Subject Adam Smith" in the Princeton library on-line catalog: 35 --Paul Falstad Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. --W.C. Fields No one has the right to destroy another person's belief by demanding empirical evidence. --Ann Landers, nationally syndicated advice columnist and Director at Handgun Control Inc. Spock! That's negatory on "daisy dancing." You are out, repeat, out of character. Do you read me? Spock? --Bloom County Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society. --Rush Limbaugh Authority has every reason to fear the skeptic, for authority can rarely survive in the face of doubt. --Robert Lindner I am Porky of Borg. You will be assim...bdeh...assim... --Tommy Usher "Hi, T-Rex! I'm Barney! Will you be my --" **CHOMP** --Tommy Usher The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. --Rudyard Kipling When a finger points to the moon, the fool looks at the finger. --Chinese Proverb The thing about golf is, no matter how many bad shots you hit, every once in awhile by sheer luck you hit a shot that is so hypnotizingly perfect that you're hooked for life. --Sarah Holland Better late than before anybody has invited you. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Absolute: Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Australia, n.: A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Disobedience: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it." --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Politician: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I would like to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather rather than screaming in terror like his passengers --Jack Handy The traditional way [of schooling] is to put off all creative aspects until the last part of graduate school. For seventeen or more years, the student is taught examsmanship, then suddenly after passing enough exams in graduate school he's told to do something original. --D. Knuth Claim of actual innocence based on newly discovered evidence is not ground for federal habeas relief. --US Supreme Court, 1/1993 -- execution, 5/1993 Do we not feast upon trivialities to divert attention from the truly portentous issues that engulf us? --Stephen Jay Gould I was once into necro-bestiality, but I quit cold turkey. --Tom Jones (not the singer) Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. --Robert Frost A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who is the better lawyer. --Robert Frost Girls do what their mothers tell them. Ladies do what society tells them. Women make up their own minds. The same is true for boys, gentlemen, and men. --Lori Hylan A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong. --attributed to Larry Sheldon, Jr. When an Arkansas couple divorces are they still brother and sister? --Mcarthur Bevin Life is short, but by achieving greater speeds a man can make his life a little longer and more affluent. --Soichiro Honda There's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. --Woody Allen Early to rise, early to bed Makes a man healthy, but socially dead. --Matt Gumbley, u2d92@keele.ac.uk The good rain, like the bad preacher, does not know when to leave off. --Emerson Phillips Petroleum gives you gas; fortunately Phillips Chemical makes antacid. --Aninda DasGupta Having the federal government run the health care system is a lot like hiring Dr. Kevorkian to be your personal physician. --Larry Martell If you put all of your users end-to-end, you would quickly learn who was wearing clean socks. --Bob Walter "I sometimes wonder how people like you happen." "The same as anyone else, mister, and it's fun for a couple people for awhile, and then the trouble starts." --Roger Zelazny Information is the currency of democracy. --Thomas Jefferson So we have erected a glowing altar in the center of our lives that feeds on our terror, and fear has become our national religion. --John Perry Barlow on the current state of TV The people who own the country ought to govern it. --John Jay (signer of the U.S. Constitution) Inventions reached their limit long ago, and I see no hope for further development. --Julius Frontinus, 1st century AD Good taste is timeless... and a good time is usually tasteless. --Steve Pearlmutter Morning amnesia -- Nature's way of keeping you from waking up screaming. --from the comic "Dilbert" COPY PROTECTION n. A class of clever methods for preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it. --Hacker's Dictionary We keep hearing that as soon as the information highway exists people will use it. Are these not the same people who can't program their VCRs? --William Esrey, CEO, US Sprint The paperless office is as likely as the paperless toilet. --Simon Ritter When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. --Jonathan Swift Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. --Olivier Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. --seen in a "Tolkien" newsgroup If you can't beat them, beat them. --Tonya Harding No, no. I'm not saying anything of the kind; in fact, I'm very consciously avoiding saying anything. --Alexander Haig Rules...are mostly made to be broken...and are too often for the lazy to hide behind. --Douglas MacArthur At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. --Emo Phillips I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --Galileo Galilei COMING SOON TO YOUR COUNTRY (unless *you* do something about it): A medical delivery system with all the compassion of the IRS, the efficiency of the Postal Service and the prices of the Pentagon. --unknown Capital Punishment: when the government taxes you to get capital, in order to go into business in competition with you, and then taxes the profits on your business in order to cover its losses. --Martin N. Steed When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like. But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident...of any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea. I never saw a wreck and never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort. --E. J. Smith, 1907, Captain, RMS Titanic The very purpose of a Bill of Rights was to withdraw certain subjects from the vicissitudes of political controversy, to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts. One's right to life, liberty and property, to free speech, a free press, freedom of worship and assembly, and other fundamental rights may not be submitted to a vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections. --unknown But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. --Carl Sagan This is the kind of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put. --Winston Churchill I think it's right up there with finding someone who's willing to give Lorena Bobbitt a set of steak knives. --tarzan@deakin.edu.au I have two very rare photographs; one is a photograph of Harry Houdini locking his keys in his car, the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child. --Steven Wright The only place where Success comes before Work is in the dictionary. --unknown Sex without love is an empty and meaningless experience. But as empty, meaningless experiences go it's one of the best. --Woody Allen Being afraid of monolithic organizations especially when they have computers, is like being afraid of really big gorillas especially when they're on fire. --Bruce Sterling You can watch an actor absolutely sabotage a good script and then read reviews like "Unfortunately, even the impressive talents of Cheech Marin could not salvage Anton Chekhov's trite and meandering script." --Chet Ramey Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! --Monty Python and the Holy Grail 1983 called, and it wants its fashion cliche' back. --Alan Asper, on hearing someone called a "preppie" Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. --David Ellis The fortune of my spirit is not to be blown into coins of brass and flung to the winds as alms for the poor of the spirit. --from the novel "Anthem" by Ayn Rand Graveyards are full of indispensable people. --Phillip J. Windley Folks, folks, I am seriously considering investing heavily in Eli Lilly & Co, for I have seen the future and it is named Prozac. --Jonathan L. Neuenschwander, observing the flame-fest surrounding the announcement of Mosaic Communications Corp. My grandmother used to say that when the need to vomit arises, a lady always uses the ice bucket and only if there are no indoor plants handy. --Jamie Hamilton Stop me if you've heard this one. Jesus walks into an Inn. He hands the Innkeeper three nails and asks him "Can you put Me up for the night?" --Brandon Lee, "The Crow" Those who really deserve praise are the people who, while human enough to enjoy power, nevertheless pay more attention to justice than they are compelled to do by their situation. --Thucydides The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. --Robert Heinlein "Christ is risen! Truly He is risen!" "Well, then it's time to knead him down and let him rise again. Or did you do that? If so, knead him down and divide him into loaf pans and *then* let him rise again. Did that too? OK, then bake him." --Donald Edwards We will create new Hiroshimas and Nagasakis. I will not hesitate to use nuclear weapons...You will get your own Chernobyl in Germany. --Vladimir Zhirinovsky A man that expects to train lobsters to fly in a year is called a lunatic and is locked up. But a man that thinks people can be turned into angels by legislation is called a reformer and allowed to walk free. --Mr. Dooly A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better. --Steven Wright Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. --Ed Gardner The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving. --Russell Green Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. --Paul Falstad The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. --Eric D. Hendrickson Why is it that when men look at women, it must be assumed that it has some negative effect. Men and women are of a separate sex and were designed to be attractive to each other. Before we had enough intellect to create love, there was natural, healthy lust. Now, this natural healthy drive is looked at as bad. --unknown PROGRAM n.: 1-A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. 2-An exercise in expermental epistemology. 3-A form of art, ostensibly intended for the instruction of computers, which is nevertheless almost inevitably a failure if other programmers can't understand it. --"New Hacker's Dictionary" edited by Eric Raymond PROGRAMMING n.: 1-The art of debugging a blank sheet of paper (or, in these days of on-line editing, the art of debugging an empty file). 2-A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 3-The most fun you can have with your clothes on (although clothes are not mandatory). --"New Hacker's Dictionary" edited by Eric Raymond Q: What did Lee Harvey Oswald say to Sirhan Sirhan? A: Out the window, through the grassy knoll, off Gov. Conlon, nothing but head. --unknown Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. --Brendan Field Are American citizens really so neurotically uptight about deviant sexual behavior that we will allow our entire information infrastructure to be dictated by the existence of pedophiles? --Bruce Sterling If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue. --"Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) The political tactic to promove privileges to rights and demote rights to privileges is well known, but is hard to stop as long as those who receive privileges by new-found rights do not object to the rights of which they are stripped, instead considering it the "price to pay". --Erik Naggum Talk is cheap, unless it is done by Congress. --Anon. If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, do you get wet? --Steven Wright (M)achine (A)lways (C)rashes (I)f (N)ot (T)he (O)perating (S)ystem (H)angs --Dennis Stalnaker It's a spinoff of a spinoff of Beverly Hills 90210. Sort of like a good meal that has been processed by the body, re-ingested, and then processed again. --Larry Riedel, describing the series "Models, Inc." Someone said using TSO was like kicking a dead whale accross the beach. You could do it, but it took lots of effort, the longer you did it the worse it smelled, and you CERTAINLY didn't want anyone to watch, because it was inherently gross. --Spencer Dawkins A flashing "12:00" on the VCR of life. --Spencer Dawkins Excuse me while I pop upstairs to the basement. --M. C. Escher In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. --Mark Twain Iraqi Bingo: B52...F-16...A-10...F-18...F-117...B2.... --Robert Clark The FDA attacks tryptophan, melatonin, etc. to increase their and MDs' monopoly on permission to buy medicine. This is power; power corrupts. Health matters. --kpc@ptolemy.arc.nasa.gov I've got a mind like a... a... what's that thing called? --Rebekah Davis The meerkat is an African prairie dog, close kin to the mongoose and weasel. They eat vegetation and small animals, including the giant African scorpions, which can reach eight inches in length. I respect them greatly for that. --Blair P. Houghton Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. --Gore Vidal If this is the "information superhighway", and someone gets on the highway who doesn't know how to drive, the solution isn't to make everyone else walk. --Michael Priestley I believe in Spinoza's God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with the fates and actions of human beings. --Albert Einstein It is a civilization committed to the quest for continually improved means to carelessly examined ends. --Robert K. Merton Can you trust a government that subsidizes tobacco and tries to ban vitamins to make intelligent choices about YOUR health care? --David H. Citron To poldly bow air mobius gumby four: Trek on novocaine. --Ken Weinert Cat: God's way of saying your furniture is too nice. --Allan Marain Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. --Ambrose Bierce We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours. --Dag Hammarskjold Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. --Kin Hubbard If fate means you to lose, give him a good fight anyhow. --William McFee It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time. --Winston Churchill We didn't see it ... I remember looking into the cow's eyes just before we hit. I kind of feel bad for the cow. --Tracy Davis of Troy, Ohio, speaking of a motorcycle accident where she was a passenger on a bike that struck a cow in the dark. I'm not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words. --Colm Buckley Faith is believing what you know ain't so. --Mark Twain Faith means not *wanting* to know the truth. --Nietzsche Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. --Phillip K. Dick It appears to me that the time has come for all to make their dissent from religion known. --John Stuart Mill If it weren't for change, your job would largely consist of making sure the corporate abacus rods were adequately greased. --John Cleese Q: Why did the Clintons send Chelsea to a private school? A: Because in a public school, the Secret Service would have been out-gunned. "Sulfuric Acid to ya!" What's that? Bye, in any language! --Ben Green Experience is the comb that Nature gives us after we are bald. --Belgian Proverb No minute lost comes ever back again. Take heed and see ye nothing do in vain. --London Clock Tower motto Gratitude: A lively sense of future benefit. --French definition Make it a point to do something everyday that you won't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. --Mark Twain Two things we ought to learn from history: one, that we are not in ourselves superior to our fathers; another, that we are shamefully and monstrously inferior to them, if we do not advance beyond them. --Thomas Arnold The Four Horse Oppressors of the Apocalypse were Nutritional Deprivation, State of Belligerency, Widespread Transmittable Condition and Terminal Inconvenience. --Official Politically Correct Dictionary A pessimist is surprised as often as an optimist, but always pleasantly. --Robert Heinlein Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. --Lichty & Wagner I have too seen a female nipple--two of them, to be sure-- in the April 1967 issue of National Geographic, featuring the Ngutu tribe of southwest Tanzania. --Alan Asper Ass-engined Nazi slot cars. --American journalist P.J. O'Rourke on Porsches We should grant power over our affairs only to those who are reluctant to hold it and then only under conditions that increase the reluctance. --Alan Brown Objects in calendar are closer than they appear. --Jim Duncan, Penn State Math Dept Systems Administrator I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts! --Pete Gontier Did you hear that they gave Postal Workers a raise? Yeah, the price of bullets went up. --Dave Brinkman Napoleon said he was able to win all of those battles because he understood the value of five minutes. --Zig Ziglar There are "three absolute rights [sic] the right of personal security, personal liberty and personal property." --Sir William Blackstone. "The protection of these faculties is the first object of government." --James Madison, Federalist Paper #10. Gun Control means holding it in both hands. --Mario M. Butter IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more. --Mario M. Butter At Microsoft: Quality is job 1.1 --Ben Green At Intel: Quality is job 0.99999 --me If you throw a cat out of a moving vehicle, would you be fined for kitty-littering? Would a passer-by think that it was raining cats? Would the cat land on its feet? If the cat struck a mime, would he feign screaming in pain from the claws? --Ben Green Picaboo: one one-trillionith of a surprise. --John A. Murphy I don't think Hitler had cable. --Bobcat Goldthwait on TV "violence" Whosoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam. He brought death into this world. --Mark Twain Man sees sign: "Drink Canada Dry." Dies trying. --Ben Green Q: Why does Michael Fay have to wear mascara? A: Because he has four lashes. --Ben Green Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Rottweiler. --John J. Irvine Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. --Ben Green The best way to die is sit under a tree, eat lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer, then blow up. --Art Donovan, Hall of Fame lineman of the 1950's and 60's championship teams of the Baltimore Colts, talking to Johnny Carson, April 13, 1990 Give me ambiguity, or give me something else. --unknown The Health Care Nationalization Act of 1994: Guaranteed taxes for all Americans that can never be taken away, regardless of ability to pay. --Perry Metzger Tidbits: What they found all over the place after Tid lit up a stogie in the dynamite shack. --J. Hart I've gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers' parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. --New York City detective Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. --Ben Green Tori on the other hand needs a couple whacks on the head with the "Good Hair Day" stick. --Steve Fulton, discussing Tori Spelling's appearance on 90210 Q: Did you hear that Fidel Castro changed the Cuban national anthem? A: Yup. Now it's "Row, row, row your boat ... " --Ben Green A little rebellion now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. --Thomas Jefferson A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," the Universe replied, "That fact has not created in me a sense of obligation". --Stephen Crane I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. --Eddy Jansson How do you identify ODOT workers' kids on the playground? They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play. --Ben Green Germans, of course, have no love life. They can't, since whispering "I love you" to your sweetie sounds just the same as telling her that you wish to eviscerate her corpse and place the head on a spear in the front yard as a warning to others. --Dan Sorenson Is Brian Austin-Green aware that he's sporting what appears to be fairly fresh roadkill where he used to have hair? --Eric C. Anderson, on 90210 Of course it's not true, but let's make the bastard deny it! --LBJ (1948) The problem with attending such things is that, when a woman shows up wearing a dress cut daringly low, everyone stares, not at *her*, but at *me*, to see if *I* am staring at her. --Pope John XXIII, on diplomatic events Q: Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication. --Ben Green He kept saying I didn't listen to him... or something. --Tritchen Smith I've often thought the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress. --President George Bush, 1/28/92 Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. --Ben Green Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. --"Advice to Officers of the British Army", 1783 You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. --Ben Green I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. --Rebecca West, 1913 If there is no struggle there is no progress. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. --Frederick Douglass I've been thinking of having my testicles laminated. --George Carlin, giving an example of something you never hear I lost a button hole today. --Steven Wright I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator. --Steven Wright He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. --Steven Wright I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I had to buy them again. --Steven Wright If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. --Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. --Steven Wright Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. --Steven Wright I have a switch in my apartment. It doesn't do anything. Every once in awhile, I turn it on and off. One day I got a call. It was from a woman in France. She said "Cut it out". --Steven Wright It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. --Steven Wright I was skydiving horizontally. --Steven Wright If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? --Steven Wright On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. --Steven Wright I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall just so nobody would know. --Steven Wright I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it. --Steven Wright I invented the cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. --Steven Wright I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. --Steven Wright A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it". --Steven Wright Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. --Steven Wright In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. --Steven Wright While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said "Do I know you?" --Steven Wright When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. --Steven Wright When the baby gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. --Steven Wright I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. --Steven Wright I put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. --Steven Wright I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. --Steven Wright I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. --Steven Wright I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. --Steven Wright I couldn't find my socks this morning, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. --Steven Wright I like to skate on the other side of the ice. --Steven Wright My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. --Steven Wright One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. --Steven Wright Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. --Steven Wright Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen. --Steven Wright The judge asked: "what do you plead?" I said "Insanity. Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane? --Steven Wright I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?". So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far." --Steven Wright Someone sent me a postcard picture of the Earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." --Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. --Steven Wright "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." --Steven Wright My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. --Steven Wright I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. --Steven Wright I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. --Steven Wright I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. --Steven Wright What's another word for Thesaurus? --Steven Wright When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" --Steven Wright I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. --Steven Wright I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes". --Steven Wright My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. --Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." --Steven Wright I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. --Steven Wright I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. --Steven Wright I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. --Steven Wright I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." --Steven Wright My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. --Steven Wright The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. --Steven Wright I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. --Steven Wright You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. --Steven Wright How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? --Steven Wright I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". --Steven Wright I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. --Steven Wright If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? --Steven Wright When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. --Steven Wright You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. --Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. --Steven Wright Smoking cures weight problems... eventually... --Steven Wright Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for? --Steven Wright I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. --Steven Wright I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in 10 minutes. --Steven Wright I eat swiss cheese, but I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. --Steven Wright I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. --Steven Wright You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. --Steven Wright My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. --Steven Wright My friend Sally is a nudist. When she plays strip poker and loses, she has to put something on. --Steven Wright The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards. --Steven Wright Is "tired old cliche" one? --Steven Wright If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? --Steven Wright It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. --Steven Wright The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. --Steven Wright Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. --Steven Wright I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars, but I had to return it. --Steven Wright In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. --Steven Wright I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. --Steven Wright I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. --Steven Wright A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." --Steven Wright I had my coathangers spayed. --Steven Wright The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. --Steven Wright I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" --Steven Wright I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. --Steven Wright I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." --Steven Wright I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." --Steven Wright I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. --Steven Wright When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be 90. --Steven Wright It's a fine night to have an evening. --Steven Wright Even snakes are afraid of snakes. --Steven Wright I can't stop thinking like this. --Steven Wright This isn't all true. --Steven Wright You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. --Steven Wright Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. --Steven Wright My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. --Steven Wright I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. --Steven Wright If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? --Steven Wright If God dropped acid, would he see people? --Steven Wright All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. --Steven Wright When I was five years old I was on a merry-go-round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. --Steven Wright I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. --Steven Wright Doin' a little work around the house. Putting hardwood floors over wall-to wall carpeting. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say "Go ahead, touch it, it feels real". --Steven Wright My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. --Steven Wright One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. --Steven Wright I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. --Steven Wright I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. --Steven Wright It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. --Steven Wright I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. --Steven Wright I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in awhile I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." --Steven Wright So, do you live around here often? --Steven Wright When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. --Steven Wright (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! --Steven Wright I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." --Steven Wright I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything. --Steven Wright I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. --Steven Wright I washed mud off of mud. --Steven Wright I took a baby shower. --Steven Wright I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. --Steven Wright When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" --Steven Wright When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. --Steven Wright I couldn't find the remote to the remote. --Steven Wright I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. --Steven Wright The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me. --Steven Wright You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time. --Steven Wright There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. --Steven Wright I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. --Steven Wright I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. --Steven Wright I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done." --Steven Wright If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? --Steven Wright I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. --Steven Wright I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... --Steven Wright Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators. --Steven Wright I like to reminisce with people I don't know. --Steven Wright I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. --Steven Wright When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. --Steven Wright Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. --Steven Wright Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. --Steven Wright The guy who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. --Steven Wright My neighbor tried to rob a store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me the cash, or I'm marking down everything." --Steven Wright Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. --Steven Wright One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here." Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. --Steven Wright I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my new phone has no 'five' on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no sevens on it." --Steven Wright There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. --Steven Wright I had to stop driving my car for awhile, the tires got dizzy. --Steven Wright Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --unknown I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. --Steven Wright I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. --Steven Wright I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. --Steven Wright I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. --Steven Wright I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. --Steven Wright My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. --Steven Wright I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].... and says "Here, you can go." --Steven Wright I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. --Steven Wright I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. --Steven Wright I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. --Steven Wright I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. --Steven Wright I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row." --Steven Wright My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. --Steven Wright I was born by Ceasarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. --Steven Wright After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short... --Steven Wright I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. --Steven Wright I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. --Steven Wright I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's Free With Purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today. --Steven Wright I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. --Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." --Steven Wright I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. --Steven Wright I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" --Steven Wright My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time". --Steven Wright I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." --Steven Wright I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. --Steven Wright One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." --Steven Wright They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. --Steven Wright I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. --Steven Wright Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday. --Steven Wright I'd like to sing you a song about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." --Steven Wright I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. --Steven Wright I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one, it wasn't doing what I was doing. --Steven Wright The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. --Steven Wright I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coathanger. --Steven Wright I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. --Steven Wright Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? --Steven Wright If you take an oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? --Steven Wright I saw a want ad for "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." --Steven Wright I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. --Steven Wright I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat, so I looked closer. It was made of grass. --Steven Wright The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. --Steven Wright On the other hand, you have different fingers. --Steven Wright I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. --Steven Wright I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. --Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. --Steven Wright I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" --Steven Wright I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." --Steven Wright Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said "Hello?" and I said, "Hi, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so, he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." --Steven Wright My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. --Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.... I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. --Steven Wright I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. --Steven Wright I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. --Steven Wright I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." --Steven Wright Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. --Steven Wright The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. --Steven Wright My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. --Steven Wright My school colors were clear. We'd say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." --Steven Wright Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. --Steven Wright Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? --Steven Wright My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... --Steven Wright She said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein." --Steven Wright I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back. They were mad. --Steven Wright I filled out an application that said, "In case of emergency notify". I wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do? --Steven Wright My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. --Steven Wright I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. --Steven Wright Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" --Steven Wright I had amnesia once or twice. --Steven Wright I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. --Steven Wright If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? --Steven Wright I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. --Steven Wright I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. --Steven Wright There aren't enough days in the weekend. --Steven Wright Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. --Steven Wright If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? --Steven Wright I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. --Steven Wright I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. --Steven Wright Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. --Steven Wright I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. --Steven Wright I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. --Steven Wright I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. --Steven Wright Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. --Steven Wright I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. --Steven Wright wannabe I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling. --Steven Wright wannabe Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met. --Steven Wright wannabe Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed. --Steven Wright wannabe A metaphor is like a simile. --Steven Wright wannabe I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. --Steven Wright wannabe It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. --Steven Wright wannabe The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant. --Steven Wright wannabe At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. --Steven Wright wannabe For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. --Steven Wright wannabe The majority and I have both had the good sense to avoid each other as much as possible. We have both benefitted. --James Boe If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? --Ben Green Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? --Ben Green The more noise a motor or a man makes the less power is available. --W. R. McGeary There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal. --Michael Hammer Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies important ongoing activity. --Paul Goodman The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. --Walter Bagehot Work is hard if you're paid to do it, and it's pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it. --Finley Peter Dunne The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. If I were a grave digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a good deal of enjoyment. --Douglas Jerrold In the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains. --Dwight D. Eisenhower (first Inaugural Address) When aiming for the lowest common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. --Anonymous My body is producing milk. Do you know how weird that is? That's like suddenly discovering you can get bacon from your elbow. --Murphy Brown in the episode where she gives birth Committees do not design! They are never held responsible, nor are they rewarded or punished. Committees can review. --C. Gordon Bell There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. --P.J. O'Rourke You have to be a real stud hombre cybermuffin to handle Windows. --Dave Barry thespacebaronthisdeviceisbusted --Trouble report seen at U. of Tulsa Most of the... candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides to take not quite so much of your income. --Dave Barry Backbite, v.: To speak of a man as you find him, when he can't find you. --Ambrose Bierce The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. --Jennifer Nolan I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple Life is like a box of chocolates. It's overpriced, and most of the stuff in it sucks. --ObGumpism Q: What do you call a short psychic who escapes from prison? A: A small medium at large. --Ben Green There's nothing wrong with shooting, as long as the right people get shot. --Dirty Harry At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child -- miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is an ideology of sniveling brats. --PJ O'Rourke, "Give War A Chance" The Soviet State wished to remake man and, if one knows Russians, one can sympathize. --Anthony Burgess The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy About Wagner's music: It's better than it sounds. --Mark Twain We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. --Aesop THE WORST HOMING PIGEON IN HISTORY was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. When Congressman Newt Gingrich was a graduate student at Tulane University I baptized him by immersion into the membership of the St. Charles Avenue Baptist Church. Perhaps I didn't hold him under long enough. --(The Rev) G. Avery Lee Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question. --Thomas Jefferson, 1st Inagural Address Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up. --anonymous Some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen. --Woody Guthrie When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. --P.J. O'Rourke, "Parliament of Whores" A: Dr Livingston I Presume. Q: What is your full name, Dr Presume? --PDQ Bach, "Knock, Knock" IF the math or science or history contradicts the Bible, then that math, science, or history is a LIE. That's why I don't believe the Satanic lie of evolution. --David L. Hanson (on talk.origins) Bumper sticker seen on a Plumber's truck: In my business, a flush beats a full house. Laws that forbid the carrying of arms..disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed one. --Thomas Jefferson quoting Cesare Beccaria, Criminologist 1764. An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. --unknown Specification documents for the 747: 1 Ditto for Air Force One (a 747): 14000 --Henry Spencer I sometimes think that the Internet is a way to air out all the awful odors which lurk in the American hinterland. --Bruce Salem (on talk.origins) One Bananosecond = the amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement. Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long. --Ben Green Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. --P. J. O'Rourke I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. --Emo Phillips There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. --Anon Please do not feed the squirrels. If you feed the squirrels, they'll become overweight and prone to disease. Their population will grow, and they'll lose their ability to forage for food on their own. They will expect you to feed them and will attack you if you don't. They'll become like little welfare recipients, and you wouldn't want to do this to them. --Sign in Rocky Mountain National Park Guns don't kill people. Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people. --bumper sticker Don't shoot me, I'll move over. --bumper sticker Honk if you're reloading. --bumper sticker The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. --Josh Billings Boot up, log in, nerd out. --unknown And doesn't it say something weird about the 90's when having your credit card ready is an acceptable type of foreplay? --Amy Ward--othello@iac.net I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. --Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974) (Rumored to have also been said by J. Caesar.) Government is not reason. It is not eloquence. It is a force. Like fire, a dangerous servant and a fearful master. --G. Washington If ease of use is the highest goal, we should all be driving golf carts. --Larry Wall It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once. --Hume A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. --Ken Applin Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. --Ken Applin 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. --Ken Applin Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? --Ken Applin Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. --Ken Applin Every morning is the dawn of a new error. --Ken Applin A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. --Ken Applin For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. --Ken Applin I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... --Ken Applin I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. --Ken Applin Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. --Ken Applin Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. --Ken Applin Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. --Ken Applin There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. --Ken Applin I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. --Ken Applin Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? --Ken Applin A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. --Ken Applin Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. --Ken Applin If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. --Ken Applin If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. --Ken Applin It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. --Ken Applin Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. --Ken Applin Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. --Ken Applin Budget: A method for going broke methodically. --Ken Applin Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. --Ken Applin Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. --Ken Applin Do witches run spell checkers? --Ken Applin Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. --Ken Applin Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. --Ken Applin Department of Redundancy Department --Ken Applin Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! --Ken Applin Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. --Ken Applin COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key --Ken Applin Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. --Ken Applin 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. --Ken Applin Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. --Ken Applin Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. --Ken Applin My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. --Ken Applin C:\VISTA C:\VISTA\GO C:\PC\CRAWL --unknown BREAKFAST.COM halted, cereal port not responding --Ken Applin The name is Baud, James Baud. --Ken Applin Access denied--nah nah na nah nah nah! --Ken Applin C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. --Ken Applin Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. --Ken Applin Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" --Ken Applin As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. --Ken Applin Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) --Ken Applin ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) --Ken Applin Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny --Ken Applin A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. --Ken Applin A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. --Ken Applin Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. --Ken Applin SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory... --Ken Applin Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? --Ken Applin Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. --Ken Applin RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. --Ken Applin Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... --Ken Applin Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... --Ken Applin Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... --Ken Applin E-mail returned to sender --insufficient voltage. --Ken Applin Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up! --Ken Applin All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? --Ken Applin Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. --Ken Applin Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... --Ken Applin Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. --Ken Applin REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) --Ken Applin Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" --Ken Applin Hit any user to continue. --Ken Applin 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push. --Ken Applin Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. --Ken Applin Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic --Ken Applin (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? --Ken Applin (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? --Ken Applin If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. --Ken Applin Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. --Ken Applin Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. --Ken Applin Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. --Ken Applin Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. --Ken Applin A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist. --Elbert Hubbard I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. --Neil Armstrong 150 years ago everybody was a Christian Scientist. --dmr 1776 - 1984 There Is No Middle Ground --a button from the Libertarian Party 36% of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk makes it safe to drink. --survey results by Jon Miller, Northern Illinois University Maybe you should call the Internet and talk to their tech support people. (Reply from an AOL tech-support rep speaking to a customer complaining about e-mail that failed to go through.) (SOURCE: Internet World, February 1995, p. 18) Batten down the hatches, several thousand Zulus approaching from the north. --Christopher Commision report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91 Politicians in government should be changed regularly, like diapers, for the same reason. --British political aphorism Actually, you just think that's a telephone. Really, it's the alarm that rings whenever I get out of my chair. --E.S. Q. Why are New Yorkers always depressed? A. The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. --Fredrick Homan The race may not be to the swift nor the victory to the strong, but that's how you bet. --Damon Runyon (1844-1946) In an Orkin Exterminating Co. survey of what pests Pitsburghers fear most, 1.3% named their spouses and kids. --Wall Street Journal, 26 May 1988 America: a country so rich and so strong we can reward the lazy and punish the productive and still survive (so far). --Don Melvin America, land of the Constitution. Void where prohibited. --Don Melvin True, money can't buy happiness, but it's not happiness I want, it's money. --Someone at the bus station In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. Forget the past. No one becomes successful in the past. --Anonymous Anyone who says business people deal only in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections. --Malcolm Forbes Accident: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. --Ambrose Bierce One good teacher in a lifetime may sometimes change a delinquent into a solid citizen. --Philip Wylie Truth fears no trial. --Thomas Paine Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing. --Abraham Lincoln It has been my observation that most people get ahead during the time that others waste. --Henry Ford In great attempts it is glorious even to fail. --Vince Lombardi Don't just make a living, design a life. --Jim Rohn There is no limit to what can be accomplished when no one cares who gets the credit. --John Wooden You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today. --Abraham Lincoln It is kind of fun to do the impossible. --Walt Disney No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out. --Italian Proverb Wealth, I was discovering, is more accurately measured in what you enjoy than in what you possess. --Jean Aspen, "Arctic Son" Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. --Steven Wright Palindromic was I ere I saw Cimordnilap. --David Dubin There is no substitute for hard work. --Thomas Edison Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why. --Bernard Baruch I don't know the secret to success but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. --Bill Cosby I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. --Steven Wright Of all the strange "crimes" that humanity has legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place. --Lazarus Long The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. --Hubert H. Humphrey Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it. --Thomas Jefferson from his First Inaugural Address Imagine how little used calculus would have been if a court had decided that no one could study, use or do research on it without paying a royalty to Newton's designated heirs. --The Independent, October 5, 1992 Be braver. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps. --Stephen R. van den Berg He couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. --Tom Limoncelli The person who makes a success of living is the one who sees their goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication. --Cecil B. DeMille If you don't make a total commitment to whatever you're doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It's tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when one person stands up and starts putting their life jacket on. --Lou Holtz A stone thrown at the right time is better than gold given at the wrong time. --Persian saying To open a shop is easy, to keep it open is an art. --Chinese saying Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. --Ralph Waldo Emerson WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. --Stephen R. van den Berg One of the illusions of life is that the present hour is not the critical, decisive hour. Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year. --Ralph Waldo Emerson No one can avoid aging, but aging productively is something else. --Katharine Graham I never worry about action, but only about inaction. --Winston Churchill The gods do not protect fools. Fools are protected by more capable fools. --Larry Niven I think contraception is disgusting --people using each other for pleasure. --Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League Shake and shake / The catsup bottle. / None will come, / And then a lot'll. --Richard Armour Sign at a nursery school: Please pick up your children promptly after service. No refunds after Wednesday. --Stephen R. van den Berg Lord, help me to be the man my dog thinks I am. --bumper sticker seen in a church parking lot Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around. --Calvin & Hobbes People call and say, "[Opossums]'re ugly." And I say, "You might be ugly, too. But that doesn't mean I can have you eradicated." --Ellen Plachter (Wildlife Care Center, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida) No person is so grand or wise or perfect as to be the master of another. --Karl Hess Our mission is clear: make America drug-free in as short a time as possible using any means necessary no matter what the cost. --LtGen J.B. Conway A loggerhead turtle fell from the sky and hit a man in his white Chevy Nova. --Newspaper article, "Tallahassee Democrat", 9/17/95 Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. --Cookie Monster Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. --Kin Hubbard Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions. --Bll Gats, 192 Prescriptions are no more moral than ration slips for food, vitamins, or shoes. --kpc@ptolemy.arc.nasa.gov You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. --Charles A. Beard A sign seen in a jewelry store window: "Ears pierced while you wait". --Stephen R. van den Berg Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. --Thomas Paine Is your lifestyle BATF approved? --unknown Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them. --Franklin D. Roosevelt No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong. --Albert Einstein All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. --Edmund Burke Poor people have access to the courts in the same sense that the Christians had access to the lions. --Judge Earl Johnson Jr. Question Authority and the Authorities will question You. --unknown I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 But what... is it good for? --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of DEC, 1977 This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. --Western Union internal memo, 1876 The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a C, the idea must be feasible. --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927 I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. --Gary Cooper, on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind". A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make. --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this. --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads. So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you." And they said, "No." So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training. --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus. Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. Everything that can be invented has been invented. --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon. --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. --Bill Gates, 1981 On March 21, 1995, the state of Mississippi ratified the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and officially abolished slavery. --Harper's Index, July, 1995 I, personally, decided during my childhood, that I'd never eat something I wouldn't kill myself. Gets rid of all kinds of moral dilemmas. The real jump is to generalize to the moral principle that you refuse to benefit from any activity you wouldn't perform yourself. --Kirk Hays I yam Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated. --Corey D. Brenner For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. --R. Clopton He didn't administer the reign of terror, just the occasional light shower. --Terry Pratchett, "Sorcery" And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, till the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. --Woody Allen I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits. --Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal. He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. --Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position. --John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. I didn't accept it. I received it. --Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying. --Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes. --President Richard Nixon I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate. --former VP Dan Quayle Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. --Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. --Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent... --John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary American Scholar The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. --Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector. --Knight Ridder News Service dispatch After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, RI DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can reach salvation. --Umberto Eco, in "Espresso," September 30, 1994. Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "You have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. --Steven Wright We are Pentium of Borg. Precision is futile. You will be approximated. --Paul Smith I don't recommend it, but it can be done. --Chuck Yeager, fighter pilot and legendary test pilot, when talking about flying fighter planes in combat drunk off his ass It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. --Kevin Robinson Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. --Ronald Reagan Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. --Rebecca Richards Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. --Cornelia Otis Skinner It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do only a little. Do what you can. --Sydney Smith The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the man. --Roy L. Smith Remember when we all wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor? Well, now I do. --Carrie Snow Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope. --C .P. Snow Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him. --Herbert Spencer Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. --Adlai Stevenson An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. --Adlai Stevenson First Law of Socio-Genetics: celibacy is not hereditary. --unknown Intoxicated: to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. --unknown Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. --Rich Hall, "Sniglets" My vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. --Jim Howard When their numbers dwindled from 50 down to 8, the remaining dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". --Jim Howard When I started programming, we didn't have any of these sissy 'icons' and 'windows'. All we had were zeros and ones -- and sometimes we didn't even have ones. --Dilbert (by Scott Adams) When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. --Jim Howard Cartoon Law #2: Everything falls faster than an anvil. --Jim Howard Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. --Jim Howard Windows is *not* a virus. Viruses *do* something. --Jim Howard Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A *very* happy pit bull. --Jim Howard Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. --Wotan You're the type of guy who'd give a Rubik's Cube to Forrest Gump. --Local DJ, station Z93 I want to thank everybody who made this day necessary. --Yogi Berra If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. --Yogi Berra advising a player trying to crowd the plate like Frank Robinson He must have made that before he died. --Yogi Berra, on a movie starring Steve McQueen Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't go to yours. --Yogi Berra Time is money: anyone telling you otherwise is asking for a *non-returnable* handout. --Philip Guenther "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." --From a list of resume errors collected by personnel expert Robert Half, Forbes, page 28, 5/6/96 Censorship works best when you have quiet fear, not open hostility. --Richard Jay Solomon It is the duty of every free person to oppose attempts by politicians, police, teachers and medical authorities to control who and what adults put into their bodies. --Guy Geens Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the screwing began. --wotan@netcom.com The Internet interprets the US Congress as damage and routes around it. --unknown Criticism is particularly objectionable when it is directed toward church authorities, general or local. Evil speaking of the Lord's anointed is in a class by itself. It is one thing to depreciate a person who exercises corporate power or even government power. It is quite another thing to criticize or depreciate a person for the performance of an office to which he or she has been called of God. It does not matter that the criticism is true. --Dallin H. Oaks, Former Justice, Utah Supreme Court Apostle, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. --Jim Backus I heard that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. --Noel Coward, 1956 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --Sacha Guitry Marriage is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important. --Lisa Hoffman She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. --Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --Jackie Mason Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. --Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. --Socrates A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. --Lana Turner Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. --Mae West Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. --unknown Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ... --unknown Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. --unknown Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. --unknown Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. --unknown They say marriages are made in heaven. So is thunder and lightning. --Clint Eastwood Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. --unknown I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. --unknown If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. --unknown In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. --Adlai Stevenson Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. --Milton Friedman The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. --Oscar Wilde A great obstacle to good education is the inordinate passion prevalent for novels, and the time lost in that reading which should be instructively employed. When this poison infects the mind, it destroys its tone and revolts it against wholesome reading. Nothing can engage attention unless dressed in all the figments of fancy, and nothing so bedecked comes amiss. The result is a bloated imagination, sickly judgment, and disgust towards all the real business of life. --from a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to John Adams on June 10th, 1815 "Citizen Jefferson: The Wit and Wisdom of an American Sage" There's plenty of youth around, what we need is a fountain of *smart*. --Jon Hamilton I conclude that the CDA is unconstitutional and that the First Amendment denies Congress the power to regulate protected speech on the Internet. --Judge Stewart Dalzell in "ACLU v. Reno" Don't Like My Driving? http://www.byte.me.com --Silicon Valley bumper sticker Total economic equality will be achieved when tax freedom day reaches December 31st. --LNUSMCD.BZCZ97 Only the morally courageous can speak to their fellow man for two hours in the dark. --Frank Capra, filmmaker On his birthday he sent himself flowers, took himself out to dinner, invited himself up for a drink, and damn near got lucky. --The Top 5 List Cheque not in the post yet; still trying to separate blood from stone. --Dave Blake Concerto (n): a fight between a piano and a pianist. --Beth Nicol Optimist: someone who says a glass is half full. Pessimist: someone who says a glass is half empty. Reengineering consultant: "You've got twice as much glass as you need." --Steven Johnson In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip. --Daniel L. Reardon Always give generously; a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care". --A cat's guide to life Great Lover, n.: A man who can breathe through his ears. --Wotan The Number 1 Sign You're Pledging the Wrong Sorority or Fraternity: "Smegma" may sound like a letter in the Greek alphabet, but it's not. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com I'd like to have a dinner party and invite John Tesh and Charles Manson. Not for their company, but because I really don't like John Tesh. --Steve Hurd Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #14: Working on your back under the car, you get the sudden urge to paint a church. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #13: Same thing every morning: wake up, brush teeth, carve "SID" into your chest with a razor blade. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #12: You can actually sing Bohemian Rhapsody without sounding like a complete idiot. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #11: When your boss criticizes your sales projection figures, you hack off your ear. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #10: Disqualified during Swim Suit Competition for smoking cigar and wiggling eyebrows at other contestants. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #9: Can't understand why a fine doctor like yourself is being sued for putting leeches on a patient. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #8: Century after century, you find Shirley MacLaine consistently annoying. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #7: Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, but you love her singing voice. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #6: Whenever you get sick, it's always a rockin' pneumonia or a boogie-woogie flu. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #5: In preparation for Hurricane Hortense, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbors' pets. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #4: You cannot tell a lie. Regardless, you considering running for president. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #3: Other scouts return from that first mountain hike with poison ivy; *you're* lugging tablets of inscribed stone. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #2: You fill your pants every time you hear the words, "Little Bighorn." --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Why you might be the reincarnation of someone famous #1: Timmy is stuck in the old mine and all you can do is bark as your husband asks, "What is it, girl?!?" --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. --Jeff Raskin #1 on Forrest Gump's "To Do" List: Pee; Unzip pants; Change order of "TO DO" List. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com #2 on Forrest Gump's "To Do" List: Socks first, THEN shoes. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com #3 on Forrest Gump's "To Do" List: Send a thank you note to Mr. Simpson for the swell knife he gave me on the plane. --The Top Five List, top5@walrus.com MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts. --Winston Churchill I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state. --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson, Louisiana These are indeed harsh times for the dim. --jott@snugbug.cts.com Owing to past neglect, in the face of the plainest warnings, we have now entered upon a period of danger. The era of procrastination, of half measures... of delays, is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences... We cannot avoid this period; we are in it now. Unless... [management] resolves to find out the truth for itself, it will have committed an act of abdication of duty without parallel. --Winston Churchill, 11/12/1936 Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you. --The Old Farmer's Almanac I just got my own computer. It's like a paraplegic getting a treadmill. --a relative of my boss It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. --Voltaire Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time. --Attributed to Tallulah Bankhead (1903-68) We ran outta turkey and ate my brain. --Greg Coleman Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refuse to go on a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You know you're addicted to the Internet when your bookmark takes fifteen minutes to scroll from top to bottom. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." You know you're addicted to the Internet when your phone bill comes to your door in a box. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You know you're addicted to the Internet when all of your friends have an "@" in their names. You know you're addicted to the Internet when the last girl/guy you picked up was only a JPEG. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you start tilting your head sideways to smile :-) You know you're addicted to the Internet when your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you don't know the sex of your closest friends because they all have neutral nicknames. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you kiss your girlfriend's home page instead of her. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html You know you're addicted to the Internet when you wake up at 3:00 AM to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you check your e-mail, and it says no new messages, so you check it again. You know you're addicted to the Internet when your fantasy dreams at night are in HTML. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you get a tattoo that says, "This body is best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." My karma ran over my dogma. --bumper sticker The gene pool could use a little chlorine. --bumper sticker I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. --bumper sticker Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. --bumper sticker Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot --bumper sticker If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? --bumper sticker Few women admit their age, few men act it. --bumper sticker I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. --bumper sticker It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. --bumper sticker Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. --bumper sticker According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. --bumper sticker Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. --bumper sticker Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. --bumper sticker Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. --bumper sticker Give me ambiguity or give me something else. --bumper sticker Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. --bumper sticker He who laughs last thinks slowest. --bumper sticker I smile because I don't know what's going on. --bumper sticker Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. --bumper sticker Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. --bumper sticker Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. --bumper sticker Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. --bumper sticker 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. --bumper sticker Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? --bumper sticker I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. --bumper sticker "Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog." -Dorothy --bumper sticker You are entitled to your own opinion. You are not entitled to your own facts. --Anonymous Success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. --Winston Churchill His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... --some bad novel Click here if you're not using a mouse. --Microsoft installation prompt If you're trying to be politically correct you're like a chameleon in front of a mirror. What can you say that won't be offensive to somebody? --Robin Williams Violence on television only affect children whose parents behave like TV characters. --David Byrne The closest anyone ever comes to perfection is on a job application form. --unknown ... that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. --Thomas Jefferson, Prologue, "Declaration of Independence" Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. --Prof. Stephen Hawking, 'A Brief History of Time', 1988 Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. --Rich Hall, "Sniglets" The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. --Mark Twain Veni vidi velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around. --Gordon Findlay I will not do that thing with my tongue. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I cannot absolve sins. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not draw naked ladies in class. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not barf unless I'm sick. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not waste chalk. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I no longer want my MTV. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not a 32 year old woman. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Garlic gum is not funny. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson They are laughing at me, not with me. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not skateboard in the halls. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not instigate revolution. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not burp in class. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not fake my way through life. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Tar is not a play thing. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I did not see Elvis. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not trade pants with others. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not drive the principal's car. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not encourage others to fly. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not Xerox my butt. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson It's potato, not potatoe. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not sleep through my education. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not cut corners. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will finish what I sta___. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The Christmas pageant does not stink. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not sell school property. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not get very far with this attitude. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not do anything bad ever again. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not make flatulent noises in class. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not belch the national anthem. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not sell land in Florida. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not grease the monkey bars. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not show off. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not a dentist. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Nobody likes sunburn slappers. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson High explosives and school don't mix. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Underwear should be worn on the inside. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not torment the emotionally frail. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Spitwads are not free speech. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not bribe Principal Skinner. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not squeak chalk. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Teacher is not a leper. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Coffee is not for kids. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson A burp is not an answer. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson My name is not "Dr. Death". --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not conduct my own fire drills. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not spin the turtle. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not fake seizures. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not aim for the head. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not carve gods. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not bury the new kid. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not deliciously saucy. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not spank others. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not barf unless I'm sick. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Funny noises are not funny. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not snap bras. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson This punishment is not boring and pointless. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not defame New Orleans. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not prescribe medication. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not teach others to fly. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not bring sheep to class. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not sell miracle cures. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not eat things for money. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Goldfish don't bounce. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not call the principal "spud head". --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not charge admission to the bathroom. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I do not have diplomatic immunity. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will never win an Emmy. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will return the seeing-eye dog. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson No one is interested in my underpants. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Organ transplants are best left to the professionals. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not re-transmit without the express permission of major league baseball. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Beans are neither fruit nor musical. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson There are plenty of businesses like show business. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not dissect things unless instructed. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not whittle hall passes out of soap. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not send lard through the mail. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Ralph won't "Morph" if you squeeze him hard enough. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The boys room is not a water park. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson No one wants to hear from my armpits. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not a lean mean spitting machine. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I do not have power of attorney over first graders. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not complain about the solution when I hear it. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Indian burns are not our cultural heritage. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Nerve gas is not a toy. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will only do this once a year. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The first amendment does not cover burping. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Adding 'just kidding' doesn't make it okay to insult the principal. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not hang donuts on my person. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Next time it could be me on the scaffolding. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not strut around like I own the place. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will remember to take my medication. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson I am not certified to remove asbestos. --written on blackboard by Bart Simpson Scientists are explorers, philosophers are tourists. --Richard Feynman Chemists wash their hands BEFORE they go to the bathroom. --Tim Thompson, System Administrator/Chemist After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? --Steven Wright How can there be self-help "groups"? --Steven Wright If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? --Steven Wright If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? --Steven Wright If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? --Steven Wright If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? --Steven Wright Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? --Steven Wright Is there another word for synonym? --Steven Wright Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? --Steven Wright Just *before* someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? --Steven Wright When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? --Steven Wright When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? --Steven Wright When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? --Steven Wright Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? --Steven Wright Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? --Steven Wright Why do they report power outages on TV? --Steven Wright Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? --Steven Wright You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. --Franklin P. Jones I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner And how do you spell that? --response given by Microsoft Tech Support when Christine Gates gave her last name History doesn't repeat itself tho' sometimes it rhymes. --Mark Twain The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... uh... --Hurewitz's Memory Principle In nature there are neither rewards, nor punishments; there are consequences. --Robert G. Ingersoll Back of every achievement is a proud wife, and a surprised mother-in-law. --Brooks Hays Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. --Mark Twain Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. --Thomas Jefferson, Prologue, "Declaration of Independence" The future masters of technology will have to be lighthearted and intelligent. The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb. --Marshall McLuhan, 1969 I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. --A Bit of Fry and Laurie A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. --Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. --Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. --Dave Barry I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? --Dick Cavett, on TV-violence If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. --Dave Barry No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. --Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom 668: The Neighbor of the Beast Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. --Emo Phillips Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. --F.P. Jones Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See" As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. --Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" --Quentin Crisp I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! --Monty Python May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. --George Carlin Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. --John F. Kennedy Her/his kisses left something to be desired --the rest of her/him. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. --Johnny Carson I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. --Charles Barkley My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. --Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. --In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front? Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." --Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz] I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. --Hunter S. Thompson Sacred cows make the best hamburger. --Mark Twain Time's fun when you're having flies. --Kermit the Frog Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. --Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. --Ellen Degeneres I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." --Mike Binder The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. --Pearl Williams I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. --Ogden Nash If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care? --Far Side When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? --important query found on Internet Nicotine is good stuff for that 30% of the general public who suffer from a genetic neurotransmitter disorder of the amygdala; it's the delivery system that kills. --Grayson Lynn Dejanesia (noun): the feeling that I've forgotten this before. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. --Thomas Jefferson, Prologue, "Declaration of Independence" Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. --Woody Allen Give a man a piece of working code and you solve his problem. Teach a man to write code and you give him a lifetime of new problems. --Timothy J. Luoma The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. --Alfred Hitchcock In the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is a hallucinating idiot. --Marshall McLuhan I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head. --Theodore Roosevelt One of the nice things about being in the minority is that you can be irresponsible and get away with it. --Leonard Weiss, minority staff director to the Senate Committee on Governmental Affairs Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. --Wernher von Braun Mustgo, n.: any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. --Sniglets, Rich Hall What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed. --Paula Poundstone, 1997 ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. --Sniglets, Rich Hall AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. --Sniglets, Rich Hall AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear). --Sniglets, Rich Hall BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. --Sniglets, Rich Hall BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. --Sniglets, Rich Hall CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. --Sniglets, Rich Hall DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" --Sniglets, Rich Hall DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs. --Sniglets, Rich Hall ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. --Sniglets, Rich Hall EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. --Sniglets, Rich Hall ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. --Sniglets, Rich Hall ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. --Sniglets, Rich Hall FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. --Sniglets, Rich Hall LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side. --Sniglets, Rich Hall NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. --Sniglets, Rich Hall PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want groundpepper. --Sniglets, Rich Hall PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. --Sniglets, Rich Hall PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. --Sniglets, Rich Hall PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. --Sniglets, Rich Hall TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. --Sniglets, Rich Hall A diamond is merely a lump of coal that handled stress rather well. --Mike Woods My best dream involved 4 sets of identical twins, 2 gallons of Cool Whip, 5 quarts of chocolate syrup, 2-1/4 pounds of strawberries, satin sheets, a magnum of champagne, a trapeze, and a python. --unknown Men! You can't live with them and you can't (1) dip them in batter for tempura, (2) use them for collateral on a loan, (3) put in new batteries. --"Sylvia" (comic strip by Nicole Hollander) You must get involved to have an impact. No one is impressed with the won-loss record of the referee. --John H. Holcomb If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog. --Mark Twain When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. --bumper sticker Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. --bumper sticker Evidence is building that the software Silver Bullet is of .45 caliber, and can only be fired from a Colt automatic. This premise is based upon remarkable similarities to the legendary accuracy of the firearm in battle, of which it has been said that the most effective use of the weapon is to throw it at the enemy's head. --Grayson Lynn According to Decartes, you don't exist. --unknown Neckties strangle clear thinking. --Lin Yutang You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin No greater wrong can ever be done than to put a good man at the mercy of a bad, while telling him not to defend himself or his fellows; in no way can the success of evil be made surer or quicker. --Theodore Roosevelt If your position is everywhere, your momentum is zero. --Congressional corollary to Heisenberg's Principle The Universe is utterly indifferent to the fact that you do not realize the consequences of your actions; you will have to deal with them just the same. --Bernie Sayers Just because MS-Windows holds 90% of the market doesn't mean it's superior. Remember 90% of all animals are insects. --Ralph Lindberg The Internet - billions of electrons with nothing better to do. --Coyt D. Watters I can only pray that your personal magnetism doesn't erase my hard drive. --Alice from "Dilbert", 11/19/96 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. --Albert Einstein He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. --William S. Paley, chairman of CBS Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. --John Sloan What happens to sour cream when it goes bad? --amy@year2000.com Who's supposed to read a sign saying 'Seeing Eye Dogs Only'? --amy@year2000.com Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. I know not a single less relevant reason for an update than bug fixes. The reason for updates is to present new features. --Bill Gates in Focus, a German magazine I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. --Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think. --unknown Churchill's commentary: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in the insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. --Justice Louis D. Brandeis (1928) Never criticize a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from him and have his shoes as well. --Peter Salzman Year-2000 Federal budget numbers are ... brought to you by the same folks who like to refer to a 200-point drop in the market as "the biggest plunge in history" rather than as a 2-1/2% correction. --Grayson Lynn DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? --SAM IN CA DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office. The doorway to all freedoms is framed with muskets. --Charlton Heston A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. --unknown Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. --Wiker's Law Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. --bumper sticker Cover me! I'm changing lanes. --bumper sticker As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. --bumper sticker Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. --bumper sticker Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot. --bumper sticker Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her sleep. --bumper sticker The gene pool could use a little chlorine. --bumper sticker It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. --bumper sticker When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS. --bumper sticker I took an IQ test, and the results were negative. --bumper sticker We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. --bumper sticker Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. --bumper sticker The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. --bumper sticker Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? --bumper sticker I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. --bumper sticker Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off. --bumper sticker The rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage. --bumper sticker The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can. --bumper sticker Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready. --bumper sticker 1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman. --bumper sticker People like that are the reason we have middle fingers. --bumper sticker A single fact can ruin a good argument. --bumper sticker All stressed out and no one to choke. --bumper sticker Next from Intel: the Repentium. --bumper sticker If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles. --bumper sticker G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns. --bumper sticker Cat bathing is a martial art. --bumper sticker Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton. --bumper sticker Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today. --bumper sticker Circular definition: see definition, circular. --bumper sticker Sorry, I don't date outside my species. --bumper sticker Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. --bumper sticker I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want? --bumper sticker Support cannibalism. Eat me. --bumper sticker I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. --bumper sticker Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. --bumper sticker Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. --bumper sticker You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. --bumper sticker SPIRTLE, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. --Sniglets, Rich Hall We trained hard... but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized.. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficieny and demoralization. --Pelronis Arbiter, 210 B.C. How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Americans throw rice at weddings; do Orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? The light went out, but where to? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are? Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, do the other trees make fun of it? A closed mouth gathers no feet. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! --seen on billboard Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Boycott shampoo. Demand REAL poo. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. --Woody Allen Geek used to be a four-letter word. Now it's a six-figure one. --seen on a T-shirt My work is done, why wait? --suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman If merely 'feeling good' could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience. --William James, Varieties of Religious Experience Pillage first, THEN burn. You know you're not a kid anymore when you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You know you're not a kid anymore when you can live without sex but not without glasses. You know you're not a kid anymore when your back goes out more than you do. You know you're not a kid anymore when you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You know you're not a kid anymore when you buy a compass for the dash of your car. You know you're not a kid anymore when you're proud of your lawn mower. You know you're not a kid anymore when your best friend is dating someone half his age, and isn't breaking any laws. You know you're not a kid anymore when your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You know you're not a kid anymore when you sing along with the elevator music. You know you're not a kid anymore when you would rather go to work than stay home sick. You know you're not a kid anymore when you constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You know you're not a kid anymore when you enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You know you're not a kid anymore when you make an appointment to see the dentist. You know you're not a kid anymore when you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You know you're not a kid anymore when people call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You know you're not a kid anymore when you have a dream about prunes. You know you're not a kid anymore when you answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You know you're not a kid anymore when you send money to PBS. You know you're not a kid anymore when you still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit. You know you're not a kid anymore when the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You know you're not a kid anymore when you take a metal detector to the beach. You know you're not a kid anymore when you wear black socks with sandles. You know you're not a kid anymore when you know what the word "equity" means. You know you're not a kid anymore when you can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. You know you're not a kid anymore when your ears are hairer than your head. You know you're not a kid anymore when you talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn. You know you're not a kid anymore when you get into a heated argument about pension plans. You know you're not a kid anymore when you got cable for the weather channel. You know you're not a kid anymore when you can go bowling without drinking. You know you're not a kid anymore when you have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. --Scott Adams (The Dilbert Principle) Yoda of Borg I am. Futile resistance is. Assimilated you will be. --Frank Cusack If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does. --Eric Hamilton A Mexican girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. --Gustavo Vazquez If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. --Gustavo Vazquez And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with. --Gustavo Vazquez During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. --Gustavo Vazquez One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, what are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early." --Gustavo Vazquez I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. --Gustavo Vazquez I could tell that my parents didn't like me much. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. --Gustavo Vazquez My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. --Gustavo Vazquez My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. --Gustavo Vazquez I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. --Gustavo Vazquez Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they can hide." --Gustavo Vazquez On Halloween, when I answer the door the kids give me candy. --Gustavo Vazquez My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. --Gustavo Vazquez I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. --Gustavo Vazquez I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said. "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." --Gustavo Vazquez When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" --Gustavo Vazquez Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. --bumper sticker A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. --bumper sticker Horn broken, watch for finger. --bumper sticker My kid had sex with your honor student. --bumper sticker I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. --Kevin Meaney Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? "Don't eat pork. God has spoken." Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? --Jon Stewart My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? --Warren Hutcherson I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they're always locking three. --Elayne Boosler When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. --Rita Rudner I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. --Winston Spear I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. --Bruce Baum I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. --Ron Richards I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. --Ellen DeGeneres I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: "I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me." You know. "Help me, put me out." Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit? --Garry Shandling Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. --Jerry Seinfeld I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." --Richard Jeni Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery You know you're from California when the fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You know you're from California when you were born somewhere else. You know you're from California when you know how to eat an artichoke. You know you're from California when the primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. You know you're from California when your car has bulletproof windows. You know you're from California when left is right and right is wrong. You know you're from California when your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. You know you're from California when your mouse has only one ball. You know you're from California when you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. You know you're from California when you dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. You know you're from California when you can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You know you're from California when you drive to your neighborhood block party. You know you're from California when your family tree contains "significant others". You know you're from California when your cat has its own psychiatrist. You know you're from California when you don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You know you're from California when you see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. You know you're from California when more than clothes come out of the closets. You know you're from California when The Dead are best live. You know you're from California when you go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. You know you're from California when your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. You know you're from California when more money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. You know you're from California when smoking in your office is not optional. You know you're from California when you pack shorts and a t-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach. You know you're from California when you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch". You know you're from California when your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. You know you're from California when rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. You know you're from California when you'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman. You know you're from California when you consult your horoscope before planning your day. You know you're from California when a glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. You know you're from California when all highways into the state say: no fruits. A surgeon could do less damage than a bad tech[nician] with a Cisco router. Good-bye corporate secrets. But we pay lawyers $650 an hour... --Jim Griffin, director of technology at Geffen Records Sam: What's going on, Normie? Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver. --"Cheers" Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --seen in a church bulletin The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. --seen in a church bulletin Evening massage - 6 pm. --seen in a church bulletin The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. --seen in a church bulletin The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. --seen in a church bulletin Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door. --seen in a church bulletin Ushers will eat latecomers. --seen in a church bulletin The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. --seen in a church bulletin For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. --seen in a church bulletin The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. --seen in a church bulletin The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." --seen in a church bulletin During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. --seen in a church bulletin Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." --seen in a church bulletin Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. --seen in a church bulletin Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" --seen in a church bulletin The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. --seen in a church bulletin Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. --seen in a church bulletin The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. --seen in a church bulletin The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. --seen in a church bulletin Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. --seen in a church bulletin A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. --seen in a church bulletin Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. --seen in a church bulletin Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding" --seen in a church bulletin On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. --seen in a church bulletin Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. --seen in a church bulletin Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help. --seen in a church bulletin The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. --seen in a church bulletin Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. --seen in a church bulletin Official sign near door: Door alarmed. Hand-printed sign nearby: Window frightened. --hazelcb@polaris.net The natural tendency of the desperate is to resort to logical errors like: "The necessary remedy is too costly, thus it cannot be necessary." --David A. Smith Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety. --Plato (B.C. 427?-347?) The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise to the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew. --Abraham Lincoln If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. --Deep Thought #13, by Jack Handy The Millennium Falcon did something nasty on my windshield. --title of a magazine advertisement When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight: 1-800-MARINES Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Idiots are Universal. --Esther Muller Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. --Cheers Politics are now nothing more than a means of rising in the world. --Samuel Johnson The problems of victory [in war] are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult. --Winston Churchill, 1942 Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland. --Morgan Sarges It's one thing to challenge conventional wisdom, but it's quite another to line conventional wisdom up against the wall and pump it full of lead. --Paul Phillips Linux: generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free. To be considered half as good as Microsoft, Linux has to work twice as fast. Fortunately, this is easy. If the box says Windows 95 or better, it should run under Linux, right? Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware Linux users never complain about Microsoft. They don't need to! Linux -- no more forced obsolescence! The feature you'd like to have is probably already installed on your Linux system. An NT server can be run by an idiot, and usually is. Computers are like air conditioners - they stop working properly if you open Windows. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer. If the answer is WinNT, you're asking the wrong question. In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable. Then how come people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished? Hiroshima '45 -- Czernobyl '86 -- Windows '95 "Lotto: A tax on people who are bad at math." --unknown "Windows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates." --WE7U Better dead than Redmond. The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. --Travis McGee The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories. --Sam Donaldson, referring to Bubba If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote. --Newt Gingrich What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. --Kenneth Starr The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. --Monica Lewinsky Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? --Marv Albert The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. --OJ Simpson If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done. --Vernon Jordan If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker. --Saddam Hussein Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. --George Stephanopoulos In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper. --Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. --Robert Wilensky, University of California Courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the face of great odds. Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. --Bill Benedetto Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be left out alone. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" A man who can dress himself without looking like Pee Wee Herman is unquestionably gay. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. --"Women's Compact Instruction Book" Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Leonardo DaVinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. --Roshan Shah Eight out of every five people are math illiterates. --Anon. One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is, if they do foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. --Joe Martin "Troops" is filmed on location with the men of the Imperial Forces. All suspects are guilty--period. Otherwise, they wouldn't be suspect, would they? --Kevin Rubio's "Troops" The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government. --Thomas Jefferson I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. --Alice Roosevelt Longworth I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving. --bumper sticker Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. --bumper sticker Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. --bumper sticker Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? --bumper sticker Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. --bumper sticker Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. --bumper sticker People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. --bumper sticker I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. --bumper sticker Indecision is the key to flexibility. --bumper sticker Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. --bumper sticker It hurts to be on the cutting edge. --bumper sticker If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. --bumper sticker I don't get even, I get odder. --bumper sticker In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. --bumper sticker I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. --bumper sticker I am an escapee from a political correction facility. --bumper sticker I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. --bumper sticker Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. --bumper sticker I am a nutritional overachiever. --bumper sticker I believe in youthenasia. --bumper sticker My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. --bumper sticker I am having an out of money experience. --bumper sticker I plan on living forever. So far, so good. --bumper sticker I am in shape. Round is a shape. --bumper sticker Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. --bumper sticker Practice safe eating - always use condiments. --bumper sticker A day without sunshine is like night. --bumper sticker If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. --bumper sticker If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor. --bumper sticker I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. --bumper sticker Who lit the fuse on your tampon? --bumper sticker Support Cannibalism. EAT ME! --bumper sticker God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. --bumper sticker I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. --bumper sticker I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. --bumper sticker Keep honking while I reload. --bumper sticker Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either. --bumper sticker Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? --bumper sticker 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. --bumper sticker EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. --bumper sticker Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. --bumper sticker If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. --bumper sticker If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. --bumper sticker Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. --bumper sticker Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. --bumper sticker Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers. --bumper sticker My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that. --bumper sticker Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! --bumper sticker Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. --bumper sticker If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy. --bumper sticker Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! --bumper sticker Having come out of the Catholic seminary, I can say with conviction that the Catholic Church is evil. --LeVar Burton I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions? --bumper sticker A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call. --actual comment received by Forest Service Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. --actual comment received by Forest Service Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness. --actual comment received by Forest Service Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands. --actual comment received by Forest Service Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals. --actual comment received by Forest Service All the mile markers are missing this year. --actual comment received by Forest Service Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse. --actual comment received by Forest Service Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. --actual comment received by Forest Service Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. --actual comment received by Forest Service Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter. --actual comment received by Forest Service Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. --actual comment received by Forest Service The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. --actual comment received by Forest Service Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. --actual comment received by Forest Service Need more signs to keep area pristine. --actual comment received by Forest Service A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead. --actual comment received by Forest Service The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. --actual comment received by Forest Service Too many rocks in the mountains. --actual comment received by Forest Service We are going to cut off [Netscape's] air supply. Everything they're selling, we're going to give away for free. --Bill Gates, June 1996 Man finds nothing so intolerable as to be in a state of complete rest, without passions, without occupation, without diversion, without effort. Then he feels his nullity, loneliness, inadequacy, dependence, helplessness, emptiness. --Blaise Pascal, Pensees 1670 You know you're addicted to the Internet when Tech Support calls you for help. You know you're addicted to the Internet when someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out." You know you're addicted to the Internet when you want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away. For just a little while. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen name similar to yours. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of being online all night. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other from across the room. You know you're addicted to the Internet when your dog leaves you. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie, including the Best Boy, Dolly Grip and Production Accountant. You know you're addicted to the Internet when people say, "If it weren't for the super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have classified as a vegetable long ago." You know you're addicted to the Internet when you double-click your TV remote. You know you're addicted to the Internet when you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws Of Life. And they don't do the trick. You know you're addicted to the Internet when your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience. You know you're addicted to the Internet when while cooking dinner, you "just wanted to check your mail," and while you were there you "just wanted to see who was on." The resulting fire caused $12,000 in damage. The future of "I give" is "I take." --paper by US grade school student The parts of speech are lungs and air. --paper by US grade school student The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. --paper by US grade school student A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. --paper by US grade school student Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. --paper by US grade school student (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. --paper by US grade school student A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. --paper by US grade school student The general direction of the Alps is straight up. --paper by US grade school student A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. --paper by US grade school student Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. --paper by US grade school student The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. --paper by US grade school student The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. --paper by US grade school student We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. --paper by US grade school student One of the main causes of dust is janitors. --paper by US grade school student A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. --paper by US grade school student One by-product of raising cattle is calves. --paper by US grade school student To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. --paper by US grade school student The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. --paper by US grade school student The climate is hottest next to the Creator. --paper by US grade school student Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. --paper by US grade school student The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. --paper by US grade school student Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. --paper by US grade school student The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. --paper by US grade school student In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. --paper by US grade school student Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. --paper by US grade school student In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. --paper by US grade school student A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. --paper by US grade school student Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. --from actual employee performance evaluation His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. --from actual employee performance evaluation I would not allow this employee to breed. --from actual employee performance evaluation This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be. --from actual employee performance evaluation Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. --from actual employee performance evaluation When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. --from actual employee performance evaluation He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. --from actual employee performance evaluation This young lady has delusions of adequacy. --from actual employee performance evaluation He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. --from actual employee performance evaluation This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. --from actual employee performance evaluation This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. --from actual employee performance evaluation ISDN: It Still Does Nothing --computer acronyms USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #1: "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #2: "Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #3: "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #4: "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #5: "Excuse me. Isn't "stick up" hyphenated?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #6: "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #7: "I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #8: "Bad cop! No donut!" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #9: "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #10: "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence..." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #11: "Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #12: "Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #13: "Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #14: "I pay your salary!" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #15: "So, uh, you on the take, or what?" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #16: "Gee, Officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!" USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #17: "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #18: "I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around; that's how far ahead of me they are." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #19: "What do you mean, 'Have I been drinking?' You're the trained specialist." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #20: "Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #21: "Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum." USELESS PHRASES WHEN SPEAKING TO A COP #22: "Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?" "One World, One Web, One Program" --Microsoft Promotional Ad "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" --Adolf Hitler It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. --Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927), British author "Woman Rents House but Complains about Corpse" --Reuters headline "Women drawn to men with muscles" --Reuters headline "Bride attacks groom with stiletto shoe" --Reuters headline "Dinner guest finds host's wife, son in freezer" --Reuters headline, 2007 "Gators to face Seminoles with Peters out" --headline, The Tallahassee Bugle "Messiah climaxes in chorus of Hallelujahs" --headline, The Anchorage Alaska Times Governor's Penis Busy [should be "pen is"] --headline, The New Haven Connecticut Register "Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer now has a son" --headline, The Arkansas Plainsman "Clinton places Dickey in Gore's hands" --headline, Bangor Maine News "Starr aghast at First Lady sex position" --headline, The Washington Times "Clinton stiff on withdrawal" --headline, The Bosnia Bugle "Long Island stiffens for Lili's blow" --headline, Newsday "Organ festival ends in smashing climax" --headline, San Antonio Rose "Petroleum jelly keeps idle tools rust-free" --headline, Chicago Daily News "Textron Inc. makes offer to Screw Company stockholders" --headline, The Miami Herald "Married priests in Catholic Church a long time coming" --headline, The New Haven Connecticut Register "Governor Chiles offers rare opportunity to goose hunters" --headline, The Tallahassee Democrat "Would she climb to the top of Mr. Everest again? Absolutely!" --headline, The Houston Chronicle Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you. --Carl Jung I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in schools so I could converse with those people. --former VP J. Danforth Quayle Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. --former VP Dan Quayle The war isn't the war between the blacks and the whites, the liberals and the conservatives, or the Federation and the Romulans. It's between the clueful and the clueless. --anonymous poster on Cypherpunks list Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures". I think most Americans just wish it would go away but also it is very hard to know what the truth is because some journalists don't always print the truth and so I really don't know what to believe. --Cindy Crawford, on a South American promotional tour, when asked about President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky How to Get Along With Coworkers #1: Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. How to Get Along With Coworkers #2: Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.) How to Get Along With Coworkers #3: Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names; "That's a good point, Sparky" and "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha." How to Get Along With Coworkers #4: Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you are doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." How to Get Along With Coworkers #5: Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people you have not lost them as often since you did this. How to Get Along With Coworkers #6: While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid and call everyone Madge. How to Get Along With Coworkers #7: Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout, slap yourself randomly the whole way. How to Get Along With Coworkers #8: Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that. How to Get Along With Coworkers #9: Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone is withdrawn from caffeine addition, switch to espresso. How to Get Along With Coworkers #10: Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN." The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer ...Making false and misleading public statements for the purpose of deceiving the people of the United States... --part of the bill of particulars against Richard Nixon If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #10 The economy's great, let the white boy skate. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #9 If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #8 If she's not spread eagle, than it's not illegal. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #7 Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #6 So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #5 He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #4 Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #3 Bill's not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #2 If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral. --"US v. Clinton" closing argument by Johnny Cochrane #1 God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. --unknown No question that an admission of making false statements to government officials and interfering with the FBI ... is an impeachable offense. --Bill Clinton, 8 August 1974, "Arkansas Gazette" Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term; the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign. --William Jefferson Clinton, 1974 Illiterate? Write today for free help. --seen in the want ads Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. --seen in the want ads Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. --seen in the want ads Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. --seen in the want ads Stock up and save. Limit: one. --seen in the want ads Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. --seen in the want ads 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. --seen in the want ads Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. --seen in the want ads Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. --seen in the want ads Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 --seen in the want ads For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. --seen in the want ads The conveniences and comforts of humanity in general will be linked up by one mechanism, which will produce comforts and conveniences beyond human imagination. But the smallest mistake will bring the whole mechanism to a certain collapse. In this way the end of the world will be brought about. Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan, 1922 (Sufi Prophet) PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating. INSTRUCTIONS ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: keep out of children. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON THE MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA (circa 1966): "Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button." PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME: Serving suggestion: Defrost. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal? PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping. PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. (Details inside.) Sign at a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container" Sign in a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager" Sign on the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" Sign on a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot" Sign in a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday" Sign in a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed" Sign in a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy" Sign in the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home" Sign in a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" Sign on a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church" Sign on a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." Sign at a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel" Sign on a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs" Sign in the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." Sign in a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan" Sign in a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks" Sign in a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" Sign on a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Sign outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques" Sign in the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends" Sign on a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak" Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves" Sign on a roller coaster: "Watch your head" Sign on the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission" Sign on a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." Sign in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car" Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. --Bryan Albright I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. --Dilbert Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. --Dilbert There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. --Dilbert Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. --Dilbert Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. --Dilbert Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. --Dilbert I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. --Dilbert I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. --Dilbert You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. --Dilbert Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. --Dilbert In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. --Mark Twain Most Over-Educated for Job of Movie Star: "X-File"-er David Duchovny. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Inexcusably In Our Face: "The Nanny" Fran Drescher. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Obnoxiously Proselytizing Scientologist in Show Biz: "Dharma" of "Dharma & Greg," Jenna Elfman. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Likely to Drop Off the Face of the Earth Once "Friends" is Canceled: Matthew Perry, aka Chandler Bing. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Likely to Be at the Opening of An Envelope: Ellen Degeneres & Anne Heche. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Perfect Example of How Irritating Hipness Can Be: "Ally McBeal" barrister Calista Flockhart. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Dreaded Publicity Client: Former "Charlie's Angel" Farrah Fawcett. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Likely to Play Monica Lewinsky in a TV Movie: Former "90210" and current "Charmed" star Shannen Doherty. --Movieline, November 1998 Most Likely to Have Demonstrated Her Entire Range Already: "Party of Five" ingenue Neve Campbell. --Movieline, November 1998 If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?' --Representative Dick Armey, when asked if he would resign were he in the President's place Remember, when you're having a horrible day and everyone's just gettin' you down, it takes 43 muscles to frown, but it only takes FOUR to pull the trigger on a halfway decent sniper rifle. --Kevin Cannon Seen in a newspaper: Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Seen in an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. Windows NT: Micro$oft's Ode To P.T. Barnum --Robert Harris Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? --Dilbert Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. --unknown Why is it when driving and looking for an address, we turn down the radio? Why do people remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they have to prove an alibi? Does condensed milk comes from smaller cows? Why does an alarm clock go off, by going on? If vampires can't see their reflection, why is their hair always so neat? Why is cheese so secret that we must shred it? When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings? Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms? Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase? If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism? Can fat people go Skinny Dipping? How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign? Is it possible to have a civil war? Why do they call it a TV Set, when there is only one? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If you choked a Smurf, what color would it turn? Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims? Is animal shampoo tested on humans? Why don't they call mustaches Mouthbrows? Could it be that Boulders are statues of famous rocks? Can they put more clowns than people in a Taxi? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? Do fish get thirsty? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, would that be considered a hostage situation? Why is abbreviation such a long word? How would you throw away a garbage can? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Do bleach blondes pretend to have more fun? Why is it when you transport something by car its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo? Why isn't the word phonetic spelt like it sounds? Why is it a pair of pants, but only one shirt? Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog? Why is the word dyslexia so hard to read? Do elves really wear those shoes with the curling tips? Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines? Why don't they just make food stamps edible? Would they invent fireproof matches? Should mutes be yelled at for talking with their hands full? Would they invent a solar powered flashlight? Do you think it should be illegal to yell "theater" in a crowded fire? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting OUT of the water? Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? Why do women have a pair of underwear, but just one bra? What keeps glue from sticking to the inside of the bottle? If a duck goes in the water right after he eats, does he get cramps? My childhood was a period of waiting for the moment I could send everyone connected to it to hell. --Igor Stravinsky "This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant." And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." --from a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #1: I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay? EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #2: I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #3: I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #4: Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #5: I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #6: The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #7: The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #8: My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #9: I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. EXCUSE FOR GETTING TO WORK LATE #10: I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. --Deep Thought #49, by Jack Handy Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. --seen in a church bulletin The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belier, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Blesser. --seen in a church bulletin This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. --seen in a church bulletin Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. --seen in a church bulletin This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. --seen in a church bulletin The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. --seen in a church bulletin A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. --seen in a church bulletin At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. --seen in a church bulletin Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. --seen in a church bulletin The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. --seen in a church bulletin The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. --seen in a church bulletin The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!!" --seen in a church bulletin If you wouldn't take out a one-page ad in the Wall Street Journal to say something, then don't say it by email. --Brad Knowles If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. --anonymous Mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states. --Steven Wright I told them if they wanted me to take care of the mail they would have to let me use qmail (and drop the NT server from a very high precipice onto a seething mass of Microsoft Certified Professionals). --Jason van Zyl Boss - "My boss says we need some eunuch programmers." Dilbert - "I think he means UNIX." Boss - "Well, if the company nurse comes by, tell her I said never mind." I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. --Woody Allen If C gives you enough rope to hang yourself, then C++ gives you enough rope to bind and gag your neighborhood, rig the sails on a small ship, and still have enough rope to hang yourself from the yardarm. --anonymous Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. --D. Israel If at first you don't succeed, nuclear warhead disarmament should *not* be your first career choice. --Roger "Merch" Merchberger "I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic message." "That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0" --unknown I've taught years of middle school, and all my students ever got out of personal Internet access - with very few exceptions - was pornography, someone else's term paper, and a teen chat room full of 50-year-old men posing as "Sally". --from a letter in the February 1999 issue of "Wired" about access to the Internet equalling better education Humans are quick and easy pattern-matchers. It's unfortunate when we're wrong, but sometimes life-saving when we're right. That's why everyone is subject to prejudice and being prejudiced -- because all the descendants of humans who weren't don't exist. --Russ Nelson Windows has detected that a gnat has farted near your computer. Press any key to reboot. --unknown 10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 3. "From Perjury To Albany" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas" --Letterman's Top Ten "Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans", 2/5/1999 HONK! if you had SEX with the President --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Clinton: We forgive you, Now Resign! --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Al Gore: One Heart-throb from the Presidency --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Adultery is not a "Family Value" --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Does Character matter YET? --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area One More Whore And We Get Gore! --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Bill Clinton: "Commander in Heat" --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area JAIL to the CHIEF --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Today, Your kids no longer play Doctor, they play President --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area The Clinton Creed: Take Credit, Not Responsibility --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area If his private life doesn't matter, let him date YOUR daughter --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Three (3) Terms for Clinton: The 3rd one in JAIL --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Clinton: Our Nation's "Fondling Father" --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area Save the President: Legalize Perjury --Clinton-era bumper sticker reportedly seen around the DC area I admit I find it hard to focus lots of resources on trials and things when the Internet is taking away our power every day. --Bill Gates, internal email, April 1995 Recreational Use of Viagra Dangerous --UPI headline Spoken by a programmer: "I've finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn't exactly one of our classic strengths." I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. --Carl Shipley The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuums. --Mark Drummond If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #10: "Guns Is Funz" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #9: "The Cat in the Adults-Only Chat Room" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #8: "No, That Isn't A Wocket In My Pocket, But Keep Guessing Honey" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #7: "Thidwick The Big-Hearted Moose Is Shot By Charlton Heston" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #6: "Horton Hires A Hooker" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #5: "Watch Out, Steve, I'm Gonna Heave" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #4: "The Bigger The Cushion The Sweeter The Pushin'" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #3: "If I Have To Write One More Rhyme I'm Gonna Whack Somebody" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #2: "Oh, The Places You Would Have Gone If Only You'd Finished High School, Dumbass" Letterman's Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics #1: "101 Ways To Cook Lorax" If guns cause crime, pencils cause misspelled words. --Mike Hall Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Advice given by kids (Patrick, age 10) When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. --Advice given by kids (Matthew, age 12) Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. --Advice given by kids (Andrew, age 9) Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. --Advice given by kids (Rocky, age 9) Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. --Advice given by kids (Stephanie, age 8) I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. --Advice given by kids Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. --Advice given by kids (Rosemary, age 7) Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. --Advice given by kids (Lamar, age 10) Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. --Advice given by kids (Carrol, age 9) Never bug a pregnant mom. --Advice given by kids (Nicholas, age 11) Don't ever be too full for dessert. --Advice given by kids (Kelly, age 10) When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. --Advice given by kids (Heather, age 16) Never tell your mom her diet's not working. --Advice given by kids (Michael, age 14) Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. --Advice given by kids (Joel, age 12) When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. --Advice given by kids (Alyesha, age 13) Never try to baptize a cat. --Advice given by kids (Laura, age 13) Never spit when on a roller coaster. --Advice given by kids (Scott, age 11) Never do pranks at a police station. --Advice given by kids (Sam, age 10) Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. --Advice given by kids (Rob, age 10) Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. --Advice given by kids (Hank, age 12) Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. --Advice given by kids (Molly, age 11) Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. --Advice given by kids (Chelsey, age 7) Stay away from prunes. --Advice given by kids (Randy, age 9) Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. --Advice given by kids (Phillip, age 13) Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #10 New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #8 Can eat as much he as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #7 He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #6 The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat ass back to Arkansas. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #2 Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns. --Letterman's "10 Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World" #1 Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. --Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" --Larry Miller If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" --Delta Burke You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" --Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. --Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? --Jay Leno My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. --Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." --Elayne Boosler Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. --Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. --Tim Allen AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of using, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." --Jay Leno You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. --Joan Rivers A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! --Jay Leno Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code. He turned himself in. --Rita Rudner If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. --Bill Cosby When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. --Steven Wright After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." --Gary Shandling Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. --Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Foxworthy If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell-check. --Former VP Dan Quayle "Landlord Sentenced to Die for Eating Tenant" --Reuters headline You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. --Matthew Harrell Include Your Children when Baking Cookies --actual news headline, 1997 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says --actual news headline, 1997 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers --actual news headline, 1997 Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted --actual news headline, 1997 Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case --actual news headline, 1997 Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents --actual news headline, 1997 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms --actual news headline, 1997 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope --actual news headline, 1997 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over --actual news headline, 1997 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands --actual news headline, 1997 Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms --actual news headline, 1997 Eye Drops Off Shelf --actual news headline, 1997 Teachers Strike Idle Kids --actual news headline, 1997 Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead --actual news headline, 1997 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax --actual news headline, 1997 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told --actual news headline, 1997 Miners Refuse to Work after Death --actual news headline, 1997 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant --actual news headline, 1997 Stolen Painting Found by Tree --actual news headline, 1997 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter --actual news headline, 1997 Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years --actual news headline, 1997 Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One --actual news headline, 1997 War Dims Hope for Peace --actual news headline, 1997 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While --actual news headline, 1997 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --actual news headline, 1997 Deer Kill 17,000 --actual news headline, 1997 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide --actual news headline, 1997 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges --actual news headline, 1997 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead --actual news headline, 1997 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge --actual news headline, 1997 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group --actual news headline, 1997 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft --actual news headline, 1997 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks --actual news headline, 1997 Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy --actual news headline, 1997 Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire --actual news headline, 1997 Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood --actual news headline, 1997 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half --actual news headline, 1997 New Vaccine May Contain Rabies --actual news headline, 1997 Hospitals sued by 7 Foot Doctors --actual news headline, 1997 At a risk of being called sexist, ageist and French, if you put multimedia, a leather skirt and lipstick on a grandmother and take her to a nightclub, she's still not going to get lucky. --Jean Louis Gassee, chairman of Be, responding to Microsoft's newly-announced plans to retool Win 98 instead of just abandoning it when Win 2000 comes out. Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. --unknown Writing a new OS only for the 386 in 1991 gets you your second 'F' for this term. --Professor Andrew S. Tanenbaum (also the author of Minix) on Linus' release of the first OS to require the i386's MMU (memory management unit). Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. --Markus Stumpf The whole of the Bill [of Rights] is a declaration of the right of the people at large or considered as individuals... It establishes some rights of the individual as unalienable and which consequently, no majority has a right to deprive them of. --Albert Gallatin, Oct 7 1789 I don't like the idea that the police department seems bent on keeping a pool of unarmed victims available for the predations of the criminal class. --David Mohler, 1989, on being denied a carry permit in NYC Efficiency can magnify good, but it magnifies evil just as well. So, we should not be surprised to find that modern electronic communication magnifies stupidity as *efficiently* as it magnifies intelligence. --Robert A. Matern So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. --Bertrand Russell There is no worse tyranny than to make a man pay for something he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him. --Benjamin Franklin Honk if you love peace and quiet. --bumper sticker The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. --unknown I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. --bumper sticker If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? --unknown My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. --unknown Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. --unknown You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. --bumper sticker Two wrongs are only the beginning. --unknown If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. --unknown As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family. --Homer Simpson, "There's No Disgrace Like Home" It says it's for dogs, but she can't read. --Homer Simpson, "Simpson's Roasting on an Open Fire" Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star. Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods. --Homer Simpson, "The Call of the Simpsons" Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero... Cruddy... Crummy... Krusty the Clown! --Homer Simpson, "Krusty Gets Busted" Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have very little in common. --Homer Simpson, "The Last Temptation of Homer" Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love. --Homer Simpson, "Lisa on Ice" I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu. --Homer Simpson, "King-Size Homer" Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them. --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror VII" Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. --Homer Simpson, "Lisa the Vegetarian" You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something. --Homer Simpson, "There's No Disgrace Like Home" Lisa: So gambling makes a good thing even better? Homer: That's right. My God, it's like there's some kind of bond between us. --Homer Simpson, "Lisa the Greek" You're everywhere. You're omnivorous. --Homer Simpson, to God "There's No Disgrace Like Home" I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars? --Homer Simpson, on Heaven "The Telltale Head" You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Night Out" Kirk: One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink. Homer: Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me. --Homer Simpson, "A Milhouse Divided" See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice. --Homer Simpson, "The Crepes of Wrath" The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, "the gruesome twosome" --Homer Simpson, "Krusty Gets Busted" I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? --Homer Simpson, "Homer the Heretic" Mmm...incapacitating. --Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Connection" Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Goes to College" Listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons! --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror" I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing! --Homer Simpson, "New Kid on the Block" You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick! --Homer Simpson, "Dead Putting Society" Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose. --Homer Simpson, "Dead Putting Society" As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle. --Homer Simpson, "Dancin' Homer" Homer: What?! Flanders! You're the Devil? Devil Flanders: Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect. --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror IV" D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's smoke. --Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class, "The Way We Was" They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy. --Homer Simpson, "Colonel Homer" I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here." --Homer Simpson, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish" Always remember that you're representing our country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room. --Homer Simpson, "The Crepes of Wrath" Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound. Homer: It's my metaba-ma-lism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. --Homer Simpson, "The Way We Was" Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of makebelieve. With flowers and bells and leprechauns. And magic frogs with funny little hats... --Homer Simpson, "Blood Feud" Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smellist ape of them all! --Homer Simpson, "Lisa's Substitute" Holy Moly! The bastard's rich! --Homer Simpson, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right. --Homer Simpson, "Another Simpson's Clip Show" First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk -- probably -- now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it! --Homer Simpson, "Two Bad Neighbors" If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise! --Homer Simpson, "Flaming Moe's" Keep brain from freezing. --Homer Simpson, "Simpson and Delilah" Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funky Town" --Homer Simpson, "Colonel Homer" Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? Homer: Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty dollars here. --Homer Simpson, "There's No Disgrace Like Home" Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him. Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner! --Homer Simpson, "Bart the Daredevil" I thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil? --Homer Simpson, "Mr. Plow" I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk; end of story. --Homer Simpson, "When Flanders Failed" Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Defined" Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. --Homer Simpson, "Like Father Like Clown" I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it? --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror II" Homer: No TV and No Beer Make Homer ... something something. Marge: Go crazy? Homer: Don't mind if I do! --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror V" It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the eighties. Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp. It was an exciting time to be young. --Homer Simpson, "I Married Marge" Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life. --Homer Simpson, "Burns, Baby Burns" Homer: I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. Bart: We've seen it, Dad. --Homer Simpson, "Homer at the Bat" Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself. --Homer Simpson, "Dancin' Homer" Herb: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year! Homer: And I want to let you! --Homer Simpson, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Homer: There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell. Bart: Who's in there? Homer: Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog. And that dog Nixon had, um, Chester ... Lisa: Checkers. Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one -- the one that mauled Jimmy. --Homer Simpson, "Dog of Death" Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville! --Homer Simpson, "Homer Loves Flanders" The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me. --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror III" Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Homer: (gasps) Who told you? --Homer Simpson, "Simpson and Delilah" Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet" Kirk: What makes you guys so special? Homer: Because Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine. --Homer Simpson, "A Milhouse Divided" Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it? --Homer Simpson, "I Love Lisa" Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world. --Homer Simpson, "El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer" Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better? Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you? --Homer Simpson, "The Telltale Head" I'll get a bunck of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh! --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Great" Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. --Homer Simpson, "Boy-Scoutz In The Hood" Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away. Bart and Lisa: Noooooo! Homer: Mainly your mother. --Homer Simpson, "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds" Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday, and -- Homer: The Springfield River! --Homer Simpson, "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily" It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Goes To College" We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you? --Homer Simpson, "Marge Be Not Proud" Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? --Homer Simpson, "Marge Be Not Proud" Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless. --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Vigilante" Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win. Flanders: Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt. --Homer Simpson, "Dead Putting Society" Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk! --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Vigilante" Hey! Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy, and you be what's-his-face. --Homer Simpson, "Homer vs. Patty and Selma" Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night. --Homer Simpson, "Bart the Fink" Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere? --Homer Simpson, "Homer the Heretic" And anyone can be tooted? --Homer Simpson, on tutoring "The Way We Was" Flanders: Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends. Homer: To Ned Flanders, the richest left-handed man in town. --Homer Simpson, "When Flanders Failed" There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service. But those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer. --Homer Simpson, "Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?" Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders! Homer: He was a zombie? --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror III" If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead. --Homer Simpson, "Homer and Apu" See you in hell, candy boys!! --Homer Simpson, "Homer Badman" All right. His story checks out. --Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia under "Bush, George", in "Two Bad Neighbors" I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV! This one's for real! --Homer Simpson, "A Milhouse Divided" Hmmm, look at those eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way. --Homer Simpson, "Mountain of Madness" Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine, and I'm feeling fine! --Homer Simpson, "Brush With Greatness" I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that. --Homer Simpson, "Brother From The Same Planet" Well, if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons! --Homer Simpson, "Boy-Scoutz N The Hood" And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. --Homer Simpson, "Bart Vs. Thanksgiving" Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman -- and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. --Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Connection" Hello? Yes? Oh! Heh, heh, uh ... if you're looking for that big donut of yours ... um, Flanders has it. Just smash open his house. (Closing the door.) He came to life. Good for him. --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse Of Horror VI" He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it. -- Moe Syzlak, "Flaming Moe's" Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag! --Homer Simpson, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious" Abe: I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm "with" isn't "it" and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you. Homer: No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! --Homer Simpson, "Homerpalooza" Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face -- I got more chicken bone! --Homer Simpson, "When Flanders Failed" Must destroy mankind! (His watch alarm goes off) Ooh, lunchtime! --Homer Simpson, "Homer Goes To College" Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own. --Homer Simpson, "Another Simpsons Clip Show" Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. --Homer Simpson, "A Milhouse Divided" Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. Heh heh heh, the perfect crime. --Homer Simpson, "The War Of The Simpsons" Pfft. Now you tell me. --Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear plant can make one sterile, "I Married Marge" I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy. --Homer Simpson, "Lisa's Pony" Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle. 'Member that? --Homer Simpson, "Whacking Day" Come here, you little raven! --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse Of Horror" Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial. --Homer Simpson, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious" Homer: The secret ingredient is -- Moe: Homer, no! Homer: Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup! --Homer Simpson, "Flaming Moe's" Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me! --Homer Simpson, "Itchy & Scratchy Land" I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb. --Homer Simpson, "Bart The Genius" It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this. --Homer Simpson, "Bart The Genius" Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Odyssey" That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it! --Homer Simpson, "Scenes From The Class Struggle In Springfield" Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. Pump Jockey: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Triple Bypass" Rock 'n' Roll had become stagnant. "Achy Breaky Heart" was seven years away. Something had to fill the void, and that something was barbershop. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet" Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em! --Homer Simpson, "Boy-Scoutz N The Hood" Kent: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing? Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes. --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Vigilante" Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, polital strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all of those things go away, we'll have sex. --Homer Simpson, "Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy" It works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi ... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power! --Homer Simpson, "Two Bad Neighbors" Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie "Tron"? --Homer Simpson, "Treehouse Of Horror VI" I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Smithers" You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Defined" When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV! --Homer Simpson, "There's No Disgrace Like Home" Homer: This place is depressing. Grampa: Hey! I live here. Homer: Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it. --Homer Simpson, "Bart Vs. Thanksgiving" Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. Homer: Well, thank you, honey. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Vs. Lisa And The 8th Commandment" Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine. Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma! --Homer Simpson, "Principal Charming" Burns: Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson. --Homer Simpson, "Homer The Smithers" Bart: Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford. Homer: You can call them Whitey-whackers! --Homer Simpson, "The Twisted World Of Marge Simpson" Oh, "no attitude," eh? Not "in your face," huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly! --Homer Simpson, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community. --Homer Simpson, "There's No Disgrace Like Home" Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things so tasty? --Homer Simpson, "Brush With Greatness" And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country. --Homer Simpson, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. --Homer Simpson, "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse. Homer: That four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like that. Lisa: How Zen. --Homer Simpson, "Homer Defined" Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy? --Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files" Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love they neighbor -- Homer: Shut up, Flanders. Flanders: Okely-dokely-do. --Homer Simpson, "Hurricane Neddy" Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie "Spaceballs". But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie "Police Academy". --Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Connection" Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. --Homer Simpson, "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily" That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove! --Homer Simpson, "Homerpalooza" Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during the designated break periods. Sincerely, Homer Simpson. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Enemy" A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. --Homer Simpson, "Lisa The Breek" Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something? Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Night Out" Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddys, and kids with fake IDs. --Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files" Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week? Homer: Marge, I'm only human. --Homer Simpson, "Principal Charming" Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. --Homer Simpson, "Flaming Moe's" I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy. --Homer Simpson, "Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerke" Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine? --Homer Simpson, "Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?" Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart. --Homer Simpson, "Cape Feare" It all happened during the magical summer of 1985. A maturing Joe Piscopo left "Saturday Night Live" to conquer Hollywood; People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel; and I was in a barbershop quartet. --Homer Simpson, "Homer's Barbershop Quartet" Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying. Homer: My name is Homer Simpson! Burns: You're just babbling incoherently... Homer: Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns! --Homer Simpson, "Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 1)" Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A sand wedge! Homer: Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich. --Homer Simpson, "Scenes From The Class Struggle In Springfield" Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer: I have misplaced my pants. --Homer Simpson, "Bart After Dark" Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what? --Homer Simpson, "Bart Vs. Thanksgiving" Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. --Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands" Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power". That thing is really, really, really... good. --Homer Simpson, "Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington" One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone. --Homer Simpson, "Bart The Genius" The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. --Homer Simpson, "Bart The General" Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa? Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die. Homer: Ooh, that's some ball. --Homer Simpson, "The Telltale Head" Marge: Name one of your child's friends. Homer: Uh, let's see, Bart's friends ... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing; uh, the little wiener whose always got his hands in his pockets. --Homer Simpson, "Saturdays Of Thunder" Smithers: Next. There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do? Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? We're all going to die!! --Homer Simpson, "I Married Marge" Camping alone outside the theater. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #10 My force is no longer with me. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #9 The Death Star is not yet operational. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #8 The Empire's striking out. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #7 Shaking hands with the wookie. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #6 Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #5 Oiling the droid. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #4 Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #3 Spending the night with Han Solo. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #2 Tractor beam not powerful enough. --Letterman's "Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend" #1 If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. --Sir Humphrey Appleby You know you're trailer trash when the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You know you're trailer trash when you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You know you're trailer trash when you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You know you're trailer trash when you think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. You know you're trailer trash when Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People". You know you're trailer trash when you think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You know you're trailer trash when you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You know you're trailer trash when anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this". You know you're trailer trash when you've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You know you're trailer trash when you think that Dom Perignon is Mafia leader. You know you're trailer trash when your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You know you're trailer trash when you go to your family reunion looking for a date. You know you're trailer trash when your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You know you're trailer trash when you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." You know you're trailer trash when you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You know you're trailer trash when you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. You know you're trailer trash when the bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You know you're trailer trash when you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. You know you're trailer trash when one of your kids was born on a pool table. You know you're trailer trash when your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade. You know you're trailer trash when you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You know you're trailer trash when you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. You know you're trailer trash when you can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You know you're trailer trash when you dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You know you're trailer trash when you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You know you're trailer trash when your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." You know you're trailer trash when your toilet paper has page numbers on it. "We're rudderless, directionless and in some cases, clueless." --Ken Johnson, aide to Rep Billy Tauzin (R-La), discussing GOP leadership, http://www.usatoday.com/news/e98/e155.htm Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? --Thomas Jefferson, in his 1801 inaugural address Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. --tomas@primenet.com No more lengthy pauses while reciting alphabet. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #10 Claims he knew all along "Blair Witch" was fake. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #9 Begins every speech by naming all 27 states. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #8 Walks around with shoes untied just so he can show off and tie them for photographers. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #7 Completing crossword puzzle on his Chuck E. Cheese place mat. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #6 Defeated a Mr. Coffee Machine in a chess match. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #5 Instead of saying, "I don't know," now answering, "That information is currently missing from my cranium." --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #4 Challenges reporters to give him two single-digit numbers to add. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #3 While all those other idiots campaign in Iowa, Dan's got Canada all to himself. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #2 He's not voting for himself. --Letterman's "Top 10 Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart" #1 You don't make decisions because they are easy; you don't make them because they are cheap; you don't make them because they are popular; you make them because they are right. --Theodore Hesburgh, former president of Notre Dame Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. --S. Toms Both ogliarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of arms. --Aristotle Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair --seen on T-shirt Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam --seen on Cape Cod T-shirt Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton --seen on T-shirt Procrastinate Now --seen on T-shirt Rehab Is for Quitters --seen on T-shirt My Dog Can Lick Anyone --seen on T-shirt West Virginia: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names --seen on T-shirt DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music --seen on T-shirt MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose --seen on T-shirt They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken --seen on T-shirt He who dies with the most toys is still dead --seen on T-shirt FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. --seen on T-shirt WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. --seen on T-shirt Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake! --seen on T-shirt NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. --seen on T-shirt If you can read this, the bitch fell off again --seen on the back of a T-shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front I'd rather see a sister in a whorehouse than a brother riding a Honda --seen on the back of a T-shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front Sending junk email to my address constitutes your legally-binding acceptance of my offer to remove both of your nipples with an orbital sander. --spam warning seen in Andy Ihnatko's signature My motorcycle stands forlorn on Hurlbut Street. The b*stard won't start. --Harley haiku God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends --seen on T-shirt (worn by a pregnant woman) A man did this to me, Oprah --seen on T-shirt Princess, having had sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog --seen on T-shirt No, it doesn't hurt --T-shirt on a "well-tattooed gentleman" Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. --seen on T-shirt (on the front) Yale is just one big party (on the back) with a $25,000 cover charge --seen on T-shirt Coffee, chocolate, men: some things are just better rich --seen on T-shirt I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. --Thomas Jefferson Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things. --George Carlin One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. --George Carlin If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? --George Carlin The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. --George Carlin I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. --George Carlin Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? --George Carlin If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? --George Carlin If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? --George Carlin If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? --George Carlin Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" --George Carlin Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" --George Carlin What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? --George Carlin If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? --George Carlin Would a fly without wings be called a walk? --George Carlin If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? --George Carlin Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? --George Carlin Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? --George Carlin If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? --George Carlin Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? --George Carlin How do blind people know when they are done wiping? --George Carlin How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? --George Carlin Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? --George Carlin What was the best thing before sliced bread? --George Carlin One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. --George Carlin To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. --George Carlin Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. --George Carlin Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. --George Carlin Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. --George Carlin Women like silent men, they think they're listening. --George Carlin Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. --George Carlin Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. --George Carlin Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? --George Carlin Before they invented drawing boards, what did we go back to? --George Carlin If God dropped acid, would he see people? --George Carlin If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? --George Carlin If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? --George Carlin If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? --George Carlin Viagra, The quicker dicker upper. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #10 Viagra, One-a-day, like iron. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #9 Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #8 Viagra, Home of the whopper. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #7 Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #6 Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman! --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #5 Viagra, Tastes great, more filling! --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #4 Viagra, Ten inches long... and growing. --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #3 Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to! --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #2 This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions? --Top marketing slogans for Viagra #1 Dave Letterman Virtual Celibacy Booth --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #10 Hall of Gifford Flight Attendants --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #9 The "Clamma Sutra" Clam Stand --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #8 Quaker Instant Erotic Oatmeal --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #7 Oscar Meyer Battery-Powered Wiener --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #6 Take Your Picture With A Naked Andy Griffith --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #5 Support Group Meeting For Strippers Whose First And Last Names Don't Start With The Same Letter --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #4 The Interactive Intern --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #3 Condom Bill Gates Carried In His Wallet 1986-1997 --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #2 Madeleine Albright Kissing Booth --Letterman "Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show" #1 Ethics is using free will to choose good over evil. --Jace Crouch <1849@nethawk.com> Never believe anything the government says until it is officially denied three times. --Former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is. --attributed to former First Lady Barbara Bush You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. --Rich Jeni, on going to war over religion I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. --Gary Valentine On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. --Jeff Green, on the difference between men and women And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." --John Wing Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse" --Francois Morency The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat." --Rich Jeni Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. --Tim Steeves Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --Jimmy Shubert There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. --attributed to Henry Kissinger My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading. --Emo Philips My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. --Emo Philips I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" --Emo Philips Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. --Rich Jeni Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. --attributed to Tiger Woods Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!" --Jeff Green I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. --Emo Philips My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head. --Elon Gold I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. --Kevin James Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. Imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. --Emo Philips My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --Rich Jeni We sleep safely in our beds because rough men with guns stand ready in the night to do violence on our behalf. --George Orwell Mary had a little key she kept it in escrow and everything that Mary sent the Feds were sure to know. -- Andy Starritt, in sci.crypt People don't seem to realize that the magnitude of heroism is the difference between what you have and what someone is willing to give you in a time of need. The actual per unit value of the commodity is unimportant. That's why people sometimes don't fully accept that their personal contribution may have been unusually important to others. --Jerry Olivieri, NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory It is hoped the US DoJ will not coerce Microsoft Corporation into releasing its source code to the competition; the national security of several large states would be at risk, and paramedics aren't ready to deal with hysterical giggling on a planetary scale. --Phil Regnauld It took the computing power of three Commodore 64 computers to fly to the moon. It takes a 486 66MHZ computer to run Windows 95. Anything wrong? --unknown I've always seen military service as a plus. --Bill Clinton, equating the service of presidential hopefuls John McCain, a naval aviator who spent more than five years as a prisoner of war in the "Hanoi Hilton," and Al Gore, who spent five months in Vietnam as an Army journalist shooting pictures. Gun Control: The theory that a woman found dead in an alley, raped, and strangled with her panty hose, is somehow morally superior to a woman explaining to police how her attacker got that fatal bullet wound. --David Codrea Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #1: You're sweatin' gravy. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #2: Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #3: Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #4: CBS tells you to lose weight or else. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #5: World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off" Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #6: You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #7: Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #8: You're responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #9: Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. Letterman's "Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much" #10: Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. It's become fashionable in some societies (e.g., the USA) to vociferously complain about "intolerance" and other such behaviors while studiously ignoring the society-eroding activities that trigger such behaviors in others. That fashion has had at least one general effect: of causing many to no longer risk telling others when they *are* behaving badly, lest they be upbraided for daring to "judge". --craig@jcb-sc.com Vidiot: someone who gets all of their news or other info from the television networks. --Sam Odgers Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Glibido: All talk and no action. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *sshole. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Mexico Church Calls Santa a Drunk -- AP headline Bill Clinton has all the steely resolve of a kamikaze pilot on his 37th mission. --Jerry Gardner If you drink don't park, accidents cause people --bumper sticker If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better --bumper sticker My kid got your Honor Roll student pregnant --bumper sticker Impotence: nature's way of saying "no hard feelings" --bumper sticker If you can read this, I've lost my trailer --bumper sticker It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger --bumper sticker The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name --bumper sticker Honk if anything falls off --bumper sticker He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit --bumper sticker If you can read this, please flip me back over --bumper sticker seen upside-down on a Jeep Guys: no shirt, no service Gals: no shirt, no charge --bumper sticker seen on a restaurant If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut? --bumper sticker Necrophillia: that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one --bumper sticker Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel --bumper sticker Cat: the other white meat --bumper sticker Caution - driver legally blonde --bumper sticker Don't be sexist - broads hate that --bumper sticker Heart attacks: God's revenge for eating His animal friends --bumper sticker Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window --bumper sticker Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition --bumper sticker PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals --bumper sticker Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings. --Heinrich Heine I have a most peaceable disposition. My desires are for a modest hut, a thatched roof, a good bed, good food, very fresh milk and butter, flowers in front of my window and a few pretty trees by my door. And should the good Lord wish to make me really happy, he will allow me the pleasure of seeing about six or seven of my enemies hanged upon those trees. --Heinrich Heine But these are not inherent flaws in the operating system; they don't happen by accident. --Mike Nash, Director of Microsoft's Infrastructure Systems, explaining why NT has so many patches to fix crashes caused by malicious net users. The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. --A. Einstein :---( Person who is sad because he or she has a large nose. --Dave Barry's emoticons :-D* Person laughing so hard that he or she does not notice that a 5-legged spider is hanging from his or her lip. --Dave Barry's emoticons >8-O-(&) Person just realizing that he or she has a tapeworm. --Dave Barry's emoticons .-) Person who can still smile despite losing an eyeball. --Dave Barry's emoticons :-0WW Person vomiting a series of Slim Jims. --Dave Barry's emoticons :-Q Person who just had cybersex and is now enjoying a post-coital cybercigarette. --Dave Barry's emoticons >:-Q -... Person who just had cybersex and was enjoying a post-coital cybercigarette until he suddenly noticed, to his alarm, that there is some kind of discharge dribbling from his cybermember. --Dave Barry's emoticons :-{8 Person who is unhappy with the results of her breast-enlargement surgery. --Dave Barry's emoticons :V:-| Person who cannot figure out why nobody wants to talk to him or her, little suspecting that there is an alligator on his or her head. --Dave Barry's emoticons ~oE]:-| Fisherperson heading for market with a basket on his or her head containing a three-legged octopus that is giving off smell rays. --Dave Barry's emoticons >:-[ -{9 Person who is none too pleased to be giving birth to a squirrel. --Dave Barry's emoticons I think we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious. --Thomas Jefferson I shouldn't be eating hamburgers, because the methane gas cows release is the #1 contributor to the destruction of the ozone layer; and the #1 reason they destroy the rainforest is to make grazing ground for cattle. So it's very ironic that I eat beef, being the environmentalist that I am. But then again, if I ordered the tuna sandwich, I would be promoting the fact that they have large tuna nets that capture innocent little dolphins...." -- Leo DiCaprio, Hollywonk and chair-lifeform of "Earth Day 2000" Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. --Bill McClatchie The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. --Mark Russell Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. --Erich Zigler I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter. --Nicholas Petreley Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. --Markus Stumpf One of the surprising privileges of intellectuals is that they are free to be scandalously asinine without harming their reputations. --Eric Hoffer IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. --bumper sticker I believe that the 16th amendment has created a system that is economically destructive, impossibly complex, overly intrusive, unprincipled, dishonest, unfair, and inefficient. --Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas on April 10, 1997 Taxes should be proportioned to what may be annually spared by the individual. --Thomas Jefferson to James Madison The IRS has 480 different tax forms, plus 280 more to explain how to fill out the first 480. The original Tax Code had 11,400 words; today it has 7 million. --Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas Contrary to what some people claim, the tax laws have a lot of respect for logic. They use it so sparingly. --Jeffrey L. Yablon The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash. The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall. --Denis Healey There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure. --Dan Bennett Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was representation without taxation. --Fletcher Knebel Our properties within our own territories [should not] be taxed or regulated by any power on Earth but our own. --Thomas Jefferson's Rights of British America, 1774 American workers spend more of their day working to pay taxes than they do to feed, clothe, and house their families. --The Tax Foundation 9/6/99 There is only one thing worse than the flu season; the tax season. You can recover from the flu. Excessive taxation will carry reason and reflection to every man's door, and particularly in the hour of election. --Thomas Jefferson to John Taylor The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today. --W.L. Mackenzie King War involves in its progress such a train of unforeseen and unsupposed circumstances that no human wisdom can calculate the end. It has but one thing certain, and that is to increase taxes. --Thomas Paine The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing. --Jean B. Colbert I like to pay taxes. With them, I buy civilization. --Oliver Wendell Holmes Taxes are what we pay for civilized society. A penalty on the other hand is intended altogether to prevent the thing punished. --Oliver Wendell Holmes It would be an extreme if not an extravagant application of the Fifth Amendment to say that it authorized a man to refuse to state the amount of his income because it had been made in crime. --Oliver Wendell Holmes There is no art which one government sooner learns from another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people. --Adam Smith There are two distinct classes of men: those who pay taxes and those who receive and live upon taxes. --Thomas Paine In the matter of taxation, every privilege is an injustice. --Voltaire Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. --Herman Wouk The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward. --John Maynard Keynes Of all debts, men are least willing to pay taxes. What a satire is this on government! --Ralph Waldo Emerson "Politics," 1844 I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. --Arthur Godfrey For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40. --Jay Leno explaining Form 1040 Ideas of fairness in taxation are usually nebulous. --Roy Blough and Carl Shoup Loophole: To liberals, any provision of the tax code that fails to claim money earned, inherited, saved, or otherwise pocketed by known taxpayers. --The Conservative's Dictionary The nation ought to have a tax system which looks like someone designed it on purpose. --William E. Simon When everybody has got money they cut taxes, and when they're broke they raise 'em. That's statesmanship of the highest order. --Will Rogers In the end, when you're dealing with tax laws, the pigs get fatter and the hogs get slaughtered. --Gene Gavin If the Lord had meant us to pay income taxes, he'd have made us smart enough to prepare the return. --Kirk Kirkpatrick People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women. --anon Justice: A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent. --Jonathan Swift The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government. --Barry M. Goldwater Thank God they're not doing brain surgery. --Fred Allen commenting about the IRS Any bare necessity--with taxes added. --David Crown's reference to luxury tax Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments. If we can get rid of the former, we may easily bear the latter. --Benjamin Franklin My uncle claims that if he files his income tax wrong he'll go to jail, and if he files it right he'll go to the poor house. --Nonnee Coan I have no intention of raising taxes. --President Bill Clinton It's a game. We [tax lawyers] teach the rich how to play it so they can stay rich--and the IRS keeps changing the rules so we can keep getting rich teaching them. --John Grisham We have long had death and taxes as the two standards of inevitability. But there are those who believe that death is the preferable of the two. 'At least,' as one man said, 'there's one advantage about death; it doesn't get worse every time Congress meets'. --Erwin N. Griswold Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. --Robert Heinlein There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him. --Robert Heinlein It is fairer to tax people on what they extract from the economy, as roughly measured by their consumption, than to tax them on what they produce for the economy, as roughly measured by their income. --Thomas Hobbes A society which turns so many of its best and brightest into tax lawyers may be doing something wrong. --Hoffman F. Fuller I have trouble reconciling my net income with my gross habits. --Errol Flynn Taxes are the killing fields of Democrats. --Grover Norquist If the exercise of power of internal taxation by the Union should be discovered on experiment to be really inconvenient, the federal government may then forbear the use of it... --Alexander Hamilton The power of creating new funds upon new objects of taxation, by its own authority, would enable the national government to borrow as far as its necessities might require. --Alexander Hamilton, Federalist #30, Concerning the General Power of Taxation, December 28, 1787 The best way for the Government to maintain its credit is to pay as it goes-not by resorting to loans, but by keeping out of debt-through an adequate income secured by a system of taxation, external or internal, or both. --Pres. William McKinley's First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1897 Your profits are going to be cut down to a reasonably low level by taxation. Your income will be subject to higher taxes. Indeed in these days, when every available dollar should go to the war effort, I do not think that any American citizen should have a net income in excess of $25,000 per year after payment of taxes. --President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's Radio Broadcast, April 28, 1942 (Referring to Seven-Point Program) Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years. --Dave Barry "Sweating Out Taxes" [American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect. --Dave Barry I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene. --Dave Barry The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. --Dave Barry "Sweating Out Taxes" If Congress were to pass a flat tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool. --Dave Barry All taxation is an evil, but heavy taxes, indiscriminately levied on everything are one of the greatest curses that can afflict a people. --Brooks Adams Nothing is so well calculated to produce a death-like torpor in the country as an extended system of taxation and a great national debt. --William Cobbett You're acting like a thing from another tax bracket! --Kimberly, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" movie It is the duty of a good shepherd to shear his sheep, not to skin them. --Tiberius Caesar The validity of a tax depends upon its nature, and not upon its name. --Benjamin N. Cardozo The federal income tax system is a disgrace to the human race. --Jimmy Carter Rulers do not reduce taxes to be kind. Expediency and greed create high taxation, and normally it takes an impending catastrophe to bring it down. --Charles Adams The current income tax code is the chief source of political corruption in the nation's capitol. Tax reform is not for the timid. --Rep. Richard K. Armey, R-Texas [T]he tax code is the single greatest source of lobbying activity in Washington. --Rep. Richard K. Armey, R-Texas It's the kind of work that makes your hair hurt. --Daniel Mitchell on the need for more attention to transition rules in converting to a flat tax In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. --Benjamin Franklin discussing the Stamp Act passed by the British Parliament on March 22, 1765 Now is the time for us to restore freedom to the American taxpayer. --Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas The IRS has had substantial success in Chicago. Al Capone was convicted on tax evasion here, and that was probably the last time a majority of Americans applauded the IRS on anything. --Sheldon L. Banoff Unless we wish to hamper the people in their right to earn a living, we must have tax reform. --President Calvin Coolidge The only people helped by the death tax are lawyers, accountants, and IRS agents. --Rep. Bob Schaffer, R-Colo. The collection of any taxes which are not absolutely required, which do not beyond reasonable doubt contribute to the public welfare, is only a species of legalized larceny. --President Calvin Coolidge I don't see why a man shouldn't pay an inheritance tax. If a country is good enough to pay taxes to while you are living, it's good enough to pay in after you die. --Will Rogers I want to be sure that he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he is told, that every income tax return I want to see, I see. --Richard Nixon commenting on the kind of IRS Commissioner he wanted [W]e do not have, and never had, and could not have a 'voluntary' tax system. --Donald C. Alexander, former tax Commissioner Congress tried to soak the rich, but drenched the middle class instead. --Sen. Connie Mack, R-Fla., during debate on HR 2264, the 1993 budget reconciliation bill Ripping out the system by its roots is a proposition we readily support. --W. Henson Moore during a July 31, 1996 Ways and Means Committee hearing [Congress should] pull the current income tax code out by its roots and throw it away. --Rep. Bill Archer, R-Texas, at a Ways and Means Committee hearing You [senators] and the American people don't have a clue about how the IRS does its job, and that's just the way they like it. --Shelley Davis, IRS Historian The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along, paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. --Gore Vidal It used to be that death and taxes alone were inevitable. Now there's shipping and handling. --Bert Murray Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents? --Peg Bracken Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed. --Art Buchwald Taxation is, in fact, the most difficult function of government and that against which their citizens are most apt to be refractory. --President Thomas Jefferson, Introduction to Tracy's "Political Economy," 1816 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. --Farmer's Almanac The taxpayer--that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. --Ronald Reagan I wouldn't mind paying taxes --if I knew they were going to a friendly country. --Dick Gregory Death and taxes and childbirth. There's never any convenient time for any of them. --Margaret Mitchell 'Gone With the Wind' Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. --Will Rogers The trouble with an income-tax reduction is that it will stimulate business just enough to put everybody in a higher tax bracket. --Harold Coffin The history of congressional oversight of the IRS does not speak well for how seriously lawmakers have been monitoring the operations of the agency. --George Guttman The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax. --Albert Einstein [The IRS] may take some solace in the fact that Matthew was a tax collector before he became a saint. --Donald C. Alexander Suggesting that the IRS outsource its enforcement activities is like suggesting that the FBI outsource its manhunts and the Pentagon outsource its wars. --Tax Executives Institute Anyone who's received a notice in the mail from the IRS knows how it can cause the blood pressure to rise. --Rep. James A. Traficant, D-Ohio Taxation WITH representation ain't so hot either. --Gerald Barzan Inflation is the one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation. --Milton Friedman You know it's a bad day when your income tax refund check bounces. --unknown Save our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms! --bumper sticker All taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. --Jim Fiebig The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes. --William Feather There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. --unknown There's only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. --Karl Marx Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. --Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Another means of silently lessening the inequality of property is to exempt all from taxation below a certain point, and to tax the higher portions of property in geometrical progression as they rise. --Thomas Jefferson to James Madison, 1785 The new technologies should not be used as justification to create new taxes. --Glen A. Kohl Americans now get less from their federal government than they used to. But most people pay about as much in taxes-or more-than they did in the past. --Robert S. McIntyre Most voters would rather have their purse or wallet stolen than be audited by the IRS. --Frank Luntz As a cop, the IRS has to balance customer service and law enforcement. Stated another way, the agency's motto could be: We're your friend. But if you push that friendship too far, we'll ruin your life and then throw you in jail. --Christopher Bergin As a citizen, you have an obligation to the country's tax system, but you also have an obligation to yourself to know your rights under the law. --Donald C. Alexander Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. --Woody Allen Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. --unknown Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. --unknown What we should have fought for was representation without taxation. --Sam Levenson Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right. --unknown Today's American works half of every day to pay for the burden of government. His taxes are used to reward the lazy and the immoral. --Ellen Sauerbrey, candidate for Governor of Maryland in a campaign speech Many of the opposition [to the new Federal Constitution] wish to take from Congress the power of internal taxation. Calculation has convinced me that this would be very mischievous. --President Thomas Jefferson to William Carmichael, 1788 On the income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I want to know the idiot that creates these forms. --unknown Born Free... Taxed to Death. --unknown Congress should take the IRS, hand-cuff them to a chain-link fence and flog them with their own damn tax code. --Rep. James A. Traficant, D-Ohio Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper. --unknown To steal from one person is theft. To steal from many is taxation. --Jeff Daiell Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. --H.L. Mencken The politicians don't just want your money. They want your soul. They want you to be worn down by taxes until your are dependent and helpless. When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of both. --James Dale Davidson [I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it. --Mark Twain When Barbary Pirates demand a fee for allowing you to do business, it's called 'tribute money.' When the Mafia demands a fee for allowing you to do business, it's called 'the protection racket.' When the state demands a fee for allowing you to do business, it's called 'sales tax.' --Jeff Daiell When the same man, or set of men, holds the sword and the purse, there is an end of liberty. --George Mason When a new source of taxation is found, in practice, that an old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had only one before. --H.L. Mencken There are two methods, or means, and only two, whereby man's needs and desires can be satisfied. One is the production and exchange of wealth; this is the economic means. The other is the uncompensated appropriation of wealth produced by others; this is the political means. --Albert Jay Nock It's getting so that children have to be educated to realize that 'Damn' and 'Taxes' are two separate words. --unknown In the matter of taxation, every privilege is injustice. --Voltaire The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. --Otto Von Bismarck Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way. --Jerold Rochwald Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. --Herbert Hoover All taxes are a drag on economic growth. It's only a question of degree. --Alan Greenspan All the Congress, all the accountants and tax lawyers, all the judges, and a convention of wizards all cannot tell for sure what the income tax law says. --Walter B. Wriston The wisdom of man never yet contrived a system of taxation that would operate with perfect equality. --President Andrew Jackson Due process requires some definite link, some minimum connection, between a state and the person, property or transaction it seeks to tax. --Robert H. Jackson The apportionment of taxes on the various descriptions of property is an act which seems to require the most exact impartiality; yet there is, perhaps, no legislative act in which greater opportunity and temptation are given to a predominant party to trample on the rules of justice. Every shilling with which they overburden the inferior numbers is a shilling saved to their own pockets. --James Madison Revenue on the consumption of foreign articles is paid cheerfully by those who can afford to add foreign luxuries to domestic comforts. --President Thomas Jefferson to Samuel Smith, 1823 Since the content of tax policy is both complex and uninteresting to most readers, the press prefers to write about corruption and lobbying. The ideal story reports on a political campaign contribution to a member of the tax committee who has gotten a special interest amendment adopted for the contributor. --Thomas J. Reese Death: to stop paying taxes suddenly. --unknown A dollar saved is bound to be taxed. --unknown An unlimited power to tax involves, necessarily, the power to destroy. --Daniel Webster No one imagines that a law professing to tax will be permitted to destroy. --John Marshall [The states] have no power, by taxation or otherwise, to retard, impede, burden or in any manner control the operations of the constitutional laws enacted by Congress. --John Marshall If a thousand men were not to pay their tax bills this year, that would not be a violent and bloody measure, as it would be to pay them, and enable the State to commit violence and shed innocent blood. This is, in fact, the definition of a peaceful revolution, if any such is possible. --Henry David Thoreau When Congress talks about simplification, taxpayers may well be reminded of Emerson's comments regarding an acquaintance; "the louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons". --Michael J. Graetz The Tax Code is a monstrosity and there's only one thing to do with it. Scrap it, kill it, drive a stake through its heart, bury it and hope it never rises again to terrorize the American people. --Steve Forbes In case you didn't know, ethanol is made by mixing corn with your tax dollars. --Paul A. Gigot The reality is that for the last quarter century, Congress and the presidents have betrayed us by concocting tax laws that are insincere, unfair, and convoluted. We're just learning that when it comes to taxes, Washington speaks with an accomplished forked tongue. --Martin L. Gross Since the 1980s, it seems as if every journalist writing on tax policy is out to win a Pulitzer Prize by exposing some Watergate-type scandal of corruption and greed lurking behind the provisions of the Tax Code. --Sheldon D. Pollack Hypocrisy... raises its head every time the subject of tax simplification comes up. --Lee A. Sheppard Nothing guarantees more applause and more support than the call to abolish the IRS. --Frank Luntz The tax collector must love poor people--he's creating so many of them. --Bill Vaughan The only thing generally raised on city land is taxes. --Charles Dudley Warner Never before have so many been taken for so much and left with so little. --Van Panopoulos Taxes are the sinews of the state. --Cicero For every benefit you receive a tax is levied. --Ralph Waldo Emerson Compare [our tax system] to the plight of medieval serfs. They only had to give the lord of the manor a third of their output and they were considered slaves. So what does that make us? --Daniel J. Mitchell, economist > You appear to be absolutely incapable of realising that there are > people in this world who can see more than one side to a question... > On the contrary. I see both sides, and I have evaluated both sides, and I have found that one side is vastly superior to the other. This may seem ruthless, but that's how engineering works. --Daniel J. Bernstein, comp.security.unix Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez? A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was almost impeached. It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man who knows that the law is today, can guess what it will be tomorrow. Law is defined to be a rule of action; but how can that be a rule, which is little known, and less fixed? --James Madison, Federalist #62 I am not comfortable about Brits telling us how to deal with our Bill of Rights. I think we settled that in 1776, didn't we? --The NRA's Charlton Heston, responding to British-owned Smith & Wesson's decision to fold in the legal gambit with the Clintonistas It's tough taking sides in an argument between Charlton Heston and Bill Clinton. On one side you have a classic actor trained to fake emotion for the camera, trained to win you over with a well-rehearsed script and then on the other side you have Charlton Heston. --Allyson Smith People often wonder why most feminists don't "get" the Second Amendment. They haven't made it past the First one yet. --Wendy McElroy Clairvoyant, n: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead. --"The Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. --Kay Bostic Statistically, more small children drown in mop buckets than die from gun accidents. --Columnist Holman Jenkins, Wall Street Journal The essence of constitutionalism in a democracy is not merely to shape and condition the nature of majorities, but also to stipulate that certain things are impermissible, no matter how large and fervent a majority might want them. --George Will ...[T]he public good is promoted best by people pursuing their own private interests. This bothers some people because they're more concerned with motives than with results. --Walter E. Williams Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. --actual answer on a 6th grade history test Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. --actual answer on a 6th grade history test In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java. --actual answer on a 6th grade history test Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. --actual answer on a 6th grade history test The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. --actual answer on a 6th grade history test I'm sure that my inferiority complex doesn't measure up to yours. --anon The difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo: a southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. --unknown I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you. --rejected Hallmark Cards Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f#$* was I thinking? --rejected Hallmark Cards As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. --rejected Hallmark Cards Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. --rejected Hallmark Cards For every year that goes by, Mother, I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer... --rejected Hallmark Cards I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well-respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly. --rejected Hallmark Cards Sex with you is like using drugs: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it. --rejected Hallmark Cards The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard. --rejected Hallmark Cards I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. --rejected Hallmark Cards Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. --rejected Hallmark Cards How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby? --rejected Hallmark Cards I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. --rejected Hallmark Cards If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister. --rejected Hallmark Cards Happy Birthday! You look great for your age, almost lifelike. --rejected Hallmark Cards When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. --rejected Hallmark Cards I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. --rejected Hallmark Cards We've been friends for a long time, what say we call it quits. --rejected Hallmark Cards Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? --rejected Hallmark Cards You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. --rejected Hallmark Cards Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep. --rejected Hallmark Cards Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (available only in Kentucky, Tennessee & Arkansas) --rejected Hallmark Cards ... It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds... --Samuel Adams The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists it. --John Jay: Castilian Days, II, 1872 Most people, sometime in their lives, stumble across truth. Most jump up, brush themselves off, and hurry on about their business as if nothing had happened. --Sir Winston Churchill I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do... I will do. --Edward Everett Hale The legislative powers of the government reach actions only, and not opinions. --Thomas Jefferson The system of private property is the most important guaranty of freedom, not only for those who own property, but scarcely less for those who do not. --F.A. Hayek The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant. --John Stuart Mill Janet Reno ... demonstrated at Waco that sometimes you have to kill children to save them. --Wesley Pruden You can tie it up with a rose-scented ribbon labeled 'parental rights' and it still stinks. The Clinton administration is willing to trade Elian's freedom for Castro's cooperation. The left, which can't conceive of anyone choosing America over a progressive state, would sacrifice Elian on the altar of its ideology. --Don Feder Socialists are made, not born, and right now we are creating an entire generation of them. --Chuck Baldwin The socialist state requires greater and greater degrees of force to make it function. If resources and wealth are allocated on the basis of need rather than production, people will compete to be more needy rather than more productive. --Linda Bowles Government control of private-sector industry used to be called fascism. Today it is called the Clinton administration. --Geoff Metcalf I always thought that when evaluating the worth of a human being, race shouldn't count. It appears my government has other ideas. --Greg Crosby No doubt the folks at HCI [Handgun Control Incorporated] would rather have women ask a rapist to use a condom [than defend their lives and health with firearms]. --Dr. Michael S. Brown We are here to protect the freedom of the American people, not to make privacy invasion more efficient. --Rep. Ron Paul The Framers of the First Amendment were not concerned with preventing government from abridging their freedom to speak about crops and cockfighting, or with protecting the expressive activity of topless dancers, which of late has found some shelter under the First Amendment. Rather, the Framers cherished unabridged freedom of political communication. --George Will If everyone had to own one of these as a first car as I did, there would be no traffic jams anywhere. At least half of us would be so turned off by the experience of owning a car, that we would seek alternate means of transportation. --a VW Bus owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" There was no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire. --a VW Bus owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The flower stickers were the only things that held the car together. --a VW Bus owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The bus had no heat, blew over in the wind and used the driver's legs as its first line of defense in an accident. --a VW Bus owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" It was a death trap on the highway -- you could never go fast enough. The chances were good that you'd be hit from the rear. --a VW Bus owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Truly unencumbered by the engineering process. --a Renault Dauphine owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" At the time, it cost about half the price of a Volkswagen, which was half the price of everything else. How could Renault do this? Simple. It had half as many parts. --a Renault Dauphine owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" This car topped out at 45 mph. Since the minimum speed on the Florida Turnpike is 40, patrol cars would follow me, waiting for me to hit a hill so they could ticket me. --a Renault Dauphine owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" From a historical perspective, it's a shame that the French spent their Marshall Plan dollars on automaking. --a Renault Dauphine owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Chevy Cavalier, slap some Cadillac stuff on it, add an extra $5,000.00 and sell a bundle. Tragically enough, they pulled it off-for a while. --a Cimarron owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Hands down, worst car for the money spent. Yugos were junk, but at least they were cheap. This heap had a Caddy price tag! --a Cimarron owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" A stupid marketing ploy. Nothing more than a Chevrolet Cavalier, which Roger Smith gussied up and called a Cadillac. --a Cimarron owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" When we traded it in my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long enough for her to buy a gun and shoot it. --a Cimarron owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" This car began to rust while it was still in the showroom. --a Volare/Aspen owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The stalling problem was so bad that I had to take a clockwise route to work so I could make all right turns, and not risk stalling on a left turn in front of oncoming traffic. --a Volare/Aspen owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" After the floor boards rusted out in the rear, they would fill up with water and freeze. I ended up putting soda crates on the floor in the back to keep people from falling under the car. --a Volare/Aspen owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The only useful purpose this car served was as the model for the car used in National Lampoon's Vacation. --a Volare/Aspen owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Owning a Volare was total ego death--the theme song, the vinyl Landau roof, the inability to pass another car on the highway. --a Volare/Aspen owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" I'm convinced that the body metal for this car was supplied by Reynold's Aluminum. --a Renault LeCar owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Like any French restaurant in America, it was overpriced, noisy, moody, and would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant. --a Renault LeCar owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Our Le Car couldn't climb a hill fully loaded, so the passengers had to get out and walk up. --a Renault LeCar owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" I left it unlocked overnight, and it was finally stolen. The insurance check paid for a textbook. --a Renault LeCar owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" An engine surrounded by 4 pieces of drywall --a Chevette owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The Chevette just reeked of dinky; even the ad shouted that this was the dinky little car for you. The ad didn't show the car going anywhere fast, because it couldn't. --a Chevette owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Plywood floor, printed circuit 'wiring' and no redeeming qualities. It was a throw away, 'Saturday Night Special' from the word go. --a Chevette owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" If I got on the Interstate without being run over, the car would creep towards 55. About an hour later, I'd reach it. Then, the shaking would begin. --a Chevette owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The big winter of 82-83 froze all the Chevettes in my town like dumb ducks on an icy lake. --a Chevette owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" It was entirely possible to read a Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion. --a Gremlin owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The car had all the quality and safety of a cheap garden tractor. --a Gremlin owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Dad had a baby-poop-orange Pinto the year that car thieves hit our street. Although a dozen cars were stolen in one night, ours was there the next morning, on a strangely empty block. --a Pinto owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker, "Hit Me and We Blow Up Together"? --a Pinto owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" The car would do 75 mph in 2nd gear, shaking apart and sounding like a bat out of hell. In fourth gear, the top speed was 70 mph. What's wrong with this picture? You do the math. --a Pinto owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" I took this car to a high-crime shopping mall and left it unlocked with the keys in the ignition. I came back several days later and, much to my disgust, it was still there. --a Pinto owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" When the rear end went on my Vega, the Chevy dealer accused me of racing it. Racing who? My grandfather in his wheelchair? --a Chevy Vega owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" As near as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust. --a Chevy Vega owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" My Chevy Vega actually broke in half going over railroad tracks. The whole rear end came around slightly to the front, sort of like a dog wagging its tail. --a Vega owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Burned so much oil, it was single handedly responsible for the formation of OPEC. --a Chevy Vega owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" I once test drove a Yugo, during which the radio fell out, the gear shift knob came off in my hand, and I saw daylight through the strip around the windshield. --a Yugo owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Any time we made a right hand turn, we all had to lean to the right to prevent the driver's side rear tire from scraping against the wheel well. --a Yugo owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" At least it had heated rear windows, so your hands would stay warm while you pushed. --a Yugo owner, on "Car Talk's 10 worst cars of the millennium" Top oxymorons #1: Microsoft Works Top oxymorons #2: Exact estimate Top oxymorons #3: Working vacation Top oxymorons #4: Diet ice cream Top oxymorons #5: Twelve-ounce pound cake Top oxymorons #6: Pretty ugly Top oxymorons #7: Definite maybe Top oxymorons #8: Tight slacks Top oxymorons #9: Political science Top oxymorons #10: Computer security Top oxymorons #11: Terribly pleased Top oxymorons #12: Plastic glasses Top oxymorons #13: Computer jock Top oxymorons #14: Temporary tax increase Top oxymorons #15: Extinct Life Top oxymorons #16: Peace force Top oxymorons #17: Clearly misunderstood Top oxymorons #18: Taped live Top oxymorons #19: Passive aggression Top oxymorons #20: Synthetic natural gas Top oxymorons #21: "Now, then ..." Top oxymorons #22: Childproof Top oxymorons #23: Sweet sorrow Top oxymorons #24: New classic Top oxymorons #25: Software documentation Top oxymorons #26: Military Intelligence Top oxymorons #27: Butt Head Top oxymorons #28: Soft rock Top oxymorons #29: Business ethics Top oxymorons #30: Small crowd Top oxymorons #31: Living dead Top oxymorons #32: Silent scream Top oxymorons #33: Legally drunk Top oxymorons #34: Alone together Top oxymorons #35: Sanitary landfill Top oxymorons #36: Government organization Top oxymorons #37: Almost exactly Top oxymorons #38: Same difference Top oxymorons #39: Good grief Top oxymorons #40: Airline Food Top oxymorons #41: Genuine imitation Top oxymorons #42: Advanced BASIC Top oxymorons #43: Resident alien Top oxymorons #44: Found missing Top oxymorons #45: Act naturally It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too! --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns -- regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Earth Day and Vladimir Lenin's birthday both take place on April 22. Coincidence? --http://www.enterstageright.com That the majority shall prevail is a rule posterior to the formation of government, and results from it. It is not a rule binding upon mankind in their natural state. There, every man is independent of all laws, except those prescribed by nature. He is not bound by any institutions formed by his fellowmen without his consent. --CRUDEN v. NEALE, 2 N.C. 338 (1796) 2 S.E. 70. (Supreme Court of North Carolina, 1796) Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbeque in a long time. --Steven Wright As for stability, we have three Windows 98 boxes that crash so often that my 3-year-old son now says "It crashed" when I switch a TV program off. --Nicholas Petreley, "The Open Source", InfoWorld 2000-03-03 http://www.infoworld.com/articles/op/xml/00/03/06/000306oppetreley.xml Frugal Tip #28: designate one day each week as "Nude Day" to cut down on your laundry expenses. Frugal Tip #44: Sell something you don't own to somebody who doesn't know any better. If there's going to be a Big Brother in the United States, it's going to be us. The FBI. -- FBI Supervisory Special Agent Paul George 4/6/2000 at a computer privacy meeting in Toronto Canada A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. --Carl Sagan, "Contact" Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president. --Theodore Roosevelt Applying the cattle prod of knowledge to the testicles of ignorance. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #1: The bathroom scale keeps telling the fridge to stop ordering food. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #2: Your smart pillow talks to your PC, which emails your boss with a message that, yep, you've overslept again. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #3: Your dashboard computer insists on making blonde jokes about your driving. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #4: The perky "kitchen assistant," an animated onscreen spatula, keeps calling your mobile phone and asking, "Is your refrigerator running?" Top reasons to fear smart appliances #5: Your mailbox keeps asking why you get so many plain brown packages. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #6: Your appliances secretly open a joint bank account for repairman kickbacks. Top reasons to fear smart appliances #7: Your Microsoft coffeemaker monopolizes the countertop. The act of cowardice is all that matters; the emotion of fear is, in itself, no sin. --C.S. Lewis Justice without strength is helpless, strength without justice is tyrannical. Unable to make what is just strong, we have made what is strong just. --Blaise Pascal Liberty of thought is the life of the soul. --Voltaire Justice, sir, is the great interest of man on earth. --Daniel Webster It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. --Horace If every person has the right to defend -- even by force -- his person, his liberty, and his property, then it follows that a group of men have the right to organize and support a common force to protect these rights constantly. --Frederic Bastiat When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it. --Frederic Bastiat Though it be honest, it is never good to bring bad news. --William Shakespeare There is no legitimate religion apart from truth. --John Calvin The [Elian Gonzales] raid on the two-bedroom house was almost worth it if only to watch Jesse Jackson, on Tony Snow's Sunday show, defending an armed pre-dawn raid by the US government on a minority household. --Rich Galen Ling-Ling, the panda from China, died about a year ago. Some of the public wanted to stuff and mount Ling-Ling, but the people at the Smithsonian did not give in to pressure, and said no. They said that if people want to see a semi-lifelike gift from China to America, they're going to have to vote for Al Gore. --Bill Maher Today was "Take Your Daughter to Work" day, or as they call it in the White House, "Back Off Bill, She's Only 16" day. --Conan O'Brien This whole controversy over whether or not Bill Clinton should be disbarred has got me wondering what it means when a society sets a lower standard for being president than it does for being a lawyer. --Bruce Tinsley's cartoon character, Mallard Fillmore A lot of times, girls provoke violence... I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but if the shoe fits, it should fit for everybody. --OJ Simpson, in an interview with "Sport Magazine" I don't think you want to use that line about shoes fitting. --reply from Simpson interviewer Oh, kids are the greatest, Apu. You teach them to hate the things you hate, and they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all. --Homer Simpson If the opposition disarms, well and good. If it refuses to disarm, we shall disarm it ourselves. --Joseph Stalin No legislative act contrary to the Constitution can be valid. To deny this would be to affirm that the servant is above the master, or that the representatives of the people are superior to the people. --Alexander Hamilton, Federalist Papers #78 A Constitution is, in fact, and must be regarded by judges as fundamental law. If there should happen to be a irreconcilable variance between the two, the Constitution is to be preferred to the statute. --Alexander Hamilton, Federalist Papers #78 Only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed. --President John F. Kennedy It is impossible to introduce into society a greater change and a greater evil than this: the conversion of the law into an instrument of plunder. --Frederic Bastiat We demand of our political life greater certainty and greater perfection than we demand of our personal life. --Max Lerner Virtually every argument for more gun control laws is either based on lies or is grossly misleading. ...[H]ard data show that, on net balance, gun control costs more lives than it saves. --Thomas Sowell Disarmed citizens encourage crime and violence. Armed citizens encourage criminals to find a safer line of work. --Harry Browne So in the end, the Million Mom March turned out to be little more than a superhyped Democratic Party campaign rally. --New York Post With all our looking back at the 20th century, we have missed some of its most blatant and most horrifying lessons. The worst horrors of this century, under both the Nazis and the Communists, came from concentrations of political power, brought about by heady rhetoric, powerful visions and emotional manipulations. Yet we remain as susceptible to all these things as if none of these horrors had happened. --Thomas Sowell History is to civilization what memory is to an individual: a source of identity and meaning. --National Review Love and respect for the great American experiment in free government does not appear out of thin air. --Larry P. Arnn Clinton has brought us face to face with who we are and what we are. Simply put, we are witnessing the denouement of the sorry saga of the '60s, the drugs, promiscuity, vulgarity and perversion. --Linda Bowles [The Clintons] have left our political process distorted and misshapen; they have stopped good things from happening, and allowed bad things to occur; when caught they have covered-up and dissembled, which in turn has added a new level of sourness, cynicism and confusion to our politics and our culture. --Peggy Noonan Clinton may not be the worst president America has had, but surely he is the worst person to be president. --George Will Simplistic gun-control solutions to complex social problems, involving everything from one-parent families to parental neglect to lousy schools, divert attention from the real problems facing American families and contribute to unjustified complacency in responding to them. --The Washington Times "He's doing fine." That's the political professionals' code for, "Get paid in advance. This campaign is toast". --Rich Galen on how Gore's handlers are explaining his lag in virtually every poll If it were written today in the decade of the victim, the Constitution would probably read like a 12-step pamphlet. --Debra Saunders Theme of the Million Mom March: "I don't need a brain -- I've got a womb". --Ann Coulter Bill [Clinton] never needed Socks to turn the White House into a cat house or Buddy to turn it into a dog house or anyone else to turn it into an outhouse. --Lyn Nofziger Before we legislate an end to gun abuse by outlawing guns, perhaps we should legislate an end to drug abuse by outlawing drugs. Friends don't let friends take home ugly men --Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX Express Lane: Five beers or less. --Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA You're too good for him. --Sign over Women's room mirror, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. --Sign over Men's room mirror, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hands. --Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY Never take a beer to a job interview. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. --Martha Stewart's dining-out tips for Rednecks If drinking directly from the wine bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. --Martha Stewart's dining-out tips for Rednecks A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. --Martha Stewart's entertaining tips for Rednecks Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. --Martha Stewart's entertaining tips for Rednecks While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. --Martha Stewart's hygiene tips for Rednecks Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. --Martha Stewart's hygiene tips for Rednecks Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. --Martha Stewart's hygiene tips for Rednecks Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks dating outside the family Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago," --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks dating outside the family Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10pm, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. --Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks dating outside the family Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. --Martha Stewart's theater etiquette for Rednecks Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. --Martha Stewart's theater etiquette for Rednecks Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. --Martha Stewart's wedding etiquette for Rednecks Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. --Martha Stewart's wedding etiquette for Rednecks For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. --Martha Stewart's wedding etiquette for Rednecks Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. --Martha Stewart's wedding etiquette for Rednecks Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. --Martha Stewart's driving etiquette for Rednecks When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. --Martha Stewart's driving etiquette for Rednecks Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. --Martha Stewart's driving etiquette for Rednecks When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. --Martha Stewart's driving etiquette for Rednecks Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. --Martha Stewart's driving etiquette for Rednecks Enlightened statesmen will not always be at the helm. --James Madison If you entrust me with the presidency, we can all come back here and it won't cost much at all. We're going to make meaningful campaign finance reform the law of the land. --Al Gore talking about campaign finance reform at the biggest Demo cash-bash ever It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived. --George S. Patton, Jr. I'm afraid one of these days soon some fast operator will come along and try to change Memorial Day into something else. You know, a name change due to a new sponsor. --Col David Hackworth One of the [Million Mom] marchers said "the hands that rock the cradle rule this nation." I thought, "No, madam, the hands that rock the cradle rule our families and governments and corporations. The hands that wrote the Constitution rule this nation". --NRA President Charlton Heston This battle for "common-sense" gun control laws pits emotion and passion against logic and reason. All too often in such a contest, logic loses. So, expect more meaningless, if not harmful, "gun control" legislation. Good news if you're a crook. --Larry Elder The absurdity of mothers of crime victims demanding that the means of self defense be removed from law abiding citizens, thus creating more potential crime victims, is bizarre and would be laughable if it weren't so dangerous. --Charles A. Morse These liberties, ensured by our Bill Of Rights, were properly recognized by our Founders as divine in origin, transcendent in nature, and beyond the political manipulations of beings even so powerful as talk show hostesses. --Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. Mr. Gore thinks he can win if he frightens women with lies about guns, then seduces them with promises about something called gun control. Well, manipulating women may be the Clinton legacy, but it won't work. --NRA's Wayne La Pierre The fundamental difference between a free society and an unfree society is an armed citizenry. --Charley Reese Al Gore's problem is that he's acting as if he's desperate to be president, but sounding as if he doesn't want to do anything new once elected. Right now, Bush's vision wins by default simply because it dares to be new and different. --Clinton's former Labor Secretary, Robert Reich Al Gore is Walter Mondale in Earth tones. --Hardball's Chris Matthews I want you all to know that I still love [ex-boyfriend] Darren very much. --Village celeb Tonya Harding, after spending three days in jail for assaulting Darren Silver with a hubcap and then punching him in the face. She will now spend ten days cleaning up trash around Portland, OR. I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. --Barbara Bush None as cute as that. --George W., after being kissed on the cheek by a 77-year-old man, asked if any other men had kissed him during his campaign As my father always said to me, no matter what they say about you, good or bad, you're the one who's going to have to make those putts. --Tiger Woods NIXON 2000: He's not as stiff as Al Gore --bumper sticker Hillary Clinton is going to be your next Senator. I think it's only fair; I mean after 18 years of Bill, you ought to give somebody else in the family a chance to embarrass the Clintons. --Dave Letterman A new report says girls begin experiencing sexual harassment as early as high school. I think that's a pretty good time to start learning how our government works. --Craig Kilborn A 404 of former websites --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A balm of grandmothers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A beam of trekkies --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A blather of chat-room participants --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A blizzard of AOL disks --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A brace of orthodontists --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A brief of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A byte of programmers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A catch of jugglers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A cheat of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A circle of geometricians --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A clique of computer mice --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A clutch of mechanics --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A codicil of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A confusion of multi-disk CD players --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A conspiracy of traffic lights --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A counting of accountants --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A crop of plant scientists --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A cylinder of CDs --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A dictionary of linguaphiles --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A dissemblage of politicians --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A drove of taxi cabs --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A duke of URLs --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A dump of spammers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A giggle of girls --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A grab-bag of purse-snatchers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A greed of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A herd of hearing aids --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A hindrance of tech-support people --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A host of nameservers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A mass of priests --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A matrix of mathematicians --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A mercenary of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A monica of sins --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A number of accountants --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A passion of poets --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A patience of tech support callers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A phile of lovers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A plurality of group nouns --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A portfolio of stock brokers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A purchase of senators --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A remora of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A row of knitters --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A segregation of racists --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A silence of lambs --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A silicone of Baywatch reruns --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A slime of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A sneer of Mac users --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A somephony of music critics --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A spider of webmasters --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A stack of newspapermen --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A stoppit of parents --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A succor of grandmas --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A suite of chocolates --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A sum of accountants --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A tragedy of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A wad of gum-chewers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A whatever of teenagers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST A wildcard of hackers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An array of programmers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An ear of colonels --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An enterprise of trekkies --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An imelda of shoes --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An interference of mother-in-laws --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An intimidation of gargoyles --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An obfuscation of politicians --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An obfuscation of user manuals --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST An objection of lawyers --collective nouns, June 1999 LINGUIST Is it any wonder why the approval ratings of the Congress go up every time we go into recess? --Sen. Robert C. Byrd When our chief magistrate, successor to Washington and Lincoln, lies in sworn testimony, haggles over the meaning of "is," disports himself with an intern, bombs foreign countries at suspiciously convenient moments, and prepares to toss a 6-year-old Cuban boy into the open jaws of Fidel Castro (an unmistakably evil character), the mud sticks to us all. --William Murchison Political correctness is tyranny with manners, and cultural cancer is eating away at our society. --Charlton Heston Since the collectivists and statists have no faith in the individual or individual responsibility, they have little faith in the Bill of Rights. A document that places the individual and certain self-evident truths above the needs of the state no longer seems relevant to them. --Diane Alden The week's events make pretty clear which of the lawyers in this battle, Mr. Starr and Mr. Clinton, was the one with the ethical problems. --Washington Post on a judge's dismissal of a misconduct complaint against Kenneth Starr and an Arkansas judicial committee's recommendation that Bill Clinton be disbarred. Former Los Angeles Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda says he didn't vote for Clinton/Gore because "My father was a Republican, and his father was a Republican". When asked if his father was a thief, "would that make you a thief?" he said, "No, that would make me a Democrat." This week Democrats raised $26 million in soft money. They raised this money to try and stop this kind of thing. --Jay Leno Hillary Clinton did an interview with a New York hip hop radio station. Many didn't know that it was Hillary because she used her rap name, Queen Subpoena. --Jay Leno One man with a gun can control 100 without one... Make mass searches and hold executions for found arms. --V.I. Lenin The spectre of a polity controlled by the fads and whims of voters who actually believe that there are significant differences between Bud Lite and Miller Lite, and who think that professional wrestling is for real, is naturally alarming to people who don't. --Neal Stephenson A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the net. --David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C Goest thee not unto the Usenet for advice, for thou will be told both yea and nay (and quite a few things that have nothing at all to do with the question). --unknown Abbreviation for PETA: Pernicious Egocentric Twits of America Abbreviation for PETA: Politicos Eager To Appease Abbreviation for PETA: People for the Elitist Treatment of Animals Abbreviation for PETA: People Engaged in Total Absurdity Abbreviation for PETA: People for the Edible Treatment of Animals Abbreviation for PETA: People Eager for Tons of Attention Abbreviation for PETA: Public Education's Thoughtless Alumni Abbreviation for PETA: People Enamored of Total Absurdity Abbreviation for PETA: People Exempt from Thoughtful Analysis Abbreviation for PETA: People with Extra Terrestrial Addresses Abbreviation for PETA: Pinheads Expressing Total Absurdity You know you're a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You know you're a redneck if you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. You know you're a redneck if your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. You know you're a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You know you're a redneck if you burn your yard rather than mow it. You know you're a redneck if you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. You know you're a redneck if the Salvation Army declines your mattress. You know you're a redneck if your entire family ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You know you're a redneck if you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You know you're a redneck if you have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You know you're a redneck if you come back from the dump with more than you took. You know you're a redneck if the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. You know you're a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You know you're a redneck if your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You know you're a redneck if your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You know you're a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You know you're a redneck if you think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You know you're a redneck if you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You know you're a redneck if you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. You know you're a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You know you're a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You know you're a redneck if you took a fishing pole to Sea World. You know you're a redneck if you go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know you're a redneck if you know how many hay bales your car will hold. You know you're a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot. You know you're a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap. You know you're a redneck if you've ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. You know you're a redneck if your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You know you're a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You know you're a redneck if you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You know you're a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth. You know you're a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. You know you're a redneck if you think Dom Perigon is a Mafia leader. You know you're a redneck if your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You know you're a redneck if you stare at a can of orange juice because it says "Concentrate". You know you're a redneck if you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You know you're a redneck if your richest relative buys a new house and calls you to help him take the wheels off. Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficial. --Justice Louis Brandeis The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer Nationalism remains a dirty word used by internationalists to describe backward nations who disagree with the interests set by global elites. --Michael Patrick A government without strict limits is tyrannical. You'd think conservative intellectuals would grasp this by now. --Joseph Sobran A federal judge [says] the Microsoft split must last for at least 10 years, or the length of time the average consumer has been put on hold with Microsoft technical-help services--whichever is longer. --Kenny Noble Cortes The new Linux anthem will be "He's an idiot, but he's ok", as performed by Monthy Python. You'd better start practicing. --Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patch Carpe Aptenodytes! (Seize the Penguins!) --unknown I've discovered that using VMS is a lot like driving a nail with your head: sure, you eventually get something practical done, but it usually results in a headache and some blood loss. --Sean A. Simpson You know you're a redneck if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. You know you're a redneck if the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. You know you're a redneck if your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You know you're a redneck if you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. You know you're a redneck if you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You know you're a redneck if you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. You know you're a redneck if your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop car always brings you home. You know you're a redneck if a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. You know you're a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You know you're a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You know you're a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. You know you're a redneck if somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. --Franklin Pierce Adams When law and morality contradict each other, the citizen has the cruel alternative of either losing his moral sense or losing his respect for the law. --Frederic Bastiat While we have heard of stupid haste in war, we have not yet seen a clever operation that was prolonged. --Sun Tzu We made a great mistake in the beginning of our struggle, and I fear, in spite of all we can do, it will prove to be a fatal mistake. We appointed all our worst generals to command our armies, and all our best generals to edit the newspapers. --Robert E. Lee Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. --C.S. Lewis A sword is never a killer, it is a tool in the killer's hands. --Lucius Annaeus Seneca, circa 45 AD When the history of the rise and fall of America is finally written, it may well be recorded that the beginning of the end was signaled by the blind submission of a pagan people to the tyranny of a 'nine-headed Caesar'. --Linda Bowles This film is about personal freedom -- which many people take for granted today... It's a good thing that historians are going to harangue this and say, 'It's not accurate.' Good. It'll make somebody pick up a book. --Mel Gibson, about "The Patriot" It comes from the Israel of the Bible: Sooner or later, the king unchecked will come for your sons. That should be a universal message, untied to any ideology, since tyrants have come in all hues, shapes and sizes throughout history. --John H. Fund Revisiting the Revolutionary War is a bracing reminder that the fate of a continent, and the shape of the modern world, turned on the free choices of remarkably few Americans defying an empire. --George F. Will Is it too much to ask late 20th century critics to grasp that people who lived 200 years ago did not necessarily harbor quite the same superstitions that we do? --Samuel Francis They don't need campaign funds. They need spinal fluid. --Andrea Lafferty on the 13 Republican Senators who voted to make hate a federal crime for politically correct identity groups To call Congress emasculated is to insult eunuchs. --David C. Stolinsky To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. --Thomas Jefferson President Clinton told Democrats in California it's not necessary to say anything bad about Republicans. He said if Democrats just look voters in the eye and tell the truth, they will win. Of course, he's just speculating. --Argus Hamilton ...Bill Clinton wouldn't appreciate the Rule of Law if it was wearing knee pads and a thong. --Neal Boortz Listening to Governor Cuomo identify what a Republican should do is like listening to Evel Knievel talk about the space program. --Empower America's Jack Kemp on his CBS Early Show co-pundit Mario Cuomo. I've always said that if God gave me only 5 years to live, I'd spend it as a member of Congress, because they've been the longest years of my life. --Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. Let's see if I understand this correctly: Government educational systems, which teach situational ethics and teach that there are no absolutes, preach zero tolerance on guns. --The Federalist I believe there is a limit beyond which free speech cannot go, but it's a limit that's very seldom mentioned. It's the point where free speech begins to collide with the right to privacy... I've got a right to say and believe anything I please, but I haven't got a right to press it on anybody else... Nobody's got a right to be a nuisance to his neighbors. --H. L. Mencken One who is not acquainted with the designs of his neighbors should not enter into alliances with them. --Sun Tzu Civilizations have ended in blood and even tears. Ours may be the first to end in moronic laughter. --Don Feder The failure of the Fourth Estate to do its job -- to tell the unvarnished truth and put aside political agendas -- is the real scandal in [Washington, DC]. --Paul Sperry Whenever you hear, as you frequently will this year, politicians speaking of 'values,' you are in the presence of America's problem, not its solution. --George Will What it boils down to is this: when Republicans give Democrats everything they want, it's called 'bipartisanship.' When they don't surrender, it's called 'partisan politics'. --John Nowacki Racial discrimination is now defended by our more advanced thinkers -- if it's called 'affirmative action'. --Paul Greenberg Liberalism, which embraced statism in the Progressive Era, the planned economy in the '30s, and outright redistributionism in the 1960s, has become nothing more than state worship. --Lew Rockwell Sooner or later, the mainstream media and the white-man-done-me-wrong black leadership must face the facts. Black/white interracial crime is almost entirely committed by blacks against whites. ... The President's traveling Advisory Board on Race urged Americans to be candid with one another on race. Somebody tell the media. --Larry Elder Today's politicians are hollow men who never meditate and consequently never say anything memorable. --Joseph Sobran One of the reasons American children do so badly in international tests of academic skills is that our schools are preoccupied with politically correct social crusades. --Thomas Sowell People have known that tobacco is injurious at least since its adoption by the Europeans 400 years ago. Any smoker today who tells you he didn't know it was killing him is a liar or an idiot. --John Strausbaugh A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be. Moderation in temper is always a virtue; but moderation in principle is always a vice. --Thomas Paine Perhaps the solution is to do what my father taught me about bad systems. Follow them exactly, to the letter, and they will fail faster. --David Hibbeln Don't think you're going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. --Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his remarks at the Dartmouth College Commencement, June 14, 1953. Courtesy of Dartmouth College Library [People who believe differently] are part of America, and even if they think ideas that are contrary to ours, their right to say them, their right to record them, and their right to have them at places where they're accessible to others is unquestioned or it's not America. --Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his remarks at the Dartmouth College Commencement, June 14, 1953. Courtesy of Dartmouth College Library [President Clinton] boasts about 186,000 people denied firearms under the Brady Law rules. The Brady Law has been in force for three years. In that time, they have prosecuted seven people and put three of them in prison. You know, the President has entertained more felons than that at fundraising coffees in the White House. -- Charlton Heston, FOX News Sunday, 18 May 1997 You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." You might be a redneck Jedi if your Jedi robe is camouflage. You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever used your light saber to open a can of Bud. You might be a redneck Jedi if at least one wing of your X-Wing Fighter is primer colored. You might be a redneck Jedi if you can easily describe the taste of Ewok. You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. You might be a redneck Jedi if the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. You might be a redneck Jedi if Wookiees are offended by your B.O. You might be a redneck Jedi if any of your female relatives has more chin hair than Yoda. You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever used the force while fishing and/or bowling. You might be a redneck Jedi if your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son--come on over to the dark side, it'll be a hoot." You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You might be a redneck Jedi if you have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You might be a redneck Jedi if your light saber handle is covered in duct tape. You might be a redneck Jedi if you've ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You might be a redneck Jedi if you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. You might be a redneck Jedi if (although you had to kill him) you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You might be a redneck Jedi if you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You might be a redneck Jedi if you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You might be a redneck Jedi if you were the only person drinking Wild Turkey during the cantina scene. You might be a redneck Jedi if you hear, "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle." A Republic, if you can keep it. --Ben Franklin, after the Constitutional Convention, when asked what sort of government had been decided upon Why your PC might be possessed #1: That creepy Damian guy in the MIS group just upgraded you to a Pentium-666. Why your PC might be possessed #2: When you eject a CD, green pea soup comes flying out the drive door. Why your PC might be possessed #3: You try to print out a spreadsheet, but all you get is ten pages of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Why your PC might be possessed #4: When your laptop goes through airport security, the machine picks up an outline of a cloven hoof. Why your PC might be possessed #5: New screensaver is flying pentacles. Why your PC might be possessed #6: Your computer monitor swivels a full 360 degrees every time you walk into the room. Why your PC might be possessed #7: Your voice recognition software starts speaking in tongues. Why your PC might be possessed #8: You find a fresh stack of "Blair Witch" crossed sticks by your CPU. Why your PC might be possessed #9: It runs Windows without an error. All government, in its essence, is organized exploitation, and in virtually all of its existing forms it is the implacable enemy of every industrious and well-disposed man. --H. L. Mencken Show me the man you honor and I will know what kind of a man you are, for it shows me what your ideal of manhood is, and what kind of a man you long to be. --Carlyle The national interest of the United States does not change in years divisible by four. --Henry Kissinger It is the theory of all modern civilized governments that they protect and foster the liberty of the citizen; it is the practice of all of them to limit its exercise, and sometimes very narrowly. --H. L. Mencken Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur (Whatever is said in Latin, sounds profound) --Ginger Houston-Ludlam A man who once informed a Grand Jury that whether or not he had committed perjury depended on the meaning of the word 'is' would surely be the very saviour of any philosophy faculty. --Times of London on the possibility that Bill Clinton might join the Oxford teaching staff after leaving office Oh, I'm a C programmer and I'm okay I muck with indices and structs all day And when it works, I shout hoo-ray Oh, I'm a C programmer and I'm okay --Oliver Koch I finished the Oreos. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #1 Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #2 Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had two babies. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #3 Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #4 Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #5 Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #6 Are your ankles supposed to look like that? --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #7 Get your own ice cream. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #8 Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #9 Got milk? --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #10 Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #11 Man, that rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar. --Bad things to say if your wife is pregnant #12 The real object of all despotism is revenue. --Thomas Paine Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. --Aldous Huxley Socialist: A man suffering from an overwhelming conviction to believe what is not true. --H.L. Mencken The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power, not the increase of it. --Woodrow Wilson Man is not free unless government is limited.... As government expands, liberty contracts. --Ronald Reagan Among other causes of misfortune which your not being armed brings upon you, it makes you despised.... --Macchiavelli No man is entitled to the blessings of freedom unless he be vigilant in its preservation. --General Douglas MacArthur Teachers' unions are going all-out to stop vouchers, because any competition threatens to expose both the public schools' failures and their excuses for failure. --Thomas Sowell There are few more potent combinations than lawyers and journalists. Together they can demonize, loot and even bankrupt the largest industry. And do so based on the flimsiest evidence. --Doug Bandow The ferocity of ... the contemporary leftist radical ... stems from an initial denial of reality, a nourishing of the self on the mere wish that human nature ... might be transformed by an act of naked will. --Thomas Bertonneau Men rule everywhere and in everything, so why should we care that boys do worse in high school? --University of Virginia law professor Amy Wax This case is not complicated, in spite of Ms. Reno's mumbo-jumbo. Either Al Gore knew that he was attending a fund raiser or he didn't. If he knew, he is lying. If he did not know, he's too dumb to be president. --Las Vegas Review Journal's August 29th edition concerning Janet Reno's refusal to appoint a special counsel to investigate Al Gore's appearance at a Buddhist Temple F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! --Oliver Koch The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --George Bernard Shaw People constantly speak of 'the government' doing this or that, as they might speak of God doing it. But the government is really nothing but a group of men, and usually they are very inferior men. --H. L. Mencken WANTED. Alligator wrestlers. Must be brave and a risk taker. Males and females OK. No experience needed. --Job opening at Seminole Okalee Village and Museum During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.' --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I've yet to read about an ex-lesbian who, upon accepting Jesus Christ as her personal savior, was seized by a sudden and overwhelming desire to chew through Matt Damon's underpants. --Dan Savage Things I've found in my keyboard #1: Blood, sweat, and tears: before, during, and after IPO, respectively. Things I've found in my keyboard #2: My jaw, which dropped completely off when I saw the latest gas prices. Things I've found in my keyboard #3: DNA: have you seen "Gattaca"? Things I've found in my keyboard #4: Richard Hatch in his birthday suit. This guy turns up everywhere. If I didn't drink this beer, the brewery might close and the dreams of the employees would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --Jack Handy The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure: hooking up with fat, hairy girls. --Ross Levy A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Jack Handy The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then said, "Whoa - too much light." Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support Group. Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine. An elected despotism is not the government we fought for. --Thomas Jefferson Those who want their rights respected under the Constitution and the law ought to set the example themselves of observing the Constitution and the law. --Calvin Coolidge Abstract language avoids creating unpleasant mental images that might cause horror and shame; concrete language may remind us of what we are really doing. --Joseph Sobran The federal government has taken too much tax money from the people, too much authority from the states, and too much liberty with the Constitution. --Ronald Reagan I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower." Son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her! Dad: That happens in every country, son. If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The strength and powers of despotism consist wholly in the fear of resisting it. --Thomas Paine Three groups spend other people's money: children, thieves and politicians. All three need parental supervision. --Dick Armey It is general popular error to regard the loudest complainers for the public to be the most anxious for its welfare. --Edmund Burke The more is given the less the people will work for themselves, and the less they work the more their poverty will increase. --Tolstoi In US politics, compassion means giving money and privileges to well organized interest groups at everyone else's expense. --Paul Craig Roberts The real evil...was their acceptance of the principle that the end justifies the means. This is how most human beings...are introduced to evil. They are not pushed into evil by a strong desire to do wicked things, but by people who persuade them that evil is necessary to achieve some greater good, and that the good justifies the evil. --Alan Keyes I haven't felt this way since I threw up on the Japanese prime minister. --President George Bush after eating salsa from radio host Don Imus Look, Ma, 4299 accidents waiting to happen: % find pine4.21 -type f | xargs egrep '(sprintf|strcpy|strcat)' | wc -l 4299 Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. --seen in a church bulletin The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals. --church announcement for National Prayer & Fasting Conference Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. --seen in a church bulletin Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. --seen in a church bulletin Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. --seen in a church bulletin Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. --seen in a church bulletin The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. --seen in a church bulletin The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus". --seen in a church bulletin Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. --seen in a church bulletin Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. --seen in a church bulletin Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you. --seen in a church bulletin Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --seen in a church bulletin Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --seen in a church bulletin The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. --seen in a church bulletin Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --seen in a church bulletin The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. --seen in a church bulletin Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. --seen in a church bulletin Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. --seen in a church bulletin The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. --seen in a church bulletin This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --seen in a church bulletin Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. --seen in a church bulletin Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. --seen in a church bulletin Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". --announced in church Q: What has enormous boobs and stands on the sidelines? A: The Oregon State Coaching Staff. Q: What does the average Minnesota football player get on his SAT's? A: Drool. Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A: A full set of teeth. Q: How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room? A: Grease her hips and push like hell. Q: How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza. Q: Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs? A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. Q: Why do they no longer serve ice at Pitt football games? A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated. Q: Why is the Indiana football team like a possum? A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road. Q: What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life? A: When he's a freshman. Q: Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf? A: To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games. Q: How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a sophomore course at OSU. Q: Why did O.J. want to move to Blacksburg, VA? A: Everyone there has the same DNA. Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of the week. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. --bad pickup lines Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. --bad pickup lines Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? --bad pickup lines Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots? Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species. --bad pickup lines Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. --Gore Vidal 'Tis our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliances with any portion of the foreign world. --George Washington We live contentedly with things our ancestors would have crossed oceans to escape. --Joe Sobran Bill Clinton promised the most ethical administration in history. He's fallen about 41 presidents short. --George W. Bush A man who pushes an old lady out of the way of an oncoming bus should not be likened to a man who pushes an old lady into the way of an oncoming bus on the grounds that both men are pushing old ladies around. --William F. Buckley on "moral equivalency" and the suggestion that Clinton friends and foes are equally responsible for his predicament If the personal freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution inhibit the government's ability to govern the people, we should look to limit those guarantees. --unverified, President Bill Clinton, August 12, 1993 The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. --Chamfort Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits. --Casey Stengel All I ask is that you bust your heiny on that field. --Casey Stengel Amazing strength, amazing power - he (Ron Swoboda) can grind the dust out of the bat. He will be great, super even wonderful. Now, if he can only learn to catch a fly ball. --Casey Stengel As great as the other men were on the ball club, there comes a time when you get a weakness and it might be physical. --Casey Stengel Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose 'em I never knew existed before. --Casey Stengel Can't anybody here play this game? --Casey Stengel Don't cut my throat, I may want to do that later myself. --Casey Stengel Don't drink in the hotel bar, that's where I do my drinking. --Casey Stengel Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa. --Casey Stengel He (Babe Ruth) was very brave at the plate. You rarely saw him fall away from a pitch. He stayed right in there. No one drove him out. --Casey Stengel He'd (Yogi Berra) fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch. --Casey Stengel He (Gil Hodges) fields better on one leg than anybody else I got on two. --Casey Stengel He (Lyndon B. Johnson) wanted to see poverty, so he came to see my team (64 Mets). --Casey Stengel He (Mickey Mantle) has it in his body to be great. --Casey Stengel He (Mickey Mantle) should lead the league in everything. With his combination of speed and power he should win the triple batting crown every year. In fact, he should do anything he wants to do. --Casey Stengel He (Satchel Paige) threw the ball as far from the bat and as close to the plate as possible. --Casey Stengel He's throwing grounders. --Casey Stengel I came in here and a fella asked me to have a drink. I said I don't drink. Then another fella said hear you and Joe DiMaggio aren't speaking and I said I'll take that drink. --Casey Stengel I couldna done it without my players. --Casey Stengel I don't know if he throws a spitball but he sure spits on the ball. --Casey Stengel I don't like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three. --Casey Stengel If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed. --Casey Stengel I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many. --Casey Stengel If this keeps up (four game winning streak) I'm about to manage until I'm a hundred. --Casey Stengel If we're going to win the pennant, we've got to start thinking we're not as good as we think we are. --Casey Stengel If you're playing baseball and thinking about managing, you're crazy. You'd be better off thinking about being an owner. --Casey Stengel If you're so smart, let's see you get out of the Army. --Casey Stengel I got players with bad watches - they can't tell midnight from noon. --Casey Stengel It's high time something was done for the pitchers. They put up the stands and take down fences to make more home runs and plague the pitchers. Let them revive the spitter and help the pitchers make a living. --Casey Stengel It's wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn't used to like. --Casey Stengel I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks during batting practice. --Casey Stengel Kid (Phil Rizzuto) you're too small. You ought to go out and shine shoes. --Casey Stengel Look at him (Bobby Richardson) - he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't chew, he doesn't stay out late, and he still can't hit .250. --Casey Stengel Most ball games are lost, not won. --Casey Stengel Mister, that boy couldn't hit the ground if he fell out of an airplane. --Casey Stengel My health is good enough about the shoulders. --Casey Stengel Nobody ever had too many of them (pitchers). --Casey Stengel No, even my players aren't players. --Casey Stengel Say, I've got a tip on the market for you fellows (29 Toledo Mudhens) - buy Pennsylvania Railroad because by tomorrow night about a dozen of you bums will be riding on it. --Casey Stengel Son, we'd like to keep you around this season but we're going to try and win a pennant. --Casey Stengel There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them. --Casey Stengel The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided. --Casey Stengel The trouble with women umpires is that I couldn't argue with one. I'd put my arms around her and give her a little kiss. --Casey Stengel The Yankees don't pay me to win every day, just two out of three. --Casey Stengel They got a lot of kids now whose uniforms are so tight, especially the pants, that they cannot bend over to pick up ground balls. And they don't want to bend over in television games because in that way there is no way their face can get on the camera. --Casey Stengel They say he's (Yogi Berra) funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? --Casey Stengel They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don't win many ball games. --Casey Stengel They told me my services were no longer desired because they wanted to put in a youth program as an advance way of keeping the club going. I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again. --Casey Stengel This club (69 Mets) plays better baseball now. Some of them look fairly alert. --Casey Stengel Wake up muscles, we're in New York now. --Casey Stengel We (the Mets) are a much improved ball club, now we lose in extra innings. --Casey Stengel Well, that's baseball. Rags to riches one day and riches to rags the next. But I've been in it thirty-six years and I'm used to it. --Casey Stengel We've (62 Mets) got to learn to stay out of triple plays. --Casey Stengel What do you (Mickey Mantle) think [demonstrating a play off Ebbets Field], I was born old? --Casey Stengel Why has our pitching been so great? Our catcher (Yogi Berra) that's why. He looks cumbersome but he's quick as a cat. --Casey Stengel You can't go out to the mound, hobbling and take a pitcher out with a cane. --Casey Stengel You got to get twenty-seven outs to win. --Casey Stengel You have to go broke three times to learn how to make a living. --Casey Stengel You have to have a catcher or you'll have all passed balls. --Casey Stengel You put the whammy on his butt when he's (Sandy Koufax) pitching, the whammy tends to go on vacation. --Casey Stengel I'll never forget September 6, 1950. I got a letter threatening me, Hank Bauer, Yogi Berra and Johnny Mize. It said if I showed up in uniform against the Red Sox I'd be shot. I turned the letter over to the FBI and told my manager Casey Stengel about it. You know what Casey did? He gave me a different uniform and gave mine to Billy Martin. Can you imagine that! Guess Casey thought it'd be better if Billy got shot. - Phil Rizzuto I'm probably the only guy who worked for Stengel before and after he was a genius. --Warren Spahn What country can preserve its liberties if its rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. --Thomas Jefferson to William Stephens Smith, 1787 ME 6:373, Papers 12:356 Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #10: You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #9: If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #8: The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #7: You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #6: It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #5: Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #4: If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #3: It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #2: Less guilt the morning after. Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex #1: You can do the *whole neighborhood* When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Blood flows down one leg and up the other. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Germinate: To become a naturalized German. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Liter: A nest of young puppies. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. --submitted to science and health teachers, Jr High thru college Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #1: You have a double-wide office chair to accommodate your growing Internet-lifestyle behind. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #2: You've legally changed your middle name to "dot," as in John.Doe. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #3: You're petitioning the Post Office to change your street address to an IP address. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #4: The homeless people in your neighborhood live in Gateway cow-print boxes. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #5: You use the phrase "dropped packets" to explain your state of mind, as in, "I'm dropping packets all over the place today." Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #6: The tattoos on your knuckles spell out "Born to Code." Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor license. --unknown I plan to consume as many Mai-tai's as possible in Hawaii, in the hope that I'll kill the portion of my brain which allows me to recall I ever took my current job. --unhappy employee On seeing a girl with a pierced tongue, he thought, "Just like Microsoft. Can't do the job right, so throw hardware at it." --Sean Reifschneider The reason that [the media] make up these horrific headlines... is just so they can sell f***ing papers. --Actor Jason Priestley, during a live interview on Fox News Channel, 20 Sep 2000 He's really jet-lagged. --Spokeswoman for Priestley, a short time later Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #1: Those nice people at QVC say you've reached your limit. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #2: Letterman's over, but you're still hanging out at Dave's Online Clubhouse. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #3: You never realized it before, but that Gilligan is one hot-looking fella. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #4: The toddler who woke you up is begging to go back to sleep. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #5: Following Martha Stewart's lead, you're painting your own toleware. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #6: You're taking notes during the infomercials. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #7: The drool trail's more than an inch long. Signs it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed #8: The TV's off, but you're still seeing pictures on the screen and hearing little voices. Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. --The Chartered Institution of C Programmers Hitting your workstation with an aluminum baseball bat is only going to get you electrocuted. Try a wooden one. --Lynn Marshall Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #7: You and your spouse celebrate your anniversary by logging on to the chat room where you first met. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #8: You haven't been outside in days because you work at home, all your friends are on ICQ, you can order all your food online, you've just downloaded a copy of "The Matrix," and you're waiting for your eBay auction to end. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #9: You have enough frequent flyer miles on your credit card to go around the world 11 times, but you haven't left your apartment in two years. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #10: You'll spend ten hours searching the Net for the perfect desktop icon, but going five steps down the street for food is too much bother. Why You Might Be Living an Internet Lifestyle #11: When your five-year-old daughter asks a question, you tell her to go "Ask Jeeves." Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant kind of like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? --David Broadfoot If my family didn't want me to write about them, they should've behaved better. --Anne Lamott It's no coincidence that people who blindly rely on computers and drugs are both called "users". --unknown "But minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams." "No, no. The Canadian government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions." --"South Park, Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" What would Brian Boitano do? --"South Park, Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. --Josef Stalin Voting Curse #1: May all of the pregnant, dimpled, hanging, two-corner, three-corner, and completely unfettered chads be transported to your house, along with an army of lawyers demanding endless recounts of your possessions. So in the future, one 'client' at a time or you'll be spending CPU time with lots of little 'child processes'. --Kevin Bealer, commenting on the private life of a Linux nerd Japan sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. They heard that our entire country can't get an election. Sounds like the guy was dropped as a baby, beaten up in grammar school, and caught his prom date doing another chick in the back seat of his car. --Gregg A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in minor matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than a riot. This symptom is especially serious in that an individual displaying it never thinks of it as a sign of ill health but as proof of his/her strength. --Robert A. Heinlein One of the big toys this year is the Al Gore doll. You wind it up and it refuses to count the votes of the GI Joe dolls. --Jay Leno If you think we can't vote, wait'll you see us drive. --new Florida slogan We count more than you do. --new Florida slogan If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. --new Florida slogan Relax, Retire, ReVote. --new Florida slogan Viagra voters do it again and again! --new Florida slogan Where your vote counts and counts and counts. --new Florida slogan This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. --new Florida slogan We're number one! Wait! Recount! --new Florida slogan Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice. --new Florida slogan Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles. --new Florida slogan If the Democrats wanted Gore to be President, they should have voted for impeachment. --overheard Q. What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy? A. After five weeks, the puppy will open its eyes and stop whining. This is boring! Now I know what people went through when my Bronco was going up the freeway. --O.J. Simpson on the presidential contest I'm not picking my nose, that's just chad. --Fox News reporter Carl Cameron's unintentional open mike report from Palm Beach There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out, it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. --Eric Bossard Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. --Homer Simpson We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. --sign at the electric company Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! --sign in a vet's waiting room No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. --sign at a muffler shop The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. --sign at a car dealership Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. --seen on a fence Time wounds all heels. --sign in a podiatrist's office We really know our stuff. --sign on a taxidermist's window If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. --sign at an optometrist's office Push. Push. Push. --sign on a maternity room door If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. --sign in a nonsmoking area Let us remove your shorts. --sign on an electrician's truck How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? --sign at a laundry shop Hello. Can we pick your nose? --sign at a plastic surgeon's office Invite us to your next blowout. --sign at a tire shop in Milwaukee 7 days without pizza makes one weak. --sign at a pizza shop Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. --plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania Thank heaven for little grills. --sign at a propane filling station Drive carefully. We'll wait. --sign in the front yard of a funeral home Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. --sign in a restaurant window To expedite your visit, please back in. --sign at a proctologist's door Yesterday's Meals on Wheels --sign on a septic tank truck Dr. Jones at your cervix. --sign over a gynecologist's office We repair what your husband fixed. --sign on a plumbers truck Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. --item for a lull in conversation Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. --item for a lull in conversation There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. --item for a lull in conversation The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. --item for a lull in conversation A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. --item for a lull in conversation There are more chickens than people in the world. --item for a lull in conversation Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. --item for a lull in conversation The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." --item for a lull in conversation On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. --item for a lull in conversation All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. --item for a lull in conversation No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. --item for a lull in conversation "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". --item for a lull in conversation All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. --item for a lull in conversation Almonds are a member of the peach family. --item for a lull in conversation Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. --item for a lull in conversation Maine is the only state where the name is just one syllable. --item for a lull in conversation There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. --item for a lull in conversation Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" --item for a lull in conversation A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. --item for a lull in conversation An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. --item for a lull in conversation Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. --item for a lull in conversation In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. --item for a lull in conversation Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. --item for a lull in conversation The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life." --item for a lull in conversation A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. --item for a lull in conversation A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. --item for a lull in conversation A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. --item for a lull in conversation It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. --item for a lull in conversation The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. --item for a lull in conversation In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. --item for a lull in conversation The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. --item for a lull in conversation Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister. --item for a lull in conversation The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. --item for a lull in conversation There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. --item for a lull in conversation No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. --Thomas Jefferson, proposed Virginia constitution, June 1776. Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334 (C. J. Boyd, Ed., 1950) Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man. --Thomas Jefferson, quoting 18th century criminologist Cesare Beccaria in On Crimes and Punishment, 1764 When the government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. --Thomas Jefferson And what country can preserve its liberties, if the rulers are not warned from time to time that this people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take up arms. The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. --Thomas Jefferson, Letter to William S. Smith, 1787 The Constitution of most of our states, and the United States, assert that all power is inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves: that it is their right and duty to be at all times armed; that they are entitled to freedom of person, freedom of religion, freedom of property, and freedom of the press. --Thomas Jefferson, Proposed Virginia Constitution, 1776 Among the natural rights of the colonists are these: first, a right to life, secondly to liberty, thirdly to property; together with the right to defend them in the best manner they can. --Samuel Adams The Constitution shall never be construed to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms. --Samuel Adams, During the Massachusetts US Constitution ratification convention, 1788 If you love wealth better than liberty, the tranquillity of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen. --Samuel Adams, 1776 Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. --Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), reply of the Pennsylvania Assembly to the governor, November 11, 1755 Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of Europe. the supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword; because the whole body of the people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any bands of regular troops that can be, on any pretense, raised in the United States. --Noah Webster, An Examination into the Leading Principles of the federal Constitution (1787) in Pamphlets to the Constitution of the United States (P. Ford, 1888). Arms in the hands of citizens may be used at the individual's discretion, in private self-defense. --John Adams, A Defense of the Constitutions of Government of the United States of America, 1787-88 The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed. --Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers at 184-8 A militia when properly formed are in fact the people themselves and include all men capable of bearing arms. To preserve liberty it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them. --Richard Henry Lee, Initiator of the Declaration of Independence, and member of the first Senate, which passed the Bill of Rights. Additional Letters From the Federal Farmer 53, 1788 Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined. --Patrick Henry, During Virginia's ratification convention, 1788 The great object is that every man be armed. Every man who is able may have a gun. --Patrick Henry, During Virginia's ratification convention, 1788 The Constitution preserves the advantage of being armed which Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation.. where the governments are afraid to trust the people with arms. --James Madison, Federalist #46 The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. A well-regulated militia, composed of the body of people, trained in arms, is the best and most natural defense of a free country. --James Madison, I Annuals of Congress 434 (June 8, 1789) I ask sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people. To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them. --George Mason, during Virginia's ratification convention, 1788 Arms discourage and keep the invader and plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property. Horrid mischief would ensue were the law-abiding deprived the use of them. --Thomas Paine, Thoughts on Defensive War, 1775 A free people ought to be armed. When firearms go, all goes, we need them by the hour. Firearms stand next to importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under independence. --George Washington, Boston Independence Chronicle, January 14, 1790 To ensure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle and pistol are equally indispensable. The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that is good. --George Washington, Federalist #53 The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile. --police quotes If you run, you'll only go to jail tired. --police quotes So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh? --police quotes Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor? --police quotes Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. --police quotes The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog? --police quotes Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven. --police quotes You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through. --police quotes If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document. --police quotes Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you. --police quotes In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC. --police quotes I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail. --police quotes You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here. --police quotes No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want. --police quotes Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had? --police quotes Don't shake too much when you run, don't wear false eyelashes in the water, and always smile. --Yasmine Bleeth, on the etiquette learned during her stint on "Baywatch" Fired because I fought for lower pay. --from a list of resume' blunders Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5". --from a list of resume' blunders Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10. --from a list of resume' blunders Qualifications: No education or experience. --from a list of resume' blunders I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy. --from a list of resume' blunders My compensation should be at least equal to my age. --from a list of resume' blunders Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI, and SEC. --from a list of resume' blunders Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near. --from a list of resume' blunders Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting. (Translation: Short-order cook) --from a list of resume' blunders How complicated and mysterious he is. He's also a pseudo-intellectual, which is really interesting. --actress Melanie Griffith, when asked what she loves about her husband Antonio Banderas I probably wouldn't need any help, since I'm a member of MENSA. --Geena Davis, when asked who she would choose as a lifeline if she were a contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor called, said Pabst beer is normal" --unknown $:-o I'm an Elvis impersonator, thankyaverymuch. ____ ~o/ I'm Olga Korbut on the uneven parallel bars. |== o__, <| Talk to the hand! /\ :-.) Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford. &:-) I'm having a really bad hair day. =8-} I'm Drew Carey. My kid got your honor student pregnant --bumper sticker Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one --bumper sticker Ax me about Ebonics --bumper sticker Cat: The other white meat --bumper sticker Saw it, wanted it, had a fit, got it --bumper sticker My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom --bumper sticker So you're a feminist. Isn't that precious. --bumper sticker I went on a space vacation and all I got was this lousy incremental bone loss. --Space shuttle souvenir T-shirt When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? --dog letters to God If a dog barks his head off in the forrest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? --dog letters to God When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk. What's he been rolling in? --dog letters to God Is it true in heaven dining room tables have on-ramps? --dog letters to God If we come back as humans is that good or bad? --dog letters to God More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. --dog letters to God When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? --dog letters to God Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street. --dog letters to God Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? --dog letters to God Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what not to order? Or is it the carpets again? --dog letters to God The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors? --dog letters to God Gingko Viagra: to help you remember what the f*** you're doing. One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them. --Thomas Sowell Games for when you're old #9: Spin the Bottle of Mylanta Games for when you're old #8: Hide and go pee Games for when you're old #7: Simon says something incoherent Games for when you're old #6: Doc Goose Games for when you're old #5: Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over Games for when you're old #4: Kick the bucket Games for when you're old #3: 20 questions shouted into your good ear Games for when you're old #2: Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. Games for when you're old #1: Sag, you're it! You know you're old when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. You know you're old when "getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today. You know you're old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it. Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure. --Albert Einstein Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell --sign on a drive-through confessional Don't try to out-weird me. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. --Button seen at I-CON XVII The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. --William Ellery Channing As I've gotten older, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. --unknown As I've gotten older, I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. --unknown When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. --unknown If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. --unknown It's mathematical: (uNsTable - NT) = usable. --Mike Hall Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long, sir." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" Caddy: "I doubt it, sir, that would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course". Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time." Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir; it's a compass." Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #1: Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #2: Ooooh, you are so *cute* when you get all pissed off. Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #3: You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread. Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #4: Oh, I understand now. What time of the month is it? Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #5: You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #6: Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #7: Time out, honey, football's on. Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #8: Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning. Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #9: Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Things you should never say to a woman during an argument #10: Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded. Handy engineering conversions: Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi Handy engineering conversions: 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton Handy engineering conversions: 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope Handy engineering conversions: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond Handy engineering conversions: Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Handy engineering conversions: Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong Handy engineering conversions: 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Handy engineering conversions: Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon Handy engineering conversions: 1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz Handy engineering conversions: Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Handy engineering conversions: Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line Handy engineering conversions: 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake Handy engineering conversions: 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone Handy engineering conversions: 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles Handy engineering conversions: 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds Handy engineering conversions: 365.25 days = 1 unicycle Handy engineering conversions: 52 cards = 1 decacards Handy engineering conversions: 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton Handy engineering conversions: 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen Handy engineering conversions: 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche Handy engineering conversions: 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin Handy engineering conversions: 10 rations = 1 decoration Handy engineering conversions: 100 rations = 1 C-ration Handy engineering conversions: 2 monograms = 1 diagram Handy engineering conversions: 8 nickels = 2 paradigms Handy engineering conversions: 100 Senators = Not 1 decision Handy engineering conversions: 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 light-year Handy engineering conversions: 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. --Murphy's Laws of Combat A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The easy way is always mined. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Incoming fire has the right of way. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If the enemy is within range, so are you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Tracers work both ways. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. --Murphy's Laws of Combat When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Military Intelligence is a contradiction. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Weather ain't neutral. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. --Murphy's Laws of Combat 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Napalm is an area support weapon. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Mines are equal opportunity weapons. --Murphy's Laws of Combat B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The one item you need is always in short supply. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Interchangeable parts aren't. --Murphy's Laws of Combat It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. --Murphy's Laws of Combat When in doubt, empty your magazine. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. --Murphy's Laws of Combat You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The side with the simplest uniform wins. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games? --Murphy's Laws of Combat How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another? --Murphy's Laws of Combat Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside? --Murphy's Laws of Combat Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor -- how do you think we got them so cheap? --Murphy's Laws of Combat The peak of Mt Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Markets are self-correcting. That's why I trust markets more than governments. Governments usually aren't self-correcting until too late. --Interview with Walter Wriston as reported in Wired 4.10 The bearing of arms is the essential medium through which the individual asserts both his social power and his participation in politics as a responsible moral being... --J.G.A. Pocock, describing the beliefs of the founders of the USA The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I have learned there is little difference in spouses, you might as well keep the first. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven languages. My date took me horseback riding. It was fun until we ran out of quarters. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Women should not have children after 35. 35 kids are enough. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was, surrounded by trees and bushes. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been. The developers' kit for Windows 95 came out on 12 CDs. The entire human genome fits on one CD. You can't tell me [software] needs to be that complicated. --Jim Kent, UCSC doctoral candidate working on the Human Genome Project I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon wasn't free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. --Jack Handy He came racing up on our yard and we ran and ran. Thank goodness nobody was home to beef to. Both my folks worked. --Bill Clinton on how he got away with throwing rocks at cars when he was a child. I calculated that for every dollar I made on a book, I'd have to spend $2 on therapy for just reliving it, so I'm not writing a book. --Joe Lockhart, former Clinton spokesman, scuttling talk of writing a tell-all book Timothy McVeigh was voted off the planet! McVeigh refused to meet with his lawyer on the day of his execution. I guess he knew he'd be meeting enough of them later on. --Jay Leno Americans have confused tolerance and relativism; often, they assume that tolerance means not merely respecting people's right to their opinions but refusing to make any reasoned judgments about those opinions. --William Bennett If you teach a child how to use a condom, you're promoting safety, not usage. Why, then, doesn't the same logic apply to guns? --Michelle Malkin The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. --Douglas Adams In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. --Thomas Jefferson, 1814 I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. --Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. --New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl. --Joe Jacobi, Redskins To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too. --Response by Raider's Matt Millen Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. --Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996 I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes. --Senior basketball player, University of Pittsburgh You guys line up alphabetically by height. --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton. --Boxing promoter Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes. --Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. --Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece I've won at every level, except college and pro. --Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is. --Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play. --Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992 My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. --Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice I'm not allowed to comment on lousy, no good officiating. --Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs It's basically the same, just darker. --Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. --Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote I told him, "Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?" He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care." --Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player I can go to my left or right, I'm amphibious. --Charles Shackelford, NC State Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject. --Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, to a player who received four F's and one D Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye. --Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son. --updated nursery rhymes Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down on top of Jill and now they have a daughter. --updated nursery rhymes Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread. --updated nursery rhymes Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn. --updated nursery rhymes Simple Simon met a Pieman Going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon, "Pies, dumbass!" --updated nursery rhymes There was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very very good. But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a new car... --updated nursery rhymes Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men Had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast. --updated nursery rhymes Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock. the clock struck one, and the others got away with minor injuries. --updated nursery rhymes Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle all over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun Then it died of electric shock. --updated nursery rhymes Mary had a little lamb, that walked into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's bum, And turned its wool to nylon. --updated nursery rhymes Georgie Porgy pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. --updated nursery rhymes I'm not the person your mother warned you about. Her imagination isn't that good. --Amy Gorin The New Geek Dating Game: Our three bachelorettes, Lara Croft, Aki Ross of "Final Fantasy," and Carmen Sandiego, try to distinguish 12-year-old boys from wealthy 30-somethings in an AOL chat room. "Vultures... flesh-eating bacteria... Microsoft." "I know! Things that devour other things!" --heard on "The New Geek $100,000 Pyramid" Q. Why did the melon get married in a church? A. She can't elope. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. A few years ago, Louis Farrakhan organized the Million Man March. I dream about holding National Boycott Stupidity Day and getting the same kind of turnout -- throngs of citizens tired of popular culture's celebration of idiocy and ignorance as greater virtues than logical analysis and knowledgeable discourse. --Bob Lewis, columnist During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act. --George Orwell In my humble opinion, law schools teach students how to lie to one person at a time, while journalism schools teach students how to lie to everybody at once. --Norman Liebmann The Group of Eight Summit was besieged Friday by thousands of rioters who looted local stores. It was ugly. Store fronts were smashed and computers came flying out of several offices, but then no one's happy with the new Windows 2000. --Argus Hamilton Suggested names for Walmart Wine #15: Box O' Grapes Suggested names for Walmart Wine #14: Chateau Traileur Doublewide Suggested names for Walmart Wine #13: White Trashfindel Suggested names for Walmart Wine #12: Big Red Gulp Suggested names for Walmart Wine #11: Grape Expectations Suggested names for Walmart Wine #10: Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays" Suggested names for Walmart Wine #9: NASCARbernet Suggested names for Walmart Wine #8: Chef Boyardeaux Suggested names for Walmart Wine #7: Peanut Noir Suggested names for Walmart Wine #6: Stagger Home Suggested names for Walmart Wine #5: Chateau des Moines Suggested names for Walmart Wine #4: Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes Suggested names for Walmart Wine #3: I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! Suggested names for Walmart Wine #2: World Championship Wriesling Suggested names for Walmart Wine #1: Nasti Spumante You know you've joined a cheap HMO if your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." You know you've joined a cheap HMO if the tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if the only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if the only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day." You know you've joined a cheap HMO if your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if the only expense covered 100% is embalming. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if your Prozac comes in different colors with little "m's" on them. You know you've joined a cheap HMO if you ask for Viagra and you get a Popsicle stick with duct tape. If men ruled the world #1: The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. If men ruled the world #2: Birth control would come in ale or lager. If men ruled the world #3: Tanks would be far easier to rent. If men ruled the world #4: Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." If men ruled the world #5: "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. If men ruled the world #6: Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. If men ruled the world #7: When your wife really needed to talk to you during the game, she would type into a little box in the corner of the screen. If men ruled the world #8: Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. If men ruled the world #9: The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. If men ruled the world #10: It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. If men ruled the world #11: Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "Public Ugliness" ordinance. If men ruled the world #12: Instead of wasting money on an expensive engagement ring, your fiancee would get a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" If men ruled the world #13: Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. If men ruled the world #14: The 'Cops' program would be broadcast live so that you could phone in advice to the cops -- or crooks. If men ruled the world #15: People would never again talk about how fresh they felt. If men ruled the world #16: Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. If men ruled the world #17: The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a different camera angle. If men ruled the world #18: It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. If men ruled the world #19: Every man would receive three "get out of jail free" cards per year. If men ruled the world #20: The Statue of Liberty would be nude. Do fish say "Dam!" when they hit a concrete wall? Do pampered cows give spoiled wilk? What kind of coffee was served on the titanic? Sanka. What goes "clop, clop, clop, BANG, clop, clop, clop"? An Amish drive-by shooting. How are a Texas tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. Linux is like wigwam: no windows, no gates, Apache inside. --Brian Hatch The most basic moral/ethical question is who gets to use force, and when. --Eric Raymond One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said? --US TV commentator Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him. --New Zealand Rugby commentator This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing. --Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. --Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off! --Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992 I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. --Winston Bennett, ex-NBA player The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. --Murray Walker, racing commentator I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. --Greg Norman Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. --Alan Minter The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball. --John Francombe If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. --Terry Venables I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. --Ron Atkinson He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it; you can see it all over their faces. --Ron Atkinson Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew. --Harry Carpenter, BBC TV Boat Race, 1977 Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres. --David Coleman Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. --Metro Radio sports commentator ... and later we will have action from the men's coxless pairs... --Sue Barker Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw. --Ron Atkinson Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. --David Acfield, football commentator What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football? --Stuart Hall, Radio 5 live There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class. --David Coleman, Montreal Olympics Don't cry, there's enough water in the goulash already. --Jimmy Cagney Microsoft and Burger King introduce The Whopper XP: You can have it our way, since the pickles are embedded in every burger. --High-tech ad partnerships from hell Microsoft and McDonalds: Over 20 billion served, whether you like it or not. --High-tech ad partnerships from hell Talk about ironic: the same people always urging us to not blame the victim in rape cases are now saying Uncle Sam wore a short skirt and asked for it. --Jonathan Alter Moderation in war is imbecility. --Admiral John Fisher The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable -- even necessary -- that may have been in enforcing good behavior on primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive. Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled, sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based on superstition. --Arthur C. Clarke It's a mistake to ask where the lemming in front of you just disappeared to, and run to catch up to him. --Russell Nelson Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant. He cannot rightfully be compelled to do or forbear because it will be better for him to do so, because it will make him happier, because, in the opinions of others, to do so would be wise, or even right. These are good reasons for remonstrating with him, or reasoning with him, or persuading him, or entreating him, but not for compelling him, or visiting him with any evil in case he do otherwise. Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign. --John Stuart Mill For mere vengeance I would do nothing. This nation is too great to look for mere revenge. But for the security of the future I would do everything. --James A. Garfield Birds of a feather flock together and usually crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Remember, when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS". Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #8: Lighting up in a smoke-free cave Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #7: Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #6: Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #5: Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #4: After President Bush speech, remarking, "You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane" Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #3: Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #2: Parking your camel in the Supreme Leader's space Letterman's Top 10 things that will get you booted from the Taliban #1: Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, "Earl" The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving. --Ulysses S. Grant We've got to teach history based not on what's in fashion but what's important: Why the Pilgrims came here, who Jimmy Doolittle was, and what those thirty seconds over Tokyo meant. --Ronald Reagan The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility, and vice versa. --Robert A. Heinlein I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of freedoms of the people by gradual and silent encroachment of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations. --James Madison, Founding Father, US President I'm walking home from school, and I'm watching some men building a new house, and the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code. --Emo Philips Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last. --Winston Churchill When Hitler attacked the Jews I was not a Jew, therefore I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the Catholics, I was not a Catholic, and therefore, I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the unions and the industrialists, I was not a member of the unions and I was not concerned. Then Hitler attacked me and the Protestant church - and there was nobody left to be concerned. --Martin Niemoller, Congressional Record, 14 October 1968, p31636 If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free state. --Thomas Jefferson Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you're run over by a steamroller. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. --Washington Post "alternate definitions" contest If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. --Scott Adams, "Dilbert" A rattlesnake loose in the living room tends to end all discussion of animal rights. --Time magazine's Lance Morrow on Middle East relations after 9/11 For a religion that is said to respect human rights and equality, Islam does a rather thorough job of trampling the former and denying the latter, from Africa's west coast to East Asia. While they're voluble in demanding tolerance for their faith, when it comes to the suffering of minorities in Islamic countries, American Moslems are mute. --Don Feder The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. --Bruce Ediger on computer interfaces Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was really hot in bed last night. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. --actual comment on hospital chart On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. --actual comment on hospital chart The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. --actual comment on hospital chart The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. --actual comment on hospital chart Discharge status: alive but without my permission. --actual comment on hospital chart Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. --actual comment on hospital chart The patient refused autopsy. --actual comment on hospital chart The patient has no previous history of suicides. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. --actual comment on hospital chart She is numb from the toes down. --actual comment on hospital chart While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. --actual comment on hospital chart The skin was moist and dry. --actual comment on hospital chart Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient was alert and unresponsive. --actual comment on hospital chart Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. --actual comment on hospital chart She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. --actual comment on hospital chart I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. --actual comment on hospital chart Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. --actual comment on hospital chart Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. --actual comment on hospital chart The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. --actual comment on hospital chart The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. --actual comment on hospital chart Skin: somewhat pale but present. --actual comment on hospital chart The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. __, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. --actual comment on hospital chart Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. --actual comment on hospital chart Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities --actual comment on hospital chart No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced. He felt that institutions such as schools, churches, governments and political organizations of every sort all tended to direct thought for ends other than truth, for the perpetuation of their own functions and for the control of individuals in the service of these functions. --Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do. --Aristotle "A free people ought to be armed..." --George Washington, speech of January 7, 1790, Boston Independent Chronicle, January 14, 1790 Firmness based on strong defense capability is not provocative. Weakness can be provocative simply because it is tempting to a nation whose imperialist ambitions extend to the ends of the earth. --Ronald Reagan We seem not to have learned a basic lesson of history: Capitalism harnesses self-interest; socialism exhausts itself trying to kill it. --Linda Bowles Nothing opens the closed minds of college administrators more than the sounds of pocketbooks snapping shut. --Walter Williams I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging. Fortunately it's my portrait. --Gee Dubya at the Texas Capitol unveiling of his official gubernatorial portrait Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. --P.J. O'Rourke [NYC] Mayor Bloomberg has announced that he thinks the city should cut the pay of the firefighters and police department. This guy is a public relations genius. --David Letterman The FBI said the white powder in an envelope mailed to Tom Daschle last week was only talcum powder. The letter writer was just trying to be helpful. The Democrats have been chafing like mad since President Bush's approval rating hit 90 percent. --Argus Hamilton It is a general popular error to suppose the loudest complainers for the public to be the most anxious for its welfare. --Edmund Burke He who puts up with insult invites injury. --Jewish Proverb The people never give up their liberties, but under some delusion. --Edmund Burke If the American people ever allow the banks to control the issuance of their currency, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers occupied. --Thomas Jefferson In my long political career, the one thing I genuinely regret is my part in getting the banking and currency legislation enacted into law. --William Jennings Bryan, Democratic Party Whip during the passage of the Federal Reserve Act A great industrial nation is controlled by its system of credit. Our system of credit is concentrated in the Federal Reserve System. The growth of the nation, therefore, and all our activities are in the hands of a few men. We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated governments in the civilized world -- no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of small groups of dominant men. --President Woodrow Wilson, three years after signing the Federal Reserve Act into law This act establishes the most gigantic trust on earth. When the president signs the bill, the invisible government by the monetary power will be legalized. The worst legislative crime of the ages is perpetrated by this banking and currency bill. The caucus and the party bosses have again operated and prevented the people from getting the benefits of their own government. --Rep. Charles Lindbergh Sr., on the passage of the Federal Reserve Act We pass worthy laws through the House and Senate, and the president signs. We attach a large penalty for violation and congratulate ourselves that we have expressed the will of the people in laws. But you, the Federal Reserve banking system, you hold in your hand a mightier power, the power of money; for by this power you control God Almighty's first law, the law of self-preservation. You, by the power of money, can turn back the clock of time from civilization to dark past. For no power on Earth to man for evil or for good can equal the power of money. --Rep. Charles G. Binderup (D-Neb.), on the floor of the House, Oct 6 1938 Mr. Chairman, we have in this country one of the most corrupt institutions the world has ever known. I refer to the Federal Reserve Board and the Federal Reserve banks. The Federal Reserve Board has cheated the government of the United States out of enough money to pay the national debt. --Rep. Louis T. McFadden, during the Great Depression The best defense against usurpatory government is an assertive citizenry. --William F. Buckley We are all free to go beyond the requirements of ethics at any time. But that excess of 'goodness' doesn't create ethical obligations for other people. --Carlton Vogt, Infoworld "Ethics Matters" columnist, talking about the limitations of the Golden Rule I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so depressed that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Remember: "silly" is a state of mind, "stupid" is a way of life. --Dave Butler I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going. --Lord Birkett 1883-1962 Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes (Translation: If you can read this, you're overeducated) In one century we went from teaching Latin and Greek in high school to offering remedial English in college. --Joseph Sobran Immigration policy must now be considered a matter of national security. America has the same sovereign right to defend itself against enemies when the enemy attacks us from within. --Rep. Ron Paul Liberals love victims. They just don't have much emotional energy left over to be certain that sound results are achieved (from the perspective of the needy). In fact, when people actually become less needy, liberals lose their reason for being, and their base of support. --Michael Novak The fashionable idiocy that haters must have justifications is one of those ideas that George Orwell said only an intellectual could believe, because no one else could be such a fool. --Thomas Sowell Neither philosophy, nor religion, nor morality, nor wisdom, nor interest will ever govern nations or parties against their vanity, their pride, their resentment or revenge, or their avarice or ambition. Nothing but force and power and strength can restrain them. --John Adams Minimizing the consequences of folly maximizes the amount of folly. --George Will I'm starting to like muggers more than congressmen. At least the muggers don't claim they're doing you a favor. --Paul Jacob After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it. --William Burroughs It's hard to find people in society who can administer UNIX and professionally carry a weapon. --Jim Williams, former FBI Computer Intrusion Squad agent Nor is the people's judgment always true: the most may err as grossly as the few. --John Dryden It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country. --William J. Durant Gun control? It's the best thing you can do for crooks and gangsters. I want you to have nothing. If I'm a bad guy, I'm always gonna have a gun. Safety locks? You will pull the trigger with a lock on, and I'll pull the trigger. We'll see who wins. --Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, mob informant "It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." --Rocky and Bullwinkle Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases. --Thomas Jefferson There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." --Dave Barry When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. --Dave Barry When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. --Dave Barry You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. --Dave Barry There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. --Dave Barry The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers. --Dave Barry A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. --Dave Barry Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark, and a large group of professionals built the Titanic. --Dave Barry I had one guy from the FDA tell me "if we wanted to make carrots (be) against the law, we could do it." --Kerry Nielson, former director of operations at Sunrider International, discussing the 1985 FDA raid of his company The difference between a duck and a copilot? The duck can fly. It only takes two things to fly: airspeed and money. The three most dangerous things in aviation: * A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna. * Two captains in a DC-9. * A flight attendant with a chipped tooth. Aircraft identification: * If it's ugly, it's British * If it's weird, it's French. * If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian. Without ammo, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club. The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time. The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the ATC screws up, the pilot dies. The difference between flight attendants and jet engines? The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate. New FAA motto: "We're not happy until *you're* not happy." A copilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner. Basic Flying Rules: * Try to stay in the middle of the air. * Do not go near the edges, it's much more difficult to fly there. * The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. Unknown ATC to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is." If both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If the enemy is in range, so are you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never assume your opponent is out of ammo. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Once you've secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. --Murphy's Laws of Combat One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either. --Murphy's Laws of Combat It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Neutral countries aren't. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The easy way is always mined. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The trucks will be on the drop zone. --Murphy's Laws of Combat There's no such thing as "unfair advantage." --Murphy's Laws of Combat Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (1) when you're ready for them and (2) when you're not. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No plan survives the first contact intact. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection. --Murphy's Laws of Combat No inspection ready unit ever passed combat. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Communications will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. --Murphy's Laws of Combat To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Suppression fire won't. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy other people to shoot at. --Murphy's Laws of Combat A grenade with a 7-second fuse will always burn down in four seconds. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN! --Murphy's Laws of Combat Drop the one with the shotgun first. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you can't remember, then the Claymore IS pointed at you. --Murphy's Laws of Combat It's not the one with your name on it, it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" that you should be worried about. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Mines are an equal opportunity weapon. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Odd objects attract fire. Never lurk behind one. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Smart bombs have bad days too. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The crucial round is a dud. --Murphy's Laws of Combat The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. --Murphy's Laws of Combat There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you and miss. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Tracers work BOTH ways. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. --Murphy's Laws of Combat You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Air defense motto: shoot 'em all down; sort 'em out on the ground. --Murphy's Laws of Combat B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If at first you don't succeed, call in an air-strike. --Murphy's Laws of Combat When in doubt, empty your magazine. --Murphy's Laws of Combat I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS. --Robert Bakker, paleontologist In a recent conversation with an official at the Internal Revenue Service, I was amazed when he told me that "If the taxpayers of this country ever discover that the IRS operates on 90% bluff, the entire system will collapse." --Henry Bellmon, Senator (1969) We are in the process of creating what deserves to be called the idiot culture. Not an idiot sub-culture, which every society has bubbling beneath the surface and which can provide harmless fun; but the culture itself. For the first time, the weird and the stupid and the coarse are becoming our cultural norm, even our cultural ideal. --Carl Bernstein We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. --sign at a towing company If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious sperm out of hundreds of millions. We have now sunk to a depth at which restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men. --George Orwell Justice Department studies show that armed citizens are much less likely to suffer losses or personal injury from thieves. --The Washington Post, January 7, 1992 Civil liberty can be established on no foundation of human reason which will not at the same time demonstrate the right to religious freedom. --John Quincy Adams The belief that public opinion or international public opinion, unbacked by force, had the slightest effect in restraining a powerful military nation in any course of action ... has been shown to be a pathetic fallacy. --Theodore Roosevelt Law not served by power is an illusion; but power not ruled by law is a menace which our nuclear age cannot afford. --Arthur J. Goldberg There is nothing that makes more cowards and feeble men than public opinion. --Henry Ward Beecher It is sad that being a good patriot often means being the enemy of the rest of mankind. --Voltaire We do not admire a man of timid peace. --Theodore Roosevelt Self-government means self-support. --Calvin Coolidge If crime and disease are to be regarded as the same thing, it follows that any state of mind which our masters choose to call "disease" can be treated as a crime, and compulsorily cured. --C.S. Lewis The "lesson of appeasement" is not that appeasement is futile. Appeasement is not futile, it is dangerous -- appeasement doesn't merely fail to prevent catastrophe, it provokes catastrophe. --David Gelernter In the reported words of one survivor of the Holocaust, when asked what lesson he had taken from his experience of the 1940s, "If someone tells you that he intends to kill you, believe him". --Wall Street Journal Well, you've heard our news reports, now what are the facts concerning Anaconda? --ABC's Sam Donaldson to Gen. Tommy Franks If nearly two-thirds of the Arabic world believe that Arabs were not involved in 9/11, why should any American believe anything that two out of three people from that region say? --Victor Davis Hanson To put it in philosophical terms, why not nuke the bastards? Why should American lives be sacrificed in land battles if this terrorist cancer could be treated with a little radioactive therapy? --Paul Greenberg As long as Russia didn't back the Arabs, Saudi Arabia could be occupied in about five minutes by Papua-New Guinea, the Boy Scouts, or three Marines. --Fred Reed Debate: What you load de question with to catch de opponent. --Johnny Hart in the comic strip "B.C." A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can still use the plane. --Rules of the Air #8 After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away from the people who didn't do it. --William Burroughs Since 1934, only one legally owned machine gun has been used in a crime of murder, and a law enforcement officer committed that crime. --The History Channel, "Modern Marvels, Weapons at War: The Machine Gun" America has many more guns than England, and a lower violent crime rate. Switzerland has many more guns than Germany, and a lower violent crime rate. England had much less crime in 1900, when the nation had no gun laws, than it does in 2000, when England has some of the most repressive gun laws in Europe. Gun prohibition leads to boldness by criminals, and passivity by the innocent - and therefore to many more violent crimes committed against the innocent. --David B. Kopel, in an interview with Carlo Stagnaro for Zola Times, Oct 23, 2000 Since Florida has enacted their concealed carry law, the Florida murder rate has dropped by 29%. Nationwide, the murder rate rose 11% over the same period. --ABC News, March 12, 1995, reporting on 1994 FBI crime statistics One of the shrewdest ways for human predators to conquer their stronger victims is to steadily convince them with propaganda that they're still free. --Dr. N. A. Scott We won't dispassionately investigate or rationally debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalisation. We'd rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill. --P. J. O'Rourke Single acts of tyranny may be ascribed to the accidental opinion of a day; but a series of oppressions, begun at a distinguished period, and pursued unalterably thro' every change of ministers, too plainly prove a deliberate, systematical plan of reducing us to slavery. --Thomas Jefferson, July 1774, Papers 1:121-135, A Summary View of the Rights of British America We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security. --Dwight D. Eisenhower Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. --Robert Heinlein Of all tyrannies a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. --C.S. Lewis When a well-packaged web of lies has been sold gradually to the masses over generations, the truth will seem utterly preposterous and its speaker a raving lunatic. --Dresden James Things we'd love to say at work #1: I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. Things we'd love to say at work #2: I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Things we'd love to say at work #3: I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. Things we'd love to say at work #4: How do I set a laser printer to stun? Things we'd love to say at work #5: I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid. Things we'd love to say at work #6: You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Things we'd love to say at work #7: Thanks, we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. Things we'd love to say at work #8: The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist. Things we'd love to say at work #9: What am I, flypaper for freaks? Things we'd love to say at work #10: I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. Things we'd love to say at work #11: Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. Things we'd love to say at work #12: Did you dress like that on purpose, or did you roll around in the hamper until something stuck? Things we'd love to say at work #13: Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Things we'd love to say at work #14: Chaos, panic and disorder; my work here is done. Things we'd love to say at work #15: I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's a long word that's hard to pronounce. Things we'd love to say at work #16: How about never? Is never good for you? Things we'd love to say at work #17: It's nice to see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself. Things we'd love to say at work #18: I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Things we'd love to say at work #19: Ah, I see the f*ck-up fairy paid us another visit. Things we'd love to say at work #20: Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Things we'd love to say at work #21: I don't work here. I'm just a consultant. Things we'd love to say at work #22: I think it's English, it sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Things we'd love to say at work #23: I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. Things we'd love to say at work #24: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Things we'd love to say at work #25: I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about your competence. Things we'd love to say at work #26: Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. Things we'd love to say at work #27: Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Things we'd love to say at work #28: It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Things we'd love to say at work #29: And just what would your crybaby whiny-ass opinion be? Things we'd love to say at work #30: Do I look like a people person? Things we'd love to say at work #31: This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting. Things we'd love to say at work #32: I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Things we'd love to say at work #33: If I throw a stick, will you leave? Things we'd love to say at work #34: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Things we'd love to say at work #35: Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Things we'd love to say at work #36: I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Things we'd love to say at work #37: A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Things we'd love to say at work #38: Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? Things we'd love to say at work #39: I'm going to pop out for some lunch. If I can't then I have to resort to cannibalism, and dealing with HR afterwards is a headache I just don't need. Among the many misdeeds of British rule in India, history will look upon the Act which deprived a whole nation of arms as the blackest. --Mahatma Gandhi, An Autobiography, p446 The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism. --Hermann Goering How about trying it with your tongue stuck in the hard drive? --ctcgag@hotmail.com, in response to an apparently offensive test suggestion in the perl-users mailing list Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy those are who already possess it. --Francois de La Rochefoucauld When money is going down in value, you want to have it in something besides a bank. --Will Rogers I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.' --unknown If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. --Paul Newman The Palestinian strategy will continue to work until the Western governments, and this means mostly the United States, back away and allow Israel to teach the terrorists, and those who harbor terrorists, that acts have consequences, and mortal acts have mortal consequences. --Wesley Pruden Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #9: Short-sheeted burqas Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #8: A fake beard over your real beard Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #7: Saying you're wife #4, when you're really wife #2 Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #6: Offering someone a can of peanut brittle and a goat jumps out Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #5: Painting giant bull's-eye on roof of friend's cave Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #4: Rocket launchers that shoot out little flag that reads "Bang" Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #3: Replacing secret stockpiles of weaponized Anthrax with Folger's Crystals Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #2: Writing "Wash me" on Osama's camel Letterman's Top April Fool's Pranks in Afghanistan #1: Writing "Wash me" on Osama All societies must be governed in some way or other. The less they may have stringent state government, the more they must have individual self-government. Men, in a word, must necessarily be controlled either by a power within them, or by a power without them. --Robert C. Winthrop Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. --Dave Barry Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. --Franklin Jones I wonder what goes through a dog's mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. --Penny Ward Moser A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. --Robert Benchley No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. --Fran Lebowitz I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. --Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. --Joe Weinstein Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. --Ann Landers Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! --Anne Tyler If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. --James Thurber Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert Heinlein Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a good thing. Fleas are interested in dogs. --P. J. O'Rourke If it is believed that... elementary schools will be better managed by the governor and council, the commissioners of the literary fund or any other general authority of the government than by the parents within each ward, it is a belief against all experience. Try the principle one step further, and... commit to the governor and council the management of all our farms, our mills and merchants' stores... No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government is not to trust it all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly the functions he is competent to. --Thomas Jefferson Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #1: You find a .22 buried in the litter box Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #2: "Fluffy" has been scratched into your will Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #3: As he rubs against your leg, you feel the sting of a hypodermic needle Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #4: The threatening meows on your answering machine Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #5: He's on the episode of Springer titled "I Want My Owner Dead" Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #6: He's been seen hanging out with the dog who's trying to kill you Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #7: Newspaper calls to confirm obituary for next week, "Hated pet owner meets violent end" Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #8: Top step of basement stairs is covered with slippery layer of Fancy Feast Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #9: To tune of Meow Mix song sings, "Kill kill kill kill, kill kill kill kill" Letterman's top signs your cat is trying to kill you #10: You overheard him on the phone with Robert Blake's cat A strict observance of the written law is doubtless one of the high duties of a good citizen, but it is not the highest. The laws of necessity, of self-preservation, of saving our country when in danger, are of higher obligation. --Thomas Jefferson Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Hateful Little Dog. --actual classified ad Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog --actual classified ad Free Puppies: Part German Shepherd, Part Stupid Dog --actual classified ad German Shepherd 85 lbs, neutered, speaks German. Free. --actual classified ad Full sized mattress. 20 yr. warranty. Like new, slight urine smell. --actual classified ad For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer, no longer needed. Got married last weekend, wife knows everything. --actual classified ad Faith is a cop-out. It is intellectual bankruptcy. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits. --Dan Barker, Former evangelist, author, critic Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --Laurence J. Peter Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. --Robert A. Heinlein Your file was so big. It might have been quite useful. But now it is gone. --Zen error messages in Haiku The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. --Zen error messages in Haiku Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. --Zen error messages in Haiku Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. --Zen error messages in Haiku Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. --Zen error messages in Haiku Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. --Zen error messages in Haiku First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully. --Zen error messages in Haiku With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. --Zen error messages in Haiku The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. --Zen error messages in Haiku Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. --Zen error messages in Haiku A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. --Zen error messages in Haiku Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Only one has occurred. --Zen error messages in Haiku You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. --Zen error messages in Haiku Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. --Zen error messages in Haiku Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. --Zen error messages in Haiku Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. --Zen error messages in Haiku My time is not yours; You do not know my schedule; Make a damn ticket --IT help desk haiku The contest, for ages, has been to rescue liberty from the grasp of executive power. --Daniel Webster Nowadays, for the sake of the advantage which is to be gained from the public revenues and from office, men want to be always in office. --Aristotle Those who generate spam ought to suffer some appropriate punishment in the hereafter - perhaps having a demon devoted to stuffing flaming pine cones up their personal inbox. --Associated Press article, 7/22/2002 Bodacious ta-tas My kingdom for her outfit Hail, sweater kittens! --haiku for Britney Spears Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have with dinner. Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. --how to survive a horror movie Never read a book on demon-summoning aloud. Even as a joke. --how to survive a horror movie Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. --how to survive a horror movie Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society. --how to survive a horror movie As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. --how to survive a horror movie If you're searching for the cause of a ghastly noise and find out that it's not the cat, leave the area immediately. --how to survive a horror movie If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. --how to survive a horror movie Do not take anything from the dead. --how to survive a horror movie If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint. --how to survive a horror movie Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're *really* sure you know what you're doing. --how to survive a horror movie Avoid certain geographical locations, including the following: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, remote jungles in Central America, upscale subdivisions built on old cemetaries, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. --how to survive a horror movie If you run out of gas at night on a lonely road, do NOT go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. --how to survive a horror movie Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions. --how to survive a horror movie If you hear a voice telling you to get out, then get out. --how to survive a horror movie 1971: skinny dipping 2021: chunky dunking 1971: Long hair 2021: Longing for hair 1971: The perfect high 2021: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1971: KEG 2021: EKG 1971: Acid rock 2021: Acid reflux 1971: Moving to California because it's cool 2021: Moving to California because it's warm 1971: Growing pot 2021: Growing pot belly 1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2021: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1971: Seeds and stems 2021: Roughage 1971: Popping pills, smoking joints 2021: Popping joints 1971: Killer weed 2021: Weed killer 1971: Hoping for a BMW 2021: Hoping for a BM 1971: The Grateful Dead 2021: Dr. Kevorkian 1971: Going to a new, hip joint 2021: Receiving a new hip joint 1971: Rolling Stones 2021: Kidney Stones 1971: Disco 2021: Costco 1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2021: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1971: Taking acid 2021: Taking antacid 1971: Passing the drivers' test 2021: Passing the vision test 1971: Whatever 2021: Depends BLAME STORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Annoying entertainment and media spectacles that you can't stop watching. The O.J. trials were a prime example. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly nappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust. The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much. I'm curious; where does this statistic come from? Does its home, perchance, ever see sunlight? --Jason Williams If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law. --Winston Churchill If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons, maybe by shoving them down his throat. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy Television is to news as bumper stickers are to philosophy. --Richard Nixon Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Decaflon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. --Reader's reply to Washington Post Style Invitational The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. The former are idealists acting from highest motives for the greatest good of the greatest number. The latter are surly curmudgeons, suspicious and lacking in altruism. But they are more comfortable neighbors than the other sort. --Robert Heinlein ZIPLOC BAGS - male because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. --from the "What gender are they?" list SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. --from the "What gender are they?" list KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. --from the "What gender are they?" list SHOE - male, because it's usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. --from the "What gender are they?" list COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. --from the "What gender are they?" list TIRE - male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated. --from the "What gender are they?" list HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part. --from the "What gender are they?" list SPONGES - female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water. --from the "What gender are they?" list WEB PAGE - female, because it's always getting hit on. --from the "What gender are they?" list SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. --from the "What gender are they?" list HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. --from the "What gender are they?" list HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. --from the "What gender are they?" list REMOTE CONTROL - female, because it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. --from the "What gender are they?" list Whenever the legislators endeavor to take away and destroy the property of the people, or to reduce them to slavery under arbitrary power, they put themselves into a state of war with the people, who are thereupon absolved from any further obedience. --John Locke, 2nd Treatise on Government Ch. 19 par. 222 An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens. --Thomas Jefferson "Violence never solves problems." This is manifestly not true. Violence helped to end the regimes of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini. Violence proved equally effective against the Taliban. --Dinesh D'Souza "But you can't impose democracy at the point of a bayonet." This is another liberal shibboleth. In reality, at the end of World War II, America imposed democracy at the point of a bayonet on Japan and Germany, and it has proved a resounding success in both countries. The problem with liberals is that they never give bayonets a chance. --Dinesh D'Souza Lately, the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor. --Dilbert I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises. --Winston Churchill If you get away from the debt and fraud, this is a tremendous company with tremendous assets. --WorldCom CEO John Sidgmore, Oct 2002 After spending the last 24 hours sorting through more than a billion "Returned Undeliverable" messages, I've come to the conclusion that nobody stays on AOL past that free trial period. --from Top-5 mailing list moderator The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein" --Re-released hits for an aging audience The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now" --Re-released hits for an aging audience The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Nancy Sinatra: "These Boots Give Me Arthritis" --Re-released hits for an aging audience ABBA: "Denture Queen" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair" --Re-released hits for an aging audience The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune a-Rising" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" --Re-released hits for an aging audience The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" --Re-released hits for an aging audience Fairy tales do not tell children that monsters exist. Children already know monsters exist. Fairy tales tell children the monsters can be killed. --G.K. Chesterton, paraphrased Once "our people" get themselves into a position to make policy, they cease being "our people". --M. Stanton Evans A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. --P.J. O'Rourke I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act. --G.K. Chesterton A man's most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe. --Euripides It requires as much caution to tell the truth as to conceal it. --Baltasar Gracian Duty is not collective, it is personal. Let every individual make known his determination to support law and order. That duty is supreme. --Calvin Coolidge There is no nation so poor that it cannot afford free speech, but there are few elites which will put up with the bother of it. --Daniel P. Moynihan Those who have given themselves the most concern about the happiness of peoples have made their neighbors very miserable. --Anatole France Most of the energy of political work is devoted to correcting the effects of mismanagement of government. --Milton Friedman Democrats raise taxes. It's their way of paying for programs that buy votes from people who don't pay high taxes. --Pete Waldmeir I have never in my life seen a faster and bigger 180 on the death penalty than among white liberals in Virginia, Maryland, and the DC area. --Rush Limbaugh The Brain: We're going to a place where the sun never sets, the size of your wallet matters, and actors and actresses slave all day! Pinky: We're going to Denny's? He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have. --Don Juan Manuel When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. --Epperson's law Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. --Bombeck's Rule of Medicine What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite. --Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 You don't have to love yourself, you can just hate a lot of other people and then grade yourself on a curve. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rejected James Bond movie title #1: Brownfinger Rejected James Bond movie title #2: From Arkansas With Love Rejected James Bond movie title #3: Rubies Are For A Little While Rejected James Bond movie title #4: Tomorrow Never Comes Rejected James Bond movie title #5: Moneypenny Strikes Back Rejected James Bond movie title #6: The Spy Who Loved Me Then Left Me, That F*ing Bastard Rejected James Bond movie title #7: The Action Packed Movie Full Of Explosions And STDs Rejected James Bond movie title #8: James Bond And The Chamber Of Secrets Rejected James Bond movie title #9: GoldLargeIntestine Rejected James Bond movie title #10: Dr. yes, Yes, OH GOD YES Rejected James Bond movie title #11: Chicken Soup For The Undercover Agent's Soul Rejected James Bond movie title #12: Octoanus Rejected James Bond movie title #13: The Man With The Golden Phallus Rejected James Bond movie title #14: The Spy Who Loved My Wife! TWICE! Rejected James Bond movie title #15: Only Say Never Again A Few Times Rejected James Bond movie title #16: Silverthumb Rejected James Bond movie title #17: Tomorrow Comes All Too Soon Rejected James Bond movie title #18: Dude, We're Getting A Dell! Rejected James Bond movie title #19: Casino Proletariat Rejected James Bond movie title #20: The World Spins Only Once Per Day Rejected James Bond movie title #21: You Only Die One More Time Rejected James Bond movie title #22: The Spy Who Cried When He Got A Boo-Boo Rejected James Bond movie title #23: Don't Die Another Day, Please Die Now Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #1: "Mmmm, your daddy I am... yes." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #2: "Making it up as he goes along, Lucas is." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #3: "Die you will, Jar Jar. You have unbalanced the Force." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #4: "Mmm...DUDE, Getting a DELL, you are..." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #5: "Wrinkled it may be, but powerful in the force it is." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #6: "Intestine large is mine, hmm?" Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #7: "A sexy beast be I, hmm?" Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #8: "Anakin, your father's roommate's drinking buddy am I." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #9: "A tighter leash on your padawan you must keep, Obi Wan." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #10: "Kick your ass, I will." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #11: "Me love you long time, Jedi." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #12: "The smack down upon you, will from me come." Top Things We Want To Hear Yoda Say In The Next "Star Wars" Movie #13: "Anakin, to complete your training, kill Jar Jar and do Amidala you must." The States can best govern our home concerns and the general government our foreign ones. I wish, therefore...never to see all offices transferred to Washington, where, further withdrawn from the eyes of the people, they may more secretly be bought and sold at market. --Thomas Jefferson It is customary in democratic countries to deplore expenditures on armament as conflicting with the requirements of the social services. There is a tendency to forget that the most important social service that a government can do for its people is to keep them alive and free. --RAF Air Marshall Sir John Slessor Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. --Cora Harvey Armstrong I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. --Janette Barber Whoever thought up the word Mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. --Jan King A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" --Linda Ellerbee You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. --Geri Jewell A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. --Carrie Snow My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. --Erma Bombeck The phrase "working mother" is redundant. --Jane Sellman If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. --Catherine Aird When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! --Kathy Buckley I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I'm also not blonde. --Dolly Parton If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. --Sue Grafton I think, therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. --Margaret Thatcher I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. --Marie Corelli If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? --Linda Ellerbee A universal peace, it is to be feared, is in the catalogue of events, which will never exist but in the imaginations of visionary philosophers, or in the breasts of benevolent enthusiasts. --James Madison Entry #10 in Bill Gates's diary: Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. Entry #9 in Bill Gates's diary: The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. Entry #8 in Bill Gates's diary: Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute! Entry #7 in Bill Gates's diary: Good day; found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. Entry #6 in Bill Gates's diary: Bad day; Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. Entry #5 in Bill Gates's diary: Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! Entry #4 in Bill Gates's diary: Note to self: Next time my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. Entry #3 in Bill Gates's diary: Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. Entry #2 in Bill Gates's diary: Ran into Demi and Ashton. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. Entry #1 in Bill Gates's diary: Seventh day: rested. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. --Steven Wright I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. --Steven Wright A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. --Steel City News Wouldn't it be better if you could schedule this event for the weekend or the school holidays so that more people could get up here to see it? --Actual comment from tourist watching a total eclipse in the outback region of South Australia, 4 Dec 2002 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. --Dave Barry I would therefore like to posit that computing's central challenge, viz. "How not to make a mess of it," has /not/ been met. --Edsger Dijkstra, 1930-2002 You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. --Alfred Kahn There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. --Ross MacDonald Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling. Buffy: Well, sure beats that 'dead' feeling you get when they win and you lose. --BtVS The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny... In war, then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. --William Ellery Channing I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe. --Richard Gere, given the "Foot in Mouth" award by Britain's Plain English Campaign Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees. --anonymous, week of Monday, 27 Jan 2003 His "analysis" of the economy is as about as perceptive as a drunk falling for a transvestite who's forgotten to shave. --"Daily Reckoning", 3 Feb 2003 "Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act, even if accidental." --Taken from a homeowners insurance policy I took a course in speed reading and was able to read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. --Woody Allen Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #10: Being told to "Think Outside The Box" when you're in a damn box all day long. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #9: Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #8: Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #7: That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #6: Lack of roof rafters for the noose. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #5: The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #4: 23 power cords, 1 outlet. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #3: Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #2: When tours come through, they don't even bother to throw peanuts at you. Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to "Working in a Cubicle" #1: You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter. --actual news headline, 2002 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? --actual news headline, 2002 Miners Refuse to Work after Death. --actual news headline, 2002 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group. --actual news headline, 2002 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids. --actual news headline, 2002 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. --Groucho Marx, "The Book of Insults" Q: How many French troops does it take to defend Paris? A: No one knows - it's never been tried. Q: What would going to war against Iraq without help from France be like? A: World War II. "And Abraham Lincoln was short." --response by Defense Sec'y Donald Rumsfeld when asked to respond to Saddam Hussein's claim that Iraq has no ties with al-Qa'ida Today's network excuse: excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances --Geoff Lane Evolution doesn't take prisoners. A gun doesn't smoke till it's fired. And then it'll be too late. --Paul Greenberg There is a rank due to the United States, among nations, which will be withheld, if not absolutely lost, by the reputation of weakness. If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known that we are at all times ready for war. --George Washington Find Amelia Earhart yet? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Can you hear me NOW? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the HokeyPokey.... --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit! --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there? --actual comment from patient undergoing colonoscopy Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. --Dave Barry Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. --Homer Simpson Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion. --Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure. --Jacques Chirac, President of France As far as France is concerned, you're right. --Rush Limbaugh They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house. --Argus Hamilton The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq. --Dennis Miller What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis? -- Dennis Miller Q. Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France? A. Germans like to march in the shade. I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France. --Jay Leno Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000, m'sieur? The last time the French asked for 'more proof', it came marching into Paris under a German flag. --David Letterman Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining. --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv 'Tis time to fear when tyrants seem to kiss. --William Shakespeare Do not trust governments more than governments trust their own people. --Andrei Sakharov There is no safety for honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men. --Edmund Burke One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. --Winston Churchill When you stop a dictator there are always risks. But there are greater risks in not stopping a dictator. --Margaret Thatcher Let us be grateful to the French for what they have done for us, but let us think for ourselves. And, if need be, let us act for ourselves. --John Jay to Benjamin Franklin France was long a despotism tempered by epigrams. --Thomas Carlyle The Supreme Court is divided almost in half on the decisions. Talk about an international court. How would we ever agree with a lot of foreigners when we can't even agree among our own judges? --Will Rogers Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty. --Thomas Jefferson A just fear of an imminent danger, though there be no blow given, is a lawful cause of war. --Sir Francis Bacon France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. --Mark Twain I just love the French, they taste like chicken. --Hannibal Lecter The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee. --Regis Philbin You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging 1040s actress who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it. --Senator John McCain Replacement for the French national anthem #1: "Runaway", Del Shannon Replacement for the French national anthem #4: "Running Scared", Roy Orbison Replacement for the French national anthem #6: "Surrender", Elvis Presley Replacement for the French national anthem #7: "Live and Let Die", Wings Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him. The power cowardliness prefers to conspire with is time, because neither time nor cowardliness finds that there is any reason to hurry. --Soren Kierkegaard Mercy but murders, pardoning those that kill. --William Shakespeare To insist on strength is not war-mongering. It is peace-mongering. --Barry Goldwater Victory will never be found by taking the path of least resistance. --Winston Churchill A brave man is a man who dares to look the Devil in the face and tell him he is a Devil. --James A. Garfield Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong. --Calvin Coolidge I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. --Willow, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" You know, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help. --Calvin of "Calvin & Hobbes" May God bless all of our friends. And may God also bless our enemies, and turn their hearts so that they will become our friends. And if he won't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we shall know them by their limping. --Irish toast It's always darkest before the dawn, so if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid. --General Dwight D. Eisenhower Only someone completely distrustful of all government would be opposed to what we are doing with surveillance cameras. --NYC Police Commissioner Howard Safir, 27 July 1999 Magnificent promises are always to be suspected. --Theodore Parker Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual). --Ayn Rand The most fundamental fact about the ideas of the political left is that they do not work. Therefore we should not be surprised to find the left concentrated in institutions where ideas do not have to work in order to survive. --Thomas Sowell The consequences of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival. --George Orwell, 1984 Republican Guard Accustomed to all power Now just a pink mist --Iraqi haiku "I now inform you that you are too far from reality." --Baghdad Bob's last known remark to John Burns of NY Times, 9 Apr 2003 "There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #1 "My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #2 "Our initial assessment is that they will all die." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #3 "I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #4 "God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #5 "They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #6 "No I am not scared, and neither should you be!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #7 "Be assured. Baghdad is safe, protected." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #8 "Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #9 "We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #10 "The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #11 "I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #12 "I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #13 "We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #14 "The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #15 "We have them surrounded in their tanks." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #16 "The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #17 "Because we will behead you all." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #18 "Let the American infidels bask in their illusion." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #19 "I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #20 Britain "is not worth an old shoe." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #21 "We have given them a sour taste." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #22 Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #23 "We will welcome them with bullets and shoes." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #24 "We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #25 "We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #26 "Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #27 "I speak better English than this villain Bush." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #28 "These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #29 "They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #30 "We will kill them all........most of them." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #31 "They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #32 "They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #33 "I would like to clarify a simple fact here: How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged. Al-Nasiriyah cannot be besieged. Basra cannot be besieged." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #34 "They are trapped in Umm Qasr. They are trapped near Basra. They are trapped near Nasiriyah. They are trapped near Najaf. They are trapped everywhere." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #35 Called Americans and Brits "Tarateer", which (in Iraqi slang) means a guy full of farts (hot air) --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #36 "They are nowhere near the airport... they are lost in the desert... they can not read a compass... they are retarded." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #37 "They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #38 "Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #39 "We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #40 "We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #41 "Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #42 "These images are not the suburbs of Baghdad. From what I glimpsed, these gardens with rows of palm trees on the side, which you saw in the images, are located in the south of Abu Ghreib, where we have surrounded the Americans and British." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #43 "The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad... and I believe their grave will be there." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #44 "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #45 "They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #46 "We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #47 "Desperate Americans." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #48 "Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #49 "We went into the airport and crushed them, we cleaned the WHOOOLE place out, they were slaughtered." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #50 "Yes, the American troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #51 "Their casualties and bodies are many." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #52 (On surrenders) "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #53 "You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #54 "The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #55 "They (the U.S.) are deceiving their soldiers and their officers that aggressing against Iraq and invading Iraq will be like a picnic. This is a very stupid lie they are telling their soldiers, what they are facing is a definite death." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #56 "Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. We had not anticipated this." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #57 "We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #58 "The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #59 "It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #60 "There are no Iraqis disguising themselves." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #61 "They are retreating on all fronts. Their military effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #62 About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #63 "The capital, especially the commandos, are getting ready to wipe them out." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #64 "We are surrounding them and pounding them. The whole trend has changed and we are going to finalize this very soon." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #65 "After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #66 "Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio." --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #67 "Don't believe anything! We will chase the rascals back to London!" --Baghdad Bob's Treasury of Deathless Quotes #68 You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' --Chris Rock The time for action has passed. Now is the time for senseless bickering. All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. --Saint Patrick Here in a nutshell is the classic modern-day misunderstanding of freedom: Freedom means not just the right to be free from government sanction, but also to be free from consequences. --David Hogberg If the US departed the UN, the UN would have left only real estate in New York. --William F. Buckley, Jr. I just neutered my cat. Now he's a liberal --seen on a T-shirt It's not the size of the key, it's the implementation of the algorithm. --Natasha Smith Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do. --Will Rogers Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. --Frederick Douglass It would be an absurdity for jurors to be required to accept the judge's view of the law, against their own opinion, judgment, and conscience. --John Adams Witches parking only: all others will be toad --bumper sticker Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. --Neil Simon Freedom is the right to tell people what they don't want to hear. --George Orwell If a nation expects to be ignorant and free in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. --Thomas Jefferson My server has more fans than Britney. --Steve Warwick, from a posting at questions@freebsd.org Age no more confers adulthood than a high school degree guarantees literacy. --Kathleen Parker Johnny, finding life a bore, drank some H2SO4. Johnny's father, an MD, gave him CaCO3. Now he's neutralized, it's true, but he's full of CO2. Well, I've wrestled with reality for over thirty five years, doctor, and I'm happy to say I've finally won out over it. --Jimmy Stewart, "Harvey" cornea gumbo: a web page, ad, or other graphic piece that is an overdesigned, jumbled, soup of colors, fonts, and images. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ hit-and-run page: a web page that gets a huge number of hits and then disappears a week later, usually because it's a porn site. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ tag wrestling: a popular, new sport, usually accompanied by grunting, slaps to the head, and cries of "I'm sure I put in that end tag" and "They must have changed the syntax of HTML on me." --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ arachnerd: a person who spends way too much time either surfing the Web or screwing around with their home page. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ bagonize, verb: to wait anxiously for your suitcase to appear on the airport baggage carousel. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ I'd move to Los Angeles if New Zealand and Australia were swallowed up by a tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in England, and if the continent of Africa disappeared from some Martian attack. --Russell Crowe People who make careers out of helping others -- sometimes at great sacrifice, often not -- usually don't like to hear that those others might get along fine, might even get along better, without their help. --John Holt Let us speak courteously, deal fairly, and keep ourselves armed and ready. --Theodore Roosevelt Well, I like to do my own research so I think what I would say is that we haven't found Saddam Hussein and I don't know anyone who's running around saying he didn't exist. It takes time. Does that sound reasonable? --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the continuing search for Iraq's WMD and their previous owner anatidaephobia: the fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ Remember officers and Soldiers, that you are Freemen, fighting for the blessings of Liberty. --George Washington Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. --Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc., 1989 You will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it. --John Quincy Adams phrasemonger, noun: a person who uses phrases or quotes that were coined by other people. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ go commando, verb: to wear trousers without putting on underwear. --http://www.wordspy.com/TechWordSpy/ Lawyers are the only persons for whom ignorance of the law is not punished. --Jeremy Bentham It was so cold in Montana that the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets. --David Crombie Conferences are just like the poor and the Democrats, they'll always be with us. --Will Rogers How can there possibly be liberty and justice for all, when, in the name of justice, people claim rights to income, food, housing, education, health care, transportation, ad infinitum? There can't. --Gary Galles The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to them were fishermen. --Arthur Binstead percussive maintenance, noun: attempting to solve a mechanical or electrical problem by hitting or kicking the failed device. A general State education is a mere contrivance for molding people to be exactly like one another; and as the mold in which it casts them is that which pleases the dominant power in the government, whether this be a monarch, an aristocracy, or a majority of the existing generation; in proportion as it is efficient and successful, it establishes a despotism over the mind, leading by a natural tendency to one over the body. --John Stuart Mill, 1859 We laugh in the face of danger, we drop icecubes down the vest of fear. --Edmond Blackadder III Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. --George Burns ignorami, n.: The BOFH art of folding problem lusers into representational shapes. alpha mom, n.: The dominant woman in a group of mothers. The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. --Bertrand Russell egosurfing, present participle: Scouring the Internet's archives and search engines for mentions of your own name or your business name. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #10: The cucumber has left the salad. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #9: Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #8: You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #7: Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #6: Elvis has left the building. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #5: The Buick is not all the way in the garage. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #4: Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #3: You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #2: Men may be from Mars, but I see something that rhymes with Venus. Letterman's Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down #1: You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary". "sucker rally", noun: A short-lived gain in the stock market. I will mount the usual weekly cross and let you drive the nails. --President Eisenhower at the start of a press conference I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer, please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was beautiful. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. I went to a seafood disco rave last week. I pulled a mussel. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?" The few things they told us that were right, I already was familiar with, and I didn't have the necessary pitchfork & hip waders for the rest. --Heather James on education dept classes I'll believe that 20 same-age children should be in a classroom when women start bearing litters about that size. --Le Sellers rumortism, noun: A pathological social condition in which rumor and innuendo are passed off as facts. Imagine a school with children that can read and write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live. --Peter Cochrane beat sweetener, noun: A flattering, non-critical profile of a public figure written by a reporter whose regular beat includes coverage of that person. Freedom from prices is freedom from responsibility. You can simply pass laws, using the magic wand of government to satisfy your own desires at unspecified costs to be paid by others. --Thomas Sowell, Aug 2000 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. --Mary Ellen Kelly You know you've had too much caffeine if you ski ... uphill. You know you've had too much caffeine if you short out motion detectors. You know you've had too much caffeine if you help your dog chase its tail. You know you've had too much caffeine if you chew on other people's fingernails. You know you've had too much caffeine if your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You know you've had too much caffeine if you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You know you've had too much caffeine if you can jump-start your car without cables. You know you've had too much caffeine if Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. "I dropped the toothpaste", said Tom, crestfallenly. "More Wiener schnitzel, please", said Tom, revealingly. Those who have been intoxicated with power can never willingly abandon it. --Edmund Burke Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason. --Lord Philip Dormer Stanhope Chesterfield Freedom can't be kept for nothing. If you set a high value on liberty, you must set a low value on everything else. --Lucius Annaeus Political language -- and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists -- is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable. --George Orwell Liberals observe certain flaws in human nature that make them distrust the spontaneous order ... conservatives recognize that these same flaws are present in political authorities and can just as easily doom government solutions to problems. --W. James Antle III The societies of "Old Europe" remind Americans of the Arab Street. Preferring comforting delusions to challenging realities, Europeans talk a great deal, do very little, and blame the United States for homegrown ills. --Ralph Peters The difference between Congress and drunken sailors is that drunken sailors are spending their own money. --Florida Rep. Tom Feeney (R) If guns are outlawed, only the government will have guns. Only the police, the secret police, the military, the hired servants of our rulers. Only the government -- and a few outlaws. I intend to be among the outlaws. --Edward Abbey (1927-1989) I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. --Thomas Jefferson Deck of cards: $1.29 Card table: $14.99 "101 Solitaire Variations" book: $6.59 Finding a cheaper replacement for the one thing Windows does well: priceless To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. --Theodore Roosevelt, 26th US President (1858-1919) The powers delegated by the proposed Constitution to the federal government are few and defined. --James Madison, Federalist #45 I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the bastards are and can kill them. --Gen. George Patton A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. --Tennessee Williams A fanatic is someone who works on the result at all costs, irrespective of its value. --Nobel Prize-winner and Bell Labs chief scientist Arno Penzias How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. --geek poetry Jesus saves. Buddha forgives. Cthulu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich. Fifty years ago, they taught Latin and Greek in high schools. Today, they teach remedial English in colleges. --Butler Shaffer, on the state of learning in our society today No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. --Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC Make love, not war. What the hell, do both; GET MARRIED! --Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT Express Lane: Five beers or less --Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ Random act of violence against bread: whole pint. --extract from "Hawk the Slayer" drinking game Need a good screw? --rejected slogan for Ace Hardware We'd love to be sitting on your face. --rejected slogan for Ray-Ban I did WHAT with my sister? --rejected slogan for Jack Daniels We'd love to handle your package. --rejected slogan for FedEx I think, therefore I thwim. --Descartes wannabe There is SCO-owned IP all over the Linux kernel. SCO will hunt them. Free software infidels are liars. We will kill them all, and roast their stomach in hell. Our estimates show that all slash-dot viewers will die. --Mohammad Al-Sahhaf, SCO Spokesman, Former Iraqi information minister "Are we at last brought to such a humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our own defense? Where is the difference between having our arms in our own possession and under our own direction, and having them under the management of Congress? If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?" --Patrick Henry June 9, 1788, in the Virginia Convention on the ratification of the Constitution. A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. --Thomas Jefferson Academies that are founded at public expense are instituted not so much to cultivate men's natural abilities as to restrain them. --Baruch Spinoza (1632-1677) It should be your care, therefore, and mine, to elevate the minds of our children and exalt their courage; to accelerate and animate their industry and activity; to excite in them an habitual contempt of meanness, abhorrence of injustice and inhumanity, and an ambition to excel in every capacity, faculty, and virtue. If we suffer their minds to grovel and creep in infancy, they will grovel all their lives. --John Adams, Dissertation on the Canon and Feudal Law, 1756 Let our pupil be taught that he does not belong to himself, but that he is public property. Let him be taught to love his family, but let him be taught at the same time that he must forsake and even forget them when the welfare of his country requires it. --Benjamin Rush A native American who cannot read or write is as rare an appearance...as a comet or an earthquake. -- John Adams, 1765 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. -- William Pitt, 1783 Children should be educated and instructed in the principles of freedom. --John Adams, Defense of the Constitutions, 1787 It is better to tolerate the rare instance of a parent refusing to let his child be educated, than to shock the common feelings and ideas by forcible asportation and education of the infant against the will of the father. --Thomas Jefferson Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. --George Washington Men had better be without education than be educated by their rulers. --Thomas Hodgskin, 1823 A general State education is a mere contrivance for moulding people to be exactly like one another; and as the mould in which it casts them is that which pleases the dominant power in the government, whether this be a monarch, an aristocracy, or a majority of the existing generation; in proportion as it is efficient and successful, it establishes a despotism over the mind, leading by a natural tendency to one over the body. --John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1859 I freed thousands of slaves. I could have freed thousands more if they had known they were slaves. --Harriet Tubman The knowledge of the world is only to be acquired in the world, and not in a closet. --Lord Chesterfield Government will not fail to employ education, to strengthen its hands and perpetuate its institutions. --William Godwin [T]he child should be taught to consider his instructor...superior to the parent in point of authority.... The vulgar impression that parents have a legal right to dictate to teachers is entirely erroneous.... Parents have no remedy as against the teacher. --John Swett, Superintendent of California Public School System (1860s) We are opposed to state interference with parental rights and rights of conscience in the education of children as an infringement of the fundamental Democratic doctrine that the largest individual liberty consistent with the rights of others insures the highest type of American citizenship and the best government. --From the Democratic National Platform of 1892 (in opposition to compulsory attendance laws) Wherever is found what is called a paternal government, there is found state education. It has been discovered that the best way to insure implicit obedience is to commence tyranny in the nursery. --Benjamin Disraeli, British Prime Minister We who are engaged in the sacred cause of education are entitled to look upon all parents as having given hostages to our cause. --Horace Mann, first secretary of education in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts [The children's] parents know not how to instruct them.... The state, in the warmth of her affection and solicitude for their welfare, must take charge of those children and place them in school where their minds can be enlightened and their hearts trained to virtue. --Archibald D. Murphey, founder of the North Carolina public schools The education of all children, from the moment that they can get along without a mother's care, shall be in state institutions at state expense. --Karl Marx The teacher is engaged not simply in the training of individuals, but in the formation of the proper social life.... In this way, the teacher always is the prophet of the true God and the usherer-in of the true Kingdom of God. --John Dewey, American educator Children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society which is coming where everyone is interdependent. --John Dewey, American educator The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. --Rudyard Kipling The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school. --George Bernard Shaw I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --Mark Twain Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. --Mark Twain Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it. --Mark Twain [Factories] in which raw products, children, are to be shaped and formed into finished products... manufactured like nails, and the specifications for manufacturing will come from government and industry. --Ellwood P. Cubberley (Dean, Stanford University School of Education), on the purpose of schools, from his Columbia Teachers College Dissertation (1905) That erroneous assumption is to the effect that the aim of public education is to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence, and so make them fit to discharge the duties of citizenship in an enlightened and independent manner. Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment at all, it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States, whatever the pretensions of politicians, pedagogues and other such mountebanks, and that is its aim everywhere else. --H.L. Mencken The urge to save humanity is almost always a false-face for the urge to rule it. --H.L. Mencken I suppose it is because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas. --Agatha Christie Education rears disciples, imitators, and routinists, not pioneers of new ideas and creative geniuses. The schools are not nurseries of progress and improvement, but conservatories of tradition and unvarying modes of thought. --Ludwig von Mises What's the difference between a bright, inquisitive five-year-old, and a dull, stupid nineteen-year-old? Fourteen years of the British educational system. --Bertrand Russell A really efficient totalitarian state would be one in which the all-powerful executive of political bosses and their army of managers control a population of slaves who do not have to be coerced, because they love their servitude. To make them love it is the task assigned, in present-day totalitarian states, to ministries of propaganda, newspaper editors and schoolteachers.... The greatest triumphs of propaganda have been accomplished, not by doing something, but by refraining from doing. Great is truth, but still greater, from a practical point of view, is silence about truth. --Aldous Huxley, forward to Brave New World, 1946 edition Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. --C.S. Lewis My grandmother wanted me to have an education, so she kept me out of school. --Margaret Mead Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. --Margaret Mead Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted. --Vladimir Lenin It is the State which educates its citizens in civic virtue, gives them a consciousness of their mission, and welds them into unity. --Benito Mussolini, "The Political and Social Doctrine of Fascism," 1932 At every hour of every day, I can tell you on which page of which book each school child in Italy is studying. --Benito Mussolini Education is a weapon, whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed. --Joseph Stalin Schools have not necessarily much to do with education... they are mainly institutions of control, where basic habits must be inculcated in the young. Education is quite different and has little place in school. --Winston Churchill The more subsidized it is, the less free it is. What is known as "free education" is the least free of all, for it is a state-owned institution; it is socialized education - just like socialized medicine or the socialized post office - and cannot possibly be separated from political control. --Frank Chodorov, "Why Free Schools Are Not Free," 1948 The central task of education is to implant a will and facility for learning; it should produce not learned but learning people. The truly human society is a learning society, where grandparents, parents, and children are students together. --Eric Hoffer To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you like everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting. --e.e. cummings Public educators, like Soviet farmers, lack any incentive to produce results, innovate, to be efficient, to make the kinds of of difficult changes that private firms operating in a competitive market must make to survive. --Carolyn Lochhead I don't want my children fed or clothed by the state, but if I had to choose, I would prefer that to their being educated by the state. --Max Victor Belz "Parent choice" proceeds from the belief that the purpose of education is to provide individual students with an education. In fact, educating the individual is but a means to the true end of education, which is to create a viable social order to which individuals contribute and by which they are sustained. "Family choice" is, therefore, basically selfish and anti-social in that it focuses on the "wants" of a single family rather than the "needs" of society. --Association of California School Administrators Historically, much of the motivation for public schooling has been to stifle variety and institute social control. --Jack Hugh The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. --John Kenneth Galbraith If the only motive was to help people who could not afford education, advocates of government involvement would have simply proposed tuition subsidies. --Milton Friedman, Economist and 1976 Nobel Laureate The first goal and primary function of the U.S. public school is not to educate good people, but good citizens. It is the function which we call - in enemy nations - "state indoctrination." --Jonathan Kozol If it would be wrong for the government to adopt an official religion, then, for the same reasons, it would be wrong for the government to adopt official education policies. The moral case for freedom of religion stands or falls with that for freedom of education. A society that champions freedom of religion but at the same time countenances state regulation of education has a great deal of explaining to do. --James R. Otteson School is the advertising agency which makes you believe that you need the society as it is. --Ivan Illich It is the duty of a citizen in a free country not to fit into society, but to make society. --John Holt Far from failing in its intended task, our educational system is in fact succeeding magnificently, because its aim is to keep the American people thoughtless enough to go on supporting the system. --Richard Mitchell Do you think nobody would willingly entrust his children to you or pay you for teaching them? Why do you have to extort your fees and collect your pupils by compulsion? --Isabel Paterson Most of the harm in the world is done by good people, and not by accident, lapse, or omission. It is the result of their deliberate actions, long persevered in, which they hold to be motivated by high ideals toward virtuous ends. --Isabel Paterson Those in society who are in charge of schools must never forget that the parents have been appointed by God himself as the first and principal educators of their children and that their right is completely inalienable. --Pope John Paul II When school children start paying union dues, that's when I'll start representing the interests of school children. --Albert Shanker (Former President of the American Federation of Teachers) It's time to admit that public education operates like a planned economy, a bureaucratic system in which everybody's role is spelled out in advance and there are few incentives for innovation and productivity. It's no surprise that our school system doesn't improve: It more resembles the communist economy than our own market economy. --Albert Shanker In all countries, in all centuries, the primary reason for government to set up schools is to undermine the politically weak by convincing their children that the leaders are good and their policies are wise. The core is religious intolerance. The sides simply change between the Atheists, Catholics, Protestants, Unitarians, etc., depending whether you are talking about the Soviet Union, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, America, etc. A common second reason is to prepare the boys to go to war and the girls to cheer them on. --Marshall Fritz (Founder, Alliance for the Separation of School & State) Charter schools are just public schools on a slightly longer leash. A dog on a long leash is still a dog on a leash. --Marshall Fritz As we all learned from the sorry experience of state-sanctioned bureaucracies in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union, decentralization [in education] is crucial to both freedom and excellence. --Jerry Brown (Mayor, Oakland, CA) If you suppose that good intentions justify intruding on the lives and properties of your fellow citizens: Do you appreciate being the target of somebody else's good intentions, or haven't you had that particular dubious pleasure yet? --Cat Farmer A democratic despotism is like a theocracy: it assumes its own correctness. --Walter Bagehot No matter how disastrously some policy has turned out, anyone who criticizes it can expect to hear: 'But what would you replace it with?' When you put out a fire, what do you replace it with? --Thomas Sowell In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists. --Eric Hoffer Nothing enrages me more than when people criticize my criticism of school by telling me that schools are not just places to learn maths and spelling, they are places where children learn a vaguely defined thing called socialization. I know. I think schools generally do an effective and terribly damaging job of teaching children to be infantile, dependent, intellectually dishonest, passive and disrespectful to their own developmental capacities. --Seymour Papert There has never in the history of the civilized world been a cohort of kids that is so little affected by adult guidance and so attuned to a peer world. We have removed grown-up wisdom and allowed them to drift into a self-constructed, highly relativistic world of friendship and peers. --William Damon, Stanford University Center on Adolescence Government schooling is the most radical adventure in history. It kills the family by monopolizing the best times of childhood and by teaching disrespect for home and parents. --John Taylor Gatto, New York State Teacher of the Year (1990, 1991) Home schooling programs cannot provide the student with a comprehensive educational experience. --National Education Association Resolution The present homeschooling laws are, at best, a poor compromise between a highly structured, two hundred billion dollar a year industry and the principles and beliefs of a handful of parents. --Helen Hegener, The Homeschool Reader Our tightly controlled educational system mocks the promise of democracy. With a closed educational system we simply cannot have an open political system. The current situation allows the government and big business to manufacture and maintain our culture for us, and in turn, control remains in the hands of the experts and institutions. The ability to change this situation is in the hands of the individuals and families who understand why change is necessary. --Helen Hegener, Alternatives in Education Why is it that millions of children who are pushouts or dropouts amount to business as usual in the public schools, while one family educating a child at home becomes a major threat to universal public education and the survival of democracy? --Stephen Arons (Compelling Belief) Reaching consensus in a group is often confused with finding the right answer. --Norman Mailer A family member asked my wife, "Aren't you concerned about his (our son's) socialization with other kids?" My wife gave this response: "Go to your local middle school, junior high, or high school, walk down the hallways, and tell me which behavior you see that you think our son should emulate." --Manfred B. Zysk Education is unique among consumer products -- when it fails to work as advertised, it's the customer that gets labelled as defective. --Kevin Killion The Constitution is a written instrument. As such, its meaning does not alter. That which it meant when it was adopted, it means now. --SOUTH CAROLINA v. US, 199 U.S. 437, 448 (1905) Laissez faire does not mean let soulless mechanical forces operate. It means let each individual choose how he wants to cooperate in the social division of labor; let the consumers determine what the entrepreneurs should produce. Planning means let the government alone choose and enforce its rulings by the apparatus of coercison and compulsion. --Ludwig von Mises When a government has ceased to protect the lives, liberty, and property of the people...and...becomes an instrument in the hands of evil rulers for their oppression...it is a...sacred obligation to their posterity to abolish such government, and create another in its stead. --Sam Houston We are reluctant to admit that we owe our liberties to men of a type that today we hate and fear - unruly men, disturbers of the peace, men who resent and denounce what Whitman called "the insolence of elected persons" - in a word, free men. --Gerald W. Johnson, American Freedom and the Press, 1958 Those who want the government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide. --Harry Truman Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --Lily Tomlin Knowing, not guessing, about what you can risk is often the critical difference between getting away with it or drilling a fifty-foot hole in mother earth. --General Chuck Yeager, former USAF test pilot You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. --Fred Allen To think that government, i.e., bureaucrats and politicians, will confiscate money to pay for something without imposing limits, mandates, and controls on it, is to demonstrate that you have been bareheaded in the sun too long. --Le Sellers My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there are three other people. --Orson Welles This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank. There is no room for the arbitrary in any activity of man, least of all in his method of cognition, and just as he has learned to be guided by objective criteria in making his physical tools, so he must be guided by objective criteria in forming his tools of cognition: his concepts. --Ayn Rand There can be no such thing, in law or in morality, as actions forbidden to an individual, but permitted to a mob. --Ayn Rand America's abundance was not created by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. --Ayn Rand The idea that 'the public interest' supersedes private interests and rights can have but one meaning: that the interests and rights of some individuals take precedence over the interests and rights of others. --Ayn Rand The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities. --Ayn Rand Thinking men cannot be ruled. --Ayn Rand Don't work for my happiness, my brothers- show me yours- show me that it is possible- show me your achievement- and the knowledge will give me courage for mine. --Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values. --Ayn Rand, Force and mind are opposites; morality ends where the gun begins. --Ayn Rand Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. Why you can't find your system administrator: There's more caffeine than blood in his veins, and he was last seen hopping down the hall pretending he was a pogo stick. There is no history of mankind, there are only many histories of all kinds of aspects of human life. And one of these is the history of political power. This is elevated into the history of the world. --Karl Popper, "The Open Society and its Enemies" One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them. --Thomas Sowell If you think it's wrong to kill someone who is about to kill you, you're too stupid to be allowed to vote. --Michael James This is a farce confidential disclaimer intended to make you aware that even though this may be priveledged information, being it will become Google cache in the future, my original intentions of keeping this message restricted and/or private are thrown out the door. If you have received this e-mail in error, please enjoy this signature and destroy this message by dousing it in gasoline. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things there, and drink whatever comes out?" There had to be a first time someone said, "See that chicken? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse? Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. --PBA President E.J. Kiernan We made [an album], and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. --Dave Barry, "The Snake" Posterity -- you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it. --John Quincy Adams Before you say, "There should be a law", stop and think. All laws authorize government to use lethal force, at the end of a gun, to see them carried out. Is the issue REALLY important enough that you want to enable the government to kill people over it? Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance. --Robert Heinlein Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the TV repairman. I never submitted the whole system of my opinion to the creed of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else, where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go at all. --Thomas Jefferson in a letter to Francis Hopkinson in 1789 I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true; I no longer know how to use my telephone. --Bjarne Stroustrup Idealism is the noble toga that political gentlemen drape over their will to power. --Aldous Huxley Q: How else can someone reliably measure your tool's effectiveness? A: How about a dB meter to profile the groans? --best innuendo on a techie list Yes, of course liberalism is a mental defect. Liberals are wracked by self-loathing as the result of some traumatic incident -- say, driving drunk off a bridge with your mistress passed out in the back seat and letting the poor girl drown because you're a married man and a US senator, just to take one utterly random, hypothetical example off the top of my head. --Ann Coulter Irrationality is the square root of all evil. --Douglas Hofstadter The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism. --Hermann Goering I wouldn't be surprised if you just attracted every stray cat in Texas. --Simon Cowell critique on "American Idol" I would ban you from singing in the shower. --Simon Cowell critique on "American Idol" If I were to say you were mediocre, it would be the biggest compliment you've ever been paid. --Simon Cowell critique on "American Idol" That was a 1.5 out of 10, at most. --Simon Cowell critique on "American Idol" You are like musical cheesecake... quite hard work to get through, and once you finish, you don't want much more. --Simon Cowell critique on "American Idol" With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead. --RFC 1925 Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you because I was pissed. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition In loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that bag off your face. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies! --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell." --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. --entries to a Washington Post romantic rhyme competition Commercial operating systems breed commerce, whereas free operating systems breed freedom, the only thing more dangerous and confusing than commerce. --Michael R. Jinks, redhat-list, circa 1997 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear. --Harry S. Truman Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? --Bender, "Futurama" It was a hard sell, since he's a database person, and as far as I've seen, once those database worms eat into your brain, it's hard to ever get anything practical done again. To a database person, every nail looks like a thumb. Or something like that. --Jamie Zawinski, http://www.jwz.org/doc/mailsum.html Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. I feel like those Jewish people in Germany in 1942. --Ted Turner, on being prevented from buying another TV station If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? --Unknown Heroine Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark where they will mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. --Unknown Heroine A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and an ass to pay for it all. --Anne Slater An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he'd have someone to look up to. --Gene Fowler I read this and I think "I'm a relay" (and then go poopie). --Dave Richardson , on the qmail mailing list True education makes for inequality; the inequality of individuality, the inequality of success, the glorious inequality of talent, of genius; for inequality, not mediocrity, individual superiority, not standardization, is the measure of the progress of the world. --Felix E. Schelling (1858-1945), American educator Toilet out of order. please use floor below --sign in a London office Did you ever hear anyone say 'that work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me'? --Joseph Henry Jackson, American Journalist, 1894-1946 As long as an economic system provides an acceptable degree of security, growing material wealth and opportunity for further increase for the next generation, the average American does not ask who is running things or what goals are being pursued. --Daniel R. Fusfeld, "Friendly Fascism" Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. The early bird still has to eat worms. Brain cells come and go, fat cells live forever. Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. --Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty. --John Adams, Journal, 1772 Make no laws whatever concerning speech and, speech will be free; so soon as you make a declaration on paper that speech shall be free, you will have a hundred lawyers proving that "freedom does not mean abuse, nor liberty license", and they will define and define freedom out of existence. --Voltarine de Cleyre (1866-1912) The centralization of power in Washington, which nearly all members of Congress deplore in their speech and then support by their votes, steadily increases. --Calvin Coolidge If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. --James Madison No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another, and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him. --Thomas Jefferson Let us recollect that peace or war will not always be left to our option; that however moderate or unambitious we may be, we cannot count upon the moderation, or hope to extinguish the ambition of others. --Alexander Hamilton The world's becoming a museum of socialist failures. --John Dos Passos The unforgivable crime is soft hitting. Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly. --Theodore Roosevelt While the people are virtuous they cannot be subdued; but when once they lose their virtue then will be ready to surrender their liberties to the first external or internal invader. --Samuel Adams Education never helped morals. The smarter the guy, the bigger the rascal. --Will Rogers Eternal vigilance is only part of the price of freedom. The maturity to live with imperfections is another crucial part of the price of freedom. --Thomas Sowell HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. --Walt Kelley DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. I've found that nurturing one's Zen nature is vital to dealing with technology. Violence is pretty damn useful too. --Lionel Lauer, A.S.R. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. --Mark Twain Q. Why did John Kerry cross the road? A. It doesn't matter. He's already on the other side. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. What color is a chameleon on a mirror? Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. --R. Reagan Are you entitled to the fruits of your own labor or does government have some presumptive right to spend and spend and spend? --R. Reagan The federal government has taken too much tax money from the people, too much authority from the states, and too much liberty with the Constitution. --R. Reagan The best view of big government is in the rearview mirror as you're driving away from it. --R. Reagan Nations crumble from within when the citizenry asks of government those things which the citizenry might better provide for itself. --R. Reagan We were poor when I was young, but the difference then was that the government didn't come around telling you you were poor. --R. Reagan To those who are fainthearted and unsure, I have this message: If you're afraid of the future, then get out of the way, stand aside. The people of this country are ready to move again. --R. Reagan Don't be afraid to see what you see. --R. Reagan I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves. --R. Reagan No arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. --R. Reagan The West won't contain Communism. It will transcend it. It will dismiss it as some bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages are even now being written. --R. Reagan Communism is neither an economic or a political system -- it is a form of insanity -- a temporary aberration which will one day disappear from the earth because it is contrary to human nature. I wonder how much more misery it will cause before it disappears. --R. Reagan Those who say that we're in a time when there are no heroes just don't know where to look. You can see heroes every day going in and out of factory gates. Others, a handful in number, produce enough food to feed all of us and then the world beyond. [...] Their patriotism is quiet but deep. Their values sustain our national life. --R. Reagan Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement... --R. Reagan Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose. --R. Reagan Status quo, you know, that is Latin for 'the mess we're in.' --R. Reagan Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --R. Reagan Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. --R. Reagan I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me...even if it's in the middle of a cabinet meeting. --R. Reagan The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so. --R. Reagan I will not exploit my opponent's youth and inexperience. --R. Reagan And I also remember something that Thomas Jefferson once said: 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that... --R. Reagan History's no easy subject. Even in my day it wasn't, and we had so much less of it to learn then. --R. Reagan Honey, I forgot to duck. --R. Reagan The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program. --R. Reagan I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties. --R. Reagan Most people would like to be delivered from temptation, but would also like it to keep in touch. --Robert Orben Bill Clinton's book has already sold more than 600,000 copies. All of them to women who want to see if their name is mentioned. --Craig Kilborn Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of men will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice without constraint. --Alexander Hamilton There never was a bad man that had ability for good service. --Edmund Burke Real valor consists not in being insensible to danger, but in being prompt to confront and disarm it. --Sir Walter Scott Bill Clinton's autobiography came out today. It's based on a true story. --Jay Leno Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book. --David Letterman Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, "I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined." --Conan O'Brien I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two. --Craig Kilborn Oprah asked Bill Clinton if he's talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton said, "Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair." --Conan O'Brien A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping and that's just when Bill signed your book. --Craig Kilborn Bill Clinton was on "Oprah" talking about the book. I guess tomorrow he's on Maury Povich doing one of those paternity test shows... In two days he's been on "60 Minutes", he's been on "Oprah," tomorrow he's on "Larry King". The only thing he hasn't been on lately is Hillary. --Jay Leno I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything it's always going to be difficult. --Jay Leno Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of the government. --Woodrow Wilson The history of liberty is the history of the limitation of government, not the increase of it. --Woodrow Wilson They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... --Final words of General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864 Liberty not only means that the individual has both the opportunity and the burden of choice; it also means that he must bear the consequences of his actions... Liberty and responsibility are inseparable. --Friedrich von Hayek, The Constitution of Liberty (1960) Laws are made for men of ordinary understanding and should, therefore, be construed by the ordinary rules of common sense. Their meaning is not to be sought for in metaphysical subtleties which may make anything mean everything or nothing at pleasure. --Thomas Jefferson The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. --Thomas Babington The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning. --Adlai Stevenson Bring your desires down to your present means. Increase them only when your increased means permit. --Aristotle When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, "It's in the script." If he says, "But what's my motivation?," I say, "Your salary." --Alfred Hitchcock "Jesus Christ and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by Mel Gibson --Children's books written by celebrities, Conan O'Brian Why is the Pen mightier than the Sword? Because no one ever takes up a sword until a pen has first convinced them that something is worth killing or dying for. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. --Chessmaster Savielly Gricorievitch Tatrtak Democracy extends the sphere of individual freedom, Democracy attaches all possible value to each man, while socialism makes each man a mere agent, a mere number. Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word: equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude. --Alexis de Tocqueville, 1848 No one can read our Constitution without concluding that the people who wrote it wanted their government severely limited; the words 'no' and 'not' employed in restraint of government power occur 24 times in the first seven articles of the Constitution and 22 more times in the Bill of Rights. --Edmund A. Opitz The left takes its vision seriously -- more seriously than it takes the rights of other people. They want to be our shepherds. But that requires us to be sheep. --Thomas Sowell An act that is inherently evil does not become moral simply because there's a majority consensus. --Walter Williams When I read the list of people who are supporting Kerry, if I wasn't already a Bush supporter, I would have immediately switched. Linda Ronstadt? Don Henley? Geez, that's a good reason right there to vote for Bush. --Rock star Alice Cooper We did have a completely different class of people in 1776. When this country was formed you couldn't find 10 people on the continent who thought that it was the responsibility of the federal government to provide them with a job or health care... transport today's average American back to 1776 and the Revolutionary War would never have happened. --Neal Boortz Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. --Blair Houghton Flanders: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbor- Homer: Shut up, Flanders. Flanders: Okely-dokely-do. --The Simpsons, "Hurricane Neddy" Would you rather arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, or skid in sideways yelling "holy sh*t, what a ride!"? France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. --Mark Twain Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. --Norman Schwartzkopf We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it. --Marge Simpson "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." --Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French. You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people. --Conan O'Brien I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France! --Jay Leno The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag. --David Letterman Possible replacement for the French national anthem #12: "Runaway" by Del Shannon Possible replacement for the French national anthem #11: "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers Possible replacement for the French national anthem #10: "Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis Possible replacement for the French national anthem #9: "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison Possible replacement for the French national anthem #8: "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards Possible replacement for the French national anthem #7: "Surrender" by Elvis Presley Possible replacement for the French national anthem #6: "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons Possible replacement for the French national anthem #5: "Live and Let Die" by Wings Possible replacement for the French national anthem #4: "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond Possible replacement for the French national anthem #3: "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers Possible replacement for the French national anthem #2: "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin Possible replacement for the French national anthem #1: "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him. The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. --Dennis Miller Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? --response by Secretary of State Dean Rusk when France pulled out of NATO and declared Americans must close down their bases in France You can always count on the French to be there when they need us. Polymer physicists are into chains. You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. --Homer Simpson, "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge" The same prudence which in private life would forbid our paying our own money for unexplained projects, forbids it in the dispensation of the public moneys. --Thomas Jefferson Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. --Albert Einstein If all that Americans want is security, they can go to prison. They'll have enough to eat, a bed and a roof over their heads. --President Dwight D. Eisenhower The real freedom of any individual can always be measured by the amount of responsibility which he must assume for his own welfare and security. --Robert Welch There is nothing that gives a man consequence, and renders him fit for command, like a support that renders him independent of everybody but the State he serves. --George Washington Out of the darkness a voice spake unto me, saying "Smile, things could be worse". And lo, I smiled, and behold, things became worse. One single object...[will merit] the endless gratitude of the society: that of restraining the judges from usurping legislation. --Thomas Jefferson The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life. --Theodore Roosevelt On every question of construction carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text or invented against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed. --Thomas Jefferson When no risk is taken there is no freedom. It is thus that, in an industrial society, the plethora of laws made for our personal safety convert the land into a nursery, and policemen hired to protect us become self-serving busybodies. --Alan Watts Liberty is often a heavy burden on a man. It involves the necessity for perpetual choice which is the kind of labor men have always dreaded. --Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. America...they are trying to weaken you; they are trying to disarm your strong and magnificent country... I call upon you, ordinary working men of America... do not let yourselves become weak. --Alexander Solzhenitsyn The deterioration of every government begins with the decay of the principles on which it was founded. --Charles-Louis De Secondat There is something that smacks of tyranny about being forced to carry a national ID card. Persons who love freedom and are fearful of losing it will oppose any effort to impose one on them. --Lyn Nofziger National ID cards are not proper in a free society. This is America, not Soviet Russia. The federal government should never be allowed to demand papers from American citizens, and it certainly has no constitutional authority to do so. --Rep. Ron Paul What have you done to the cat? It looks half-dead. --Schroedinger's wife If the government can take a man's money without his consent, there is no limit to the additional tyranny it may practise upon him; for, with his money, it can hire soldiers to stand over him, keep him in subjection, plunder him at discretion, and kill him if he resists. --Lysander Spooner, 1852 The children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society that is coming, where everyone would be interdependent. --John Dewey, 1899 Although the Buddhists will tell you that desire is the root of suffering, my personal experience leads me to point the finger at system administration. --Philip Greenspun The PHP API is so huge and hideous that it appears to have been assembled by a hundred monkeys sitting at keyboards, each equipped with the Perl man page and an amphetamine tablet. --Dan Sandler, http://dsandler.org Oh, my darlin' had bronchitis, and she barfed up half a lung, what came up looked quite amazing when she rolled it on her tongue. --sung to the tune of "My Darling Clementine" There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven. --Robert Green Ingersoll Here I sit at work Monitor, again, again To keep our net safe --Security haiku, Judy Mead Intruder Alert Black channels of unknown song Whisper through your walls --Security haiku, Mark Wood Incident Response How systems are compromised Own the teacher's box --Security haiku, Willie Kupersanin Think like a hacker Enter the mind of darkness To secure ourselves --Security haiku, Kerry Vosswinkel UNIX and Windows So secure, yet so open. Which one gets hacked? --Security haiku, Carol Lee Rand Packets swarming in Configuration in doubt Firewall class brings calm --Security haiku, Paul Ewing The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. --Tacitus Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel. --George Appel, executed in NY electric chair, 1928 I did not get my Spaghetti-Os. I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this. --G.W. Green, executed by lethal injection, Oklahoma, 1991 How about this for tomorrow's headline? "French Fries". --James French, executed in Oklahoma electric chair, 1966 It is poor civic hygiene to install technologies that could someday facilitate a police state. --Bruce Schneier, "Secrets and Lies" You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. --unknown Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. --Ambrose Redmoon Students are finding out the hard way that online privacy is much like the Chicago Bears' defense: just when you need it most, it completely disappears. --Nate Anderson The first step of emancipation is to learn to recognize when your emotions are being manipulated for profit. --Loren Cobb Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or driving with Ted Kennedy? --Rush Limbaugh, 13 Feb 2006 I eat cotton wool to stay in shape. I have slept with everyone on the planet. There's a photograph of me doing unfortunate things with vegetables. --Kate Beckinsale, on Internet rumors she's seen written about her 50 Cent Says He Sees Eminem As Role Model --actual news headline, 2006 People who relieve others of their money with guns are called robbers. It does not alter the immorality of the act when the income transfer is carried out by government. People, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! --Southwest airlines flight attendant (SW has no assigned seating) Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. --Continental pilot Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. --attributed to a flight attendant Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. --attributed to a flight attendant Whoa, big fella. WHOA! --attributed to a pilot landing at Ronald Reagan Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after that landing, sure as hell everything has shifted. --Northwest flight attendant, after a rough landing To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. --Southwest Airlines employee In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. --attributed to a flight attendant Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. --attributed to a Southwest pilot Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. --attributed to a flight attendant As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. --attributed to a flight attendant We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways. --flight attendant's arrival announcement Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this flight is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em. --Southwest Airline pilot Q. Gary, all your responses must be oral, ok? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. --supposedly heard in a courtroom She is not a "babe", she is a "breasted American." She is not a "screamer", she is "vocally appreciative." She is not "easy", she is "horizontally accessible." She is not a "dumb blonde", she is a "light-haired detour off the Information Superhighway." She has not "been around", she is a "previously-enjoyed companion." She is not an "airhead", she is "reality impaired." She does not get "drunk", she gets "chemically inconvenienced" She does not have "breast implants", she is "medically enhanced." She does not "nag" you, she becomes "verbally repetitive." She is not a "two-bit hooker", she is a "low-cost provider." Leonardo diCaprio in Titanic: Despite acting like a plank of wood, he still can't float. --"Top Ten Most Welcome Movie Deaths", Stylus Magazine Her face looks like it was gnawed out of wood by the inhabitants of Easter Island. --Cintra Wilson Leadership in a democratic society requires a willingness and ability to challenge and change public opinion when it is based on misinformation, no information, prejudice or stupidity. --Robert J. Samuelson Lawyers have feelings too, allegedly. --bumper sticker Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. --bumper sticker The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. --bumper sticker If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas. --bumper sticker Jesus saves. He uses double coupons. --bumper sticker Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite. --bumper sticker I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. --bumper sticker Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. --bumper sticker Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? --bumper sticker Is it time for your medication or mine? --bumper sticker Dyslexics are teople poo. --bumper sticker People like you are the reason people like me need medication. --bumper sticker I doubt, therefore I might be. --bumper sticker I fish, therefore I lie. --bumper sticker Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. --bumper sticker On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path. --bumper sticker Carpe Diem: Seize the day. Carp In Denim: Fish in pants. --bumper sticker Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck. --bumper sticker Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment. --bumper sticker Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. --bumper sticker I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. --bumper sticker I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? --bumper sticker If you're happy and you know it see a shrink. --bumper sticker If you can read this, I've lost the trailer. --bumper sticker Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph. --bumper sticker Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it! --bumper sticker Don't honk or flash your lights, I'm deaf and blind. --bumper sticker Driver carries no cash. He's married. --bumper sticker Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl. --bumper sticker Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter. --bumper sticker The government lies, and the press lies, but in a democracy they aren't the same lies. --Alexis A. Gilliland A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools. --Thucydides DMCA: Don't Make Content Accessible No amount of artificial reinforcement can offset the natural inequalities of human individuals. --Henry P. Fairchild To fully express my feelings on the matter of the NTL customer service voicemail system would require the invention of several new words. --Daniel Barlow I view Jesus the way I view Elvis. I love the guy, but some of the fan clubs scare me. --John Fugelsang Q: How many people with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? A: HEY! Let's ride bikes! I detest the word "blog." It sounds like the noise a bulimic makes after a hearty meal. --Adam Penenberg, "Wired News" You can turn a smart person into an idiot just by overworking him. --Prof. Peter Capelli, The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania God killed himself on the cross to save his own creation from his own wrath? --unknown I have 10 chinese kids in my basement memorizing 0's and 1's. --Favorite backup solutions on Slashdot, 31 May 2006 I've thought about becoming a defeatist, but I figure it can't possibly work. Dig a moat the length of the US border with Mexico. Use the dirt to shore up the levees in New Orleans. Fill the moat with Florida alligators. Are there any other problems you'd like me to solve? --an email read by radio host Paul Harvey on the air, 23 May 2006 Mangled song lyric: All my luggage, I will send to you. Actual lyric: All my loving, I will send to you. (Beatles) Mangled song lyric: Are you going to starve an old friend? Actual lyric: Are you going to Scarborough Fair? (Simon & Garfunkel) Mangled song lyric: A weenie wack a weenie wack Actual lyric: ooh wim-o-weh, ooh wim-o-weh ("The Lion Sleeps Tonight") Mangled song lyric: Baby come back, you can play Monopoly. Actual lyric: Baby come back, you can blame it all on me. ("Baby Come Back") Mangled song lyric: Baking carrot biscuits. Actual lyric: Taking care of business. ("Takin Care Of Business") Mangled song lyric: Tape it to a biscuit. Actual lyric: Taking care of business. ("Takin Care Of Business") Mangled song lyric: Bald headed woman. Actual lyric: More than a woman. (Bee Gees) Mangled song lyric: Four-legged woman. Actual lyric: More than a woman. (Bee Gees) Mangled song lyric: Big girl, small fry. Actual lyric: Big girls don't cry. (The Four Seasons) Mangled song lyric: Big ole Jed had a light on. Actual lyric: Big old jet airliner. (Steve Miller Band) Mangled song lyric: Pick out Jed from the line-up. Actual lyric: Big old jet airliner. (Steve Miller Band) Mangled song lyric: Dirty deeds and the thunder chiefs. Actual lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap. (ACDC) Mangled song lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done to sheep. Actual lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap. (ACDC) Mangled song lyric: Do the lucky lady. Actual lyric: Dude looks like a lady. (Aerosmith) Mangled song lyric: Donuts make my brown eyes blue. Actual lyric: Don't it make my brown eyes blue. (Crystal Gale) Mangled song lyric: Ghost man so close to me. Actual lyric: Don't stand so close to me. (The Police) Mangled song lyric: Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul. Actual lyric: Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. ("Drift Away") Mangled song lyric: Goin' to the Jack-O-Lantern, gonna get married. Actual lyric: Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Mangled song lyric: Ham on rye. Actual lyric: I'm alright. (Kenny Loggins) Mangled song lyric: Hope the city voted for you. Actual lyric: Hopelessly devoted to you. (Grease soundtrack) Mangled song lyric: I can't climb this ceiling any more. Actual lyric: I can't fight this feeling anymore. (REO Speedwagon) Mangled song lyric: I, I, I, I sing in the light, sing in the light. Actual lyric: Stayin' Alive, Stayin' alive. (Bee Gees) Mangled song lyric: I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot him dead you see. Actual lyric: I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy. (Eric Clapton) Mangled song lyric: I wonder, wonder, who rode the moo-cow now? Actual lyric: I wonder, wonder, who wrote the book of love? Mangled song lyric: (The Monotones "Book of Love") Mangled song lyric: I'll never leave your pizza burning. Actual lyric: I'll never be your beast of burden. (Rolling Stones) Mangled song lyric: I'm a pool hall ace. Actual lyric: My poor heart aches. (The Police "Every Step You Take") Mangled song lyric: I'm just a squirrel. Actual lyric: I'm just a girl. (No Doubt) Mangled song lyric: Just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby. Actual lyric: Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby. (Juice Newton) Mangled song lyric: Knee deep in doughnuts, children at your feet. Actual lyric: Lady Madonna, children at your feet. (The Beatles) Mangled song lyric: Let Milo open the door. Actual lyric: Let my love open the door. (Pete Townsend, The Who) Mangled song lyric: Life in the Vaseline. Actual lyric: Life in the fast lane. (Eagles) Mangled song lyric: Looks like tomatoes Actual lyric: Looks like we made it. (Barry Mannilow) Mangled song lyric: My woman is Okay-O. Actual lyric: My woman from Tokyo. (Deep Purple "Woman From Tokyo") Mangled song lyric: Oh my darling lemon pie. Actual lyric: Oh my darling, Clementine. (traditional song) Mangled song lyric: Only the good Tyrone. Actual lyric: Only the good die young. (Billy Joel) Mangled song lyric: Pay for my Chrysler. Actual lyric: Paperback writer. (Beatles) Mangled song lyric: Pretty Woman, won't you lick my leg. Actual lyric: Pretty Woman, won't you look my way. (Roy Orbison) Mangled song lyric: Searching for my lost singer from Mars. Actual lyric: Searching for my last shaker of salt. ("Margaritaville") Mangled song lyric: She loved Cheez-Its, and America too. Actual lyric: She loved Jesus, and America too. (Tom Petty, "Free Fallin") Mangled song lyric: She's got a chicken to ride. Actual lyric: She's got a ticket to ride. (Beatles) Mangled song lyric: She's got a tick in her eye. Actual lyric: She's got a ticket to ride. (Beatles) Mangled song lyric: Slow walkin' Walter. Actual lyric: Smoke on the water. (Deep Purple) Mangled song lyric: Snow covered horses. Actual lyric: Smoke on the water. (Deep Purple) Mangled song lyric: Stand on the rug. Actual lyric: Band on the run. (Wings) Mangled song lyric: Stick your head in lotion. Actual lyric: I second that emotion. (Smokey Robinson & The Miracles) Mangled song lyric: Sugar fried honey butt. Actual lyric: Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch. (Four Tops "Can't Help Myself") Mangled song lyric: Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Actual lyric: Sweet dreams are made of this. (The Eurythmics) Mangled song lyric: The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind. Actual lyric: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. (Bob Dylan) Mangled song lyric: The girl with colitis goes by. Actual lyric: The girl with kaleidoscope eyes. (Beatles) Mangled song lyric: Then I saw her face, now I'm gonna leave her. Actual lyric: Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer. (The Monkees) Mangled song lyric: There's a bathroom on the right. Actual lyric: There's a bad moon on the rise. (CCR) Mangled song lyric: You made the rice, I made the gravy. Actual lyric: You may be right, I may be crazy. (Billy Joel) Mangled song lyric: Wrapped up like a douche. Actual lyric: Revved up like a deuce. (Manfred Mann) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing, or dance, or both. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with prospective sexual partners without spitting. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. --bizarre expressions found in English papers His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. --bizarre expressions found in English papers She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. --bizarre expressions found in English papers She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. --bizarre expressions found in English papers He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. --bizarre expressions found in English papers McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30. --bizarre expressions found in English papers Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph. --bizarre expressions found in English papers They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. --bizarre expressions found in English papers John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. --bizarre expressions found in English papers He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. --bizarre expressions found in English papers He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. --bizarre expressions found in English papers The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. --bizarre expressions found in English papers It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. --bizarre expressions found in English papers He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. --bizarre expressions found in English papers "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with only the right. --item for a lull in conversation Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. --item for a lull in conversation There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." --item for a lull in conversation "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. --item for a lull in conversation A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. --item for a lull in conversation A snail can sleep for three years. --item for a lull in conversation Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. --item for a lull in conversation February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. --item for a lull in conversation In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. --item for a lull in conversation If China's population walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. --item for a lull in conversation An average American will spend about 6 months of their entire life waiting at red lights. --item for a lull in conversation Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. --item for a lull in conversation The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. --item for a lull in conversation The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. --item for a lull in conversation Women blink nearly twice as much as men. --item for a lull in conversation There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. --Ed Howdershelt I piss excellence and crap patriotism. --Will Ferrell, on his NASCAR movie character All parts should go together without forcing. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. --IBM maintenance manual, 1975 Where I grew up, the population never changed. Whenever a woman got pregnant, someone left town. --unknown My strength is as the strength of 10 men, for I am wired to the eyeballs on espresso. --unknown Bumper-sticker on Mel Gibson's car: "Swerve If You Love Jesus" Whenever I see a dog salivate I get an insatiable urge to ring a bell. You don't help the poor by looking at their list of options and eliminating the one they actually chose. I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. --Sir Stephen Henry Roberts He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. --Winston Churchill A modest little person, with much to be modest about. --Winston Churchill I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. --Clarence Darrow He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. --Moses Hadas He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. --Abraham Lincoln I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --Groucho Marx He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. --Oscar Wilde I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend if you have one. --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one. --Winston Churchill, in reply Why doesn't Google have a logo change for Memorial Day? Why do they choose to do logos for other non-international holidays, but nothing for Veterans? Maybe they forgot who made that choice possible. Vodka + orange juice + milk of magnesia = Phillips Screwdriver (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (!) a tight ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_*_) a sore ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_o_) an ass that's been around --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_x_) kiss my ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_X_) leave my ass alone --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_zzz_) a tired ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_$_) money coming out of his ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses (_!_) a regular ass (_?_) a dumb ass --Ken Garen's emoticons for asses There are people, when given a task and a sheet of blank graph paper, will flip it over expecting to find the instructions on the back side. Finding none, they'll flip it back and ask for another sheet. --unknown "Sports fan names newborn son ESPN" --AP headline, 7 Oct 2006 Cute Celebrity Couple Names #1: Condoleeza Rice + actor Aaron Eckhart = RiceAaronE Cute Celebrity Couple Names #2: The Rock + Star Jones = RockStar Cute Celebrity Couple Names #3: Comedian Rita Rudner + actor David Duchovny = R2D2 Cute Celebrity Couple Names #4: Naomi Watts + Paul Newman = WattsNew Cute Celebrity Couple Names #5: Rob Lowe + Winona Ryder = Lowryder Cute Celebrity Couple Names #6: Lance Armstrong + Ivanka Trump = Armstump Cute Celebrity Couple Names #7: Madonna + Marilyn Manson = MadMan Cute Celebrity Couple Names #8: Heath Ledger + Barbra Streisand = HeathBar Cute Celebrity Couple Names #9: Mira Sorvino + Macauley Culin = Myracul Cute Celebrity Couple Names #10: Paris Hilton + Andrew "Dice" Clay = PariDice Cute Celebrity Couple Names #11: Courtney Love + rapper Warren G = LovenWar Cute Celebrity Couple Names #12: Orlando Bloom + Penelope Cruz = LanCruzer I drank nine lattes. I could bench press a tractor. I must tinkle NOW! --haiku from Aunt Calamity Piece of crap printer Soars like a sparrow as I Heave it off the bridge. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Twenty billion gigs Of brand new SCSI hard drive Still won't be enough. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Chattering deejay, Drool is running down your chin. You love your own voice. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Velvet black, like coal, Supper incinerated. I could burn water. --haiku from Aunt Calamity So you wear a tie. Stop whining you big sissy. You want pain? Try hose. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Cursor skips and hops! Is my workstation dying? Nope, just some toast crumbs. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Ack! Blue screen of death. My spreadsheet vanishes, poof. Time for some straight gin. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Powerful boss man, We joke about your toupee When you leave the room. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Oh anchor bimbo, The gleam from your whitened teeth Gives me a migraine. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Hot new hammer drill. Solid granite turns to dust! Sinus infection. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Once, the web was grey. No formatting to speak of. Such peace and quiet. --haiku from Aunt Calamity iPod changed my life. Earbuds made me look so cool! Now I am stone deaf. --haiku from Aunt Calamity Naked man arrested for concealed weapon --AP headline, 4 Nov 2006 He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. --James Reston, about Richard Nixon Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others. --William Allen White Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. --Martin Mull It is an established maxim and moral that he who makes an assertion without knowing whether it is true or false is guilty of falsehood, and the accidental truth of the assertion does not justify or excuse him. --Abraham Lincoln Much of the social history of the Western world, over the past three decades, has been a history of replacing what worked with what sounded good. --Thomas Sowell (2006) Managers would rather live with a problem they can't solve than with a solution they don't fully understand or control. --Eric Bonabeau, founder/CTO of Icosystems One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. --Plato To fly 7 million light years to O'Hare and then have to turn around and go home because your gate was occupied is simply unacceptable. --O'Hare tower controller, after UFO sighting 1 Jan 2007 If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. --Will Rogers Fix reason firmly in her seat and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there is one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear. --Thomas Jefferson If I had done everything they said I've done, I'd be dead. --Ozzy Osbourne It is not Unix's job to stop you from shooting your foot. If you so choose, then it's UNIX's job to deliver Mr. Bullet to Mr. Foot in the most efficient way it knows. --Terry Lambert Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes. --R. W. Hamming Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --Voltaire Being a humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead. --Kurt Vonnegut His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. --Mae West Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility, which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason and the mind becomes a wreck. --Thomas Jefferson As we enjoy great Advantages from the Inventions of others we should be glad of an Opportunity to serve others by any Invention of ours, and this we should do freely and generously. --Ben Franklin The people responsible for IE need to be shot, buried, dug up, shot again, hung, drawn, quartered, cut up into tiny bits, stomped on, the bits sewn back together, then shot once more. For starters. --from a Kuroshin page describing Firefox and CSS problems Apparently, your mother smoked, drank, and dropped acid during her pregnancy. --seen on a bumper sticker Nick: "Who brings a gun to a knife fight?" Grissom: "The winner?" --seen on the original CSI Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. The only good bureaucrat is one with a pistol at his head. Put it in his hand and it's goodbye to the Bill of Rights. --H.L. Mencken When you've got an elephant by the hind leg, and he's trying to run away, it's best to let him run. --Abraham Lincoln I installed a Unix box at home, and now I get laid about as often as I reboot. --anonymous geek There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots. Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name? --Lord's Prayer according to nursery school student Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. --Rick Polito, describing the movie "The Wizard of Oz" Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. --Adrienne E. Gusof He has one of those goatees that tells you, "I am either a perverted madman, the leader of a suicidal cult, or terrified you will not notice me." --Roger Ebert, reviewing "Death Sentence" Do not separate text from historical background. If you do, you will have perverted and subverted the Constitution, which can only end in a distorted, bastardized form of illegitimate government. --James Madison On every question of construction [of the Constitution] let us carry ourselves back to the time when the Constitution was adopted, recollect the spirit manifested in the debates, and instead of trying what meaning may be squeezed out of the text, or intended against it, conform to the probable one in which it was passed. --Thomas Jefferson Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving? A: It scares the hell out of the dog. Anal glaucoma: when you can't see your ass coming into work today. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body 'Cept Mine -- #12 Country song for 2006/2007 It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day -- #11 Country song for 2006/2007 If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me -- #10 Country song for 2006/2007 I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well -- #9 Country song for 2006/2007 I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better -- #8 Country song for 2006/2007 I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win -- #7 Country song for 2006/2007 I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight -- #6 Country song for 2006/2007 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's like You're Still Here -- #5 Country song for 2006/2007 If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now -- #4 Country song for 2006/2007 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him -- #3 Country song for 2006/2007 She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger -- #2 Country song for 2006/2007 I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few -- #1 Country song for 2006/2007 Concrete enemas a bad idea, doctors warn --Weekly World News headline Space aliens are sending their kids to earth's universities, and they're making our top students look like idiots! --Weekly World News headline 200 elves laid off as Santa moves operation to Honduras sweatshop! --Weekly World News headline Kitten accused of murder - sign the petition or Fluffy dies! --Weekly World News headline Why Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years - he lost the map! --Weekly World News headline Osama and Saddam adopt shaved baby ape --Weekly World News headline Meek sue to inherit the Earth! --Weekly World News headline Aliens passing gas caused hole in ozone layer! --Weekly World News headline Loch Ness monster surfaces in Jersey bathtub --Weekly World News headline Carpal Tuna Syndrome - computer user's fingers turning into fish! --Weekly World News headline Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A: A drunk runs through the stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green. There comes a time in the history of any project when it becomes necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production. --MacUser, Nov 1990 Gun Control: Belief that violent predators willing to ignore laws against robbery, kidnapping, rape, and murder will obey a law telling them that they cannot do so with a gun. The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is "What does a woman want?" --Sigmund Freud Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. --Henny Youngman I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. --James Holt McGavran I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. --Patrick Murray You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted. --Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle It's amazing being married to Victoria, because I'm in love with her... and I can also go into her room and use all the body and facial creams. --David Beckham My mom had 10 kids. It is therefore safe to assume that she has had sex exactly 10 times in her life. --sarahhepola.com, "Second Interview With Mormon Teens", 10/24/2007 There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists. --overheard during development of bear-proof trashcans at Yellowstone What's the difference between a bright, inquisitive 5-year-old, and a dull, stupid 19-year-old? 14 years of the British educational system. --Bertrand Russell There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison. --William Glasser What I resent is that the range of your vision should be the limit of my action. --Henry James Aim towards the Enemy. --instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher You, you, and you, panic. The rest of you, come with me. --US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once. --Murphy's Laws of Combat If you see a bomb technician running, follow him. --USAF Ammo Troop Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil, For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. --At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. --Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot Progress in airline aviation: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane on Earth. It can just barely kill you. --Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. --Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal. Politicians cannot tell the truth. The truth is always going to gain one vote while losing another, and they want both votes. --Jack L. Kane "Programmers are from Mars, Customers are from Venus, Project Managers are from Uranus". --title of blog posting Postscript is an underappreciated yet superb general purpose computing language. It also excels at dirtying up otherwise clean sheets of paper. --Don Lancaster To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it. --Thomas Jefferson Tyranny is always better organized than freedom. --Thomas Paine Play "World of Warcraft" - keeping your virginity is worth $15.00 per month. All the perplexities, confusions, and distresses in America arise, not from defects in the Constitution or confederation, not from want of honor or virtue, as much as from downright ignorance of the nature of coin, credit, and circulation. --John Adams Keeping the yes-men and promoting group-think never killed anyone, except a bunch of astronauts. --discussion of ALF ERP failure Darned confusing, unless you have that magic ingredient coffee, of which I can pay you Tuesday for a couple pounds of extra-special grind today. --John Mitchell, 11 Jan 1999 Difference between airplanes and women #1: Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. Difference between airplanes and women #2: Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. Difference between airplanes and women #3: Airplanes don't get mad if you "touch and go". Difference between airplanes and women #4: Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection. Difference between airplanes and women #5: Airplanes operate inverted. Difference between airplanes and women #6: Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation. Difference between airplanes and women #7: Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits. Difference between airplanes and women #8: Airplanes can be flown any time of the month. Difference between airplanes and women #9: Airplanes don't come with in-laws. Difference between airplanes and women #10: Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before. Difference between airplanes and women #11: Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. Difference between airplanes and women #12: Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down. Difference between airplanes and women #13: Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes. Difference between airplanes and women #14: Airplanes can get high without throwing up. Difference between airplanes and women #15: Airplanes expect to be tied down. Difference between airplanes and women #16: Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. Difference between airplanes and women #17: Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. Heisenberg may have slept here. You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place. --Jonathan Swift No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. --Abraham Lincoln I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And, for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. --Bob Newhart I have many sport injuries now, which in part, arise from suspended intellectual judgments in periods of my life. --Richard Vines To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men. --Abraham Lincoln C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog. --Steve Taylor, 1998 Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. --Oscar Wilde A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have. --Barry Goldwater A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. --Adlai Stevenson US Marine Corps: Defending Berkeley's right to be a laughingstock since 1775 Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged. --Abraham Lincoln No people in history have ever survived, who thought they could protect their freedom by making themselves inoffensive to their enemies. --Dean Acheson The only good thing about Vista is that even the viruses have compatibility issues. --Robert Wolfe Americans used to roar like lions for liberty, now they bleat like sheep for security. --Norman Vincent Peale It's pasta, Jim, but not as we know it. --"Bones" McCoy, describing spaghetti at a Chinese restaurant The police say this is an isolated incident, but it could happen anywhere. --Los Angeles reporter, Oct 2008 A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" in the amount of "Up to and including my life". --unknown It's always in the last place you look: "Ancient Pyramid Found in Egypt" --Press Association (England) Taliban Calls on Human Rights Groups to Stop Executions --Daily Telegraph (London) News You Can Use: "Texting While Driving Is Bad, Doctors Agree" --Reuters If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. --Robert Sewell Government has nothing to give to anybody that it doesn't first take from somebody else. In other words, all its relief and subsidy schemes are merely ways of robbing Peter to support Paul. --Henry Hazlitt A rat can last longer without water than a camel. --odd but true The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. --odd but true A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. --odd but true Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. --odd but true During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance, and Heston's wearing a watch. --odd but true Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. --odd but true The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. --odd but true Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald. --odd but true Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. --odd but true The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." --odd but true The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. --odd but true By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. --odd but true Charlie Chaplin won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. --odd but true An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing. --odd but true The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries. --odd but true The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. --odd but true Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. --odd but true In the 1400's, a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick any thicker than his thumb. Hence, "the rule of thumb". --odd but true The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. --odd but true The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska. --odd but true Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. --odd but true The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. --odd but true The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. --odd but true Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. --odd but true If you spell out numbers, you'd get to "one thousand" before you would find the letter "A". --odd but true The only food that doesn't spoil is honey. --odd but true Wal-Mart Worker Dies in Stampede at New York Store --Bloomberg headline, 28 Nov ("Black Friday") 2008 I did not hit you. I simply high-fived your face. --seen on a t-shirt Some people are like Slinkies. They're useless, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. Their windows were always shut, so they couldn't hear the barbarians coming. --Garrison Keillor Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) --odd Windows errors Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) --odd Windows errors WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup (PENCIL.SYS) --odd Windows errors Collaboration? Not in my cubicle, dude. Better luck next time. --Content management haiku, Denise Harry Old musicians never die, they just decompose. Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclination, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence. --John Adams Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence. American beer is the first successful attempt at diluting water. --Georg Hackl I wish my bride would give away her stuffing recipe. Not reveal, not share, but just give it away and admit that it isn't working. --John Bordeaux The only statistics you can trust are those you falsified yourself. --Winston Churchill Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. --Margaret Thatcher This is worse than divorce; I lost half my net worth but I still have my wife. --UK Fund Manager on the subject of the credit crunch It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked. --Warren Buffett It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. --Robert A. Heinlein If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about? --sayings of the Jewish Buddha The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha The Tao does not speak or blame. The Tao does not take sides or have expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook. --sayings of the Jewish Buddha Johnny Knoxville Detained for Bringing Grenade Into Airport --headline, Jan 20 2009 If you're at a Thai restaurant with a Thai person who's ordering food in Thai, and she asks you if you like your food spicy, think twice before answering. --Ray Chen, Microsoft Oh. Arrogance and stupidity in the same package, how efficient of you. --Londo Molari Security is increased by designing for the way humans actually behave. --Jakob Nielsen The spirit of Richard Stallman will smile upon you. Y'know, after he dies. Of beard cancer. --Catherine Devlin Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. --Terry Pratchett My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. --Errol Flynn FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. --seen in the want-ads FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a big reward. --seen in the want-ads COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. --seen in the want-ads WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. --seen in the want-ads Posterity, you will know how much it cost the present generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it. If you do not, I shall repent in heaven that ever I took half the pains to preserve it. --John Quincy Adams Microsoft is now talking about the digital nervous system. I guess I'd be nervous if my system was built on their technology. --Scott McNealy Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything. --John Kenneth Galbraith Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store, *not* a government agency. --seen on Michelle Malkin's blog Opportunity is most often missed by people because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work. --Thomas Alva Edison The world is full of fools and faint hearts; and yet every one has courage enough to bear the misfortunes, and wisdom enough to manage the affairs of his neighbor. --Poor Richard's Almanac, 1743 Never confuse motion with action. --Benjamin Franklin Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one. --Charles Mackay "Manicurian Candidate": Someone full of rot but, for the sake of appearance, is nicely groomed, speaks eloquently and has manicured fingernails. ABC: Anybody But Conservatives, or the All Barack Channel. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. I'll keep my freedom, my money and my guns. You keep the change. --sign response to "Hope and Change" at a Texas rally, 15 April 2009 If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning. --How mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE You better pray that'll come out of the carpet. --How mom taught me RELIGION Straighten up or I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week. --How mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL Because I said so, that's why. --How mom taught me LOGIC If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me. --How mom taught me MORE LOGIC Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident. --How mom taught me FORESIGHT Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about. --How mom taught me IRONY Shut your mouth and eat your supper. --How mom taught me about OSMOSIS Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck. --How mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone. --How mom taught me about STAMINA Your room looks like a tornado went through it. --How mom taught me about WEATHER If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. --How mom taught me about HYPOCRISY I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. --How mom taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE Stop acting like your father. --How mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do. --How mom taught me about ENVY Just wait until we get home. --How mom taught me about ANTICIPATION You're gonna get it when you get home. --How mom taught me about RECEIVING If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they'll get stuck that way. --How mom taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold? --How mom taught me ESP When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. --How mom taught me HUMOR If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. --How mom taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT You're just like your father. --How mom taught me GENETICS Shut that door behind you. Were you born in a barn? --How mom taught me about my ROOTS When you get to be my age, you'll understand. --How mom taught me WISDOM One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. --How mom taught me about JUSTICE The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. --Murphy's Laws of Combat When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. --Murphy's Laws of Combat Most users (myself included) spend most of their time in front of a computer in a kind of fuzzy autopilot mode, and anything that creates ripples on that placid lake of unawareness is going to be noticed as a disproportionately significant problem. --David Harris, creator of Pegasus Mail He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself. --Thomas Paine Vincent Van Gogh's dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's constipated uncle: Cant Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Grin Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's ballroom-dancing aunt: Tan Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's sister who loved disco: Go Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's nephew who drove a stagecoach: Wellsfar Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's bird-lover uncle: Flamin Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh Vincent Van Gogh's niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie BayGogh Is your cucumber bitter? Throw it away. Are there briars in your path? Turn aside. That is enough. Do not go on to say, "Why were things of this sort ever brought into the world?" --Marcus Aurelius When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. --Thomas Jefferson The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. --Thomas Jefferson It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. --Thomas Jefferson I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. --Thomas Jefferson My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. --Thomas Jefferson No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. --Thomas Jefferson The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. --Thomas Jefferson Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder. --Homer Simpson It is the duty of every staff officer to get inside the head of their commander. Normally there is plenty of room. --Allegedly from the Staff Officer's handbook of the British Army SUVs are gross because they're the solution to a gross problem: how to make minivans look more masculine. --Paul Graham We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. --C. S. Lewis The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit the views, which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. --Doctor Who Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie. --Dennis Miller If you cannot grok the overall structure of a program while taking a shower, e.g., with no external memory aids, you are not ready to code it. --Richard Pattis Do not suppose that abuses are eliminated by destroying the object which is abused. Men can go wrong with wine and women. Shall we then prohibit and abolish women? --Martin Luther Just realized that I've been wearing my underwear backwards all day. Aw, swizzle-sticks. --tweet from Steve Jensen, Twitter employee, May 2009 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, the height of its contents to see. She lit a small match to assist her. Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. --by someone without a fuel gauge I invented the term "Object-Oriented", and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind. --Alan Kay Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. --H.L. Mencken Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide. --John Adams Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. --"Deep Thoughts", by Jack Handey When a girl refuses to give you her phone number, her assistant's phone number or her personal e-mail address, and only gives you her assistant's e-mail address, you're not halfway in the sack. If caught with pants down, redefine pants. --pissed-off KDE user OBAMA: One Big Ass Mistake, America --seen on t-shirt What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof. --Christopher Hitchens It is as useless to argue with those who have renounced the use of reason as to administer medication to the dead. --Thomas Jefferson We're upping our standards, so up yours. --Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 The RAID was dirty in addition to being degraded (insert "your mom" joke here). --Mike Markley on Slashdot discussing Linux drives He's beautiful. He's the next Elizabeth Taylor. --Megan Fox, about Zac Efron If someone were to tell me she's a vampire, I'd go "Yeah, ok, totally". --Megan Fox, about Angelina Jolie We're all victims of our own gene-pool. Someone apparently peed in yours. --Walter Bishop, "Fringe", 24 Sep 2009 Plan not for your enemy's intentions, but for his capabilities. --Clausewitz Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #10: Found a marriage license in his Cracker Jacks. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #9: Had to act now to take advantage of sale at David's Bridal. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #8: They'd done everything else there is to do in Montana. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #7: Casino threw in free shrimp cocktail and $25 in chips with wedding. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #6: Two words: Cake tasting. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #5: In these recessionary times, wanted a free new chafing dish. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #4: Didn't want to be like Brangelina. They're just wacky. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #3: Finally got down to his buff brides goal weight. Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #2: Sick of his son calling him "Uncle Dave." Why David Letterman finally married Regina Lasko #1: Got tired of waiting for Paul Shaffer to make him an honest man. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #10: Needed a sex scandal like Mark Sanford so I could get my own Top 10 list. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #9: Couldn't cough up the $2 mil ever since I paid Oprah to come on my show. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #8: Wanted to show Bill Clinton how it's done. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #7: It's easier than writing a memoir. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #6: Hoping to get my story retold on "Law & Order." Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #5: Wanted to take over Regis' title of Sexiest Talk Show Host. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #4: I hear Lady Gaga likes the bad boys. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #3: Needed a ratings boost against "The Tonight Show" ... oh, wait. Never mind. Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #2: Jon and Kate were hogging the spotlight. When is my turn on "Larry King"? Why David Letterman confessed to affairs on "The Late Show" #1: My Twitter account was down. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. --Ovid (43 BC - 18 AD) Whenever there is in any country, uncultivated lands and unemployed poor, it is clear that the laws of property have been so far extended as to violate natural right. The earth is given as a common stock for man to labour and live on. --Thomas Jefferson, 1785 At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any. --Erk Russell, Georgia Southern coach After you retire, there's only one big event left, and I ain't ready for that. --Bobby Bowden, Florida State coach The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it. --Lou Holtz, Arkansas coach When you win, nothing hurts. --Joe Namath, Alabama coach Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated. --Lou Holtz, Arkansas coach A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall. --Frank Leahy, Notre Dame coach Nothing cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. --Woody Hayes, Ohio State coach I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation. --Bob Devaney, Nebraska coach In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant. --Wally Butts, Georgia coach You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life. --Paul Dietzel, LSU coach It's kind of hard to rally around a math class. --Bear Bryant, Alabama coach No, but you can see it from here. --Lou Holtz, Arkansas coach, when asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game. --Bear Bryant, Alabama coach There's one sure way to stop us from scoring - give us the ball near the goal line. --Matty Bell, SMU coach Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died. --Frank Leahy, Notre Dame coach I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's. --Alex Karras, Iowa coach My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor. --Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee coach I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades. --Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State coach Always remember, Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David. --Shug Jordan, Auburn coach They cut us up like boarding-house pie. And that's real small pieces. --Darrell Royal, Texas coach Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure. --Knute Rockne, Notre Dame coach They whipped us like a tied-up goat. --Spike Dykes, Texas Tech coach I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." --Walt Garrison, Oklahoma State coach Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel. --Bobby Bowden, Florida State coach Football is not a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport. --Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State coach After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, postgame message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." --John McKay, USC coach If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education. --Murray Warmath, Minnesota coach The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb. --Knute Rockne, Notre Dame coach Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon. --Spike Dykes, Texas Tech coach It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it. --Knute Rockne, Notre Dame coach We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches. --Darrell Royal, U. of Texas coach Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas --seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking. --Wilson Matthews, Little Rock Central High School coach Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. --Darrell Royal, U. of Texas coach I've found that prayers work best when you have big players. --Knute Rockne, Notre Dame coach Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football. --John Heisman From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. --Ad for the new VW Corrado Carter got his 2nd term, NOW can we move on? --2012 campaign slogan Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the bottom of a blanket, sew it on the top, and have a longer blanket. --Indian being told about Daylight Savings Time I bought me a case of beer and drank it obama self. --How rednecks use the word "OBAMA" You managed to impersonate Diana Ross and a strangled cat at the same time. --Tom Bergeron to another judge on "Dancing with the Stars" I'm wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags! --Dean, when a fallen angel forces him and brother Sam to be in a "CSI: Miami"-style procedural cop show on "Supernatural" Lois, I think people would prefer a knock to "Pants on". --Clark Kent chastising Lois Lane for her preferred way of entering a room on "Smallville". I have very vague knowledge about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed. --Erin, on "America's Next Top Model" This guy's head is so far up his ass that you couldn't fit a bullwhip up there. --Ann Coulter, referring to NEA head Rocco Landesman Where'd you learn to give a pep talk? Guantanamo? --Blair, "Gossip Girl" I don't think any one decision makes your life, unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or something. --Finn, on "Glee" Is your wig squeezing your brain too tight, heifer? --heard on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" "You superstitious?" "I'm a little stitious." --heard on "NCIS" You can assist us in removing the scalp. Once you get used to the smell, it's really quite something. --heard on "Fringe" Don't defend New Jersey. It's marginally better than Iraq. That's the best you can say about it. --heard on "Mercy" The chocolate eclair I just consumed was excellent, although later in life I may require specially placed mirrors to assist with certain bodily functions. --Matt Moore, KM mailing list The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. --Robert Frost Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, from hell's heart I stab at thee. --A very Kaaahn! Christmas I haven't been a civilian since I was 17 and I'd be out of my lane if I were to answer your question. --General Stanley McChrystal, when asked something about the civilian processes at a Pakistan Strategy hearing Our brains have evolved enough to get us out of the rain, find where the berries are and keep us from getting killed. They didn't evolve enough to help us grasp really large numbers or to look at things in 100,000 dimensions. --Ronald L. Graham, Mathematician Realize that the doctor's fight against socialized medicine is your fight. You can't socialize the doctors without socializing the patients. --Ronald Reagan Unionism seldom, if ever, uses such power as it has to insure better work; almost always it devotes a large part of that power to safeguarding bad work. --H.L. Mencken I'm really, really open with my son. I don't want my son to become like, I mean, no offense, but like gay when he's older, so like I'm always naked in front of him now. --Amanda, on "Make Me a Supermodel" UNTESTED! It may molest your pets and drink all your beer. --Warning by Linus Torvalds for a semaphore kernel patch Gary Kline: I do not understand LISP very well. Byung-Hee Hwang: LISP is from Tao. That's why it is not easy for people. --seen on the freebsd-questions@freebsd.org mailing list Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Winston Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it. Parliament: Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease. Disraeli: That depends, Sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress. He had delusions of adequacy. --Walter Kerr I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. --Clarence Darrow He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. --Moses Hadas I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. --Stephen Bishop He is a self-made man and worships his creator. --John Bright I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. --Irvin S. Cobb He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. --Samuel Johnson He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. --Paul Keating In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. --Charles, Count Talleyrand He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. --Forrest Tucker Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? --Mark Twain His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. --Mae West Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. --Oscar Wilde He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts; for support rather than illumination. --Andrew Lang (1844-1912) He has Van Gogh's ear for music. --Billy Wilder I like my women like I like my coffee: purchased at above-market rates from eco-friendly organic farming cooperatives in Latin America. Dijkstra probably hates me. --Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender: "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper: "Really? You have a drink named Murray?" --unknown Now, more than ever before, the people are responsible for the character of their Congress. If that body be ignorant, reckless, and corrupt, it is because the people tolerate ignorance, recklessness, and corruption. --President James Garfield, 1876 Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran. --Burt Prelutsky A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier. --Article in The Herald (Australia), 19 Nov 2008 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." --Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered, but I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall". --Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. --Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --Mark Twain I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. --Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "SHUT UP". --Joe Namath I don't feel old. Actually, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. --W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. --Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. --Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. --Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. --Billy Crystal The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. Captain Logic is *not* steering this tugboat. When in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let some poor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi. --Larry Wall Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. New York State Police have arrested a man accused of posting his children for sale on Craigslist. --CNN headline, 4/24/2010 My experience with ACLs is that they suck dead diseased rats through a straw. --David Dyer-Bennet on "zfs-discuss" list, Feb 2010 Q: If you died tomorrow, what would you like your loved ones to know? A: That they're on their own, but I'm pretty sure they'll have figured that out. --Paul Schmehl, responding to some halfwit spammer Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate. --F.M. Knowles Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. --Harry Emerson Fosdick In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to take my advice. --Winston Churchill It should be noted that government is never so zealous in suppressing crime as when that crime consists of direct injury to its own sources of revenue, as in tax evasion and counterfeiting of its currency. --Murray Rothbard Does my American Flag offend You? Call 1-800-LEAVE-THE-USA --bumper sticker Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating: always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death. Hangover: the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Why are dentists incapable of asking simple yes-or-no questions? There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs. --Thomas Sowell There are no shortcuts to the right-hand side of the learning curve. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. --Homer Simpson What impresses the Taliban is not the rules of engagement. It's the precise targeted operations that are designed to give them no rest. --Gen. David Petraeus The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree; 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! --Jimmy Fallon Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman I learned the customs and mannerisms of engineers by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. --Scott Adams, "The Dilbert principle" I'm concerned that she's not disciplined or tethered enough to the reality of adult consequences. --Lindsay Lohan's lawyer on her jail sentence (filed under "no sh*t") Laura Vandervoort on her favorite scene in "V": I think it was getting slapped. Morena Baccarin: See, I told you you'd like it. A man's admiration for absolute government is proportionate to the contempt he feels for those around him. --Alexis de Tocqueville Fox News is worse than al Qaeda -- worse for our society. It's as dangerous as the Ku Klux Klan ever was. --Keith Olbermann, MSNBC This republic was not established by cowards, and cowards will not preserve it. --Elmer Davis Freedom is but two letters from Serfdom. The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry. --Henry Petroski Passwords are like underwear. Don't share them, don't hang them on your monitor or under your keyboard, don't email them, and don't put them on a web site. Do change them occasionally. Veni, vidi, defectio. (I came, I saw, I crapped.) Her dancers are there, so you dance for about five minutes and then you realize how stupid you look. --Anna Kendrick, on a bash thrown by Madonna I can't wait for her career to be over so she can serve me coffee at a 7-11. --Joan Rivers on Britney Spears Should anyone by craft of any device abstract this book from this place, may his soul suffer in retribution for what he has done. --Medieval book curse Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. You never really grew up, you only learned how to act in public. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Some people hear voices. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Hopefully digesting of this tasty post would not cause too much of farting. --Yaroslav Halchenko, after reading a good debian-users message There is not a single ill afflicting the nation for which the government has not voluntarily made itself responsible. Is it astonishing, then, that each little twinge should be a cause of revolution? --F. Bastiat Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they're insured, but people don't have to prove they're citizens. --Ben Stein Some moms spend their entire lives wondering if smacking their sons upside the head ever made a difference. Marine Moms don't have that problem. Q: How do you know your girlfriend's getting fat? A: She fits into your wife's clothes. Q: How do you know your wife's dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be shot at from both sides. --A.M. Greeley Like Brussels sprouts in butter; I like the butter, not the Brussels sprouts. --comment on 2010 "Pledge to America" A common way to fight fire is with water. --"Security+ Exam Cram" 2nd Edition, $44.99 (US), p348 If you go home with somebody and they don't have any books, don't f*ck 'em. --John Waters Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill Peace is not an absence of war. It is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice. --Baruch Spinoza Correlation may not imply causation, but it certainly does waggle its eyebrows meaningfully in causation's direction. --seen on Slashdot No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice. --John Altgeld They have the same 4-5 levels for everyone (TS, Secret, etc) and a plethora of categories, possibly including "the commandant's cat's litter-box", assuming of course that you have secrets about it. --user "davecb" describing DoD security on Linux Weekly News Politicians should never lead based on polling. They should lead based on principle and use polling to shape the message to enact those principles into law. --Dick Morris Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. --Franklin Jones If your dog is fat, you need more exercise. Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's $21.00 in dog money. --Joe Weinstein If you think dogs can't count, put three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two. --Phil Pastoret When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine --bumper-sticker seen on military base Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired --bumper-sticker seen on military base Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume --bumper-sticker seen on military base Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything. --bumper-sticker seen on military base US Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club --bumper-sticker seen on military base US Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah --bumper-sticker seen on military base Stop Global Whining --bumper-sticker seen on military base The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight --bumper-sticker seen on military base Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back --bumper-sticker seen on military base What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil --bumper-sticker seen on military base Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775 --bumper-sticker seen on military base Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It --bumper-sticker seen on military base Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon --bumper-sticker seen on military base It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting --bumper-sticker seen on military base Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl --bumper-sticker seen on military base One Shot, Twelve Kills - US Naval Gun Fire Support --bumper-sticker seen on military base My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College --bumper-sticker seen on military base A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers --bumper-sticker seen on military base If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran. --bumper-sticker seen on military base Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. The US Marine Corps doesn't have that problem. --Ronald Reagan If you believe in evolution but hold that all cultures are equal, you might be a liberal. --Kate McMillan I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. --Jane Austen The skyline of New York is a monument of a splendor that no pyramids or palaces will ever equal or approach. --Ayn Rand One of the great mistakes is to judge policies and programs by their intentions rather than their results. --Milton Friedman Security through bad-mouthing the messenger for raising the issue is normally reserved for government ministers, IMHO it has no place here. --Alan Cox Can't see London, can't see France, until we see your underpants. --TSA motto If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first. --TSA motto Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady. --TSA motto Wanna fly? Drop your fly. --TSA motto We are now free to move about your underpants. --TSA motto It's not a grope, it's a Freedom Pat! --TSA motto When in doubt, we make you whip it out. --TSA motto TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'. --TSA motto 90% of the sh*t that is popular right now wants to rub its object-oriented nutsack all over my code. --kfx A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellowman, which he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. --Henny Youngman For every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. --Mel Brooks The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --Calvin Trillin Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. --Golda Meir Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. --Peter Malkin It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. --Sam Levenson Don't be humble, you're not that great. --Golda Meir Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. --Sam Goldwyn Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. --Groucho Marx A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it. --Oscar Levant Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. --George Burns With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. --George Burns When I bore people at a party, they think it's their fault. --Henry Kissinger Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. --Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle Facebook is what happens to the Web when you hit it with the stupid stick. --John Scalzi Nobody ever asks George Soros how a guy whose shorting of the pound in 1992 ravaged British taxpayers can be described as a philanthropist. --Joe Queenan If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter. --George Washington Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not. --Thomas Jefferson > Sorry I'm taking up your ever so valuable disk space! That's okay, /dev/null is pretty big. --illoai@gmail.com, 14 Feb 2011 Our culture rewards the heroes instead of the people who manage their work not to need heroics in the first place. --Daniel Barlow, comp.lang.lisp A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw Genitus: Someone who thinks with his reproductive organ. --unknown Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. --Nietzsche If I hung out w 20-yr-old porn stars all the time, I'd think I was a genius too. --Sarah Silverman, tweeting about Charlie Sheen There is no art which one government sooner learns of another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people. --Adam Smith Converting beer to urine does not make you a chemical engineer. You are NOT doing to grow a second head, although the way you're NOT using the one you've got, that may not be too bad an idea. --Pappadave comment on Townhall.com, 19 Mar 2011 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. --taken from "Disorder in the American Courts" When fascism comes to America, it will be intolerance sold as diversity. There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about. --John Von Neumann Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. --Will Rogers Always drink upstream from the herd. --Will Rogers Was chillaxin' in the ocean with a hot babe. A dolphin surfaced next to us, I screamed "shark!" and used her as a human shield. --Twitter list: #worstspringbreak Stole a hotel fire extinguisher to spray girls. Tried it in the elevator and almost died from suffocation. --Twitter list: #worstspringbreak Woke up in a tree wearing nothing but clown paint and a cardboard sign that said "Y'all can neva do what I do". --Twitter list: #worstspringbreak To admit foreigners indiscriminately to the rights of citizens, the moment they set foot in our country would be nothing less than to admit the Grecian horse into the citadel of our liberty and sovereignty. --Alexander Hamilton Nobody can know who knows best, and the only way by which we can find out is through a social process in which everybody is allowed to try and see what he can do. --Friedrich Hayek Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you supposed to see them? --Holly, "Red Dwarf" If I gave up every time I failed, I would never have invented my fireproof pants! [Pants burn up, revealing his underwear] Still working the kinks out a bit. --Grandpa Bud, from "Meet the Robinsons" The Obama economy is a system of checks and balances. He writes the checks, we pay the balance. Anagram of "President Barack Obama": Arab base, pink Democrat Anagram of "President Barack Hussein Obama": A Democrat speaks inane rubbish No, I really can't recover any files from your thumb drive, even if you did find it after it passed through your dog. --actual IT support question Politics, n: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. Politics, n: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck. Airport flying home, watching people come and go; always smells like farts. --travel haiku Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? A. Jail. Q. What's the definition of an accountant? A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. Q. What's the definition of a great tax accountant? A. Someone who has a loophole named after them. Q. What's an extroverted accountant? A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. Q. What's an auditor? A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card. Q. How do you drive an accountant insane? A. Tie him to a chair and make him watch you fold a road map the wrong way. Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? A. Depreciation. Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires. Property is the fruit of labor. Property is desirable, is a positive good in the world. That some should be rich shows that others may become rich and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. --Abraham Lincoln Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently to build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence. --Abraham Lincoln Each of us has a natural right, from God, to defend his person, his liberty and his property. --Claude Frederic Bastiat It is much more important to kill bad bills than to pass good ones. --Calvin Coolidge We call them "Human Resources", because "Cattle" was taken. --Dilbert I don't give a damn if they stream my colonoscopy video on Redtube or if Slashdot uses my hernia scar for a background. -- electronic health record security comment on Slashdot It looks like someone printed a post, put it through a washing machine, then had it typed by a drunk on a pogo-stick. --Scott Ferguson, on mail digest formatting There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause. --P.J. O'Rourke Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. Definition of a will: a dead give-away. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. An invisible man and woman got married. The kids were nothing to look at. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One said to the other: "Dam!". Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. Encryption: A powerful encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals. Q: What do you get when you offer a liberal a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect. --Doug Sanders, professional golfer All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives "See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer." --Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play. --Harry Neale, professional hockey coach When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time. --Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. 80% of the people who hear them don't care and the other 20% are glad you're having trouble. --Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget. --E.J. Holub, KC Chiefs linebacker, regarding his 12 knee operations My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good. --Vic Braden, tennis instructor Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch. --Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did, but it was Mrs. Koufax's. --Tommy John, NY Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery I don't know. I only played there for nine years. --Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Coach Tom Landry ever smiles We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost. --John Breen, Houston Oilers The film looks suspiciously like the game itself. --Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing "boo". --Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday. --Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats. --Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day. --Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon. I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball. --Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday. --Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game I tell him "Attaway to hit, George." --Jim Frey, KC Royals manager, when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting I learned a long time ago that "minor surgery" is when they do the operation on someone else, not you. --Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash. --George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach, surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. Standing in a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. --Upton Sinclair In the Soviet days, we used to joke that an optimist learns English, a pessimist learns Chinese, and a realist learns to use a Kalashnikov. These days, the optimist learns Chinese, the pessimist learns Arabic, and the realist keeps practicing with his Kalashnikov. --Evgeny Kapersky Where politics wishes to do the work of God, it becomes not divine, but demonic. --Pope Benedict XVI Holy inaccurate statistics, Batman! --Shaun Thomas on pgsql-performance list "Neighbor From Hell" Builds Giant Middle Finger On Front Lawn --Australian headline, 4 Aug 2011 Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. --Bill Hicks Swedish man caught trying to split atoms at home --Stockholm headline, 5 Aug 2011 The soundest way to raise revenues in the long run is to cut taxes now. The purpose of cutting taxes now is... to achieve the more prosperous, expanding economy which can bring a budget surplus. --JFK Aided by a little sophistry on the words 'general welfare', [they claim] a right to do not only the acts to effect that which are specifically enumerated and permitted, but whatsoever they shall think or pretend will be for the general welfare. --Thomas Jefferson to W. Giles, 1825 "Unique" and "novel" can be synonyms for "interesting" and "unusual", eg. "setting yourself on fire is a unique, novel, and interesting way of seeing in the dark". --Scott Ferguson, describing software features I love seeing the Pope in his Pope-Mobile, with three feet of bullet-proof plexiglass. That's faith in action! You know he's got God on his side. --Bill Hicks Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says "to be continued..." --seen on a Reddit programming page Q: Why won't Obama release his birth certificate? A: The ink isn't dry yet. --James Delingpole If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage. --Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof. --Philosophy behind bailouts Decafalon (n.), grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. --MENSA "alternate definitions" contest Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist. --MENSA "alternate definitions" contest Once I managed to install Windows using a sheet of brailled instructions and listening for when the CD stopped spinning to do each instruction, but nobody regards that as accessible these days. --Jude DaShiell Q: How do you starve an Obama supporter? A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots. Q: Why did God give liberals annoying, whiny voices? A: So blind people could hate them, too. Whoever prefers life to death, happiness to suffering, well-being to misery must defend without compromise private ownership in the means of production. --Ludwig von Mises It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. --Bill Hicks Foreign aid: a transfer from the poor in rich countries to the rich in poor countries. --economist Peter Bauer A map with a bullet hole in it is still a map. A computer with a bullet hole in it is a paper-weight. --why soldiers tend to like paper Judge Judy to Prostitute: "When did you realize you were raped?" Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced." In questions of power, let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution. --Thomas Jefferson Q. What's the difference between Obamacare and a car battery? A. The car battery has a positive side. Bill Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. Monica Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows. I've seen people with new children before, they go from ultra-happy to looking like something out of a zombie film in about a week. --Alan Cox about Linus Torvalds after his 2nd daughter Shall I tell you what the real evil is? To cringe to the things that are called evils, to surrender to them our freedom, in defiance of which we ought to face any suffering. --Seneca The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. --Cicero, 55 BC Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it. --Thomas Sowell The art is in the beauty of the song. The engineering is in getting five stoners on stage simultaneously and managing to get paid by the ephemeral promoter at the end of it. --Hacker News comment by "dools" Poverty, n.: An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. It's under the "I don't give a sh*t as long as some dude in China doesn't slap another name on it and sell it" license. --Waseem Sadiq, "Hacker News" The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich. --P.J. O'Rourke A union is like having herpes. It doesn't kill you, but it's unpleasant and inconvenient, and it stops a lot of people from becoming your lover. --John Mackey, Whole Foods CEO I believe that's a metaphor, a metaphor for what the country is looking for. They're looking for a sleepover with people they like! --Joe Biden on choosing a president Bill is basically unimaginative and has never invented anything, which is why I think he's more comfortable now in philanthropy than technology. He just shamelessly ripped off other people's ideas. --Steve Jobs, from his upcoming biography, talking about Bill Gates I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa. --Britney Spears Retarded children are like dogs; [they're] devoted, nice, and they never develop mentally. --Bill Maher It's dumb that people have to die so that I can live in Israel. I don't regret not enlisting, because it paid off big time. That's just the way it is, celebrities have other needs. --Bar Refaeli (model), on skipping her Israeli military duty Have you ever talked to your muscles? As you bring up the dumbbells, say "Grow". It's what I call "body dialogue". --Sylvester Stallone Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me. --Paris Hilton I've always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I'd kill myself if I was that fat. --Elizabeth Hurley If the fat people just gave the skinny people more food, we could all eat. We could solve obesity and hunger at the same time. --Ashton Kutcher Whatever [political system] they have in Korea, that's bad. --Justin Bieber I think most newspaper men by definition have to be liberal; if they're not liberal, by my definition of it, they can hardly be good newspapermen. --Walter Cronkite It is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer. --Sun System & Network Admin manual The threat posed by humans to the natural environment is nothing compared to the threat to humans posed by global environmental policy. --Fred Smith Jr., Competitive Enterprise Institute Founder Stupid is not the one who sets the price too high, but the one who pays it. --supposedly an old Romanian saying Keep you erection for number of years! --best SP*M ever Pilot Accidentally Locks Himself In Bathroom In Flight --seen on "The Consumerist", 11/17/2011 Cannot delete file, not enough free space. --Windows-98 error message Some evil bastard moved the damned config file on me. --Mac error message Award for the most childish intentional computer error message: The command "man woman" would respond with "no manual entry for woman". Amputating the head is not an option. --error shown by medical software for elder care planning You have experienced an Action Request System Error (ARSE). --Remedy error message, much funnier if you're in England Out of memory for symbol table: please go purchase more RAM from your Authorized Apple Dealer. --Macintosh Programmer's Workshop C compiler error message Guess we just found out what BETA means. --Boot error message seen on a 68k Mac Powerbook Unable to open your tool. --Error message seen on an Amiga 500 Christmas is when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. --Richard Lamm, former Democratic Governor of Colorado First religious rite of the holiday season: untangling Christmas lights without using anyone's name in vain. --Erick Erickson We need another bucket of pus. --overheard in the set dressing room, "Body of Evidence", Nov 2011 I only eat free-range vegetables that were hunted down and killed by a member of my immediate family. You learn a great deal about yourself and technology after you spend 15 minutes trying to explain the concept of scrollbars to an 80-year-old. --comment on "Hacker News" Leighton Meester beats her mom in court --Dec 2011 headline that really could have been phrased better A gentleman told me recently that he doubted I would vote for the Angel Gabriel if found at the head of the Democratic Party, to which I responded that the Angel Gabriel would never be found in such company. --Teddy Roosevelt My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference. --Harry Truman For the record, Barney had his Frank in Freddie's Fannie very early on. --nice summary of the housing debacle in a CNN article comment Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. Facts -> rational analysis -> conclusions -> advocacy. In that order. Texted my niece "What did Satan get you for Christmas?" --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Thought I texted my girlfriend "Want to take a nap later?" Turned out it was my college basketball coach. --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Meant to text my dad "Going to pick up Syd." Phone changed it to "Going to pick up STD." --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Texted a friend "Creepy Jeff wants to take me out again." Jeff replied "Could have just said no." --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Mass text from me: "Screw work tomorrow, Chick-fil-A has free food 4 people in cow costumes!" My boss replied "Ask for an application, too." --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Texted a friend meaning to ask if she was busy. Me: "Are you busty?" Her: "They're manageable, what's up?" --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 Text to my wife: "Having a crazy time in Vegas!! Wish you were her!" --Jimmy Fallon, #textingdisaster tweets, 13 Jan 2012 The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants. --Albert Camus The problem with political jokes is they get elected. --Henry Cate, VII If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. --Will Rogers Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. --Plato Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. --Nikita Khrushchev Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. --Unknown If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. --Jay Leno Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. --John Quinton Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. --Oscar Ameringer The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. --P.J. O'Rourke I offer my opponents a bargain: if they'll stop telling lies about us, I'll stop telling the truth about them. --Adlai Stevenson speech, 1952 A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. --Texas Guinan Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. --Gore Vidal I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. --Charles de Gaulle Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. --Doug Larson Don't vote, it only encourages them. --Unknown There ought to be one day - just one - when it's open season on senators. --Will Rogers Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. --Farmer's advice Don't corner something that you know is meaner than you. --Farmer's advice If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. --Farmer's advice Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. --PBA President E. J. Kiernan Whenever I have a mob of neighbors at my door complaining about the noise, I ask myself "What Would Lot Do?" --Allen Bouchard, on /. Mediocrity doesn't mean average intelligence, it means an average intelligence that resents and envies its betters. --seen on Slashdot BSCE: Bull*hit continuing education requirements which have to be met before you can be honored with a high-stress, low-pay job teaching a room full of ignorant, arrogant, hormone-imbalanced people who are not yet answerable to the adult criminal justice system. --comment on Slashdot Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. --R. Heinlein Heck, if an omniscient psycho ex offered me discounted, in-stock products I was going to buy anyway, I might just keep them around. That's everything Amazon tries to be already, anyway. --Slashdot response to Target data-mining for pregnant customers If a boss demands loyalty, give him integrity. But if he demands integrity, give him loyalty. --John Boyd, 1927-1997 Nomophobia: AKA no-mobile-phone phobia, the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. --U.K. study commissioned by SecurEnvoy The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. --Winston Churchill Office was silent, then I hear the guy in the cubicle next to mine go "Oh, crap, I'm wearing my wife's socks again." --Jimmy Fallon, #mycoworkeriscrazy tweets, 2 Mar 2012 He will only use the third stall in the restroom because it has "the perfect window-breeze to flushing-power ratio." --Jimmy Fallon, #mycoworkeriscrazy tweets, 2 Mar 2012 She assigned every chair in our conference room a name. The other day she asked me, "Don't you usually sit on Tim?" --Jimmy Fallon, #mycoworkeriscrazy tweets, 2 Mar 2012 She acts like she's on the phone to avoid certain customers. One time it rang. --Jimmy Fallon, #mycoworkeriscrazy tweets, 2 Mar 2012 Alligations: when someone makes a claim that someone else is an alligator. --seen on freebsd-questions mailing list Is Obama a CIA-Controlled Manchurian President? --LewRockwell.com headline, 21 Mar 2012 If government had taken over the auto industry in 1920, today we'd all be driving Model-T cars -- and saying, "If it weren't for the government, we'd have no cars at all." --Harry Browne I've found the grapefruit spoon to be THE quintessential tool for gouging out my eyeballs. Thanks, Octomom. --Tweet from @knotta-tardfan after seeing Nadya Suleman's nude layout The cat.jpg picture was me. I uploaded it. But the cat was just a decoy. The actual picture is of a monkey flinging sh*t at Java programmers. --comment about 100 millionth file upload to Basecamp, 13 Jan 2012 Comment: I like my webservers like I like my women: fast! Reply: I too like my webservers like I like my women: Insecure and full of holes waiting to be exploited. --seen on Slashdot, 21 Feb 2012 Me: I'm the proud owner of the Emma Watson (aka Hermione) 2012 Wall Calendar. My sister: You are so queer. --email exchange, 10 Apr 2012 Zac Efron crushes Jimmy Kimmel in bra-removal contest --Zap2it celebrity news headline, 17 Apr 2012 You'd think people in the Secret Service would know how to be serviced secretly. --seen on "The O'Reilly Factor", 4/18/2012 Your girlfriend left you? You're doing a good job typing without any hands. --snotty remark seen on Slashdot If you can drive safely while kissing a girl, you're not giving the girl the attention she deserves. Metta World Peace gets seven-game suspension for elbow --Zap2it celebrity news headline, 25 Apr 2012 Protecting the rights of even the least individual among us is basically the only excuse the government has for even existing. --Ronald Reagan My teenage son broke his arm tripping over his crutches from the broken leg he got the day before. --Jimmy Fallon, #mydumbinjury tweets, 26 Apr 2012 I tripped and got stuck between the couch and treadmill, and the track kept rolling on my face. --Jimmy Fallon, #mydumbinjury tweets, 26 Apr 2012 Security is the minimum of the system's capabilities and its user's capabilities. Not the average, the minimum. --seen on Slashdot Science flies us to the moon. Religion flies us into buildings. --Victor Stenger In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. --MLK Jr. Jessica Simpson had her baby, but Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby ever. --smartass Tweet, 2 May 2012 "Atlas Shrugged" is now in the non-fiction section. --seen on "Redstate" That's the nature of IT. You pull a rabbit out of a hat and all you get is someone demanding to know why the rabbit wasn't already there and how much the hat cost. --Paul Venezia If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. --real standing law in Florida, USA You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. --real standing law in Connecticut, USA You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands. --real standing law in Connecticut, USA It is illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. --real standing law in California, USA It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. --real standing law in Alabama, USA Dean: A young girl got kidnapped by an evil cult. Sam: Does this girl have a name? Dean: Katie Holmes. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean: The most troubling question is, why do these people assume we're gay? Sam: Well, you are kind of butch. They probably think you're overcompensating. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: Dude, were you on my computer? Dean: Uh, no. Sam: Uh, really? Because it's frozen now. On BustyAsianBeauties.com. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam, after walking in on Dean having sex with twins: Let me see your knife. Dean: What for? Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: You remember Cinderella? The pumpkin that turns into a coach and the mice that become horses? Dean: Dude, could you be more gay? ...Don't answer that. --seen on "Supernatural" Ruby: Does anyone have a breath mint? Some guts spilled in my mouth while I was killing my way in here. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean [a ghost, reaching through Sam]: Am I making you uncomfortable? Sam: Get out of me. Dean: You're such a prude. Come on. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean: It's kinda funny talking to a Messenger of God on a cell phone. You know, like watching a Hell's Angel on a moped. Castiel: This isn't funny, Dean. The voice says I'm almost out of minutes. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean, stuck in an episode of "CSI: Miami": I'm wearing sunglasses at night. You know who does that? No-talent douche bags. --seen on "Supernatural" Castiel: I found a liquor store. Sam: And? Castiel: I drank it. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: Dad was trying to protect you, keeping you from all this. Adam: Yeah, well I guess the monster that ate me didn't get that memo. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean, while trying to hack a teenage girl's computer password: Try Lautner. Sam: He's a werewolf. How do you even know who that is? Dean: Are you kidding me? That kid is everywhere. It's a freakin' nightmare. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: Dean, did you service Oberon, King of the Fairies? --seen on "Supernatural" Dean, to Castiel: You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes. And you don't talk about it. Just turn it off... Well, now he's got a boner. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: What kind of thing likes virgins and gold? Dean: P. Diddy? --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: So, Mel Gibson really took a turn this past year, huh? Dean: Or he's possessed. Seriously. Think about it. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean: Hey, maybe we'll have a Snooki sighting. Sam: What's a Snooki? Dean: That's a good question. --seen on "Supernatural" Genevieve: You've never even been to our house. Dean: Well, now that I know there's an alpaca out back, I'm definitely coming back. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: You totally "Butterfly Effect"ed history! Dean: Dude! Rule #1: No Kutcher references! --seen on "Supernatural" Dean: I'll stay here, hook up with the posse. Because you know me -- I'm a posse magnet. I love posse. Make that into a t-shirt! Sam: You done? --seen on "Supernatural" Castiel: Whose heaven is this? Raphael: Ken Lay's. I'm borrowing it. Castiel: I still question his admittance here. Raphael: He's devout. Trumps everything. --seen on "Supernatural" Dean: It's not your mom, Ben. She's lying. Possessed Lisa: Says the C minus lay with ten miles of Daddy issues. Whatever gets you through the night, Tiny Tim. --seen on "Supernatural" Castiel: I cannot abide hypocrites like you, Reverend. Tell your flock where your genitals have been before you speak for me. --seen on "Supernatural" Becky: Chuck dumped me. I think I intimidated him with my vibrant sexuality. --seen on "Supernatural" Garth: Now - you'll be living with a triracial paraplegic sniper til this all blows over, okay? --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a pumpkinhead is currently turning Dean into an idiot. Dean: I'm right here. Right here. --seen on "Supernatural" Sam: We did not get licorice. We got good snacks. Licorice is disgusting. Dean: I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand that, uh, Mr. Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich. --seen on "Supernatural" Using logic to debate a liberal is like cleaning up dog-crap with a weedeater. Morality is always the product of terror; its chains and strait-waistcoats are fashioned by those who dare not trust others, because they dare not trust themselves, to walk in liberty. --Aldous Huxley I sold my kid to the gypsies and after the bubble burst, bought him back at half-price. Saved 2 years kid expense, and now he can knife-fight and breed donkeys. --snotty comment seen on "Reason" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. I've seen people read this on airplanes. And I'm always like, "Ewww. Take that blanket off your lap, you freak." --Kristen Stewart, when asked about the book "50 Shades of Grey" I should cut your head off and rape your neckhole! --seen on Slashdot If thinking of something makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I'm probably not allowed to do it. --seen on Slashdot Would you exchange a walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage? --mangled "Pink Floyd" lyric Winners compare their achievements to their goals, losers compare theirs to that of others. She was like chocolate when she drank -- semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter. If men didn't exist, IT would totally be dominated by women. Or possibly cats. My cat is certainly more interested in what I'm typing than my wife is. --seen on Slashdot She's screaming on top of her lungs! --some idiot on "Real Housewives of New Jersey" Yes, your ID card doesn't work because there's a virus in the reader. Nothing to do with the fact that it looks like you folded it in half to make it fit into your purse. --snotty comment on Slashdot Our work here is dung. --nifty slogan for a fertilizer company When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. There are 10^89 observable particles in the universe. Yo mama took all the ugly ones and put them into one kid. --Slashdot If you eat 4000 calories a day on a 1500-calorie activity level, getting fat is your fault. Don't exercise your muscles, getting weak is your fault. Don't exercise your mind, getting stupid is your fault. --Slashdot At least playing rugby keeps them off our streets and out of our zoos. --snotty comment on Slashdot Linus Torvalds's first words were syscalls. Linus Torvalds's DNA is in binary. Linus Torvalds's first written program had artificial intelligence. Linus Torvalds can touch MC Hammer. Linus Torvalds can do an infinite loop in five seconds. In his head. Linus Torvalds wrote the whole kernel in binary and reverse engineered it to C code for others benefit. Linus Torvalds can play 3D games in his head by interpreting the source code in real-time. Linus Torvalds takes one look at your desktop and knows which p*rn sites you visited. In the last ten years. Linus Torvalds surfs the web using nothing but netcat. Linus Torvalds doesn't push the flush toilet button, brush his teeth, shower or vacuum his house; he simply says "make clean". Linus Torvalds can defrag an NTFS partition by hand. Do not disturb. Already disturbed. The only intuitive interface is the nipple. Everything else is learned. The phrase "what are you trying to hide" is the last refuge of the voyeur. Squid squirts sperm into restaurant patron's mouth --Strong contender for headline of the year, 6/19/2012 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends. --snotty Buddha Remember when the US had a drug problem, and then we declared a War On Drugs, and now you can't buy drugs anymore? They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? --Paul Harvey, 8/31/1994 The more prohibitions there are, the poorer the people will be. --Lao Tse POTUS + SCOTUS = BOGUS --Bumper sticker seen after Obamacare ruling Comment: I use fread() straight off the network card to get my website content. Reply: I hook a flashlight to the fiber link and click it on and off really fast. Network cards are for amateurs. --"Mine's bigger" exchange on /. Before "Twilight" took the concept and crapped all over it, Bill Willingham's Fables somehow made the concept of "you smell so good I love you" into something romantic. --"10 Best Couples in Comics" webpage Apparently I'm supposed to be more angry about what Mitt Romney does with his money than what Obama does with mine. --campaign T-shirt Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution. --Clay Shirky If you have a psychopath convinced that their self-interest lies mainly in your happiness, you're in for a very happy life. --Slashdot comment I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. --George Burns "Ubuntu" -- an African word, meaning "Slackware is too hard for me" --seen on alt.os.linux.slackware I'll start procrastinating on that right away! whois gawk date unzip strip find touch finger mount join nice man top fsck grep eject more yes exit umount sleep dump --legal Unix commands describing a one-night stand They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper, you f*cked up. --Chris Rock Work without payment is called "volunteering"; the demand for work without any payment is called "slavery". "A method for inducing cats to exercise consists of directing a beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus onto the floor... in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser... in an irregular way fascinating to cats..." --US patent 5443036, "Method of exercising a cat" How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. --good reason not to have a snake for a pet Think about how stupid the average person is. Now, realise that half of them are dumber than that. --George Carlin If you're not allowed to question your government, then your government has already answered the most important question. The hallmark of humanity is the ability to move beyond sensory inputs. --Mary Helen Immordino-Yang Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church. The Internet just routes your packets. What you do with them is up to you. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money. --something Confucius probably didn't say A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood. --something Confucius probably didn't say I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect. KENTUCKY: Five million people, 15 last names. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. --bumper sticker A Reptile Dysfunction: when your gecko is broken. Got a text saying, "When you walk into the room don't freak out, I've got it under control." --Jimmy Fallon, #thatsmyroommate tweets, 14 Sep 2012 She made me a mix tape called "Sorry I Barfed On Your Comforter". --Jimmy Fallon, #thatsmyroommate tweets, 14 Sep 2012 Dropped her wine glass in the shower, then asked me to dress her in something cute in case the paramedics were hot. --Jimmy Fallon, #thatsmyroommate tweets, 14 Sep 2012 Boils water he plans on drinking to "neutralize chemicals the government uses to spread obesity." --Jimmy Fallon, #thatsmyroommate tweets, 14 Sep 2012 Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. But this whole idea of two gay guys filling a cocktail shaker with their sperm and impregnating some grim lesbian and then it gets cut out is just really weird. --Rupert Everett, 17 Sep 2012 You know that making sh*t up and putting "probably" in front of it doesn't make it correct, right? --snotty comment on Slashdot They can take my LifeAlert pendant when they pry it from my cold dead fingers. Burning leaves in fall; See how they gracefully float, to spark my dry roof. --safety haiku Hedged with a mower. Trimmers cost less than doctors, now I am all thumbs. --safety haiku Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong. --Ronald Reagan Deja Moo: The distinct feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. The government that governs least governs best. The citizenry that cares the least gets governed worst. Man Dies After Roach-Eating Contest --actual headline, 9 Oct 2012 Harry Truman said he wanted an economist who was one-handed, because his economic advisors would typically give him advice stating, "On the one hand... And on the other...." I saw a commercial last night that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were. --Mitch Hedberg Cogito, ergo armatum sum: I think, therefore I am armed. We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area. --UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer, 12 July 2007, responding to rumors that British forces released a plague of ferocious badgers into the Iraqi city of Basra The problem with quotes from the Internet is that nobody bothers to check their veracity. --Abraham Lincoln The Internet, where men are men, women are men and little girls are FBI. Celebratory gunfire at Saudi wedding cuts cable, 23 electrocuted --Reuters headline, 31 Oct 2012 Ohio woman who drove on sidewalk to avoid school bus ordered to wear "idiot" sign --AP headline, 6 Nov 2012 Mom Convicted For Marijuana In Breast Milk --NZ headline, 6 Nov 2012 England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Being with a woman without any sex is harder than raising the dead, so if you can't do the latter, don't expect me to believe you can do the former. --snotty quote from a sermon The Gap opens in their town, and Jacob can finally buy a shirt. --Jimmy Fallon, #faketwilightspoilers, 11 Nov 2012 After Bella becomes a vampire, Edward realizes he's only into "live chicks". --Jimmy Fallon, #faketwilightspoilers, 11 Nov 2012 Dracula kills Edward and says, "Real vampires don't sparkle, bitch!" --Jimmy Fallon, #faketwilightspoilers, 11 Nov 2012 The Volturi use "Apple Maps" to find the Cullens and end up on "True Blood". --Jimmy Fallon, #faketwilightspoilers, 11 Nov 2012 When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray". We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. --Desmond Tutu America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. --David Letterman I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire. --Howard Hughes After the game, the King and Pawn go into the same box. --Italian proverb Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. --Betsy Salkind The only reason they say "Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats. --Jean Kerr I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither one would take out the garbage. --Zsa Zsa Gabor You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. --Jeff Foxworthy When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. --Prince Philip A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. --Emo Philips Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. --Harrison Ford Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. --Robin Hall Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. --Jean Rostand Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. --Arnold Schwarzenegger In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. --Jonathan Katz If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. --Steve Martin Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. --Jimmy Durante America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. --Doug Hamwell The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. --George Roberts If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. --Jonathan Winters I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. --Robert Benchley With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. --Steven Weinberg, physicist, New York Times, 20 Apr 1999 Top of the day to you. Let me crave your indulgence to introduce myself. --found in a very polite SP*M Want to make a new Facebook app because lots of people will see it? Please asphyxiate yourself in an oven instead. You'll get just as much press and it's a whole lot less effort. --Ian Howson "Let's eat Grandma" or "Let's eat, Grandma" -- punctuation saves lives. The trouble isn't that there's too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. --Mark Twain Marry a girl who can cook. They can all do that other thing. --seen on CentOS mailing list The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule it. --H. L. Mencken John, this smells worse than your uncle's codpiece (which I wish you would stop wearing to work), and in reviewing it I can deduce that your parents were never formally introduced. --Slashdot suggestion for inspecting poorly-written code William of Ockham had no beard. The most likely explanation is that it was chewed off by squirrels every morning. Xerox and Wurlitzer merge to produce reproductive organs. --fake headline When chemists die, they barium. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. Deja Foobar: feeling like you made the same mistake before. Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. --Timothy Jones I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. --Arthur C. Clarke Perhaps we do the minors of this country harm if First Amendment protections, which they will with age inherit fully, are chipped away in the name of their protection. --US District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt thought they would be murdered on "Celebrity Big Brother" --Zap2it headline, 29 Jan 2013 Some guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business. Mom was so overprotective, she only let us play "Rock, Paper". Lottery (n): A game where a whole bunch of dumb people make one dumb person look really smart. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. --John Adams If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. --Mark Twain I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995) You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. We do not change reality by changing the law. --Scott Roeder The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it. --Thomas Jefferson Oh, I've heard that paradox a couple of times, but there's something about a cat dying and I hate to think of such things. --Dr. Donald Knuth on Schrodinger's cat at MIT, Dec 8, 1999 Put your f*cking shirt on, unless you lost all your shirts in a fire, in which case, my condolences and please purchase a new shirt. --Olivia Wilde to Justin Bieber for going shirtless around London I really wish my wife didn't see that. --Matt Damon, on getting his butt spray-tanned for the film "Liberace" Why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: the DNA all matches, and there are no dental records. --unknown It's eerie, it's as though a bomb had dropped somewhere. --Susan Candiotti, CNN, April 22 comment on Boston's empty streets 10. "Lick and Let Dry" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 9. "You've Only Bathed Twice" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 8. "Oldfinger" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 7. "Clams Casino Royale" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 6. "Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 5. "Secret Service On Her Majesty" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 4. "James Bond: Mall Cop" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 3. "Leafraker" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 2. "From Rush Limbaugh With Love" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 1. "Cold Sores Are Forever" --Letterman's Top 10 Least Memorable Bond Films, 3/9/2013 I don't see how that statement can be true for any story that doesn't include the word "cannibalism". --Lawrence Person, responding to article titled "Detroit in worse shape than previously thought" "Don't worry" said the trees when they saw the axe coming, "The handle is one of us." --unknown If the Jedi were so smart, why couldn't they get counseling for a kid who missed his mom? My '89 Accord had no working door handles. I had to use the moonroof to get in and out. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 I had a '98 Corolla and if I wanted to listen to the radio, I had to reach out of the window and touch the antenna. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 During my driver's test, the instructor tried to roll down the window and the glass fell out. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 The wipers on my friend's Plymouth didn't work, so he tied strings to them that he would pull while driving. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 I had an '82 Nissan Sentra with a tape stuck in the cassette player. The only thing I could listen to was "Breakfast at Tiffany's". --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 I had to touch two wires together to honk the horn at someone. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 The radio in my '93 Corolla once lit on fire when I turned the volume up by one. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 My '79 Chevette was so crappy that once it got stolen and the thieves abandoned it a block away. --Jimmy Fallon, #worstcarieverhad tweets, 27 Jun 2013 Human beings hardly ever learn from the experience of others. They learn (when they do, which isn't often) on their own, the hard way. --Robert Heinlein (1907-1988), "Time Enough for Love" (1973) Ze Germans Aren't Coming: 23% of German men say "zero" is ideal family size --Headline, 20 Aug 2013 The police didn't abuse the law. They simply followed a law that had its abuse built in. --seen on Slashdot This is one of many reasons that I hope Larry Ellison's yacht sinks in the middle of the Pacific with him on board sleeping off a bender. --Slashdot comment about NULL handling in Oracle Man claims self-defense; friend shot 11 times --Las Vegas Review Journal headline, 9 Sep 2013 I'm not passive-agressive, I'm active-aggressive. What you perceive as passive is only politically-correct politeness. --seen on Slashdot RIAA says its concern is artists. That's true, in the sense that a cattle rancher is concerned about its cattle. --seen on Slashdot Every time I start to have faith in humanity, I ruin it by driving to work between 7 and 8am. National Shave Your Ex-wife's Head Day --Twitter suggestion for a new holiday, on Jay Leno There was a young lady from Dallas, used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina in North Carolina and her backside in Buckingham Palace. --unknown Teenage girl creates sustainable, renewable algae biofuel under her bed --Extreme Tech headline, 19 March 2013 I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Apple Maps flaw results in drivers crossing airport runway --BBC News headline, 25 Sep 2013 My security clearance is so high, I'd have to kill myself if I remember it. When you're dead, you don't know you're dead because it only affects the people around you. Same thing goes for when you're stupid. You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. --Mark Twain Don't worry about people stealing your ideas; if they're any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. --Howard Aiken If not for Yahoo's decision to recycle email addresses, my grandmother would never have discovered the delights of European bestiality. --seen on Slashdot Scully: Should we arrest David Copperfield? Mulder: Yes we should, but not for this. --X-Files, episode "Trevor" Scully: Well, isn't that where you were going with this? Mulder: Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion. --X-Files, episode "Trevor" Taliban: Evil cowards with guns afraid of truth from a 14-year old girl. Cool, let it run the US government. --Slashdot response to "Fusion Reactor Breaks Even" headline Only to idiots, are orders laws. --Henning von Tresckow, German Wehrmacht Major General Thanks to the War on Drugs, it's easier to buy meth than it is to buy cold medicine. You could also factor in the days of the week the Cleveland Browns are likely to win, since that is *definitely* random. --Slashdot comment on random-number generation "50 Shades of Grey" actor quits "50 Shades of Grey" after reading "50 Shades of Grey" --"Daily Caller" headline, 14 Oct 2013 NSA's public image is pretty much as low as it can go without someone taking out a Superbowl ad proving they rape dogs. --Slashdot comment Since when is "public safety" the root password to the Constitution? Fast, Easy, Convenient, Accessible & Low-cost == F.E.C.A.L. In the immortal words of Socrates, who said "I drank what?" Public evenly split on whether zombies would do a better job running government --Rasmussen poll, 31 Oct 2013 Pollution pushes Shanghai towards semen crisis --UK Telegraph headline, 7 Nov 2013 For those that are impacted by spying, spying is not news. For the unwashed that have discovered they're being spied upon, they're incensed. This is one flaw of the "Proud Ignorance" approach to living. --Slashdot comment Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail. --Bryan Michael Wendt Researcher Allows Sand Flea To Grow Inside Her Foot To Study It --Most horrible headline I've seen in 2013 A god who travels to earth using a rainbow bridge and uses a hammer that no one but he can lift, and you're concerned about real-world physics. Shine on, you crazy diamond. --Slashdot comment about "Thor" movie review Need lube to get more statements out of your *ss? --Slashdot comment on disk-drive longevity study, 13 Nov 2013 Scientists confirm world's oldest creature, but kill it determining its age --Headline, 14 Nov 2013 There's a lot to be said for being explicit where possible (also known as the Miley Cyrus Principle). --snide comment on Slashdot It's an introduction to Linux class. I don't know why we have to know how to make directories. Just tell me what it is and what it does. --Overheard in Sinclair University hallway If Geronimo ever made a parachute jump, would he yell "ME!"? So little pains do the vulgar take in the investigation of truth, accepting readily the first story that comes to hand. --Thucydides, History of The Peloponnesian War, 432BC It's pathetic that Obama won't let you keep your insurance plan, but he'll let the Iranians keep their enriched uranium program. --Redstate comment Never trust an atom. They make up everything. Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software. Microsoft hurting after NSA backdooring --UK Register headline, 27 Nov 2013 Giant prehistoric toilet unearthed --BBC headline, 28 Nov 2013 Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly. --Ernest Hemingway, on how he went bankrupt "Of sound mind" means you keep your inner madman under lock and key. --Paul Valery, paraphrased There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties, each arranged under its leader, and concerting measures in opposition to each other. This, in my humble apprehension, is to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution. --John Adams, 2 Oct 1789 None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. --John Milton Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. --Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize. --Voltaire Do not confuse natural with normal. An eclipse is natural, but it's not the normal state of the Earth's relationship to the sun. --Jay Slater Consumers view the command-line like they view a colonoscopy; they will do just about anything imaginable to NOT have to deal with it. --Slashdot I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. The first testicular guard ("Cup") was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. It's all about priorities. If knowledge is power, then privacy is freedom. Comment: My wife has hardly had sex with me since we got married. Reply: Redundant. --seen on Slashdot Your phallus on wheels just ran a red light in Somerset, Pennsylvania. --Crowley to Dean on "Supernatural" Research Shows It's Better To Run Away From Nuclear Detonation Blast --poorly chosen CBS headline Mannequins with pubic hair shock at American Apparel --USA Today headline, 17 Jan 2014 I expect to die in bed, my successor will die in prison, and his successor will die a martyr in the public square. --Cardinal George of Chicago A bullet may have your name on it, but splash damage is addressed "To whom it may concern". War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. --H.L. Mencken Ghost ship carrying cannibal rats could be heading for Britain --UK Telegraph headline, 23 Jan 2014 Go beat your skull with a brick until some common sense falls in. --helpful suggestion on Slashdot Design without code is masturbation. Code without design...well, it's not masturbation, it isn't exactly sex either, but something gets f*cked up. --coding help on Slashdot Don't support totalitarianism. You won't like it, even though you claim we need it "for the children". IIS is slower than the Elders of the Molasses Tribe copulating in February. --Slashdot webserver comment Suffering severe delusions of adequacy, Mr. Spock groped melodies as effortlessly as someone trying to pick up dimes with a catcher's mitt. --"Golden Throats 2" liner notes, on Leonard Nimoy's singing voice I think you can be an honest person and lie about any number of things. --Dan Rather, on why he still believes Bill Clinton to be an honest man Crocodiles Can Climb Trees --really creepy headline, 12 Feb 2014 A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not half so bad as a lot of ignorance. --Terry Pratchett Where the press is free and every man able to read, all is safe. --Thomas Jefferson Dr. P has a constant smile that pushes the limits of cheek physics. --weird quote from health care article Carlyle said "a lie cannot live". It shows that he did not know how to tell them. --Mark Twain's Autobiography I would rather tell seven lies than make one explanation. --Letter to John Bellows, 11 April 1883 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. --Hal Abelson You wouldn't know a narcissist if you saw one in the mirror. --dopey Slashdot insult I'm armed because I'm free, and I'm free because I'm armed. Any one may so arrange his affairs that his taxes shall be as low as possible. He is not bound to choose that pattern which will best pay the Treasury; there is not even a patriotic duty to increase one's taxes. --Judge Learned Hand Maybe it started a small fire just to keep warm. --smart remark about a Tesla Model S problem, 14 Feb 2014 Hands that help are better far than lips that pray. --Robert Ingersoll (1833-1899) Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others gargle and spit. Using bad analogies is like cutting a tree down with a fish. --Slashdot God created an idiot for practice, and then he created a school board. --Mark Twain We should be eternally vigilant against attempts to check the expression of opinions that we loathe. --Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one. --Yoda on Slashdot The mediocre triumph because, having little or nothing else to do, they can devote themselves to intrigue, backstabbing, and jockeying for power. --Theodore Dalrymple Apparatchik: a person who doesn't mind how long a meeting goes on unless he has another meeting to attend. --Theodore Dalrymple I hate being bipolar, it's awesome! --seen on Slashdot Vladimir Putin engages in a round of "Remind Former Soviet Socialist Republics Who's The Stud And Who's The Soap Dropper in Ukraine". --Redstate With a syntax that doesn't look like Satan's diverticulitis. --Slashdot comment on PHP namespaces Profanity is the last resort of an inarticulate motherf**ker. --seen on Slashdot Scientists Build Orgasm Machine For Women --headline on "CBS Charlotte" site, 5 March 2014 I would sooner do surgery on my leg with a spoon than work for the low-bidder, over-commit, under-deliver wreck of a shop that CGI represents. --Slashdot answer to "why aren't people working on healthcare.gov?" I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling, then the world will have peace. --Will Rogers We arn't beating a dead horse, we're beating the pink stain on the floor where the horse used to be. --programming discussion on Slashdot Dear person who thinks that "good code rarely needs commenting": the entire world wants to beat you senseless with a nine iron. --programming discussion on Slashdot Don't teach a man to fish, feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard. --Ron Swanson I consider trial by jury as the only anchor ever yet imagined by man, by which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution. --Thomas Jefferson in a letter to Thomas Paine, 1789 It takes no great insight or intelligence to see that the health of a centralized economy built around dense concentrations of economic power and a close business alliance with government can't tolerate any considerable degree of intellectual schooling. --John Taylor Gatto Worrying works. About 90% of the things I worry about never happen. --Woody Paige (1946-), sports columnist, on ESPN Ukraine weather forecast: cloudy, with a chance of Russians --Townhall.com headline, 28 Mar 2014 I'm the best thing that ever happened to that family. --Arnold Schwartzenegger on marrying Maria Shriver, Dec 1985 The last time I had a drink was at Madonna and Sean Penn's wedding. You needed a drink that day. --Cher, Feb 1988 I had a pimple. I think it was 1993. --Heidi Klum on the only time a photo of her needed retouching I am your boyfriend. If you don't marry me, I shall put you in jail. --Prince William to a favorite classmate, Nov 1988 It's the sort of vague calm you get after vomiting. --Ben Affleck on being out of the "Bennifer" spotlight, July 2004 Pavlov goes to the pub for a pint. The phone rings, and he jumps up and shouts "Dammit, I forgot to feed the dog!" Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. Programmer's wife says "Pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes home with 12 loaves of bread. If I go into a 2-man barber shop, I want the barber with the bad haircut. I came, I saw, I had a fit. --Julius Seizure Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. --2013 GED exam answer Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. --2013 GED exam answer Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. --2013 GED exam answer Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. --2013 GED exam answer Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. --2013 GED exam answer Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section" A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. --2013 GED exam answer Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. --2013 GED exam answer My grandparents didn't want a DVD player becuase they thought the laser would escape and burn down the house. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfamily tweets, 10 Apr 2014 My dad makes bird noises in the grocery store to let my mom know where he is. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfamily tweets, 10 Apr 2014 My 6-yr-old nephew prayed before dinner one night and said, "Dear Lord, we started from the bottom and now we're here." --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfamily tweets, 10 Apr 2014 When I asked my parents why they never gave me the "sex talk", they said it was because they weren't worried. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfamily tweets, 10 Apr 2014 I taught my 3-yr-old to say "Nailed it" after every answer during her first eye exam. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfamily tweets, 10 Apr 2014 I have a firewall so I won't get jacked, But my password's weak so I still got hacked. --security poetry The plural of "anecdote" isn't "evidence". --seen on Slashdot He ate cake for the first time, which was like watching a caveman discover fire. --Billy Crystal, on his grandson's first birthday party Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises --sign on the back of septic tank truck The name of my neighbor's WiFi network is ICECREAMBUTTCHEEKS. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdneighbor tweets, 14 May 2014 I sing in my apartment all the time, and occasionally I hear my neighbor singing along with me. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdneighbor tweets, 14 May 2014 I had a neighbor who had a garage sale for 3 months straight because "business was good". --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdneighbor tweets, 14 May 2014 My neighbors have a Santa figure that they leave up all year long. On Halloween, they duct-taped two gourds to his hands. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdneighbor tweets, 14 May 2014 If we threw our Frisbee or ball over the fence by accident, we would get it back with a note attached saying "I hate kids". --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdneighbor tweets, 14 May 2014 The good news for the parents of the girls is that we know where they are, but we cannot tell you. --Nigerian Air Marshal Alex Badeh, 26 May 2014, on Boko Haram You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably angry. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel way better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: if you find one, what's your plan? The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. --Ronald Reagan The American dream is not that every man must be level with every other man. The American dream is that every man must be free to become whatever God intends he should become. --Ronald Reagan We maintain the peace through our strength; weakness only invites aggression. --Ronald Reagan Welfare's purpose should be to eliminate, as far as possible, the need for its own existence. --Ronald Reagan There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder. --Ronald Reagan We don't have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven't taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much. --Ronald Reagan A nation that cannot control its borders is not a nation. --Ronald Reagan Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same. --Ronald Reagan The night shift is not like your day shift, it's an undisciplined zoo. Last week someone stole my cellphone and sent erotic texts to my dentist. --Freddy Rodriguez, "The Night Shift" Everthing out here that's not you wants to kill you. --Seth McFarlane, "A Million Ways to Die in the West" We need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered -- act erratically and blindly lash out at everything around us. --seen on "Silicon Valley" Far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn't seem right. --Peter Dinklage, "Game of Thrones" I just spent 15 minutes trying to DVR "Growing Pains" on my microwave. --Blake Shelton describing a hangover, 9 June 2014 My date and my mom went to greet each other, but turned the same way and kissed on the lips. --Jimmy Fallon, #promfail tweets, 22 May 2014 I went to private school, and we weren't allowed to dance because dancing is "a vertical position with a horizontal desire". --Jimmy Fallon, #promfail tweets, 22 May 2014 I got stuck in the middle of a dance circle and didn't know what to do, so I just sat down. --Jimmy Fallon, #promfail tweets, 22 May 2014 My mom came to take pictures of me, but the camera on her phone was turned around, so instead she took about 40 selfies. --Jimmy Fallon, #promfail tweets, 22 May 2014 Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph. --Haile Selassie "Molon Labe" ("Come and take") --King Leonidas, in reply to Xerxes of Persia's demand that the Spartan army lay down their weapons. 14. Re-reading No. 13, I realize that it's quite possible I'm losing my mind. I'm glad that for the most part I'm not aware it's happening. --"20 things I'm thankful for", Fortune, Nov 29, 2004 Bluetooth-Enabled Smart Shoes Vibrate to Give You Directions --really weird headline, 25 July 2014 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. --Why men prefer guns to women #10 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. --Why men prefer guns to women #9 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. --Why men prefer guns to women #8 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. --Why men prefer guns to women #7 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. --Why men prefer guns to women #6 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. --Why men prefer guns to women #5 Guns function normally every day of the month. --Why men prefer guns to women #4 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" --Why men prefer guns to women #3 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. --Why men prefer guns to women #2 You can buy a silencer for a gun. --Why men prefer guns to women #1 Miley Cyrus' B**bs Grabbed by Fan During Meet and Greet --Headline, "E! Online", 7 Aug 2014 There's fangs and there's blood, and I don't know about your bedroom, but that doesn't happen in mine. --Anna Paquin, on sex scenes in "True Blood" My brother and sister-in-law fought over a Scrabble game. It ended with my brother eating the scorecard. --Jimmy Fallon, #mydumbfight tweets, 30 Jul 2014 Creative Spelling Copyright. May use without Persimmons. I teleported home one night, with Ron and Sid and Meg. Ron stole Meggie's heart away, and I got Sydney's leg. --creepy geek poem There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. --Clint Eastwood He came into the car butt-first in a leopard thong. It was hilarious, but pretty embarrassing. --Liv Tyler, on her father Steven Tyler Java... has a learning curve steeper than a cow's face. --seen on Slashdot I drink a lot of coffee and take amphetimines and coke and stuff and I'm totally spastic so when an earthquake hits, I'm the only one standing still. --Slashdot comment on "How Prepared Are You For an Earthquake?" I still like the tinkering, and just the technical side of it. The fact that it's actually pretty social, and I get to call people names, is just a bonus. --Linus Torvalds, on what keeps him interested in kernel development We're using missile defense to protect our civilians, and they're using their civilians to protect their missiles. --Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, on Hamas Whose underwear is this? --found under "Hot Network Questions" on stackoverflow.com My friend and I were playing the "trust fall" game. She fell forward. --Jimmy Fallon, #myweirdfriend tweets, 25 Sep 2014 While no straight thing was ever made, quite a few bent things were subsequently straightened. --weird comment on Slashdot, 27 Sep 2014 If buildings were built like software, especially "web-enabled software", half of them wouldn't have roofs because the plans were drawn on a sunny day and the architect couldn't be bothered to spend time on something which would be useless right now and might never be needed. --Rainer Weikusat 10. Alex Trebek Turn-Ons --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 9. Famous Stains --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 7. Ugly Chicks --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 5. Actors We're Glad Are Dead --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 4. Grabass --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 1. Rumors About Your Sister --Letterman Top 10 Offensive "Jeopardy!" Categories, 1 Oct 2014 10. "You try running full speed in a suit" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 9. "Thought it was Biden" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 8. "Can't just assume every guy storming the White House is a threat" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 7. "We always mute the alarm during 'Jeopardy'" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 6. "We're only here till Thursday" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 4. "Can't see a thing through these dark glasses" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 3. "About time someone in Washington got off the fence -- and I right, ladies?" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 1. "Excuse? What happened?" --Letterman Top 10 Secret Service Excuses, 30 Sep 2014 10. "Beautiful bride and a very pretty groom" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 9. "Really, a cash bar?" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 8. "Does the bride know he brought a date?" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 5. "They're living with her parents until he finds a job" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 4. "Since everyone's here, let's film 'Ocean's Fourteen'" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 3. "I hear they wrote their own pre-nups" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 2. "Nice job, rabbi" --Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard At George Clooney's Wedding, 29 Sep 2014 10. Fun Slabs --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 7. Nutrient-Free Rectangles --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 6. I Dated Your Sister --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 3. Iced Roof Shingles --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 2. High Fructoast --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 1. I've-Given-Up Tarts --Letterman Top 10 Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts, 26 Sep 2014 10. Sleeps hanging upside-down --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 9. You knock on his bedroom door, a British butler answers --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 8. Fifth birthday party: lavish benefit for the Wayne Foundation --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 7. His face is on his pajamas --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 6. Saturday: Little League; Sunday: Justice League --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 4. Won't come for dinner unless summoned by a giant light in the sky --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 3. For a teenager, he owns a lot of cowls --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 2. Recurring nightmare that one day he'll be portrayed by Ben Affleck --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 1. You bought him a Batman action figure, but he'd rather play with himself --Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman, 23 Sep 2014 If one guy tailgates you and passes you on the right, he's an asshole. If 50 people tailgate you and pass you on the right, take a goddamn hint. A long habit of not thinking a thing WRONG, gives it a superficial appearance of being RIGHT, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. --Thomas Paine, "Common Sense" (10 Jan 1776) This is all happening because my father didn't buy me a train set as a kid. --Warren Buffett, joking about his decision to buy the Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad, NYT, 4 Nov 2009 The grass may be greener, but the water bill is a *lot* higher. --overheard conversation about having a mistress Four years after disappearing, a pet parrot has returned home in Torrance, California, having ditched his British accent and switched to Spanish. --BBC article, 14 Oct 2014 The habit of interfering with other people's business and making what is euphoniously called "peace" is like buggery; once you take to it, you cannot stop. --General Sir Philip Chetwode, Britain's Imperial General Staff On the internet nobody can hear you being subtle. --Linus Torvalds, LinuxCon-Europe 2014 Gives losing the remote a whole new meaning. --comment on an MIT project to create an implantable contraceptive with an external remote control Having a BBQ while a mountain lion watches from the other side of a 20-foot chainlink fence can be nerve-whacking. --Slashdot comment describing a Silicon Valley home I would argue with you, but I don't want to get any stupid on me. --Slashdot Corruption is like bad breath. It's hard for the one who has it to realize it; others realize it and have to tell him. --Pope Francis You might be a Sith if your lightsaber has more blades than you have friends. Q: Why would you be opposed to big data finding out when you take a dump in the morning, as long as it's voluntary? A: If you're taking a dump in the morning and it's not voluntary, you should see a doctor. --seen on Slashdot More to life than money? OK, I'll take a raise out of your salary, then. Miami Federal Detention Center Hosts 1st Daddy-Daughter Dance --article in Miami Herald, 7 Nov 2014 Why not stuff yourself into PID 1 and execute yourself? --geek insult Please reevaluate the definition of "satire", and look up "insanity" while you're at it. --seen on Slashdot People that actually have to interact with you in person tend not to be as dickish because of the potential consequences. --John Gabriel's Greater Internet F*ckwad Theory I'm sorry, your QUESTION must be in the form of a QUESTION. --What husbands would say if they only had the guts #31 Click here to stab someone in the face over the Internet. Disclaimer: May not be legal in all countries. --seen on Slashdot I wanted to throw my shoe at her head, but I was singing a song about Jesus, so I thought "no". --Kristen Chenoweth, on seeing a childhood enemy in the audience There is something fundamentally wrong with a system where not being charged with a war crime keeps you locked away indefinitely and a war crime conviction is your ticket home. --Morris Davis, retired USAF Colonel, former Chief Prosecutor for the terrorism trials at Guantanamo Bay, 29 April 2013 One in New Jersey and one in Chicago, where the only natural disasters are the Cubs and Bears. --Slashdot thread on where to put offsite backups I'm a Morlock, not an Eloi. I want to get things done, not gab about the brats you spawned to replace yourself. --Slashdot comment on social skills The paw you now feel on your leg is from Schroedinger's cat. Or not. As calm and relaxed as a rabbit on crack after a chili enema. --really scary animal simile seen on Slashdot After the Christmas tree fell over for the sixth time, my dad left it on its side and just put the presents around it. --Jimmy Fallon, #chrismasfail tweets, 19 Dec 2014 My brother spiked the eggnog without telling anyone, and later my grandma drunkenly admitted she had a crush on the mailman. --Jimmy Fallon, #chrismasfail tweets, 19 Dec 2014 I was chewing gum while sitting on Santa's lap. He said, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow." --Jimmy Fallon, #chrismasfail tweets, 19 Dec 2014 I heard Santa unpacking presents in another room, but when I tried to go in, my Mom stopped me by saying that Santa would throw salt in my eyes and blind me. --Jimmy Fallon, #chrismasfail tweets, 19 Dec 2014 If two vegans are arguing, do we still call it a beef? Ads that sound human but come from your marketing department's irritable bowels stain the fabric of the Web. --"New Clues", from Cluetrain authors Gnome has always had that "pretty but vacuous" look to it, kinda like my ex. --snotty comment on Slashdot Gunshots just outside your window are not the end of the world. --Lithuanian war manual, Jan 2015 Star Trek always had plot holes, but never ones large enough that your mother could fit through until JJ Abrams's version. --snotty comment on Slashdot Stop that annoying paranoid sh*t about "update your Flash or it'll burn your family to ashes and eat your left eye while pooping in your mouth". It's not THAT dangerous. --Firefox comment on input.mozilla.org Let the consumer cows run free into wild pastures and evolve into proud bulls of evolution and growth. --seen on Slashdot There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well-written or badly-written, that is all. --Oscar Wilde There are no hereditary Kings in America and no power not created by the Constitution. --US District Court Judge Anna Diggs Taylor There was an electronic device involved. By definition, that's cyber. --Patricia Arquette, "CSI: Cyber" pilot Just Say No to Monica Lewinsky's Boyfriend's Wife --seen on a T-Shirt A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. --Thomas Jefferson Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be your constant companion of your walks. --Thomas Jefferson One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them. --Thomas Jefferson The right of the people to keep and bear... arms shall not be infringed. A well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the best and most natural defense of a free country... --James Madison, I Annals of Congress 434 (June 8, 1789) Arms in the hands of citizens may be used at individual discretion... in private self-defense. --John Adams The fundamental law of the militia is, that it be created, directed and commanded by the laws, and ever for the support of the laws. --John Adams The constitutions of most of our States assert that all power is inherent in the people; that... it is their right and duty to be at all times armed. --Thomas Jefferson Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free state. --Thomas Jefferson An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it. --Jeff Cooper, U.S. Marine, 1920-2006 In the immortal words of Olivia Newton-John, DoD wants to get physical with classified data that ends up in the cloud. --Nextgov.com article, 20 Feb 2015 The world runs on barely-trained monkeys. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the Creator who made a 1% patch to a chimp. --snotty Slashdot comment on user skills Before I left, I set my boss's computer so that every time he typed his name, it changed to "I like ponies". --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 My friends (dressed as CIA agents) ran in my office yelling "We finally got you!" and chased me out the door. I never went back. --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 I worked at Wendy's as a senior. Asked for a weekend off for a college visit, and my boss said I had to choose college or Wendy's. --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 Guy dramatically slammed his work-ID down on the table, then walked into the glass doors on his way out. --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 Told my boss, "I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here." --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 My boss said, "See you Monday." I said, "You will if you're on the beach in Cancun." --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 I sent an edible arrangement to my boss that said, "I quit. Eat me." --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 My boss said, "You wanna work or smoke pot all day?" Easiest decision I ever made. --Jimmy Fallon, #howIquit tweets, 26 Mar 2015 I hate it when I have to debug some *sshole's code. I hate it more when the *sshole is six-months-ago-me. --seen on Slashdot Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. --Fake Zen teachings Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. --Fake Zen teachings No one is listening until you fart. --Fake Zen teachings Never test the depth of the water with both feet. --Fake Zen teachings If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a few mortgage payments. --Fake Zen teachings If you lend someone $50 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. --Fake Zen teachings If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. --Fake Zen teachings Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. --Fake Zen teachings Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. --Fake Zen teachings There are two theories for arguing with women. Neither works. --Fake Zen teachings Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. --Fake Zen teachings Rust is a work-in-progress and may do anything it likes up to and including eating your laundry. --"Rust" system language developers, 1.0-beta The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, preserved their neutrality. --Dante One's right to life, liberty, property, speech, press, freedom of worship and assembly may not be submitted to vote. No man is an island or a continent. Some men are incontinent, though. --seen on Slashdot I have this weird condition where I don't feel the slightest bit of shame over history I didn't cause or natural accidents over which I'd no control, like my heritage. --seen on Slashdot Having a teenage threesome with Tom Cruise's ex and Heath Ledger's girl. --nasty summary of James Van Der Beek's career on Slashdot Unless he has a fetish for blind women, I have grave doubts about his ability to give advice on sex. --Erick Erickson, April 2015 I've never been so soft in my life, except for that unfortunate semester in college when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot. --Olivia Wilde, April 2015 Walnuts, you can f*ck off out of my banana bread. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter "Instagram famous" is "weird famous". --Anna Kendrick, Twitter I like to think of myself less like "adult" and more like "former fetus". --Anna Kendrick, Twitter Finishing a Reese's cup and realizing you still have one left is like realizing it's Friday when you thought it was Wednesday. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter "You're the only person in the world I don't hate right now" is as close as I get to saying "I love you". --Anna Kendrick, Twitter Never a diva, but occasionally a real dick. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter I like my men like I like my coffee. Silent. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter I'm so humble it's crazy. I'm like the Kanye West of humility. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter Oh hello again 4am, you WHORE. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter Of course I got your text, I'm just ignoring it. Don't make it weird. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter Peanut butter on Triscuits and I'm not even stoned. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter My patronus is a Corgi. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter If Natalie Portman asked me to kill someone, I'd probably do it. --Anna Kendrick, Twitter When Chuck Norris threw an exception, it was always fatal. Chuck Norris didn't program. He stared at the computer until it did what he wanted. "You don't see people pulling out a crossword puzzle when you're at dinner with them." "I guess you had better dates than I did." --seen on Slashdot "Well done, Admiral Aspergers." "Thank you, Airman Autism." --geek fight on Slashdot, 17 Apr 2015 The lunatics end up in charge of everything. Sane, normal people don't need power trips. --James P. Hogan, 1941-2010 Statistics are like a bikini -- what they reveal is suggestive but what they hide is vital. --Slashdot Having children is hereditary -- if your parents didn't have any, you probably won't either. Watch a fox make a sandwich near Chernobyl exclusion zone --UPI headline, 29 Apr 2015 North Dakota State Rep. Randy Boehning was outed by a man he'd been messaging on the gay dating app Grindr after refusing to vote for LGBT protection bill. --Karma works: UPI, 29 Apr 2015 Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward? Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you? Ward: It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out "shield". --seen on "Marvel's Agents of SHIELD" If you get hurt, hurt 'em back. If you get killed, walk it off. --Captain America, "Avengers: Age of Ultron" According to Pixar, 1,484,437 little toy monkeys spilled out of the Barrel o' Monkeys in the opening sequence of "Toy Story 3". --geek trivia Strike while the... bug is close. --proverbs completed by first-graders It's always darkest before... Daylight Saving Time. --proverbs completed by first-graders Never underestimate the power of... termites. --proverbs completed by first-graders You can lead a horse to water but... how? --proverbs completed by first-graders Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. --proverbs completed by first-graders No news is... impossible. --proverbs completed by first-graders A miss is as good as a... Mr. --proverbs completed by first-graders You can't teach an old dog new... math. --proverbs completed by first-graders If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. --proverbs completed by first-graders Love all, trust... me. --proverbs completed by first-graders The pen is mightier than the... pigs. --proverbs completed by first-graders An idle mind is... the best way to relax. --proverbs completed by first-graders Where there's smoke there's... pollution. --proverbs completed by first-graders Happy the bride who... gets all the presents. --proverbs completed by first-graders A penny saved is... not much. --proverbs completed by first-graders Two's company, three's... the Musketeers. --proverbs completed by first-graders Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed. --proverbs completed by first-graders Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose. --proverbs completed by first-graders There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder. --proverbs completed by first-graders Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. --proverbs completed by first-graders If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. --proverbs completed by first-graders You get out of something only what you... see in the picture on the box. --proverbs completed by first-graders When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way. --proverbs completed by first-graders A bird in the hand... is going to poop on you. --proverbs completed by first-graders Better late than... pregnant. --proverbs completed by first-graders Putin Will Soon Have Superhuman Robo-Soldiers! --actual headline, "The Fiscal Times", 3 May 2015 Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded. Chuck Norris could slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery. Chuck Norris could speak French... in Russian. Chuck Norris could put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline. Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he used to build a snowman at the bottom. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number, you picked up the wrong phone. Chuck Norris could cut a knife with butter. Chuck Norris could kill your imaginary friends. Chuck Norris could set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Chuck Norris could hear sign language. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest. When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. Chuck Norris was once charged with attempted murder in Boulder County, but the Judge dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square. Chuck Norris could kill two stones with one bird. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no CTRL button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. When Chuck Norris does pushups, he is actually pushing the earth down. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris. When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. Even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone. Bigfoot claims he saw Chuck Norris. The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish. Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life. Chuck Norris makes onions cry. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris could hit you so hard your blood will bleed. The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug. Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek". He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you". Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a cyclops between the eye. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris could throw Brett Favre even further. Chuck Norris could go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. Chuck Norris could drown a fish. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris *can* touch this. Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded revolver. And wins. Chuck Norris could build a snowman out of rain. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris could kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried. Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss. Chuck Norris could pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted. Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records. Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller. The original title for "Alien vs Predator" was "Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris". The film was cancelled because no one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. When Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity, he got it back. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris's blood type is AK-47. Chuck Norris could strangle you with a cordless phone. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris upper-cutted a horse. Chuck Norris could do a wheelie on a unicycle. Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person. Chuck Norris actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper doesn't have the stones to tell him. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11: a suicide. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris could pee his name into concrete. Chuck Norris does not submit to Homeland Security, he IS Homeland Security. Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble. Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button; Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. Chuck Norris could speak Braille. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris could unscramble an egg. Chuck Norris went around the world... by standing still. Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera. Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared. Chuck Norris could make a slinky go upstairs. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". Chuck Norris could divide by zero. Chuck Norris hates Raymond. Chuck Norris won the World Horseshoe Pitching Contest while they were still attached to a Clydesdale. Chuck Norris once gave a man the Heimlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken. Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin. There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a stationary bike. Kings buy Chuck-Norris-size beds. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear. Chuck Norris could squeeze orange juice out of a lemon. Chuck Norris could charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard. When an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed The Islands. Abstinence-Only Texas High School Hit By Chlamydia Outbreak --Huffington Post headline, 10 May 2015 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. --Astronomer joke In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the tyrant, allowing his abuses in return for protection to his own. --Thomas Jefferson Nothing says "get off my lawn" like 1234.7568@compuserve.com --snotty Slashdot comment Cops Use DNA Analysis to Prove Chili's Waiter Spit in Customer's Drink --ABC News headline, 3 Jun 2015 iTunes has always been a Swiss Army knife, if a Swiss Army knife were made out of rusty nails, bits of string and some pudding. By chimpanzees. --snotty Slashdot comment We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo. --David Letterman They should change the name "Chipotle" to "Toilet-fogger". --D. Cunningham When you gaze long into the code, the code also gazes into you. --Geek version of Nietzsche Statement: Teachers need to be fed. Reply: They can eat the lowest-performing student as a lesson to the rest. --conversation about teacher compensation on Slashdot A "landing" is where you run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas at exactly the same time you're over the touchdown part of the runway. --Slashdot Never shake hands with a man you meet in a fertility clinic. Every conversation with ITG (Incompetent Tech Guy) was like standing on a playground slide. At the top was incompetence; at the bottom, insanity. --Reddit r/talesfromtechsupport I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn't involve an animal. --Miley Cyrus, June 2015, on her sex preferences Being "empowered" is not the same as being "a b*tch". --Ariana Grande We were going to be the "Spicy Girls", but then we realized there was a porn site called The Spicy Girls. --Victoria Beckham, on choosing a name for the band He said, "If you could go out to lunch with anyone, who would it be?" I said "Mark Twain", and he said "It has to be somebody real." --Amy Schumer, describing her worst date Guys are lazy. They use what's in front of them. He has his own toothbrush, of course, and in an emergency, *then* we'll share. --Jennifer Aniston, on Justin Theroux borrowing her toiletries If you're happy all the time, you're usually a sociopath. --Amy Poehler My Renault is equipped with no fewer than 4 lights to indicate an engine fault, which I think just goes to show how much the French stand behind their engineering. --seen on Reddit The Constitution is in whole a contract of citizenship to a government; it has to be taken as a whole or not at all. You can't pick and choose which rights you want to stomp on and keep the parts you like. --Slashdot We were shooting on the beach. I looked down and it was, like, warm. --Amanda Seyfried, after Channing Tatum peed on her feet as a prank Any guy who takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror. --Laura Prepon, on her biggest turnoff I'm using it as a power stance. It's funny to see people try to look me in the eye. --Miley Cyrus, on why she wears nipple pasties Preserve wildlife. Pickle a squirrel. Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. I wouldn't recognize Haskell code if it bit me in the ass and called me names. --Linus Torvalds, Slashdot interview, 30 June 2015 "exit status 1 -- Cock is not synchronised." --really bad typo in Network Time Protocol tutorial 50-million-year-old worm sperm is a scientific treasure --Engadget.com headline, 15 July 2015 One man traded 2 legs for the freedom of the other to trade 2 balls for 2 boobs. Guess which one made the cover of Vanity Fair, was praised for his courage by President Obama and is to be honored with the "Arthur Ashe Courage Award" by ESPN? Yup. --Peter Berg, on Brucina Jenner award The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. --Calvin Trillin Wee disgust spell-chequers inn our last meting. --seen on Slashdot It's a firehose that people want to shove up their bum until it shoots out their nose, at which point they put hoses in their nostrils and the process repeats itself. --Twitter description on Slashdot, Aug 2015 In America we could pass legislation on the width of an ear of corn, and by the end of the vote it would have legalized Nazi bingo parlor strippers and privatized nuclear cheesecake warfare. --seen on Slashdot Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. --H.H. Williams How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down? Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes WHACK, dammit. A bad skydiver goes dammit, WHACK. Woman gets revenge on babe-watching beau by glueing his eyes shut --"National Examiner" article, 15 Aug 2005 Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind, it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate, and quickly. --Robert Heinlein Free, as in your money being freed from the confines of your bank account. Apparently, the "genetic diversity" between your parents wasn't much to talk about either. --Slashdot insult Chimpanzees love horror films, research finds --headline on www.independent.co.uk, 18 Sep 2015 I want to remind myself what a real ass looks like. --Admiral Nimitz, when asked why he had a picture of MacArthur in his office Three biggest cowboy lies: "I won the buckle in a rodeo", "The truck's paid for", and "I was just helping the sheep over the fence". I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. --Yogi Berra Never answer an anonymous letter. --Yogi Berra I always thought the record would stand until it was broken. --Yogi Berra I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let 'em walk to school like I did. --Yogi Berra Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical. --Yogi Berra It ain't the heat, it's the humility. --Yogi Berra He hits from both sides of the plate, he's amphibious. --Yogi Berra We made too many wrong mistakes. --Yogi Berra The future ain't what it used to be. --Yogi Berra It gets late early out here. --Yogi Berra If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them. --Yogi Berra Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. --Yogi Berra The era of high finance had so swollen the mass of claims upon the future that only roaring prosperity could sustain it. --Frederick Lewis Allen Here, take my napkin. You have something brown on your nose. --Slashdot reply to suck-up comment Remember, every time an install of Windows is killed, God gives a homeless kitten a good home. Please, think of the kittens. --Slashdot When I was a teenager, I went to the premiere of "Showgirls" with my mother. It doesn't get more inappropriate than that. --Claire Danes I'd tell you to shove your idea up your *ss, but your head's in the way. --Slashdot feedback Practice safe eating. Always use condiments. Pessimist's blood type: B-negative "Grapes of Wrath": good book. Wrath of grapes: bad hangover. If you SYN me do I not ACK? --self-aware router Always think of something new. This helps you forget your last bad idea. --Seth Frankel I'll have one martini, two at the most. Three I'm under the table, four under my host. --D. Parker Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark. Automated Assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else". --"Demolition Man" German sounds like people are gargling ancient Sanskrit three days into Oktoberfest. --Slashdot Your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a heiroglyph, and the blood of a virgin. Try searching for diesel generators, doll clothes, personal lubricant, tire chains, and jumper cables all on the same day. --Geek discussion on messing with advertising metrics Bright as a black hole and about twice as dense. --geek insult "Did you hear the joke about the feminist?" "That's NOT funny!" --Social Justice Warrior I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Twilight plus spanking minus sparkly vampires. --Amazon review of "50 Shades of Gray" She blushed, then flushed, then turned red, flushed, went crimson, then turned beet red, then blushed, then turned scarlet! OMG! --Amazon review of "50 Shades of Gray" I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Got stuck in a stone while on vacation. Unfortunately, removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I'd have known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl; minus 2 stars because my breasts were really nice. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife As soon as I found out how much my husband spent on this, I left him. Bad move, it represented him at the divorce hearing. I now pay $10,000 a month in alimony. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife If you open up all the attachments in the right order, you can actually hold it up to your eye and see the Higgs-Boson particle. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I haven't been able to use ours yet. Once my wife found out about the rechargable rabbit attachment, I haven't seen either one for a week. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Doc Brown and I added a flux capacitor and charged this bad boy with 1.21 Gw of power and it flat disappeared. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I bought this knife so I wouldn't be the biggest tool in my house. Now I am a big tool with a bigger tool. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I accidently activated the "Self-Activator" tool and this otherwise fabulous multifunction knife is currently dismantling my compu --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I added this knife to the cart and it told me the sex of my unborn child! --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife It's rumored that this knife has the only weapon that can kill Chuck Norris. The problem is that Chuck Norris is the only one powerful enough to release the weapon. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I used to wonder why Switzerland had never been overrun despite being right next-door to two imperial German armies. I don't wonder anymore. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I put this knife in my checked-in baggage, and was escorted off the plane by TSA, FBI, CIA, LAPD, TGIF, and NSYNC because it has a grenade-launcher. I am writing from a classified prison and don't know if I will make it out of here alive. I love you mom. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I tried to ue the nil clipper nd ccidentlly cut off my left pinky. No, I cnt't rech the leftmot column of key on my keybord. Lter, hen I tried the toothpick, it chopped off my er. tupid tool! --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I took it out of the package, followed the built in compass, and found that missing Malaysian airliner. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally killed a moose. I liked that moose. At least my nails are clean. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Sliced itself through the box and took out our mailman. Luckily it came with a pull-out replacement mailman feature. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Swung it at a mugger. The coroner's report on him is nearly 18 pages long. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Accidentally opened the nuclear warhead implement instead of the toothbrush, now I am charged with terrorism, genocide and ethnic cleansing. Best. Product. Ever. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife The knife has become self-aware, and is staring at me from the corner of the room. Looks angry. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife The unicorn toothbrush does not operate properly when used at the same time with the parachute. (Sent from my Wenger 16999) --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I put it in my pocket and it circumcised me. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I discovered I could use the personal massager at the same time as the unicycle. After a couple days of riding it to work, I kicked the boyfriend out and sold my car. I've lost 30lbs and am completely satisfied with this product. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife While using the corkscrew, I performed minor surgery on my wife who was standing in the next room. I also started a small fire, caught a rabbit in a snare and managed to signal the Coast Guard that I was in danger. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Weighing in at just over 7 pounds, I find that positioning it correctly in my front pocket brings all the ladies out. I've received compliments. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Ripped through the front pocket of my Dockers and broke two of my toes in the process. Not recommended for daily carry. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife This knife has one tool too many. I started playing with it on the bus on my way to work and accidentally impregnated the woman sitting next to me. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I didn't even order this knife. Somehow it ordered itself. I'm so confused right now. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Using this knife, I was able to dislodge myself from between a rock and a hard place. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I accidentally left this knife in the glovebox of my wore-out 67 Chevy truck overnight. The knife fully restored the truck, drove it to the store, and returned with two hookers and a cooler full of beer. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I assembled it without instructions and built a cold-fusion reactor instead. Not good as I live in a 1200 sq ft apartment with my family of 4. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife It became self-aware at 2:14 am Eastern time, August 29th. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I used this to assemble my computer but in the process built a motorcycle, which I thought was unsafe. Luckily one of the tools is a helmet so it worked itself out. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife When Edward Scissorhands moved in down the block, I was pretty envious of his cool hands. Then I got this. Now who's jealous. Not me, that's who. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife When you put it on a 5ft staff, it precisely shows you the location of the Ark of the Covenant. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I left it in my bag when I went to the airport, and TSA wasn't happy. Somehow during the pat-down I did manage to fix two broken X-ray machines and an Airbus A320. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I once fought off a family of hungry grizzlies by simply pulling it out of my pocket. They apologized for the inconvenience and left. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Seems like a decent product, but shortly after receiving it, Optimus Prime showed up and demanded that I return his comrade. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Tried using the toilet paper attachment while out in the woods and ended up giving myself a vasectomy. THANKS! --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife I was carrying the Wenger 16999 in the bed of my pickup truck when I hit a pothole. It flew out of the back, opened up, and carved part of the sun off. Global warming ended, and I won the Nobel Prize. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife Carried it in my camp shorts on a one-week back-country hike in Yellowstone. Wore hole in pocket and now I think I'm pregnant. --Amazon review of Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife While this novel concept of "girlfriend" may be intoxicating to some of you, you're supposed to raise livestock, not date it. --Slashdot comment about geek whining Someone who considers himself too important for small jobs is often too small for important jobs. --Jaques Tati Legislation is the last refuge of useless middlemen. With a mind that sharp, you should be at Harvard or Oxford. In a jar of formaldehyde. --Slashdot compliment Moore's Law of Mad Science: Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point. I just put Stephenie Meyer dustcovers on my books, then people can't return them to me fast enough. --Slashdot solution to book theft Comment: Some of the finest legal minds come from prison. Reply: And the rest should be there. --seen on Slashdot All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent. --Thomas Jefferson The difference between Wordpress and a well-built site is the difference between the corner prostitute and Melinda Gates. One's available for all to do as they please, while the other requires just the right touch and some luck and patience. Google self-driving car pulled over for driving too slowly in Mountain View --Headline, 13 Nov 2015 Indonesia's Anti-Drug Agency Proposes Using Crocodiles To Guard Prisons --Slashdot headline, 13 Nov 2015 Comment: Sikhs wear turbans, not Muslims. Reply: Well duh! Of course Sikhs don't wear Muslims. --Slashdot We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. --Jack Handey Most programmers would prefer not to have their code look like someone threw up on the screen. --Slashdot reply to a Perl programmer She's ugly enough to make a train take a dirt road. --unknown You used "UX" which, just as a knee-jerk reaction, makes me want to kick you in the balls, take your wallet, get your address from your license and go burn your house down. --Slashdot design comment eBay scammer steals identity of Special Agent investigating him --"Register" headline, 18 Nov 2015 I can count the the number of times that's happened on the hand of the world's worst shop teacher. --creepy Slashdot analogy If I had to choose between Yahoo! web hosting and a bullet to the head, it would be the last decision I ever had to make. --Slashdot review Beware of Dog. He eats everyone the owner shoots. --seen on a yard sign Main difference between Bill and Hillary: if Bill offers you a cigar, you should politely refuse. --seen on Slashdot Researchers Have Developed Socks That Generate Electricity Using Urine --"Tech Times" headline, 11 Dec 2015 North Carolina citizenry defeat pernicious Big Solar plan to suck up the Sun --"Ars Technica" headline, 14 Dec 2015 Chewbacca gets into some dark chocolate and has to spend the night at the vet. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" It's a musical. Hugh Jackman plays Han Solo. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" At the end of the movie, it turns out that the whole story took place in a pretty close galaxy, last week. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Leia's kids got grossed out when they found out mom kissed uncle Luke on Hoth, and not in a brother-sister kind of way. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Samuel L. Jackson comes back to life as Mace Windu and exclaims, "What's in your wallet?" --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Jim Carrey cameo appearance. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Liam Neeson turns up after he loses another one of his daughters. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" After awakening, The Force goes to the bathroom, trips over the dog bowl and then goes back to sleep. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Han and Chewy got bored on a mission and now have joint custody of something they tell people is an Ewok. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Luke travels back in time in a suspiciously DeLorean-shaped speeder and accidentally becomes his own grandfather. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" There are, in fact, several hives of scum and villainy more wretched than Mos Eisley. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" R2-D2 is BB-8's father. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Jar-Jar Binks doesn't appear on screen, but 30 minutes of screen time is devoted to describing how horribly he died. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Midi-chlorians linked to heart disease. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Once everyone finds out they're delicious, the Ewoks are hunted to extinction. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Luke goes crazy after finding out he kissed his sister. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Vader and stormtrooper turn into LEGO'S, take light-saber selfie. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" C-3P0 is voiced by Siri throughout as product placement, all ships are sponsored by Pirelli, and Han Solo wears crocs. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Han and Chewie get hitched after Republic legalizes marriage equality. Sith Lords vow to overturn it. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" It's a Holiday Special starring Jar-Jar and the whole prequel gang, with special musical guest Nickelback! --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Darth Vader took a DNA test on Jerry Springer. He was not the father. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" The Millennium Falcon is actually Biannual. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Jawas made a fortune parting out the Death Star, spent it all on sand. No man, really gooooood sand. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Han Solo gets Botox and lip-filler and is now called Caitlin. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Bruce Willis is a ghost. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Han & Chewbacca fight to the death after Han finds picture of Calista Flockhart on Chewy's Iphone. --Biggest surprises in "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" Secret files reveal police feared that Trekkies could turn on society --"The Telegraph" headline, 17 May 2015 Do you just cook things at random and hope someone orders them? --server comment to kitchen overheard at "Bob Evans", Columbus OH 7-year-old boy racks up $5,900 bill on dad's iPad playing iTunes game --UK Metro headline, 30 Dec 2015 Trying to secure information on network-connected computers is like stashing your wealth in a huge paper tent guarded by two winos and an elderly German shepard. --Slashdot The President is very disappointed in us for not fulfilling the promises of his '08 speeches. --Mary Katharine Ham, 13 Jan 2016 Wife uses "Find My iPhone" to locate her husband's body --International Business Times headline, 16 Jan 2016 Your desire to whip out your reproductive organ and show it to the world led you to take his words out of context. --Slashdot, 25 Nov 2015 1700s: She's a witch, for she makes me think lascivious thoughts. Burn her! 2000s: He's a harasser, because he made a hurtful comment. Fire him! Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Dunno. How'd they get inside the light bulb in the first place? We've been wishing Jews a "Merry Christmas" for about 2000 years. They don't shoot, bomb, or behead us in response. I have just returned from Antarctica. Had lots of fun! --unusual vacation summary from a buddy, 2016 A British filmmaker has forced the people who decide how to censor films to watch a 10-hour movie of paint drying on a wall --International Business Times, 26 Jan 2016 I'm a maniac and everyone on this stage is stupid, fat, and ugly. And Ben, you're a terrible surgeon. Now that we've gotten the Donald Trump portion out of the way... --Ted Cruz, 7th Republican Debate, 28 Jan 2016 Q: What blows hard enough to spin something that large? A: Congress? --discussing a wind turbine with 650-foot turbine blades A huge vulture detained in Lebanon on suspicion of spying for Israel has been returned home after UN peacekeepers intervened --BBC article, 30 Jan 2016 Getting old has advantages. I can hide my own Easter Eggs, and young ladies giggle when I give someone the finger. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Screw that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." Can you believe my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. If you're a zombie and you know it, bite your friend! (clap clap) If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear. --Every fascist, ever Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana, and fruits fly to your fly hoping for a banana. --Slashdot Police arrest brothers who sold a fake painting and were paid with fake cash --"Art World" headline, 23 Feb 2015 If you want to roll your own you can skip some steps and just check yourself right into the asylum. --Software review, "The Register", Feb 2016 Comment: My company is run by morons. Reply: Can confirm. Am running company. Am a moron. --seen on Reddit Ever dealt with [company]? Make sure to get your whole head in front of the shotgun. --seen on Reddit The grass may not be greener, but it might have less dogsh*t and weeds. Sometimes, I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my legs, and lean forward. 'Cause that's how I roll. You are not under any obligation to set yourself on fire to keep your employer warm. --System admin comment If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera. --Bette Midler, after Kim Kardashian posted a selfie in her birthday suit I once had a lady here march into our server room and quite rudely ask where we keep the WD-40. --IT support It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. The ability to punch someone over TCP/IP. --System admin's greatest wishes discussion on Reddit Move to 2012 only if you enjoy the technological equivalent of rubbing fiberglass insulation directly into your eyeballs. --comment about Symantec "Backup Exec", March 2013 Yo momma's so hairy, when you were born you got rugburn. Yo momma's so fat, when I thought about her in my head my neck broke. We found videos of a guy playing dressup with a Barbie doll and a dried-up squirrel carcass. --Reddit file-server discussion, March 2016 someone speak python here? HHHHHSSSSSHSSS --helpful coding answer on bash.org It's not my fault some people are so dumb they think I'm talking down to them. --helpful Reddit comment It was like going from that boring yet steady partner to that exciting, sexier partner who beats you up regularly and drives you to drink. --description of moving from Lotus Notes to Exchange Slightly more useful than a cat pissing in your keyboard. --description of PC home support I'm usually the smartest man in the room, if by room you mean gym with an all-girls volleyball team. Mystery of Hannibal's path across the Alps may be solved by ancient poop --Washington Post headline, 8 Apr 2016 Q: What tool do you use to make backups? A: His name is Steve and he doesn't like being called a tool. --helpful exchange on sysadmin list Choking developers is not an appropriate form of "corrective mentoring", no matter how bad their designs are. --management tip I would prefer the zombie ending; then Suzie in accounting could finally get the shovel through her brain she deserves. --job satisfaction comment Virtual reality will complete transformation of children into zombies --NY Post headline, 1 May 2016 Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel. --Mark Twain Those who promise you a free lunch will invariably eat you for breakfast. --Michael Bloomberg I asked my mom who she liked more, my brother or me. She said, "I'm not crazy about either one of you." --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 My mom asked me to close the patio door because I was "letting the WiFi out". --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 When I showed my mom a picture of my college crush, she said "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 Mom told me to walk home after a party. I said, "What if I get kidnapped?" She said, "Trust me, they'll bring you back." --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 Mom called me the first time she watched two Netflix episodes in a row, just so she could shout "I binged! I binged!!" --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 When I passed my classes, Mom said "WTF". She thought it meant "Well, That's Fantastic!" --Jimmy Fallon, #momquotes tweets, 5 May 2016 I'd like to know why well-educated idiots keep apologizing for lazy and complaining people who think the world owes them a living. --John Wayne My handwriting looks like a doctor banged someone with Parkinsons and out I came. --seen on a geek forum When you look at what "new" means within DoD, we purchase yesterday's technology tomorrow. --CIO, US Marine Corps MCSE == Must Consult Someone Else MCSE == Minesweeper Consultant Solitaire Expert MCSE == Microsoft Certified Shutdown Engineer MCSE == Mouse-Clicking System Engineer MCSE == Must Consult Stack-Exchange I'm not bitter, I'm just tangy. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't drown it because it's WAY bigger than you and would totally just run off. "Do you know who I am?" --DYKWIA (pronounced "dick wee") Can it be explained in a way that someone who's afraid of breaking the Internet by typing Google into Google would understand? --Mozilla forum question Microsoft gets into the marijuana business --Gov Computer News headline, 17 Jun 2016 It's not DNS There's no way it's DNS But it always is --network haiku Nothing is working Oh now that you're at my desk Suddenly it's fine --network haiku Oh CenturyLink, Why you go down yesterday, Please eat my ball sack. --network haiku No network connect Failed to check patch cable, fool Always layer eight --network haiku "Can't be the network Because there were no changes," Said the bad admin --network haiku The packets are dropped It must be your management Make three envelopes --network haiku Chinese hackers crash Like waves on the rocky shore Fail2ban kicks ass --network haiku Quick and dirty script We will rewrite it later Later never comes --network haiku ERP goes south Oracle box is all good ERP just sucks --network haiku New Windows update? Authenticated Users Must have permissions --network haiku Such disgustingness Clean the filth from your keyboard now You heathen bastard --network haiku Power's out, oh hell. User: "Is the wireless down?" I'll cut you, dumbass. --network haiku Datacenter move Preconfigure the network? Nah. We should be fine --network haiku VM node is down Take the whole chassis offline Modular my ass --network haiku WiFi is broke Plug it in, redeem yourself Ethernet is great --network haiku Stupid dopey mouse, The GUI is not the way. Use Powershell, Bash. --sysadmin haiku Firewall please stop this I wanted to go home now I thought we were friends --sysadmin haiku IT, help, urgent! My computer won't turn on! Oh wait it's unplugged. --sysadmin haiku My PC won't work. Have you turned it off and then turned it on again? --sysadmin haiku Dev has been outsourced, now performance deemed too slow. Please do the needful. --sysadmin haiku The Exchange gods say: "Please don't try working today, for I am angry." --sysadmin haiku 5pm Friday, still not done with new system. Goodbye to weekend! --sysadmin haiku Your lack of planning Is not my emergency. Put in a ticket. --sysadmin haiku Dell can't find it's own ass with a hand grenade, and can't train the people that they manage to hire to pull the pin. --from a helpdesk discussion Neither 'E=mc2' nor 'Paradise Lost' was dashed off by a party animal. --Winifred Gallagher There is no century number 0, you go from -1 century to 1 century. If you disagree with this, please write your complaint to: Pope, Cathedral Saint-Peter of Roma, Vatican. --Database docs Why tech stuff is like working in porn: you can screw with things, enjoy it, and get paid. Suggestion: You can create a small VB/PowerShell GUI tool to do that. Reply: You can probably hop up Everest too. --helpful admin advice on Reddit Computers are making people easier to use every day. Time spent with cats is never wasted. --Sigmund Freud Gideon: I thought you said you never hold a grudge. Galen: I don't. I have no surviving enemies. --Babylon 5 Central Ohio Urology Group Hacked, Crucial Data Leaked --poorly-worded headline on hackread.com Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for a night. Teach a man to jacket and he won't come out of his room. Looks like the servers went into airplane mode. --helpful comment about Delta cancelling flights, 9 Aug 2016 All sysadmins are currently in the brace position. --helpful comment about Delta cancelling flights, 9 Aug 2016 Update your resume first before helping others. --helpful comment about Delta cancelling flights, 9 Aug 2016 You are now free to roam about the job market. --helpful comment about Delta cancelling flights, 9 Aug 2016 That's what you get when you put things in the cloud. --helpful comment about Delta cancelling flights, 9 Aug 2016 Cox stiffed for $25m --poorly-worded Register headline, 10 Aug 2016 Excuse me while I get my melon-baller to scoop my eyes out. --response to hideous Javascript answer on Reddit From a purely aesthetics standpoint, it looks like a bunch of brackets gang-raped the dollar sign. --great description of PowerShell Half my clients are under water as I live in Louisiana. My week is going great. --sysadmin mailing list, 18 Aug 2016 We get paid because a normal user googles for "why is internet broken" and we google for "dropped packets gre tunnel ipsec fragmentation". --completely accurate geek advice Skills-wise they suck harder than a black hole with daddy issues. --Review of Accenture Senior Management "Windows 10 is generally well-liked by reviewers and users." Other than the cancer, I'm perfectly healthy. --Comment on Microsoft market-speak, Techdirt, Aug 2016 Why did the auditor cross the road? Because that's what they did last year. People are moving from the "It's colored this way to deter theft" mindset to the "Cool, a rare and unique neon puke green pen! I must have it!" --comment on office supplies If you perform the miracle of the loaves and the fishes once, when the people are in great need, you're the messiah. If you do it whenever they ask, you're a caterer. Coffee fixes the damage booze did to your liver, study finds --UK Register headline, 18 Nov 2015 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable... nope, it was DNS. --Sherlock Holmes, sysadmin He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he's copied on /var/spool/mail/root, so be good for goodness' sake. --Santa-geek Your soul sounds like my coffee -- dark and bitter. PICNIC: problem in chair, not in computer --helpful acronyms I would rather get testicle cancer and remove the tumor with a spoon. --comment on calling Symantec for support Looks like Trump just dropped the Clintons off at the dumpster of history. --John Ratzenberger (played Cliff on "Cheers") 9 Nov 2016 Bill is SO PISSED he doesn't get to head up the internship program again. --Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) 9 Nov 2016 Self-Driving Truck's First Mission: A Beer Run --NYT headline, 25 Oct 2016 Arguing that you don't care about the right to privacy because you have nothing to hide is no different than saying you don't care about free speech because you have nothing to say. --Edward Snowden Any sufficiently-advanced technology controlled by a miscreant is indistinguishable from a possessed object in a Stephen King novel. I am tech support Why do I fix microwave? I am tech support --tech support haiku My computer broke I think I'll call tech support Then I'll go to lunch --tech support haiku Tech support calling User ran and hid from phone Back of line for you --tech support haiku "My PC is slow" Did you try rebooting it? Don't lie and say yes. --tech support haiku Do not try to lie! You have broken this yourself; we can read the logs --tech support haiku It is almost 5 Time to call the help desk line I'm sure they don't mind --tech support haiku Time to deploy code. I hope all the bugs are fixed. Now there are more bugs. --tech support haiku Moving old web apps. Don't you wonder what they do? The phone is ringing. --tech support haiku What does this box do? Turn it off and see who calls Perfect time for lunch! --tech support haiku My current server is named YolandaSquatpumpV2 --seen on reddit If you think I'm gay, send your girlfriend over to my house. --Shemar Moore, BET interview 9 Dec 2016 What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Crack-crazed squirrels terrorize New York --National Examiner article, 28 Nov 2005 I'm constantly offered crap Wordpress-based jobs. I can reply stating I feel it's a cancer that needs to be purged from the Earth and they'll reply asking when I'm starting. --comment on recruiters I had a boss that you could have replaced with some email-forwarding rules and a drinking bird to keep the sensor from turning the lights off. --geek comment on management Comment: Harrison Ford may be returning to Star Wars Episode VIII. Reply: Wouldn't be the first time a carpenter impaled on a cross came back to life. --seen on Soylent News Two IPv6 packets walk into a bar. Nobody talks to them. --geek humor Naked selfies used as collateral for Chinese loans --AFP headline, 6 Dec 2016 A 6-year-old Texas girl used Amazon's Alexa to order a dollhouse and four pounds of sugar cookies --CNN, 5 Jan 2017 Germany's "Rent a Jew" Project Aims to Fight Anti-Semitism --NBC headline, 17 Dec 2016 Comment: I work my day and leave at 5 unless the building is on fire. Reply: I leave especially when the building is on fire. --literal-minded geek I just joined the Church of Appliantology, founded by Elron Hoover. Hang my predecessor by the neck from a construction crane. --seen in "What would you do at work if you could?" discussion Most of the statutes, acts, edicts and placards of parliaments, princes and states, for regulating, directing, and restraining of trade have either political blunders or jobs obtained by artful men for private advantage under the pretense of public good. --Benjamin Franklin In general, the more free and unrestrained commerce is, the more it flourishes. No nation was ever ruined by trade. --Benjamin Franklin To prohibit a great people from making all that they can of every part of their own produce, or from employing their stock and industry in the way that they judge most advantageous to themselves, is a manifest violation of the most sacred rights of mankind. --Adam Smith Try getting quotes from someone besides the foxes when discussing the "mysterious" disappearance of the hens. --comment on Bloomberg article Comment: If you WANT to be good at it, you will be. Reply: Um, my golf game would like to have a word with you... He's gotta start from the bottom -- he's small and will crawl in no time so I'd say start him doing CAT-6 cable pulls through the drop ceiling. Probably not even heavy enough to break the tiles. You can tie the cable to his diaper and shake a rattle at the other end of the office. --response to system admin's newborn announcement I would bring a hammer. --Dutch grandmaster Jan Hein Donner, when asked how he'd prepare to beat a chess computer ISMBEC: Idiots in Suits Making Bad Economic Calculations --seen in UK Register, 11 June 2016 You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. --Anne Lamott In 96 hours I got my Linux essentials cert, read "Linux for Dummies" three times, and figured out how to program my Pi to automatically feed my cat when I'm away by a simple text message. --seen on Reddit ...[Trump] could have undermined the messaging so much that he can actually control exactly what people think. And that, that is our job. --Mika Brzezinski, MSNBC journalist, 22 Feb 2017 Giant neuron found wrapped around entire mouse brain --creepy "Nature" headline, 24 Feb 2017 Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie "Silence". It was an astonishing feat that hasn't been attempted by every actress in every role ever. --Jimmy Kimmel, 2017 Academy Awards Meridian man's pet squirrel goes nuts on burglar --KIVI TV news, 13 Feb 2017 I have an irrational fear of creatures in my toilet. Live in Florida for a month -- once you've tea-bagged a gecko, you'll *always* look. --seen in a "where to live" discussion We save computers older than your dad just to use them as alarm clocks. --geek insult Only two things stand between you being consistently mentioned as top-tier computer/electronics companies, like Apple or Dell: customer service and product reliability. --Razer quality feedback I mean you do you baby but if you are at least 30% sirpatstew I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. --creepy fan comment about Patrick Stewart, 7 Mar 2017 First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing, for verbing weirds language. Then, they arrival for the nouns and I speech nothing, for I no verbs. C2K: "Chair to Keyboard" problem --helpful tech-support acronym CBE: Carbon-Based Error --helpful tech-support acronym Code-18: Problem located 18 inches from monitor --helpful tech-support acronym EBCAC: Error Between Computer And Chair --helpful tech-support acronym EBK: Error Behind Keyboard --helpful tech-support acronym EEOC: Equipment Exceeds Operator Capabilities --helpful tech-support acronym ESO: Equipment Smarter than Operator --helpful tech-support acronym FBPC: F***tard behind PC --helpful tech-support acronym OHE: Operator Headspace Error --helpful tech-support acronym UPC: Useless Paycheck Collector --helpful tech-support acronym PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair --helpful tech-support acronym PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer --helpful tech-support acronym TSTO: Too Stupid To Operate --helpful tech-support acronym MSP: Make up Sh*t, now Pay us --helpful tech-support acronym It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of java, the thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking; the shaking becomes a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. --geek version of Dune's Mentat Mantra It was very good of God to let Mr. and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another, and so make only two people miserable and not four. --Samuel Butler What's the difference between a girl and a computer? A computer won't laugh when you try to insert a 3-1/2" floppy. Go to a club. If two strippers fighting for a 20 in a jello pit doesn't remind you that your career situation could be worse, I don't know what will. --Forum advice for a depressed tech worker Uber driver picked up her boyfriend's "side chick" at the airport --News.com.au headline, reported 28 Mar 2017 Perpetual Spitballer: person in management or senior leadership having an unending supply of proposals for wild/drastic changes or additions to production systems, coupled with a complete and utter inability to see the ripple effects or larger context of their ad-nauseam idea fountain. Parrots flying high on drugs annoying farmers by plundering poppy fields to feed opium addiction --UK Mirror headline, 22 Mar 2017 "Times" don't change, people make decisions. There aren't bad "times", just bad cultures, bad institutions, or bad groupthink. --Michael Tuchman Frozen hash brown recall due to possible "extraneous golf ball materials" --CNN headline, 23 April 2017 When my dentist takes off my bib, he always puts on a British accent and says "Were the lobsters to your satisfaction, sir?" --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 My old dentist always tapped my nose and said "Boop!" before looking at my teeth. He did it until I was 20. --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 My dentist pulled my wisdom tooth and held it up, exclaming "IT'S A BOY!" --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 The family dentist down the street from my house has a sign outside that says "We do our business in your mouth". --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 When I asked about new reports saying flossing doesn't do anything, my dentist said "that's just cray cray". He's in his 50s. --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 The dentist that pulled my wisdom teeth is named Dr. Wank. I went home with ice packs that said "I got yanked by Dr. Wank". --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 My dentist has a banner hanging on the wall that says, "I like big gums and I cannot lie". --Jimmy Fallon, #MyWeirdDentist tweets, 27 Apr 2017 I would rather spend 15 minutes giving a tongue-bath to Mama June after a workout than converse with you at any level. --reply to cold-caller I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are. --cashier in a checkout line CIA spooks tried to spy on Soviet Russia using cats implanted with microphones under their skin --UK Sun headline, 28 Apr 2017 TITSUP: Total Inability To Support Usual Performance --helpful tech-support acronym Ethics is about protecting the weak from the strong, not offering up the weak to get eaten by the strong. It's like a person with perpetual amnesia sawing their own arm off over and over again because it "helps them lose weight". --description of repeatedly hiring bad MSPs You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. --Noah Friedman What is the proper tool to use to discharge a CRT? a) An insulated screwdriver b) A high-voltage probe c) Your finger d) Someone else's finger --an A+ cert training guide from 2000 "Circumcision Central, you flop 'em, we chop 'em." --answering machine msg Interesting Reddit username: pentesting_your_mom Interesting Reddit username: MorganFreemansDong Interesting Reddit username: 3wayhandjob Interesting Reddit username: ChefBoyAreWeF*cked Interesting Reddit username: slippery_hemorrhoids Would Your Dog Eat You if You Died? --creepy NatGeo headline, 6/23/2017 TV news crew's truck stolen while reporting on Downtown Albuquerque crime --Journal Staff headline, June 23, 2017 KICK-ME: Keep It Complicated, Keep Me Employed --helpful tech-support acronym Man kept dead wife in freezer for 8 years, made $92K in social security --Palm Beach Post headline, 4 Jul 2017 National security is important, but we won't survive if we become a country of secret court orders based on secret interpretations of secret law. --Bruce Schneier There can be no faith in government if our highest offices are excused from scrutiny; they should be setting the example of transparency. --Edward Snowden His code looked like something made by pointing OCR software at a Jackson Pollock painting. --code review Elderly Swede caught fire after hospital surgery --"The Local" headline, Sweden, 19 July 2017 Stop being such a Pre Madonna. --seen on a tech forum Governmental assurances to keep your data safe have as much value as a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory. --"The Register", July 2017 When you try to teach some people to fish, they become upset because you are very clearly communicating to them that you will not be handing them a fish every day. --seen on Reddit When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! If the client well and truly wants to shoot themselves in the foot, sometimes you just have to hand them the gun. --tech support advice It should be legal to push a user down the stairs and sing "Everyone loves a slinky!" --tech support wishes Datacenters with old hardware are like nursing homes. When you turn out the lights, you can't really expect everyone to wake up in the morning. --tech support wisdom There's no I in "Team", but there is a yoU in "f*cked up". --tech support "There's no 'I' in 'team'." "No, but there's one right in the middle of 'win'." --Michael Jordan Just don't put your head next to theirs. --Response to "Everyone's running around with their hair on fire" You operate that keyboard with the laser-like precision of a gorilla swinging a rock. Someone got two shots of stupid with their coffee today. If you teach a man to fish, teach him the difference between a salmon and a shark. Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. In my years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. --John Adams Ancient malfunctioning war machines with incredible engines made to fly by sheer will and the beaten-wife love of Marine aircraft maintainers. --description of Harrier jump jets If people refuse to give respect despite hard work and competence, they can learn to give it through disaster and suffering. I keep trying to go to this hip new bar called localhost, but somehow directions just lead me to drinking at home. --geek drinking problem Being against high speed rail but being for a hyper-loop is an indication that you have a technology boner that is lasting longer than 4 hours and you should see a doctor. --seen on Hacker News I normally don't like Harvard people, because they can't go two minutes without mentioning that they went to Harvard. --Jennifer Lawrence, on dating Darren Aronofsky 106-year-old Antarctic fruitcake found, might be edible --SFGATE headline, 11 August 2017 I played WoW with a guy that just one day stopped logging in. After a couple weeks we asked his friend where he was. "Sooo, his girlfriend got tired of him playing WoW all the time and chucked his computer out the second story window. He didn't like that and chucked her out after it." --why gamers are dangerous Excel tables still pivot like a granny in a tutu. --PC performance observation Keep hitting that screw with a rock, you Digital Neanderthal. --comment on using Excel for the wrong thing 99.99999% reliability still holds, but the time period got extended by another 100 billion years. --comment on AWS Govcloud failure If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. --Henry Ford You can always count on Americans to do the right thing, after they've tried everything else. --Winston Churchill Ford disguised a man as a car seat to research self-driving --techcrunch headline, 13 Sep 2017 I've heard art defined as "something that has no purpose but itself", and I think that could describe the HP website rather well. --HP user Your message will be ignored in the order it was received. --IT support Pet parrot uses voice-controlled gadget to place order with Amazon --news.com.au headline, 21 Sep 2017 Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. --Oscar Wilde I don't have ducks or a row to put them in. I have squirrels at a rave. --tech support comment We're prepared to chip our dogs and it doesn't seem to harm them, so why aren't we prepared to chip ourselves? --Mike Miller, World Olympians Association chief executive CLOUD = Can't Locate Our Users' Data --Accenture employee Unsent text message passes for will in Australia --AFP, 10 October 2017 Podondectomy: surgical removal of foot from mouth Lawsuit, n.: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. --Ambrose Bierce Italian Scientists Report Patient Who Sweats Blood --Gizmodo, 23 Oct 2017 Any sufficiently advanced amount of data and analysis will be indistinguishable from surveillance. --Facebook version of Clarke's Law Sheep learn to recognise celebrity faces from different angles --"New Scientist", 8 Nov 2017 Don't just embrace the crazy, sidle up next to it and lick its ear. --Stonekettle Station The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors. --Thomas Jefferson We have some great firefighters on our team. Unfortunately I think we have a few arsonists, too. --unknown Claim: The answer to everything is Flash Storage. Reply: I showed my d*ck to all the hard drives, they didn't go any faster. It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government. --Thomas Paine Heart attack strikes American Heart Association president --CNN, 16 Nov 2017 Apology after Japanese train departs 20 seconds early --BBC, 16 Nov 2017 It feels like someone wrote this script with "insert villain here" but no one got around to it, so they just put together the most generic CGI face a computer could render and gave it a helmet. --"Dawn of Justice" review, Entertainment Weekly, 17 Nov 2017 About as useful as telling Indiana Jones to look both ways before crossing the street. --comment about Amazon IT documentation The seven deadly sins: food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. --George Bernard Shaw Charles Manson should have died in the 1970s. You have the Supreme Court to thank for the fact that he outlived his prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi. --Mike Adams, 20 Nov 2017 When in danger, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. --IT motto Finding our "Harry Potter" films un-Christian, people think I need to be guided and send me the Bible. I now have a collection of 20. --Emma Watson (Hermione), "Life & Style", Jan 2018 This guy gave me a big turtle shell with my face painted on it -- that was definitely a first. --Taylor Swift, "Life & Style", Jan 2018 Probably [the weirdest gift I've received is] the dead rabbit I got sent in Japan. --Avril Lavigne, "Life & Style", Jan 2018 I had one girl send me a breast implant, which was kind of fun... I use it as my phone cradle in my trailer. --Norman Reedus, "Life & Style", Jan 2018 Anglican Minister Urges Prayers for [4-yr-old] Prince George to Be Gay --NY Times headline, 1 Dec 2017 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. --Charles DeGaulle Red-eye and black-eye flights available. --United Airlines motto Can't seat you? We'll beat you. --United Airlines motto Board as a doctor, leave as a patient. --United Airlines motto Putting the hospital back into hospitality. --United Airlines motto My research on the Alien franchise says that grunts who wave guns about but don't think much get eaten in the first reel. --Jim Brander Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion. --Harvey Weinstein, 2009 Pregnant Woman Forced To Deliver Baby Early After Getting Struck By Lightning In Head --"Hollywood Life" headline, 3 July 2017 Waxing nostalgic about jobs lost to technology is little better than complaining that antibiotics put too many gravediggers out of work. --Garry Kasparov, chess grandmaster The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. --George Bernard Shaw A standing military force, with an overgrown Executive will not long be safe companions to liberty. --James Madison, Constitutional Convention of 1787 The means of defence against foreign danger have been always the instruments of tyranny at home. --James Madison, Constitutional Convention of 1787 Throughout all Europe, the armies kept up under the pretext of defending, have enslaved the people. --James Madison, Constitutional Convention of 1787 Kangaroos keep stealing the fibre to make boxing ring ropes. --reason given for poor network performance in Australia Clinton: White Women Voted for Trump Because Their Husbands Told Them To --NTK network, 12 Mar 2018 My parent's computer got a virus that would randomly play radio snippets. I asked them why they didn't tell me about it, and they just shrugged and said "we figured it was haunted" like that was a normal thing. --seen on Reddit, 28 Mar 2018 Show me the man, and I'll find you the crime. --Lavrentiy Beria (head of the KGB) to Stalin "Gin Diesel": someone who gets drunk Fast and Furiously. China sperm bank demands loyalty to Communist Party --AFP, 6 April 2018 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. --Fred Allen He that studies revenge keeps his own wounds green. --Francis Bacon Do you know I once made thirty tests in my clinic? The patients who never read newspapers felt excellent. Those whom I specially made read Pravda all lost weight. --Mikhail Bulgakov, "Heart of a Dog" Q: What has feathers and goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven!"? A: A parroty error. Were the Soviet Union to sink tomorrow under the waters of the ocean, the American military-industrial establishment would have to go on, substantially unchanged, until some other adversary could be invented. Anything else would be an unacceptable shock to the American economy. --George F. Kennan A foreign policy aimed at the achievement of total security is the one thing I can think of that is entirely capable of bringing this country to a point where it will have no security at all. --George F. Kennan Sliced ketchup is a thing now. I just puked. --@DanKnightly, 27 Mar 2018 I was stoned and when I got home, I put a frozen pizza in the microwave and entered my PIN number. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 I ordered Chinese food, forgot about it and ordered a pizza, then forgot that and made grilled cheese. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 I once walked in on my roommate eating a box of dry spaghetti. I came back 10 minutes later and he was using them to spell out the word "PASTA" on the table. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 I asked my friend which "Planet of the Apes" movie we were watching, but turns out we'd actually been watching a National Geographic documentary about monkeys for the past 30 min. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 One time I was holding my boyfriend's hand, and I looked down and thought "wow we're wearing the same shade of nail polish". Turns out I was holding my own hand. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 Put frozen waffles in the toaster. Left them in there for a half hour. Freaked out and popped them up. They were soggy, not burnt, which was weird. I ate them. Realized the next morning that the toaster wasn't plugged in. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 Convinced myself I could taste the difference in fruit loop colors. Did blindfolded experiment for an hour. --Jimmy Fallon #StonerStories 16 Apr 2018 Until the day I left, the corner of the whiteboard said "NO FERMENTED SHARK IN THE OFFICE", with no less than three individual "do not erase" messages written next to it. --IT comment about bad places to work Going to college is like going to California during the gold rush, and being handed a shovel and a bag. You get to keep the contents of the bag in four years. --seen on Hacker News I find your lack of backups... disturbing. --if Darth Vader worked in IT I have altered the Service Level Agreement. Pray I do not alter it further. --if Darth Vader worked in IT Claim: $500/month is about what it costs the company for me to sh*t. Reply: You're either underpaid or not spending enough time sh*tting at work. --seen in a discussion about pay Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. --Casey Stengel Computers are cranky, quasi-magical machines that can only be operated by mutant lizard people who have been genetically disinherited from the finer things in life, like meaningful social lives or mating opportunities. --Hacker News Blacksmithing is nice because you get to toast something under flame and then hit it with a hammer to bend it to your will. Kinda like what I'd like to do with our ERP server. --Stress advice seen on Reddit How a hysterectomy is like a divorce: pain, blood, lots of bills, and the net loss of a vagina. --really hideous discussion on Reddit British press corp is locked outside the White House because our birthdates were submitted in UK format and secret service don't get it. --Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) January 27, 2017 Crayfish Amputated Its Own Claw to Avoid Being Boiled Alive in a Hotpot --Time Magazine, 4 June 2018 Homeowner uses AK-47 to kill burglars who shot at his friend, cops say --Miami Herald, 4 June 2018 Police: Teen girl learning to drive kills 2 men in Pennsylvania parking lot --Associated Press, 4 June 2018 Crocodile kills pastor as he baptises followers on lake in Ethiopia --The Independent, 4 June 2018 unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep --Linux commands seen on a T-shirt It takes a special type of ignorance to say, "governments won't overreach, they're here to help" if you've been alive before and after 9/11. --seen on "Hacker News" Explain that you only wear suits to funerals and job interviews. He can choose the event himself. --advice given to IT worker when his boss insisted he wear a suit It's like Discord and Slack had a love child with SharePoint while Skype watched from the closet. --"MS Teams" description on Reddit Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. POS-Dumpster-Fire version 1.6 --answer to "What software is this running?" on Reddit North Carolina politician writes resignation letter in Klingon --Seattle Times headline, 3 Jan 2014 The Evolutionary Origin of Descending Testicles --New York Times headline, 29 June 2018 Canadian Hells Angels Terrorize Hotel by Posting 1-Star Reviews --Gizmodo, 10 April 2018 I'm nude and that's OK, but it would be awfully inconvenient for you to call me naked. I prefer a holistic fashion policy which includes a range of options such as deshabille, birthday suit, unclothed, etc. --What "The Emperor" would say to the Supreme Court Gang of poachers EATEN by lions after they broke into South African game reserve to slaughter herd of rhinos --UK Mirror, 5 July 2018 In the event log: "An error has occurred. Check wasteoftime.log for more details." In wasteoftime.log: "An error has occurred. Check the event log for more details." --seen on Reddit When 900 years you reach, remember the hell that was getting Windows 3.1 connected to the Internet you will not, hmm? --if Yoda was a sysadmin SCCM: Sometimes Crappy, Constantly Maddening --helpful tech-support acronym How did they not die as babies, considering that they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on? --Linus Torvalds, July 2012 Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. --new TSA slogan Grope discounts available. --new TSA slogan If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first. --new TSA slogan Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady. --new TSA slogan Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy. --new TSA slogan Drop your fly if you wanna fly. --new TSA slogan We are now free to move about your underpants. --new TSA slogan It's not a grope, it's a Freedom Pat! --new TSA slogan When in doubt, you'll have to whip it out. --new TSA slogan TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'. --new TSA slogan You *were* a virgin. --new TSA slogan We handle more packages than UPS. --new TSA slogan We make air travel a touching experience. --new TSA slogan Your naked photos are safe with us. --new TSA slogan We've Got Security by the Balls! --new TSA slogan Missing an obvious joke and rapidly changing the subject are other telltale traits; unfortunately, they are also quite common among human Twitter users. --"How to tell if you're talking to a bot", 18 July 2018 No matter how far down the wrong road you've gone, turn back. --Turkish proverb I tend to convince myself I'm on a submarine instead of acknowledging the ship has sunk. --dealing with a toxic work situation on Reddit A teen allegedly broke into a couple's home to ask for the WiFi password --Washington Post headline, 27 July 2018 Q: How long should I bake a 20-lb turkey? A: How high do you want it to get? --helpful cooking answer on Reddit Snark: Oh, sorry, we forgot you were the center of the universe. Reply: You're forgiven. My beer gut has its own gravitational field by now. --how to get along at the office Man Bites Finger Off In Golf Course Brawl --AP headline, 18 Aug 2018 As porn site pounds hard on piracy laws, Cox pulls out prematurely --"The Register" headline, 24 Aug 2018 Just got back from Alaska. Saw bears, some closer than optimal. --2018 postcard from my friend Leigh Viagra won't make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore. DBA goes into a bar, spots two tables in the corner, walks over and says "May I join you?" --stupid database joke He's bearded, fat, and dresses funny. --how we know Santa works in IT #1 When you ask him for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are really bad. --how we know Santa works in IT #2 He seldom answers your mail. --how we know Santa works in IT #3 When you ask him where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." --how we know Santa works in IT #4 Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to him, but did all the work themselves. --how we know Santa works in IT #5 Nobody knows who he has to answer to for his actions. --how we know Santa works in IT #6 He laughs entirely too much. --how we know Santa works in IT #7 Only a lunatic says bad things about him when he's there. --how we know Santa works in IT #8 Automation is just the exercise of power, and unwise automation can do as much damage as wise automation can bring benefit. --Ernest Mueller, 2010 CAMP IN A STATE PARK, NOT IN THE LEFT LANE. --Ohio highway sign, Sept 2018 Programming is a lifelong study of the difference between what you said and what you meant to say. You don't have conversations with microprocessors. You tell them what to do, then helplessly watch the disaster when they take you literally. --"Startide Rising", 1983 novel Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. --Ryan Reynolds, Twitter, 30 Jan 2017 Healthy parenting tip #34: get the child into showbiz as soon as possible. --Ryan Reynolds, Twitter, 1 Aug 2016 After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face. --Ryan Reynolds, Twitter, 14 Jun 2016 Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right. --Ryan Reynolds, Twitter, 16 Aug 2015 I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well, not FIRE because it's dangerous. But a super-humid room. But not too humid, because my hair. --Ryan Reynolds, Twitter, 11 Sep 2015 A semi-manager is like a half-chub. You either ignore it and it goes away or you beat it till it's swollen and spurting. --seen on Reddit Man Chugs Erectile Dysfunction Drug, Ends Up With Permanently Red-Tinted Vision --Gizmodo, 2 Oct 2018 Complaint: I hate having two phones, it's such a pain in the ass. Reply: You should try just keeping them in your pockets. --helpful reddit advice "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of narcissists cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened." --response to Instagram outage, 3 Oct 2018 Senior Principle Lead Chief Synergy Scientist and Executive Vice President of Leadership and Diverse Accountability Initiative Incubators --my new job title Open offices have driven Panasonic to make horse blinders for humans --Techcrunch.com headline 17 Oct 2018 It's like being a shaman; a little harmless sacrifice of a lamb to bring the rain (and sweet lamb BBQ afterwards). Next thing you know, you're tieing up Ted because if the lambs didn't work then surely Ted will. --why you should avoid "placebo" fixes The syntax is gruesome; coming from Python, Rust looks like two rabid gerbils had a war dance on my keyboard. --language advice on Hacker News Hopium: drug that makes you believe something good will happen this time, despite all evidence to the contrary (or no evidence at all). --Jack Vinson We could all learn some valuable lessons from the sex lives of panda bears. --seen in an article from news.com.au, 31 Oct 2018 The smoke coming from the server room makes it hard for me to see my monitor. --things you never want to hear from a user A few hours of trial and error can save you minutes of looking through manuals. Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen. If you know what's in it, you don't know when it will ship. If you know when it will ship, you don't know what's in it. --Delivery Uncertainty Principle Choose mnemonic identifiers. If you can't remember what mnemonic means, you've got a problem. --Perl documentation You will never see a Brinks truck following a hearse. --work/life balance comment on Reddit Netflix invention allows its users to change what they're watching by staring at their screen and sticking out their tongue --UK "Sun" headline, 11 Nov 2018 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who choked on some tacks. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book Q is for Quentin who sank on a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. --Edward Gorey creepy alphabet book When a social-justice warrior tells you what's good for you, check your wallet and count your fingers. The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony Number 9. --Erwin Dieterich Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++? --Richard A. O'Keefe There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses. --Bjarne Stroustrup We're in a bear market. They suck, and not like a hooker with no teeth. --John McAfee, 20 Nov 2018 I told my sister she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. The difference between Liberals and cannibals is that cannibals eat only their enemies. --Lyndon Johnson College Player Accidentally Tackles ESPN Reporter on the Sidelines, Then Asks Her Out --"People" headline, 22 November 2018 Firefighter employed by arsonist --IT answer to "what do you do for a living?" Attendant to nailgun-wielding infant rolling around on a waterbed --IT answer to "what do you do for a living?" Money laundering: Dutch police find cash in washing machine --AP headline, 22 Nov 2018 I was running late for a connecting flight leaving in 5 minutes, so I was racing from gate A to gate B. Halfway there, I realized someone was yelling after me, "RUN FORREST, RUN!" --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 I was fiddling with the side of my plane seat and grasped something I thought was the recliner handle. Then I realized that someone had decided to stretch out behind me, and I'd grabbed their bare foot. --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 I took an edible while waiting and decided to miss my flight on purpose because I was too relaxed and I wanted to finish watching "The Great British Bakeoff". --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 My brother and I were at a self-checkin machine when a woman behind us asked for help. After that, everyone thought we were airport employees. We were there for three hours checking people into Toronto. --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 I was walking to my gate when a little kid ran past me yelling, "THE POOP IS COMING OUT!" --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 A legit clown sat next to me on a plane. When we made eye contact, he felt the need to assure me that he was "a good clown, not a creepy clown". --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 I fell asleep during a long layover and woke up to a little girl poking me and saying "Mommy, is she alive?" --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 I sat next to a man who slammed two servings of nachos right after takeoff. When the flight hit some turbulence, he started yelling "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" --Jimmy Fallon, #airportfail tweets, 30 Nov 2018 Literal-Association Method: You are part of the X group/team and this is X, therefore you should fix it. --How I get stuck fixing things #1 Midas-Touch Method: You were the last one to touch it, therefore you need to fix it. --How I get stuck fixing things #2 Obligated-for-Life Method: You installed this once several years ago, therefore you need to fix it forever. --How I get stuck fixing things #3 Inverse Proof/Contraposition Method: I think you caused this problem so you need to fix it, unless you can prove you didn't cause it. However, since you put so much work figuring out that you didn't cause the problem, you might as well fix it too. --How I get stuck fixing things #4 Sir Bedevere Method: It weighs the same as a duck, ducks float on water, wood floats on water, wood burns, and so therefore you need to fix it. --How I get stuck fixing things #5 I-am-Legend Method: Nobody else is here today so you need to fix it. --How I get stuck fixing things #6 Appeal-to-Urgency Method: If I say something is urgent enough times, you need to fix it ASAP/now/urgently. This automatically nullifies any requests for further information. --How I get stuck fixing things #7 Pakleds Method: You are smart, we like smart, you can make us go, we like things that make us go. Fix it. --How I get stuck fixing things #8 Didn't-even-look Method: There is no knowledge article or self-help for this simple task, so you need to document and fix it for me. --How I get stuck fixing things #9 Not-So-Veiled-Threat Method: You can't do anything right, we want to fire you, but fix this right now because no one else here has ANY idea how it works. --How I get stuck fixing things #10 The ultimate proof climate change is real -- hell is starting to freeze. --comment on NHS finally retiring fax machines First they came for the fax machines and I said nothing, because screw faxes. Then they came for the mainframes and I said, while you're here, could we also get rid of the damn printers? --if Martin Niemoller worked in IT Huawei CFO Offers Husband, Children As Bail Collateral --zerohedge.com headline, 11 Dec 2018 Rare brain-eating amoebas killed Seattle woman who rinsed her sinuses with tap water --Seattle Times headline, 6 Dec 2018 London Firefighter Sent to Rescue Parrot From Roof Told to 'F*** Off' by Bird --Newsweek headline, 14 Aug 2018 Parrot Uses Alexa to Order Watermelon, Lightbulbs While Owner Is Out --Newsweek headline, 15 Dec 2018 Oregon Police Rush to Woman Screaming for Help, Find Parrot Instead --Newsweek headline, 8 Nov 2017 Eddie: Surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Eddie, if I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. --Chevy Chase, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" Everything for the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state. --Mussolini Hackers Could 3D Print Your Head to Unlock Your Phone --creepy nextgov.com headline, 17 Dec 2018 American University Students and Staff Call for Minority-Only "Spaces" on Campus to Promote Inclusion --stupid Breitbart headline, 11 Dec 2018 Wild monkeys with killer herpes are breeding like crazy in Florida --Ars Technica headline, 3 Jan 2019 Astronaut Accidentally Calls 911 from Space --Newsweek headline, 2 Jan 2019 If the company praises you for trying and suggests ways to improve, you're doing well. If they criticize you for not being able to walk on water and turn wine into thermal paste at the same time, find a different job. Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth. --Mike Tyson Retirement plan on Reddit: Work until I can't, move into a refrigerator box under an overpass, die of exposure. Comment: Goal-setting is important, I hear. "Therapy llamas" make an appearance at Stanford University --The College Fix headline, 25 Jan 2019 Q: Has anyone done monitoring as an RPG? Strength == free disk space, dexterity == bandwidth, intelligence == CPU speed, etc? A: On a scale of 1 to Snoop, how high are you right now? --seen on Reddit I'm no Brad Pitt, but I also don't look like someone took a hatchet to a picket fence. --seen on Hacker News DIY Cruise Missile for under $5,000 --seen on www.interestingprojects.com Comment: My next server will be called Sildenafil (AKA Viagra). It'll have massive uptime! Reply: If it stays up more than 4 hours you need to call someone. --seen on Reddit I don't care if Bill Gates is the world's biggest philanthropist. The pain he's inflicted on the world in the past 20 years through lousy products easily outweighs any good he's done. --Graem Philipson A comedian who plays Ukraine's president on TV is leading polls in the country's actual presidential race --Business Insider.com headline, 25 Feb 2019 Gimme an H! Gimme a P! What's that spell? "404 the file or resource you requested is not available" --comment on Hewlett-Packard tech support, 25 Feb 2019 As the DoD says: "You can't spell disappointed without DISA." --seen on Reddit "Goat rope" (slang): USAF military transport jargon, referring to an operation or undertaking involving an unnecessarily large number of people, most of them contributing nothing or actually impeding progress. "Goat rope" origin: Lt-Cmdr Charles Breen (US Navy) tried to untangle a goat's rope, only to be bitten by said goat. He then decked the goat, Mongo-style, just as a busload of tourists rounded the bend in time to think he was beating the crap out of a goat for no reason. Dates back to at least 1988. --urbandictionary.com Woman upset with St. Paul ATM whacks machine with golf club --Twin Cities Pioneer Press, 28 Feb 2019 I had the modest goal of translating a file read into a network operation, and now my machines have tuberculosis and orifice containment issues. --James Mickens, Dec 2013 Comment: It's like physical fitness; you can pay for a nice gym, a personal trainer, etc, but you still have to do the heavy lifting. Reply: I can't imagine the Kardashians lifting anything heavier than a toilet lid to upchuck their biscotti though. --on buying social status Unless you work for Hasbro, don't join a company that plays games. --interview advice on Reddit Yo mama so old, she knows what a kilobyte is! --geek insult Teri Hatcher got me into Brown. --Billy Eichner joking about bribery news, 12 Mar 2019 Judith Light got me wait-listed at Tufts. --Billy Eichner joking about bribery news, 12 Mar 2019 In 1994 I went to a party where three people dressed up like David Hasselhoff from Baywatch. Someone fell into the pool and all the Hasselhoffs jumped in to save him. --Jimmy Fallon #WeirdestHalloweenEver, 30 Oct 2018 Forgot to get a costume for a Halloween party, so I just put a piece of tape on my shirt that said "Dad Bod". I won best costume. --Jimmy Fallon #WeirdestHalloweenEver, 30 Oct 2018 I had to work on Halloween last year and this girl in a taco costume came in, ordered tacos, and about 3 bites into it she asked her friends "is this cannibalism?" --Jimmy Fallon #WeirdestHalloweenEver, 30 Oct 2018 Domino's worker asked if I had any specific requests, so I asked her to send a hot delivery guy. She whispered, "They're all ugly". --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Had two ice-cream bars, but I have three kids. So I ate them both. --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Watched Titanic with my kids and when Jack died, I told them that's what happens if you don't share. --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Once I had to call my bank to reset my password. I had to tell the lady the answer to my security question was "my bank sucks." --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 As a kid at a BBQ, my cousin was bullying me. I waited til no one was looking and punched her in the nose with my hot dog. --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Told my boyfriend "it was the shampoo bottle, it's almost empty" when he heard me fart in the shower once. --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 I watched a woman spend 15 minutes deciding on what mop to get and when she picked one I said, "I wouldn't get that one." --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Once pretended to choke to death, then told my brother (as my ghost) that I would come back to life if he gave me the remote. --Jimmy Fallon #HadToDoIt, 15 Jul 2016 Happy Christmas to all and to all a dried penis. --Jimmy Fallon's "Mad Libs" version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" Any sufficiently advanced neglect is indistinguishable from malice. --Deb Chachra, restating Clarke's 3rd Law When I met his wife I honestly thought she had a head injury. --Reddit comment about business founder, 14 Mar 2019 Europe today is a powder keg and the leaders are like men smoking in an arsenal. I cannot tell you when that explosion will occur, but I can tell you where. Some damned foolish thing in the Balkans will set it off. --Otto von Bismarck, 1878 It's not working. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas. --Ned Flanders' parents, "The Simpsons" The competitor to be feared is one who never bothers about you at all, but goes on making his own business better all the time. --Henry Ford School bus driver avoids squirrels, crashes into house --Spartanburg SC headline, 23 Mar 2019 62-Mile-High Club: Herpes from Outer Space --ACSH headline, 25 Mar 2019 Suspect Caught with Drugs in Socks Allegedly Tells Police: "These Aren't My Socks" --Breitbart headline, 28 Mar 2019 Doctors find tapeworm eggs in the brain of a teen suffering seizures --creepy "USA Today" headline, 28 Mar 2019 Are leaders born or made? And if they're made, can we return them under warranty? --Scott Adams, The Dilbert principle Deputies surround burglar in Oregon home, find out suspect is Roomba trapped in bathroom --KATU headline, Oregon, 9 April 2019 Menstrual monitoring app raises questions about privacy --Boston Globe, 10 Apr 2019 They are tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nosedive. --Reddit comment about getting supplies in an IBM datacenter Talking to you is like playing chess with a pigeon. You sh*t all over the board and then strut around acting like you won. --freebsd-questions list Analysis of caveman's poo reveals he ate an entire rattlesnake --UK Daily Star headline, 24 April 2019 C++ relates to C as lung cancer relates to lung. --Polytropon, FreeBSD list Planet of the APPS! Chimpanzee 'figures out' how to use an iPhone to scroll through videos and photographs --UK Daily Mail headline, 25 April 2019 World governments need a place to send embarrassing relatives, blowhards, and idiots who can't simply be drowned in a tub. --Why the UN exists, Hacker News, 18 March 2016 Florida woman pulls alligator out of pants during traffic stop --ABC News headline, 7 May 2019 Never ask someone on the internet their age. You're either much younger and so you should know better, or much older and should have known better. --Valeri Galtsev, 9 May 2019 We got a report that the network was down and everyone had been hacked. Two of the women in Finance had unknowingly traded their wireless mice, so each was moving the arrow/pointer on the other's screen. --trouble ticket seen on Reddit Fake meat: Don't go bacon my heart, say butchers --Stupid headline on www.malaymail.com, 12 May 2019 It's mostly vermin like mice and rats. It's not like Fluffy McButtwiggles is taking down a hippopotamus. --response to article about cats killing too many animals On the US Golf Association Golf Handicap and Information Network, someone posted scores higher than Trump would've liked, and on days he wasn't golfing, either. --Cybersecurity score-hacking report, 20 May 2019 They have no money and arguably some of the worst leadership in the US. It's like if Chicago and Detroit had a love child. --description of Baltimore after their servers were crypto'd UK teen mowed giant penis into field for Trump to see as he landed in London --The Hill, 3 June 2019 I know a few successful lawyers and they're actually really good people. Reply: I've heard about the alternate universe theory -- you've been there? SAP: Sucks All Profit SAP: Suffer After Purchase SAP: Stop All Production Would you let Amazon 3D-scan your body for a $25 gift card? --Fastcompany headline, 24 May 2019 The way you've structured the business, the term "corporate governance" is as foreign as that thing that came out of Sigourney Weaver's stomach. --2019 comment about the CEO of SoftBank It's like sex with a crocodile -- a great story but only because the odds of coming out alive are so slim. --2019 comment about SoftBank's future A yawn is a silent scream for coffee --Amazon email subject, 13 Jun 2019 The young treat us old people with respect because we're an uncomfortable reminder of the inevitable. --Sir Davos, "Game of Thrones" Seals can copy human speech and sing Star Wars theme tune, new study says --UK "Sky News" headline, 20 June 2019 Claim: The beauty of the UI is that anyone can use it almost immediately. Reply: The beauty of a sh*t-filled moat is that anybody can wade in without having to be able to jump over it. --seen on Reddit A bootloader that makes you win a game of pong before you get to your OS. --Hacker News, "What are you working on?", 4 July 2019 It's really great to grow a beard until you find yourself at dinner absent-mindedly combing it with a fork. --Tom Hanks on having facial hair Gorillas are party animals and make friends just like humans --UK Daily Star headline, 13 July 2019 A colleague once told me that the basic unit of teaching is the bladder. When I said I'd never thought of that, she said, "You've obviously never been pregnant." --seen on teachtogether.tech When the government makes you waste a day filling out paperwork to prove that your dog food doesn't contain human remains, don't blame the regulators. Blame the guy before you who made a buck by vertically integrating his cannery and his morgue. --seen on ycombinator Ain't enough 'O's in 'stoopid' to describe that guy. --Dave "the King" Wilson Claim: You pay me $110K, I'll even drive the CEO's wife to the airport. Reply: For $110k I'll drive the CEO's girlfriend to the airport and not tell his wife. --seen on reddit Try re-reading the entire exchange, then feel free to come back and explain how you did 1+1 and came up with marzipan as the answer. --Reddit reading lesson Keep your mouth closed when looking up. (I work at a slaughterhouse) --"What are your rules of thumb at work?" Fantasy threat: Mossad breaks into your apartment to steal your USB key. Realistic threat: Your cat proudly eats your USB key. --Kelly Shortridge Q: What about drinking to oblivion every night? A: Tried that. Just made me sick in addition to being unhappy. --reddit advice about dealing with job stress Center square for sh*tshow bingo. --Reddit job description You'd have to be twice as smart to be a moron. --seen on "Blue Bloods" IT (Iterative Tautology): the art of repeatedly telling the same people how to do something or how something works in different ways without losing your temper. --IT job description "The-f*ck-is-this-sh*t-who-wrote-this-what-a-sh*thead-oh-wait-I-wrote-it" --what the "T" in IT stands for "Human rights" are a fine thing, but how can we make ourselves sure that our rights do not expand at the expense of the rights of others? A society with unlimited rights is incapable of standing to adversity. --Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn If we do not wish to be ruled by a coercive authority, then each of us must rein himself in... A stable society is achieved not by balancing opposing forces but by conscious self-limitation: by the principle that we are always duty-bound to defer to the sense of moral justice. --Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Please don't take this as me being an ass. I am an ass, but I'm genuinely curious here. --comment preamble on reddit I don't believe anyone who can read could ever have these problems unless there's a scar on his head or a lobotomy puncture near his eye. --response to bad tech question It's like walking up to a girl's dad after your first date and telling him she's ugly, stupid and wouldn't put out. Don't expect dad to be very receptive to you getting a second date. --response to rude tech question Pretty sure Jim Jones had t-shirts printed up with this inspiring missive. --comment on WeWork's prospectus Colossal crabs may hold clue to Amelia Earhart fate --creepy NatGeo headline, Aug 2019 Sometimes you get geniuses, sometimes you get a piece of driftwood that can use a phone. --comment on Cisco tech support Activists buy tickets to DefCon 27 by selling nudes --Vice.com story, 18 Jun 2019 Solaris is a woman that I often troubleshoot But then one day she pissed me off, so I deleted root --seen on reddit Comment about user "analfissureleakage": Username checks out. Reply: The name "iheartpuppies" was taken, so I took the next best thing. Scientists discover monkeys can tell you to shut up in linguistic breakthrough --UK Daily Star headline, 4 Sep 2019 Much of the shouty agreement on social media comes from people who you wouldn't trust to sit the right way on a toilet. --Tom Armstrong, "Sabotage Times", 16 Oct 2013 We are not "watching you," we are compassionately evaluating your flow state. --surveillance euphemism on McSweeneys.net "Keep it. It's hot where you're going." --Akron, Ohio church sign for the thief who stole its $3,500 AC unit Black panther found prowling roofs in French town --BBC, 19 Sep 2019 Pennsylvania man accused of using drone to drop explosives on ex-girlfriend's property --NY Post headline, 19 Sep 2019 Armed robber scared off by little girl who threw loaf of bread at him --UK Standard headline, 19 Sep 2019 Antonio Brown farted in my face and didn't pay his bill, NFL star's doctor says --The Guardian headline, 18 Sep 2019 Hitler's wife's knickers sell at auction for almost $5,000 --CNN headline, 20 Sep 2019 Jesus, hope his knees make a full recovery. --comment on Sep 2019 headline: Adult film star 'Bridget the Midget' arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly stabbing boyfriend Guess she has a short temper. --comment on Sep 2019 headline: Adult film star 'Bridget the Midget' arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly stabbing boyfriend Wanted to return the favor after years of getting poked. --comment on Sep 2019 headline: Adult film star 'Bridget the Midget' arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly stabbing boyfriend I'm sure she'll get a short sentence. --comment on Sep 2019 headline: Adult film star 'Bridget the Midget' arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly stabbing boyfriend He never saw her coming, but most of us have. --comment on Sep 2019 headline: Adult film star 'Bridget the Midget' arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly stabbing boyfriend The world's oldest one-liner recorded was a Sumerian fart joke from 1900 BC. Couple receive nearly 25,000 ecstasy pills in the mail by mistake --CNN headline, 25 Sep 2019 Princeton grad who killed his father after his allowance was cut gets 30 years to life --CNN Headline, 27 Sep 2019 Florida school evacuated after 'bong' misheard as 'bomb' --Sep 2019 headline The reason they only include a 6ft power cord is so people won't hang themselves with it. --comment on SonicWall support I do like to read a book while having sex. And talk on the phone. You can get so much done. --Jennifer Connelly, movie star, 2005 If you haven't learned the basics of the primary work tool in 1/5th of a century, I'll happily walk your purposely-ignorant ass out the door. --comment on having IT train users A walrus defending her cubs sank a Russian Navy boat in the Arctic Ocean --CBS Headline, 24 Sep 2019 Comment: There are better ways to handle entitled employees. Reply: Yeah, but getting them INTO the cannon on the roof to fire them out over the parking lot is tricky. He seems like the type of guy who had sex once and was like "yeah, that was OK, but it doesn't compare to a good D&D campaign." --reddit comment on Bill Gates If your life was a horse, would you have to shoot it? Google Is Coming for Your Face --"The Nation" headline, 14 Oct 2019 Do you guys just put the word "quantum" in front of everything? --Marvel's "Ant Man and the Wasp" Bagpipers do it with Amazing Grace. --bumper sticker If she agreed with me, I would wonder what I did wrong. --Senator Lindsey Graham, about Susan Rice, 24 Oct 2019 An analysis of our issue suggested we would be best served with a system somewhere between a dinghy and a tugboat. Thanks to the misuse of the Gartner Magic Quadrant, we purchased an aircraft carrier. --seen on Reddit There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. --Johann Sebastian Bach Gators to face Seminoles with Peters out --The Tallahassee Bugle Messiah climaxes in chorus of Hallelujahs --The Anchorage Alaska Times GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] --The New Haven Connecticut Register Thanks to President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer now has a son --The Arkansas Plainsman Organ festival ends in smashing climax --San Antonio Rose Petroleum jelly keeps idle tools rust-free --Chicago Daily News Textron Inc. makes offer to screw company stockholders --The Miami Herald Married priests in Catholic Church a long time coming --The New Haven Connecticut Register Governor Chiles offers rare opportunity to goose hunters --The Tallahassee Democrat Would she climb to the top of Mr. Everest again? Absolutely! --The Houston Chronicle Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket --The Manchester Evening News Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link --Cornell Daily Sun Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut --New York Times Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find --The Los Angeles Times 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories --Huntington Herald-Dispatch Alcohol ads promote drinking --The Hartford Courant Malls try to attract shoppers --The Baltimore Sun Official: Only rain will cure drought --The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men --The Sunday Oregonian Low Wages Said Key to Poverty --Newsday Man shoots neighbor with machete --The Miami Herald Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes --The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows --New York Times Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies --The Los Angeles Times Scientists see quakes in L.A. future --The Oregonian Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning --The Buffalo News Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold --Lexington Herald-Leader Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer --Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel Economist uses theory to explain economy --Collinsville Herald-Journal Bible church's focus is the Bible --Saint Augustine Record, Florida Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity --The Chicago Tribune Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear --Journal of Commerce Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person --The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York Lack of brains hinders research --The Columbus Dispatch Fish lurk in streams --Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle Some 40% of female gas station employees in metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago --Detroit News Tens of thousands of goats munch Greek island into crisis --AP headline Grandmother of eight makes hole in one. --weird headline Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing. --weird headline Defendant's speech ends in long sentence. --weird headline Asbestos suit pressed. --weird headline Doctor testifies in horse suit. --weird headline Complaints about NBA referees growing ugly. --weird headline Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers. --weird headline Flaming toilet seat causes evacuation at High School. --weird headline House passes gas tax on to Senate. --weird headline Police discover crack in Australia. --weird headline Tuna biting off Washington coast. --weird headline Stiff opposition to casketless funeral plan. --weird headline Men recommend more clubs for wives. --weird headline Many antiques seen at D.A.R. meeting. --weird headline Ike says Nixon can't stand Pat. --weird headline Two convicts evade noose, jury hung. --weird headline Man held over giant L.A. brush fire. --weird headline Traffic dead rise slowly. --weird headline William Kelly, 87, was fed secretary. --weird headline Nation's hungry attack Meese. --weird headline US food service feeds thousands, grosses millions. --weird headline Collegians are turning to vegetables. --weird headline Milk drinkers are turning to powder. --weird headline Half-million Italian women seen on pill. --weird headline Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted. --weird headline Scientists to have Ford's ear. --weird headline South Florida illegal aliens cut in half by new law. --weird headline 10 revolting officers executed. --weird headline Quarter of a million Chinese live on water. --weird headline Drunk gets 9 months in violin case. --weird headline County officials to talk rubbish. --weird headline Judge acts to reopen theater. --weird headline Man held in Miami after shooting bee. --weird headline Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents. --weird headline Carter plans swell deficit. --weird headline Carter ticks off black help. --weird headline Caribbean islands drift to left. --weird headline Thugs eat then rob proprietor. --weird headline Robber holds up Albert's Hosiery. --weird headline New Housing for elderly not yet dead. --weird headline Town to drop school bus when overpass is ready. --weird headline Farmer Bill dies in house. --weird headline Kissinger allegedly forges Mideast pact. --weird headline Genetic engineering splits scientists. --weird headline Iraqi head seeks arms. --weird headline Salesman says he left 4 large rings in Malden bathtub. --weird headline Hershey bars protest. --weird headline Meat head fights hike in minimum pay. --weird headline New Autos to hit 5 million. --weird headline Queen Mary having bottom scraped. --weird headline Henshaw offers rare opportunity to goose hunters. --weird headline Connie tied, nude policeman testifies. --weird headline Woman's movement called more broad-based. --weird headline Antique stripper to display wares at store. --weird headline Stud tires out. --weird headline Prostitutes appeal to Pope. --weird headline City may impose mandatory time for prostitution. --weird headline Split rears in farmer's movement. --weird headline Mrs. Rydell's bust unveiled at nearby school. --weird headline Jail guard probe in prison sex. --weird headline Panda mating fails, veterinarians to take over. --weird headline Kid's pajamas to be removed by Woolworth. --weird headline Nuns drop out, Bishops agree to aid them. --weird headline Planned parenthood looking for voulunteers. --weird headline N.J. judge to rule on nude beach. --weird headline Child's stool great for use in garden. --weird headline Idaho group organizes to help service windows. --weird headline Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors. --weird headline Pastor against first lady sex position. --weird headline Mrs. Corson's seat up for grabs. --weird headline Soviet virgin lands short of goal again. --weird headline Local man has longest horns in Texas. --weird headline Cause of AIDS found - scientists. --weird headline Sterilization solves problems for pets, owners. --weird headline Organ festival ends in smashing climax. --weird headline British left waffles on Falkland Islands. --weird headline Lung cancer in women mushrooms. --weird headline City pacts fight boils. --weird headline Eye drops off shelf. --weird headline Teacher strikes idle kids. --weird headline Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead. --weird headline Dealers will hear car talk Friday afternoon. --weird headline Squad helps dog bite victim. --weird headline Mondale's offensive looks hard to beat. --weird headline American ships head to Libya. --weird headline Lawyers give poor free legal advice. --weird headline Life means caring for hospital director. --weird headline Hornets will accent throwing game in 2112. --weird headline Enraged cow injures farmer with ax. --weird headline Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66. --weird headline Man eating Piranha mistakenly sold as pet fish. --weird headline Admits shooting husband from stand during trial. --weird headline Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests. --weird headline Plane to close too ground, crash probe told. --weird headline Miners refuse to work after death. --weird headline Juvenile court to try shooting defendant. --weird headline Fund set up for beating victim's kin. --weird headline Stolen painting found by tree. --weird headline Fine young man convicted of misdemeanor. --weird headline Hitler, Nazi papers found in attic. --weird headline Silent teamster boss gets unusual punishment, Lawyer. --weird headline Two Soviet ships collide, one dies. --weird headline Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter. --weird headline Killer sentenced to die for second time in ten years. --weird headline Commuter tax on New Yorkers killed in New Jersey. --weird headline Never withhold herpes infection from loved one. --weird headline Cancer society honors Marlboro man. --weird headline Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy. --weird headline Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better. --weird headline 20-year friendship ends at altar. --weird headline War dims hope for peace. --weird headline If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while. --weird headline Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency. --weird headline Cold wave linked to temperatures. --weird headline Half of US High Schools require some study for graduation. --weird headline Child's death ruins couple's holiday. --weird headline Blind woman gets kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years. --weird headline Man is fatally slain. --weird headline Enfield couple slain, police suspect homicide. --weird headline Something went wrong in Jet crash, expert says. --weird headline Death causes loneliness, feelings of isolation. --weird headline Ford, Reagan neck in Presidential primary. --Ethiopian newspaper Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled -- and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn. --Joss Whedon Leaves fall in autumn, Windows 7 end of life, Upgrade must be soon. --IT haiku Service restarting, application is fragile. Database corrupt! --IT haiku No cash for backups Data disappears swiftly, like warmth in winter. --IT haiku I guess it's Friday. Space heaters tripped a breaker; wear a goddamn coat. --IT haiku "My mailbox is full". Purge your Deleted Items. "No, they're important". --IT haiku Upgrade Windows 10: Oh crap, nothing works anymore. Welcome to IT. --IT haiku Tickets are awful, never-ending drudgery. I need some whiskey. --IT haiku iPad sign-in's borked, please hire a receptionist. Lord I hate this thing. --IT haiku Ringy ding a ling! "My laptop will not turn on!" Did you plug it in? --IT haiku Really large print: I'M NOT GAY Teeny weenie print: but $20 is $20 --seen on a T-shirt The same people who - best case - were unable to keep a guy in a concrete room with cameras on him from throttling himself with a blankey are now supposed to handle your doctoring. --Kurt Schlichter, 7 Nov 2019 Ice preserved a tiny puppy in near-perfect condition for 18,000 years: scientists are fascinated --creepy Washington Post headline, 29 Nov 2019 You Moved Copier. Did you think it would just work? There's no network there. --IT haiku Leaves fall from the trees Users ignore IT mail Just how nature is. --IT haiku Computer failure But have you tried turning it Off and on again? --IT haiku EBay phishing mail. 1 million dollars for bike. Confirm this purchase. --IT haiku 15 years in IT, Built many complex systems, Still can't fix printing. --IT haiku In God We Trust, All Others We Monitor --seen in CIA gift shop Three great powers rule the world: greed, fear, and stupidity. --Mark Twain Best Hotel Name Ever: Morning Wood Hotel, Skagway, Alaska. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. --Plato IdRatherBeOnFire@maildrop.cc --what you tell people when they offer to email you a whitepaper Note: I've heard that when you reach a certain age, you can stop working. Reply: Yes, it's called your lifespan. --retirement comment One of the synonyms for "commentator" is "smellfungus". --item for a lull in conversation Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes its laws. --Mayer Amschel Bauer Rothschild If you wish to remain the slaves of Bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create deposits. --SIR JOSIAH STAMP, President of the Bank of England in the 1920's, the second richest man in Britain An American model has raised more than NZ$750,000 for the Australian bushfire victims by promising to send nude selfies to those who donate. --New Zealand Herald article, 7 Jan 2020 Man chokes girlfriend after she claimed his fart smelled horrible --Wichita Falls headline, 6 Jan 2020 Poll finds most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave than continue to be lectured by climate change activists --Babylon Bee article, Dec 2019 This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs. --review of the movie "Cats" Comment: She'll have a boyfriend in a month. Reply: Then she'll be single after two months. --after Michelle Carter (talked boyfriend into suicide) prison release I keep giving it water, yeast, flour, and sugar and not getting pizza. I just assumed I didn't know what pizza was. --comment on using systemd Weddings, healthcare and education are surefire ways to extract money from people even when the economy is in a slump. At least you get cake at a wedding. --seen on Hacker News "People you may know" + mobile app + taking a dump = "daddy's networking time" --job search advice A man thought someone left a box of puppies on his lawn. Nope, they were bear cubs. --CNN headline, 7 Feb 2020 First-grade teacher arrested for trying to buy meth while at school --Kiro7 news headline, Florida, 7 Feb 2020 That which is falling deserves to be pushed. --Nietzsche A man who is not a liberal at sixteen has no heart; a man who is not a conservative at sixty has no head. --Benjamin Disraeli Being an a**hole is not a signal you are creative. It's a signal of limited market options for the people who have to put up with you. --Hacker News Comment: Electronics can activate my nervous system in a jittery way. Reply: Stop jamming a fork in your outlet. --medicine on Reddit Me: I work at a USAF base, and I gave myself a new job title by printing "Tech Weenie" using the same font as our office nameplates and taping it over what was already there. It was gone two days later. Reply: I'm kind of shocked that didn't stick in the military. --on Reddit Like a choose-your-own-adventure but someone tore out too many pages. --trouble ticket description F*ck that company with a cactus. I worked for them in Tucson so the cactus is only appropriate. --sysadmin description of Convergys Convergys is to engineers as Casey Anthony is to childcare. --sysadmin description of Convergys She's nice, but if she turns her head at an angle to her desk fan, you can hear whistling noises. --nasty performance review on Reddit The first cloned animal, whose birth name was 6LL3, was renamed Dolly Parton (shortened to Dolly) in honor of her origin as a cloned mammary cell. --item for a lull in conversation Men, is your prostate the size of a baked yam? Do you dribble like the Harlem Globetrotters? --American Council on Science and Health, 12 Mar 2020 The best setup is having a wife and a mistress. Each of them will assume you're with the other, leaving you free to get some work done. --programmer with serious work-life balance issues Nicknames for COVID-19 #1: Kungflu Apocalypse Nicknames for COVID-19 #2: Boomer Remover Nicknames for COVID-19 #3: The Beast from the East Nicknames for COVID-19 #4: Hong Kong Flueey Since there are no other health concerns to fret over, two guys decided to fight with real lightsabers --avclub.com headline, 13 Mar 2020 Former China exec missing after calling Xi a 'clown' over COVID-19 handling --Reuters headline, 15 March 2020 Hackers now offering 10% CoronaVirus discounts on malware --security firm Check Point, 19 Mar 2020 DOJ charges two men for delivering prison contraband with drones; goods included drugs, phones, saw blades, syringes and "Just for Men" hair color. --Nextgov article, 19 Mar 2020 Tell everyone, "It's next on my list." Don't mention it's the list of "shit-not-worth-doing-right-now." --Handling priorities on reddit If I wanted a grossly incompetent subordinate whose hand always needs holding and whose messes I always have to clean up, I'd hire my 2-year-old son. At least I like him. --reply to suggestion about hiring former boss Q: What can you get with a $5 Starbucks gift card? A: COVID-19 and $5 change. Violets are red And roses are blue When metamaterials Alter their hue. --weird geek haiku Had a user the other day whose Luddite Field was stronger than my IT Aura. "Micro-gravity surge pass completed" == "The fat bearded IT guy walked past the computer" --PC troubleshooting guide Problem report: server is down. Fix: Complimented server on its appearance. Server is now happy again. Q: Have you ever seen a case where over-automation of tasks got out of control and something big failed? A: Google "cyberdyne systems" It's like dating. A little awkward at first, then you'll be farting on the couch and laughing together. --Reddit on getting used to a new job Have you tried taking a dump in your bosses' trunk yet? Now's a great time since he's probably not driving as much. --COVID method of dealing with bad management Archaeologists now have a handy new tool for analyzing paleo poop --ArsTechnica article, 4/19/2020 Apparently the archaeological record is full of dog poop. --ArsTechnica article, 4/19/2020 5G is so advanced that scanning a COVID-infected document transmits the virus. --stupid tech rumor, 20 Apr 2020 While it's admirable to be the "cleanest shirt" in a pile of dirty laundry, certain areas of human life do not allow the clean shirts to win. --https://fs.blog/2009/12/mental-model-greshams-law/ nanosecond: time it takes light to travel just under 12 inches. ohnosecond: time between hitting "Return" and knowing you f*cked up. Comment: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Reply: Still not Batman. HR keeps calling me though. I've never seen religious faith move mountains, but I've seen what it does to skyscrapers. Did you know they opened a restaurant on the Moon? Great food but no atmosphere. Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others. --Otto von Bismarck Five-year-old boy stopped on highway driving from Utah to California --NY Times headline, 4 May 2020 Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." --Zen error messages in Haiku The Web site you seek cannot be located, but endless others exist. --Zen error messages in Haiku Error messages cannot completely convey. We now know shared loss. --Zen error messages in Haiku Comment: It's up to a carpenter to pick the right tools for the job. Reply: I work with a bunch of tools and I really need to change my job. SharePoint is like communism: it's a lovely idea in theory, and someone will set out to implement it with the best of intentions, and two years later everyone is bitter and angry and nothing works. I'd set the office on fire but I'm WFH and that seems counter-productive. --reply to "use Sharepoint" suggestion Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? This one had a virus. A seat near a Greyhound bus bathroom on "National Projectile Vomiting Day" --seen in a comparison to flying American Airlines Being dragged by your scrotum over volcanic rock. --seen in a comparison to flying American Airlines Mental hygiene: if possible, don't put your wet bar near your work stuff. --advice on working from home Fat Earther: One who believes the world is round but has put on too much weight near the equator. Haphazardly stuck together like an unsupervised toddler with a bottle of Elmer's Glue in a craft store. --description of IBM Bigfix software It is not the computer's job to stop you from shooting yourself in the foot. It's the computer's job to deliver the bullet accurately. I hate you. Please fist yourself without lube. --suggestion for Microsoft employee who thought up NSCI probe There's a reason you separate military and the police. One fights the enemies of the state. The other serves and protects the people. When the military becomes both, then the enemies of the state tend to become the people. --Commander Adama, "Battlestar Galactica" No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. --Voltaire Military And Intelligence Personnel Can Be Tracked With Beer App --Bellingcat headline, 18 May 2020 Often the bar for starting a company is "my parents are rich and I'd like to pretend I'm not useless." --seen in a tech forum Nasrudin went into a bank to cash a check. "Can you identify yourself?" asked the clerk. Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered into it. "Yup, that's me alright." Sex slaves in a twisted carnal Ponzi scheme --seen in a Toronto Sun article about NXIVM Senate Passes Bill to End Payments to Dead People --Nextgov headline, 1 July 2020 Two bald men fighting over a comb. --Jorge Luis Borges description of Argentina and the UK fighting over the Malvinas/Falklands The medium was no longer the message, it was just an asshole. --Craig Mod Cloud services should be like a mini-skirt, just enough to cover the environment but not so much that it actually becomes comfortable. --seen on Reddit It has the responsiveness of continental drift. --review of "Blackboard Learn" software If you're in the mood to claw your brain from its stem and flush it down the toilet. --comment on Google results for "CSS Grid" I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. --Ralph Waldo Emerson Good times make soft men, soft men make things tough, tough times create strong men, strong men create good times. --unknown On Yahoo Answers, the world's least qualified people have been giving bad advice on shin-length skirts to confused 23-year-olds since 2005. --Amanda Mull, "The Atlantic" A useless dashboard and a customer support experience that's only slightly better than a cheese grater to the tongue. --"Carbonite backup" description, July 2020 It became easier to run into the burning building once I knew I didn't start the fire. --reddit comment on upgrades "I've got 8 inches of CAT6e and my RJ45 is running a traceroute straight to your 568b, baby." --system admin sexy talk Treating children for worms yields long-term benefits, says new study --UC Berkeley News headline, 3 Aug 2020 Please, show me where it says protesters are supposed to be polite and peaceful. --Chris Cuomo, brother of New York's Governor, Aug 2020 Cornish drinkers catch a different kind of buzz as pub installs electric fence at bar --headline, "The Register", 14 Jul 2020 When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: "Whose?" --Don Marquis (1878-1937), American journalist and author X: Give lip service and f*ck any follow through. Y: The term "lip service" just sounds like "bl*wjob" to me. X: That would be preferable, at least you get something out of it. --discussion of PearsonVue The power of Internet-shaming is one that can be wielded by even a non-Jedi. Princess Pretty-Pointer's Google-Fu is about as strong as using spaghetti noodles for fishing line. --working with a computer-illiterate 12-year-old Telling a programmer there's already a library to do X is like telling a songwriter there's already a song about love. --Pete Cordell Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut. Show me the incentives and I'll show you the outcomes. --Charlie Munger Comment: "Your recent tickets were all evaluated at 1, please work on your customer satisfaction skills." Reply: "Your Glassdoor rating was recently evaluated at 1, please FOAD while I move on to my next job." What we lack in size we make up for in eccentricity. --Steve Gombosi, comp.sys.super (Supercomputers), 31 Jul 2000 Do a ticket for everything. Scratched your balls? Put in a ticket for "rearranged sensitive equipment". --WFH reporting idea My job is to fix problems that can be fixed. If I could perform miracles, I'd be doing something with loaves and fishes. --Reddit on lazy users AT&T moves at the speed of a heroin-overdosed sloth. --Network engineer Comment: Are you f***ing stupid? Because you sound f***ing stupid. Reply: If you keep bottling up your feelings like this, you'll get an ulcer. --tech support discussion Job applications are like Arkansas Tinder; you got their number, had a fine first date, made plans for another one. Then you find out the position was filled by their cousin. --IT jobs discussion No, it doesn't count in this case because the moon was full and a dead rabbit fell on a moose. --Microsoft excuse to avoid SLA penalty I got a call that really activated my almonds. --seen on helpdesk forum If your car UX changed as often as MS Office? Steering wheel on the glove box, shifter in the backseat, pedals on the ceiling because innovate. --seen on Reddit I have an email archive that's old enough to buy beer in all 50 states. --geek bragging Just because your old boyfriend (LogMeIn) was terrible and beat you every night doesn't mean your new boyfriend (TeamViewer) is better because he only beats you once a week. --fairly brutal video-sharing comparison Installation as smooth as a broken beer bottle. --description of Ivanti LanDesk software Shannen Doherty could slice me up with a machette and I'd still hold out hope I'd get laid before my last gasp. --seen on Reddit Recruiter: "You'll Be Part Of A World-Changing Mission!" Tech: "So.. What do you guys actually do? What do you sell?" Recruiter: "Revenue analytics for the toll booth industry!" Have you tried turning off your computer and never turning it back on again? --snotty helpdesk answer HHS to Start Testing Your Poop for COVID-19 --Nextgov headline, 28 Sep 2020 Q: What management decision did you disagree with but later realized was the right move? A: Hiring me. --seen on Reddit The good things that live in your nose --"Cosmos" headline, 27 May 2020 Italian Police Use Lamborghini To Transport Donor Kidney 300 Miles In 2 Hours --Jalopnik headline, 14 Nov 2020 It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out, it's the pebble in your shoe. --Muhammad Ali Oracle: Law firm run by salesmen. They also have a few engineers. --reddit Nobody goes to a newspaper for news. --Martin Gurri The town of F*cking, Austria changed its name to Fugging. 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Felchville, Vermont, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Floyds Knobs, Indiana, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com French Lick, Indiana, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Gayville, South Dakota, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Hackballs Cross, Ireland --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Hard, Austria --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Hooker, Oklahoma --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Horneytown, North Carolina, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Humptulips, Washington, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Intercourse Island, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Kinki Expressway, Japan --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Kinki University, Japan --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Knob Lick, Kentucky, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Koolyanobbing, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Labia, Waremme, Liege, Belgium --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lake Titicaca, Puno Region, Peru --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lickey End, West Midlands, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lickfold, West Sussex, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Little Dick Lake, MN, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Little Dix Village, West Indies --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Longdong Avenue, Shanghai, China --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lord Herefords Knob, Powys, Wales --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lower Dicker, East Sussex, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lower Spunk Lake, Minnesota, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Lynsore Bottom, Kent, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Meat Camp, North Carolina, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Meat Cove, Nova Scotia, Canada --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Mianus, Conneticut, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Middle Spunk Lake, Minnesota, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Moron, Distrito Cedemo, Venezuela --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Mount Buggery, Victoria, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Muff, Armstrong, Pennsylvania, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Muff, Northern Ireland --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Penistone, Great Britain --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Petting, Germany --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Phuket, Phuket, Thailand --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Poo Poo Point, Washington, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Probe, Utah --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Pussy, Rhine-Alpes, France --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Pussi, Estonia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Rectum, Netherlands --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Round Bush, Hertsmere, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Sac City, Iowa, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Sandy Balls Estate, Hampshire, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Semen, Jawa Timur, Indonesia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Semicock Road, Ballymoney, UKa --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Seymen, Turkey --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shaft, Maryland, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shafter, California, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shepherds Bush, Greater London, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shit, Mazandaran, Iran --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shitterton, Bere Regis, Dorset, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Shyte Brook, Shropshire, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Slut, Vasterbotten, Sweden --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Sluts Hole Lane, Norfolk, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Sodom, Denbighshire LL16, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Spanker Knob, Victoria, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Spread Eagle, Newfoundland, Canada --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Spurt, Belgium --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Swallow, Utah, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Three Cocks, Wales, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Tit, Algeria --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Tittybong, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Titz, Germany --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Twathats, Dumfries And Galloway, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Twatt, Orkney, Scotland, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Twatt, Shetland, Scotland, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Upper Dicker, East Sussex, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Upper Spunk Lake, Minnesota, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Vagina, Tyumenskaya oblast, Russia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Virgin Arm, Newfoundland, Canada --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Virginville, Pennsylvania, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Wankers Corner Saloon and Cafe, OR, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Wecock Farm, Waterlooville, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Weener, Germany --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Wet Beaver Creek, AZ, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Wetwang, Yorkshire, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington, USA --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Wilsford cum Lake, Salisbury, UK --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Yorkey's Knob, Queensland, Australia --from www.vaguelyrudeplacesmap.com Royal Dick School of Veterinary Medicine, Edinburgh --odd school name Moving to Oracle over mistreatment from their provider is like jumping from the frying pan into the goddamn sun. --seen in a CentOS discussion You sound like Steve Carell trying to describe how breasts feel. --comment on NY Times coverage of Fireeye hack, 8 Dec 2020 Kingdoms vary in size, tyrants do not. The society that loses its grip on the past is in danger, for it produces men who know nothing but the present, and who are not aware that life had been, and could be, different from what it is. --Aristotle Hallo. My name is SARS-CoV-2. You are not wearing a mask? Prepare to die! --2020 version of "The Princess Bride" It's hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong. --Thomas Sowell Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. --Maya Angelou (1928-2014) It is not true that high wages make prosperity. Instead, prosperity makes high wages. --Murray N. Rothbard Possession of a system of knowledge should not be confused with either the license or capacity to operate it. --Dave Hayes, FreeBSD mailing list Individual criticisms of a system should not be confused with any shortcoming of the system itself. --Dave Hayes, FreeBSD mailing list "Kubernetes", from a Greek word meaning "More containers than customers" What do we want? Time Travel! When do we want it? Doesn't matter! My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who heard Bernie was pouting at the inauguration last night. I guess it's pretty serious. --Kristy Swanson on Twitter, 25 Jan 2021 If you want purity, date a nun. This is politics, and if you don't win, you lose. --Kurt Schlichter, 28 Jan 2021 I can parallel park an 88,000 ton aircraft carrier but can't drive a car for sh*t. --seen in a "diverse skillset" discussion If the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me, it will protect all of you. --Larry Flynt My company [DuPont] has had a safety program for 150 years. The program was instituted as a result of a French law requiring an explosives manufacturer to live on the premises with his family. --Crawford Greenewalt "There should be a special level of hell for this pus-sucking, gangrenous malignancy of a mental amoeba." "Somebody steal your parking space again?" --"Law & Order SVU", 15 Dec 2000 Access databases in production is like saying your airplane is running on an old Ford Escort engine. --seen on reddit Why thinking too much can be bad for you --"Economist" headline, 29 Dec 2012 In the blacksmith's house, there's a wooden knife --Spanish equivalent of "the shoemaker's kids go barefoot" It's most dark right under the lamp --Czech equivalent of "the shoemaker's kids go barefoot" The blacksmith's horse walks barefoot --Czech equivalent of "the shoemaker's kids go barefoot" The carpenter' door is falling apart --Arabic equivalent of "the shoemaker's kids go barefoot" If it's that bad, it probably goes all the way back to two people not using a condom. --nasty criticism of programming skill on Reddit Luckily we both shat our pants so it wasn't just me who dragged a weird smell into the office. --sysadmin reaction to dropping an entire OU VP's staff's phishing tests have a higher failure rate than a Mississippi science class. --seen on Reddit A plastic bag blowing in the wind is Mother Nature's way of telling you to see a shrink. --snotty review of "American Beauty" Comment: To a construction worker, "Flogging The Dog" means you're not working very hard. Reply: To the average geek I imagine it means something slightly different. Welcome to springtime in Ohio where we get to experience all four seasons in a week. --Col Patrick Miller, USAF, Commander, 88th Air Base Wing, WPAFB Belgian farmer accidentally moves French border --BBC headline, 4 May 2021 The only thing I miss about going to the movies is the excuse to eat complete and utter garbage in the dark. --Billy Eichner Wild boars corner Italian woman at the supermarket, steal her groceries --"Vancouver Sun" headline, 14 May 2021 I think I'd rather die but thank you anyway. --Victoria Beckham, on wearing the crocs that Justin Bieber sent her If you cough the wrong way, I will haul your ass to the curb for streets and sanitation to deal with you. --how a friend deals with COVID Jack Frost roasting on an open fire, chestnuts nipping at his nose. --Xmas card I got from a buddy Dear vegans: I killed the cow that was eating all your food. No need to thank me, it was delicious. --signed, Carnivore Vaseline <- made of petroleum <- made of dinosaurs <- made of meat. Therefore vegans should not use Vaseline. --Spiceworks, 14 May 2021 Checkbox-Driven (AKA Monkey's Paw) Development, where you give exactly what was asked for; surprisingly popular in the government and enterprise spaces. --seen on Hacker News Judge Rules Insurance Policies Do Not Cover Golf Carts as "Passenger Autos" --Sportico headline, 17 May 2021 When I dunk my cookies in my milk, I think of you and hold them under until the bubbles stop. --seen on a coffee mug This Beetle Bites an Ant's Waist and Pretends to be Its Butt --"The Atlantic" science headline, 14 Feb 2017 I have found that my own ability to lecture monotonously on some obstruse topic has (at one point or another) put every member of my family to sleep. --seen on Hacker News Nature never makes any blunders, when she makes a fool she means it. --Archibald Alexander There is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after speech. --Idi Amin So vast a sum, receiving all the protection and benefits of the government, without bearing its proportion of the burdens and expenses of the same, will not be looked upon acquiescently by those who have to pay the taxes... I would suggest the taxation of all property equally. --Ulysses S. Grant Quit thinking about what Lee's gonna do to us and start thinking about what we're going to do to him. --Ulysses S. Grant When news of the surrender first reached our lines our men commenced firing a salute of a hundred guns in honor of the victory. I at once sent word, however, to have it stopped. The Confederates were now our prisoners, and we did not want to exult over their downfall. --Ulysses S. Grant It does look like a very good exercise. But what is the little white ball for? --Ulysses S. Grant There are but few important events in the affairs of men brought about by their own choice. --Ulysses S. Grant It was my fortune, or misfortune, to be called to the office of Chief Executive without any previous political training. --Ulysses S. Grant Nations, like individuals, are punished for their transgressions. --Ulysses S. Grant Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and state forever separate. --Ulysses S. Grant I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle," and the other isn't. --Ulysses S. Grant Declare church and state forever separate and distinct; but each free within their proper spheres. --Ulysses S. Grant Ah, you know my weaknesses; my children and my horses. --Ulysses S. Grant I never wanted to get out of a place as much as I did to get out of the presidency. --Ulysses S. Grant Two commanders on the same field are always one too many. --Ulysses S. Grant The distant rear of an army engaged in battle is not the best place from which to judge correctly what is going on in front. --Ulysses S. Grant But my later experience has taught me two lessons: first, that things are seen plainer after the events have occurred; second, that the most confident critics are generally those who know the least about the matter criticised. --Ulysses S. Grant In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten, then he who continues the attack wins. --Ulysses S. Grant The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity. --Ulysses S. Grant Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor. --Ulysses S. Grant There are many men who would have done better than I did under the circumstances in which I found myself. If I had never held command, if I had fallen, there were 10,000 behind who would have followed the contest to the end and never surrendered the Union. --Ulysses S. Grant If we are to have another contest in the near future of our national existence, I predict that the dividing line will not be Mason and Dixon's but between patriotism and intelligence on the one side, and superstition, ambition and ignorance on the other. --Ulysses S. Grant If men make war in slavish obedience to rules, they will fail. --Ulysses S. Grant I have never advocated war except as a means of peace. --Ulysses S. Grant The great bulk of the legal voters of the South were men who owned no slaves; their homes were generally in the hills and poor country; their facilities for educating their children, even up to the point of reading and writing, were very limited; their interest in the contest was very meagre -- what there was, if they had been capable of seeing it, was with the North; they too needed emancipation. --Ulysses S. Grant In 1850, I believe, the church property in the United States, which paid no tax, amounted to $87 million. In 1900, without a check, it is safe to say, this property will reach a sum exceeding $3 billion. I would suggest the taxation of all property equally. --Ulysses S. Grant The right of revolution is an inherent one. When people are oppressed by their government, it is a natural right they enjoy to relieve themselves of oppression, if they are strong enough, whether by withdrawal from it, or by overthrowing it and substituting a government more acceptable. --Ulysses S. Grant The will of the people is the best law. --Ulysses S. Grant God gave us Lincoln and Liberty, let us fight for both. --Ulysses S. Grant Let us labor for the security of free thought, free speech, pure morals, unfettered religious sentiments, and equal rights and privileges for all men, irrespective of nationality, color, or religion... leave the matter of religious teaching to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contribution. Keep church and state forever separate. --Ulysses S. Grant I felt like anything rather than rejoicing at the downfall of a foe who had fought so long and valiantly, and had suffered so much for a cause, though that cause was, I believe, one of the worst for which a people ever fought, and one for which there was the least excuse. --Ulysses S. Grant [The annexation of Texas] was an instance of a republic following the bad example of European monarchies, in not considering justice in their desire to acquire additional territory. --Ulysses S. Grant Our great modern Republic. May those who seek the blessings of its institutions and the protection of its flag remember the obligations they impose. --Ulysses S. Grant My failures have been errors in judgment, not of intent. --Ulysses S. Grant There never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the sword. --Ulysses S. Grant I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution. --Ulysses S. Grant The theory of government changes with general progress. --Ulysses S. Grant Encourage free schools and resolve that not one dollar appropriated for their support shall be appropriated to the support of any sectarian schools. --Ulysses S. Grant Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church and the private school supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and state forever separate. --Ulysses S. Grant Wars produce many stories of fiction, some of which are told until they are believed to be true. --Ulysses S. Grant The one thing I never want to see again is a military parade. When I resigned from the army and went to a farm I was happy. When the rebellion came, I returned to the service because it was a duty. I had no thought of rank; all I did was try and make. --Ulysses S. Grant Whatever there is of greatness in the United States, or indeed in any other country, is due to labor. The laborer is the author of all greatness and wealth. Without labor there would be no government, no leading class, and nothing to preserve. --Ulysses S. Grant I never was an Abolitionest, not even what could be called anti-slavery, but I try to judge farely and honestly and it become patent to my mind early in the rebellion that the North and South could never live at peace with each other except as one nation, and that without Slavery. --Ulysses S. Grant Venice would be a fine city if it were only drained. --Ulysses S. Grant Cheap cigars come in handy; they stifle the odor of cheap politicians. --Ulysses S. Grant If men make war in slavish observance of rules, they will fail. No rules will apply to conditions of war as different as those which exist in Europe and America... War is progressive, because all the instruments and elements of war are progressive. --Ulysses S. Grant Let no guilty man escape, if it can he avoided... No personal consideration should stand in the way of performing a public duty. --Ulysses S. Grant ...I never heard him abuse an enemy. Some of the cruel things said about President Lincoln, particularly in the North, used to pierce him to the heart; but never in my presence did he evince a revengeful disposition. --Ulysses S. Grant I believe that our Great Maker is preparing the world, in His own good time, to become one nation, speaking one language, and when armies and navies will be no longer required. --Ulysses S. Grant The United States, knowing no distinction of her own citizens on account of religion or nationality, naturally believes in a civilization the world over which will secure the same universal laws. --Ulysses S. Grant I would like to call your attention to... an evil that, if allowed to continue, will probably lead to great trouble... It is the accumulation of vast amounts of untaxed church property. --Ulysses S. Grant England and the United States are natural allies, and should be the best of friends. --Ulysses S. Grant It is preposterous to suppose that the people of one generation can lay down the best and only rules of government for all who are to come after them, and under unforeseen contingencies. --Ulysses S. Grant As soon as slavery fired upon the flag it was felt, we all felt, even those who did not object to slaves, that slavery must be destroyed. We felt that it was a stain to the Union that men should be bought and sold like cattle. --Ulysses S. Grant I would suggest the taxation of all property equally whether church or corporation. --Ulysses S. Grant I could shoot myself in the head for writing that song. --Jani Lane from "Warrant", on writing the song "Cherry Pie" Tell them that a giant slug captured me and forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn't like it. And then I took it off. Backstage. --Carrie Fisher, about her costume in "Return of the Jedi" I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. --Spike Milligan I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. --Zaphod Beeblebrox, "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis. --Zaphod Beeblebrox, "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" I wish I'd read this earlier; would have saved me a lot of time and money and my therapist a lot of Grecian Formula and lithium. --seen on spiceworks Figuring out these new issues will take a bit and Until we're Comfortable that we Know the root cause we can't Yet properly Organize a remediation to Undo the problem. --how to say it politely Sales BS: It's not a bug, it's a feature! Reply: My foot up your ass isn't a bug, it's a pleasure. --Reddit Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. --something Confucius probably didn't say Passionate kiss like spider web: leads to undoing of fly. --something Confucius probably didn't say Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent. --something Confucius probably didn't say Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. --something Confucius probably didn't say Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. --something Confucius probably didn't say Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted. --something Confucius probably didn't say Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. --something Confucius probably didn't say War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left. --something Confucius probably didn't say Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night. --something Confucius probably didn't say It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it. --something Confucius probably didn't say Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room. --something Confucius probably didn't say Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. --something Confucius probably didn't say I like my women how I like my coffee: without pubic hair --seen on Medium, 9 Sep 2021 Yo momma so ugly, she scares blind people. On a good day I am charming as fuck. --Wil Wheaton I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. --Gustavo Vazquez On Halloween, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. --Gustavo Vazquez I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. --bumper sticker The right of self-defense is the first law of nature; in most governments it has been the study of rulers to confine this right within the narrowest limits possible. Wherever standing armies are kept up, and when the right of the people to keep and bear arms is, under any color or pretext whatsoever, prohibited, liberty, if not already annihilated, is on the brink of destruction. --Henry St. George Tucker, in Blackstone's 1768 "Commentaries on the Laws of England." We're just learning that when it comes to taxes, Washington speaks with an accomplished forked tongue. --Martin L. Gross According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. Apparently, women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. --Robert De Niro Liberty once lost is lost forever. When the People once surrender their share in the Legislature, and their Right of defending the Limitations upon the Government, and of resisting every Encroachment upon them, they can never regain it. --John Adams, 1775 1972: skinny dipping 2012: chunky dunking 1972: The perfect high 2012: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2012: EKG 1972: Growing pot 2012: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2012: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2012: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2012: Weed killer 1972: Going to a new, hip joint 2012: Receiving a new hip joint 1972: Rolling Stones 2012: Kidney Stones 1972: Disco 2012: Costco 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2012: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1972: Taking acid 2012: Taking antacid 1972: Passing the drivers' test 2012: Passing the vision test 1972: Whatever 2012: Depends Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add "within the limits of the law," because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the right of an individual. --Thomas Jefferson to Isaac H. Tiffany, 1819 You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people. --Conan O'Brien Replacement for the French national anthem #2: "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers Replacement for the French national anthem #3: "Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis Replacement for the French national anthem #5: "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards Replacement for the French national anthem #8: "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond Replacement for the French national anthem #9: "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers Replacement for the French national anthem #10: "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin Replacement for the French national anthem #11: "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi No wonder you always go home alone. --Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. --General George S. Patton Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. --Mark Twain Scientists Build Orgasm Machine For Women --headline on "CBS Charlotte" site, 5 Mar 2014 For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well-organized and armed militia is their best security. --Thomas Jefferson The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. --Thomas Jefferson Slovenian woman's hand sawn off in insurance fraud --BBC headline, 11 Mar 2019 World governments need a place to send embarrassing relatives, blowhards, and idiots who can't simply be drowned in a tub. --Why the UN exists, Hacker News, 18 Mar 2016 Pretty much the center square for sh*tshow bingo. --job description on reddit Former China exec missing after calling Xi a 'clown' over COVID-19 handling --Reuters headline, 15 Mar 2020 Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. --H.L. Mencken The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows. Everything else was locked. --"The Goon Show" Cats can be problematic when working from home as they have no respect for keyboards or screen visibility. --Spiceworks, 11 June 2021 Q: What are your thoughts on bypassing the IT ticket queue by asking questions while at the adjacent urinal? A: If they shake it for me they get to the top of the list. --seen on reddit "Virgin Galactic says it will launch Richard Branson to space on July 11." REPLY: Leave him there. --Spiceworks, 2 July 2021 Thomas Jefferson once said, "We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works." And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. --Ronald Reagan I went to a friend's house the other night. She told me to make myself at home so I threw her out. I hate visitors. --Spiceworks, 8 July 2021 Contrary to what some students in my son's class thought, it is not Avocado's number. --confusion about Avogadro's Number seen on Spiceworks Haikus are easy, but sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. --seen on Spiceworks Q: How are two finger typists and Washington interns similar? A: They're all hunt 'n peckers. THAAS (Trojan Horse as a Service), aka Microsoft Teams. --The Register, 26 July 2021 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. --Garrison Keillor L'abbaye de monte-a-regret (The Abbey of the Reluctant Climb) --nickname for the guillotine during the French Revolution Le Rasoir national (The national Razor) --nickname for the guillotine during the French Revolution Vivaldi's last words: I'll be Bach! Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two to do it, and one to read the instructions out loud -- oops, wrong profession... There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell 'em. --Louis Armstrong 100-year-old fruit cake by Huntley & Palmers deemed "almost eatable" after being discovered in hut used by Captain Scott's Antarctica expedition --Happened on 10 Aug 2017 Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. -- Earl Wilson Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have? A: Three - left ear, right ear, and his wild frontier. --Spiceworks We needed a new capital anyway. On a side note, would you Brits mind doing that for us again? --War of 1812 comment, Spiceworks The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. --Phyllis Diller A handful of luck is better than a bushel of brains. --odd fortune-cookie message I got It was a pigeon that looked slightly different from other pigeons. And it didn't like to drive. --answer to "what is a passenger pigeon?" Eugenics without birth control seems to us a house builded [sic] upon the sands. It is at the mercy of the rising stream of the unfit. --Margaret Sanger, "Birth Control and Racial Betterment", 1919 Q: Left my front door open, my Roomba went out, and now I can't find it. Is this a problem? It has no natural predators. A: It'll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum. --seen on Spiceworks For Halloween, I pinned socks to my shirt and went as a static Klingon. I've only had one drink. --Aesop's other fables #1 I never got your message. --Aesop's other fables #2 Traffic was crazy. --Aesop's other fables #3 It was like that when I got here. --Aesop's other fables #4 My phone must have died. --Aesop's other fables #5 He/she/it was dead when I got here. --Aesop's other fables #6 Have supercomputers replaced nuclear arsenals as the politicians' strap-on penis of choice while I wasn't looking? --"The Register", 22 Sep 2021 "Attention! Now we sing together the story of the pig-headed dog and the dear Red Baron!" --German at the start of "Snoopy and the Red Baron", The Royal Guardsmen You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant. --Harlan Ellison Dude wore his nerdiness like a Jedi wore his light saber or a Lensman her lens. Couldn't have passed for Normal if he'd wanted to. --Junot Diaaz, "The Brief Wondrous Life Of Oscar Wao" Admiral Horatio Nelson: "England expects that every man will do his duty." Random sailor: "I just did mine in my pants." --MAD Magazine My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana. --Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls While my flight was sitting on the tarmac, a little girl was singing her ABC's, but she was saying them out of order. Some guy towards the back of the plane yells out, "ABCs remix! Sing it girl!" --Spiceworks, 7 Oct 2021 We are to regard education as a service industry, like a laundry; parents are the customers, teachers the washers, children the dirty linen. --Stephen Fry, "Paperweight" Parent power is not a sign of democracy, it is a sign of barbarism. And what in the name of boiling hell do parents know about education? How many educated people are there in the world? I could name seventeen or eighteen. --Stephen Fry, "Paperweight" I'm so old my Social Security number is written in Roman numerals. Why am I charged for overweight bags when Jabba the Hut's big brother is allowed to overflow into 3 seats for free? --"The Register", 18 Oct 2021 If I want to watch mindless automatons do everything without asking for human input I'd turn on CSPAN. --reaction to autonomous-racecar announcement The quality of your support makes me want to lick an electric fence. --seen on reddit 10 Nov 2021 Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. --Marcus Aurelius Seen on T-shirt (large print): If I'm ever on life support, unplug me. (small print): Then plug me back in. See if that works. Someone Drove a Truck Through My Birth Canal --seen on Medium, 9 Dec 2021 Storm Drains Keep Swallowing People During Floods --creepy ProPublica headline, 9 Dec 2021 Jira already kicked my wife and had sex with my dog. --14 Dec 2021 reddit comment about Log4j problems The war isn't meant to be won, it's meant to be continuous. --George Orwell To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle. --George Orwell If the only way you know how to train a dog is by beating it, don't be surprised if all it learns is to cower in a corner and piss itself. --seen on Reddit, 16 Dec 2021 "90 Day Fiance" star: I make $50K a week selling my farts in a jar --NY Post headline, 14 Dec 2021 Fascism is cured by reading, racism is cured by traveling. --attributed to Miguel de Unamuno American and Latin American coverage of UK events is like Gell-Mann amnesia on crack. --Hacker News, 18 Dec 2021 I'm obscure, decrepit, terrified, ill-favored, penniless, and fond of adjectives. --Lytton Strachey Why do they call it a kilt? Because that's what happened to the last man to call one a skirt. --(really) old Scottish joke Parents need to learn that they're not raising kids, they're raising adults. When your kids sit around and whine while doing nothing, well, that's the kind of adults you're raising. --Reddit, 22 Dec 2021 Wait until the trajectory of the feces intercepts the position of the multi-bladed atmospheric agitator. --Reddit, 23 Dec 2021 Every generation, civilization is invaded by barbarians. We call them 'children'. --Hannah Arendt In terms of technical expertise, we found that a Microsoft technician using Knowledge Base was about as helpful as a Psychic Friends reader using Tarot Cards. --Purdue U. comment about MS tech support It's amazing how far they've fallen considering how low they were to begin with. --Reddit comment about MS tech support, 6 Jan 2022 VP Harris slammed for comparing Jan 6 riot to Pearl Harbor, 9/11 --Washington Times, 6 Jan 2022 Attorney General Garland: DOJ has 'no higher priority' than charging, prosecuting Jan 6 rioters --Washington Times, 6 Jan 2022 To this day, I still do not know what came over me. --Prince William, on why he sang "Livin' on a Prayer" with Taylor Swift and Jon Bon Jovi in 2013 There's "putting more on your plate", and then there's walking up with a shovel full of crap and flinging it in the general direction of the plate. --seen on Reddit Yes, You Can Transplant a Head --creepy Medium headline, 20 Jan 2022 You can lead a horse to water, but it still struggles while you hold its head under. --seen on Reddit Management: "We're like family here." Meaning: You get to work 12 hour shifts to cover for the incompetence of a nephew who just got hired to manage your department. --seen on Reddit Management: "We work hard and we play hard." Meaning: We're functional alcoholics who collectively drink our pain away at the nearby dive bar, and we call it "work socialization". --seen on Reddit They could be buried in a dumpster. I will find them, and I will eat them. --Neil Patrick Harris on his love for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Aaron Brr --Michigan snowplow name Auntie Arctica --Michigan snowplow name Austin Plowers --Michigan snowplow name Betty Whiteout --Michigan snowplow name Darth Blader --Michigan snowplow name Dolly Plowton --Michigan snowplow name Frostin Powers --Michigan snowplow name Frosty the Snowplow --Michigan snowplow name Han Snow-Lo --Michigan snowplow name Hipplowpotomus --Michigan snowplow name Ice Ice Baby --Michigan snowplow name Jon Bon Snowi --Michigan snowplow name Large Marge --Michigan snowplow name Melton John --Michigan snowplow name Mission Implowsible --Michigan snowplow name Peppy Le Plow --Michigan snowplow name Pillsbury Plowboy --Michigan snowplow name Plowasaurus Rex --Michigan snowplow name Rupert Slushington IV --Michigan snowplow name Salt Salt Baby --Michigan snowplow name Scoop Dogg --Michigan snowplow name Sir Plows-A-Lot --Michigan snowplow name Sir Salts-A-Lot --Michigan snowplow name Sleetwood Mac --Michigan snowplow name Snowba Fett --Michigan snowplow name Snowbacca --Michigan snowplow name Snowbegone Kenobi --Michigan snowplow name Snowprah Winfrey --Michigan snowplow name The Abominable Snowplow --Michigan snowplow name The Big LePlowski --Michigan snowplow name The Great and Plowerful Oz --Michigan snowplow name Truck Norris --Michigan snowplow name Every time I meet a prostitute, she wants to talk about God. And every time I meet a priest, he wants to talk about sex. --Osho Have you ever heard a kid learning to play the violin? A cat in the microwave is nothing compared to it. --P.J. O'Rourke Boss says USB cables transmit data slower if coiled compared to straightened --seen on reddit Took me 8 months before I realized users could fuck up a wet dream and a free meal. --seen on reddit A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get for you, President Zelensky?" Don't bend the ethernet cable; the 0's are slippery and can make it through the bend, but the 1's have edges and will get stuck. --IT superstition seen on Reddit Our army is fighting in such a way that NATO should apply for entry into Ukraine. --Anastasiia Lenna, former Ukrainian Miss Universe Yet more ransomware Oh God please not this again Offline backup where? --IT haiku You mean that server? I shut it down months ago to save some money. --IT haiku Reboot the machine Was my instruction to you You turned off the screen --IT haiku Of course I don't mind if you call at 10pm. I went home at 4. --IT haiku Problems grow and grow, unlike my pittance wages. Want to be plumber. --IT haiku Your query is trash, you outer-joined ten tables. It will take a year. --DBA haiku Roses are red, Violets are blue, Log a damn ticket or STFU. --IT Hallmark card Medical student surgically implants Bluetooth device into own ear to cheat in final exam --UK Independent, 25 Feb 2022 Guy Leaves Hitman 5-star Review for Secret Lover's Murder --seen on Medium, 16 Mar 2022 He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed tuning, and we had to split. --Mimi Rogers, on her marriage to Tom Cruise It's better for the world. --Mariah Carey, on why she doesn't drive Just pulled a drowned rat out of our toilet and am pretty sure I can finally call myself a New Yorker. --Rachel Brosnahan, 17 Jan 2022 Using a phone feels like trying to perform laparoscopic brain surgery through the ankle. --seen on reddit A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. --Ghandi Getting to be a hero for fixing a problem that nobody knows I caused. --Reddit answer to "Best thing about being a sysadmin?" Any sufficiently-dominant corporation is indistinguishable from a government. --Hacker News, 30 Mar 2022 "How did you go broke?" "Slowly at first, then all at once." --misquote from Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises", 1926 The library of Alexandria fell into disrepair. Try not to let the same thing happen to your head, or all your experience will be for nothing. It doesn't make sense to hire smart people and tell them what to do. We hire smart people so they can tell us what to do. --Steve Jobs There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. --Peter Drucker Q: Where can one learn [machine shop] skills? A: Community college or a guy who knows how. --Hacker News, Mar 2022 If a country can't exist without a cabal of gutless neo-Hitlerites ruling it, then for the sheer common good it shouldn't exist at all. --Russia comment on tildes.net, 2 Apr 2022 Wearing Shoes Inside Your House is Like French Kissing the Sidewalk --seen on Medium, 3 Apr 2022 There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists. --Yosemite National Park, while trying to design a bear-proof trash can Knowledge is like manure. It stinks if you pile it up and hoard it, but if you spread it around things grow. --deep KM advice on Reddit To make error is human. To propagate error to all server in automatic way is devops. --If Borat worked in IT Is it just me or are these products like comparing apples and plastic because you can make something that looks like an apple out of plastic? --Reddit comment on comparing Notion to Jira Maybe if I write it on my hand and bitch-slap them, they'll remember every time they look in the mirror. --Reddit feedback advice Google: where SkyNet meets Idiocracy --CentOS mailing list, May 2022 Chloroform in print. --Mark Twain, on "The Book of Mormon" I was like, "I can't. I don't have the patience for this." So I signed her up for a private teacher. --Serena Williams, on why she's not giving her 4-yr-old tennis lessons She's the love interest of all the guys on the show, and then I found myself rooting for them. I was like, "Am I in the way?" --Shaun White, on binging girlfriend Nina Dobrev's "The Vampire Diaries" Oh, that's disappointing... I'm not sure why we would take out the best part. --Elisabeth Moss, after learning Season 2 of "Bridgerton" doesn't have as much sex. A computer is like an air conditioner; it becomes useless once you open Windows. --Linus Torvalds Q: Remind me, how many AR-15s did Jesus own? A: Not enough to avoid being murdered by his government. --Britton Wolf You either schedule maintenance for your equipment, or it will schedule it for you. --IT rule of thumb SysAdmining without Powershell is like pumping a lathe with your feet. --seen on Reddit, 25 Jun 2022 Musing: I wish escort and IT work paid the same. Reply: You could say it does, but just like in escort work the pimp takes most of the money. --seen on Reddit, 25 Jun 2022 The most effective way to destroy people is to deny and obliterate their understanding of their own history. --George Orwell Swarms of tiny robots could one day floss your teeth --Nextgov headline, 11 July 2022 You did the impossible. You became a lawyer without getting significantly worse. --Clare to her brother, on "The Time Traveler's Wife" I said, "I'm good. I'm 25." --Simone Biles, Olympic medalist, after a flight attendant saw her 4'8" size and offered her a coloring book If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. --Albert Einstein How do you know a geek is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you. --stupid IT joke Damn girl, you sitting on an F5 key? Because that ass is refreshing. --really bad IT pickup line Baby, my servers never go down -- but I do! --really bad IT pickup line I like my porn like I like my Internet search history... disabled. --stupid IT joke NITFUR: Not IT Function, User Responsibility --IT acronyms We put lightning in sand and forced it to do math, which it does for remarkably long periods of time. On very rare occasions the sand disobeys orders, and we don't know why. --great IT troubleshooting excuse Virtualization: a box full of boxes that people who are afraid of hardware use to avoid hardware. Comment: Artificial intelligence is no match for human stupidity. Reply: Skynet has entered the chat. --seen on Reddit If you ever meet my sister-in-law, two things I would warn you against; believing anything she says and eating any cucumbers out of her refrigerator. --my buddy Sam cockwomble: derogatory British slang for a person (usually male) who is prone to making outrageously stupid statements and/or engaging in inappropriate behaviour while having a very high opinion of their own wisdom and importance. --Urban Dictionary Comment: The only thing he's good at is pulling and terminating CAT cable. Reply: If he's about 50 ohms, he'd be useful for terminating coax. --seen on Reddit [My style is like] a 90s sex worker who's just won her case in court. --attributed to Jennifer Lawrence, Aug 2022 Arsemonger: A person who generates contempt (British insult) Chav: White Trash, Low Class ("Council-housed and violent", British insult) Knobhead: Dickhead (British insult) Like a dog with two dicks: Man-whore (British insult) Lost the plot: Gone crazy or completely stupid (British insult) Mad as a bag of ferrets: Crazy (British insult) Not batting on a full wicket: Eccentric person (British insult) Saddle-goose: A complete fool (British insult) Tosser: Supreme asshole or jerk (British insult) Uphill Gardener: Another way of saying homosexual (British insult) Villain, I have done thy mother: self-explanatory British insult If you're not part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem. --Consultant's motto Admin-1: Doesn't the system have a monitoring API or some health check? Admin-2: If it did, I wouldn't be an alcoholic. Admin-1: You'd probably just be an alcoholic for different reasons. --seen on Reddit Lana [didn't want] Warner Bros to make the movie themselves, so she took the ball and ran over it with her car so no one else could play with it. --Jax Dagger, reviewing "Matrix 4" A man driving on the autobahn hears a newsflash on the radio: "Warning for drivers on the A7 northbound! A car is going the wrong way!" "Like hell!" snorts the man: "It ain't just one car, it's hundreds of them!" --unknown Never underestimate the ability of management to look a gift horse in the mouth while shooting it in the foot. --Hacker News, 17 Sep 2022 Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick. --Hippocrates It has more footguns than anything I've seen in IT except perhaps AWS billing. --YAML description on Reddit, 5 Oct 2022 Learning ansible exposes you to YAML, which is known in the state of California to cause cancer. --helpful feedback on Reddit, 5 Oct 2022 The users thought all we did was plant magic computer seeds and then go back to our desks for a nap. --Reddit sysadmin description, 8 Oct 2022 Microbes that cause cavities can form superorganisms able to "crawl" on teeth --University of Pennsylvania Health Sciences, 4 Oct 2022 Comment: Sounds like dealing with children. Reply: Children are easier. They don't have HR. --Reddit discussion about offsite support The Cloud: someone else's server room requiring you to have faith and a stable Internet connection. --seen on Reddit Tuna use sharks as back-scratchers despite risk of being eaten --"New Scientist" headline, 19 October 2022 "Monitor blew its load" --Helpdesk ticket for a blown CRT back in the day, seen on Reddit The US Postal Service wants to raise stamp prices from 60 to 63 cents. Based on the number of people who still write letters, that could create up to $10 in new revenue. --Jimmy Fallon, Oct 2022 A man is suing "Texas Pete" because the hot sauce is made in North Carolina. Wait 'til this guy hears about Mars bars. --Steven Colbert, Oct 2022 Two bobcats in a burlap sack with a Nixon mask sewn on. --Reddit description of an irate computer user, 1 Nov 2022 Q: I have no idea how an Excel pivot table works. A: It's a 2-D array. Unfortunately you have a 3-D brain, so just beat your head against the wall until you have enough brain damage to become an auditor or your skull caves in perfectly flat. --Reddit, 5 Nov 2022 Average tenure at a tech company is 16 months, because that's how long it takes for the code you wrote on your first day to come back and bite you in the ass. --Hacker News, 10 Nov 2022 Recklessness and deceit do not automatically excuse themselves by notice of repentance. --Louis Brandeis, 1936 When we are shown scenes of starving children in Africa, with a call for us to do something to help them, the underlying ideological message is something like: "Don't think, don't politicize, forget about the true causes of their poverty, just act, contribute money, so that you will not have to think. --Slavoj Zizek I previously worked at a Catholic school that had a cemetery attached to it. The office admin told me that was the only way I was allowed to leave employment. --IT posting on Reddit, 20 Nov 2022 Putin tells Russian mothers of fallen troops in Ukraine that he shares their pain --Washington Times, 25 Nov 2022 At war, you don't get accidentally killed. You accidentally survive. --Anatoliy Avdiivka, Ukraine, 25 Nov 2022 A vote is not a valentine for the candidate, it's a chess move for the world you want to live in. If a tree falls in the woods, and the wife isn't around, is the husband still wrong? We have a lot of "Subject matter wasn't paying attention" and "Subject matter run to vendor support". --Reddit discussion of SME (Subject Matter Experts) An election is just an advance auction on stolen goods. --H.L. Mencken A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --seen on Reddit Three bears arrived at their den to discover a yellow-haired girl sleeping, and as she was neither too hot nor too cold, neither too soft nor too hard, but just right, they ate her. --Neil Prowd, Victoria, Australia My road trip home from this holiday will be 17 hours, 6 of it through the Texas Panhandle, which is a violation of the Geneva Convention. --seen on Reddit "Southwest Airlines" group, 27 Dec 2022 There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again. --George W. Bush, Education Remarks, 17 Sep 2002 Q: What's metal and smells like pepper? A: Iron Man's fingers. --seen on Reddit "Unclejokes" Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls. --Reddit "Unclejokes" Cut and pasted code that if it was JPEG would look like someone sneezed on the screen. --Reddit "ProgrammerHumor" When I worked for an MSP, I was "the guy" they sent on-site when you could no longer see the fan under the amount of sh*t. --Reddit, 23 Jan 2023 Comment: I take pills for being omnipotent. My wife thinks I perform much better now. Reply: I know you're waiting for someone to correct you, but I'm leaving you hanging, just like your wife. --Reddit helpdesk discussion, 27 Jan 2023 I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve. --Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, after orchestrating the 7 Dec 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor Q: What's the difference between a geek and a dork? A: A geek wonders what sex is like in zero-G. A dork wonders what sex is like. Chicago-area school employee charged with stealing $1.5M worth of food, mostly chicken wings --weird "Washington Times" headline, 31 Jan 2023 Tight end Jared Cook says he found chicken head in order of wings --really creepy "Washington Times" headline, 7 Oct 2016 Erso: You're confusing peace with terror. Krennic: Well, you've got to start somewhere --Star Wars: Rogue One Gerrera: You can stand to see the Imperial Flag reign across the galaxy? Jyn: It's not a problem if you don't look up. --Star Wars: Rogue One Addiction is giving up everything for one thing, sobriety is giving up one thing for everything. --seen on Reddit Beware the barrenness of a busy life. --Socrates We do not do it because it's easy. We do it because we thought it would be easy. --sysadmin quote on Reddit Never spend 5 hours on a manual task that you could spend 5 days failing to automate. --sysadmin quote on Reddit IT is the opposite of insurance. Everyone pays for insurance and hopes they never use it. Nobody likes paying for IT, but they use it daily. --sysadmin quote Comment: Should've unplugged everything at the switch. Reply: Should've unplugged the employee, sounds like they were already a vegetable. --Reddit discussion about moron using an infected PC after being specifically told not to Q: How many pieces of toast can you make with a bolt of lightning? A: The average lightning bolt has about 5 billion joules, which can run a 1000-watt 2-slice toaster for 84,000 minutes. This is enough to toast about 100,000 slices of bread. --Weather Channel, 5 Nov 2017 "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request." --how to say FOAD in business casual language Their support sucks dick for gas money, and then rides their bike. --Reddit review of Roxio, 24 Feb 2023 The people who want your silence don't want it because you're talking nonsense. They want your silence to the degree that you're effective at telling the truths they hate. She couldn't understand a vocation. Some people can't -- at best, work's about status and paychecks for them, it hasn't got value in itself. --"Silkworm" (Cormoran Strike #2) I wanted to be a lawyer, but I cry every time I get into an argument. --my buddy Evelyn, 15 Mar 2023 Caterpillars grow a second head, then discard the first. Some shed their skin 16 times. --Cybersecurity newsletter, 20 Mar 2023 Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. --Plato HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!! try pressing the Caps Lock key O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!! f*ck me --seen on bash.org Restaurant customer: How do you prepare the chicken? Server: We just tell them straight out they're going to die. My friend told me she wouldn't eat beef tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. So I gave her an egg. I am eternally grapefruit for autocorrect. How is a woman's anger like the "check engine" light in your car? You never know why it came on, just ignore it and hope it goes away. If you're from Boston, losing your khakis means you can't start your car. IT job satisfaction survey: Beats digging holes for a living. Reply: Can confirm. Recently dug a hole. --seen on Reddit If I were asked where I place the American aristocracy, I should reply without hesitation that it is not among the rich, who are united by no common tie, but that it occupies the judicial bench and the bar. --Alexis de Tocqueville If you told us that perjury should go unpunished because it was "just about sex," you should sit out the "nobody is above the law" argument. --National Review, 3 Apr 2023 Reject - 5.7.4 Sender has failed craniorectal positioning checks. --mail status code I wish existed Dung beetle walks into a bar and says "is this stool taken?" --unknown Sister: What's tenure? Dad: It means that in order to fire me, they'd have to find me in bed with a freshman and a goat. Sister: Oh Dad, they'd never find you in bed with a freshman. --unknown I remember when rocks were soft. --reply #1 when someone says I'm older than dirt I remember when there were only 4 planets. --reply #2 when someone says I'm older than dirt I remember when dirt had that new car smell. --reply #3 when someone says I'm older than dirt I remember when the caves finally got electricity. --reply #4 when someone says I'm older than dirt I remember when the Great Lakes were just okay. --reply #5 when someone says I'm older than dirt I still have a full deck. I just shuffle slower. --reply #6 when someone says I'm older than dirt I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I stay away from the curb on trash day. --reply #7 when someone says I'm older than dirt I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. --reply #8 when someone says I'm older than dirt I was talkin' to God the other day. Nice kid. --George Burns He has a reputation for promising the moon and delivering kickballs dipped in glow-in-the-dark paint and glitter. --bad sales description on Reddit I'm not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep. --seen on t-shirt It is the people, and not the judges, who are entitled to say what their Constitution means, for the Constitution is theirs, it belongs to them and not to their servants in office -- any other theory is incompatible with the foundation principles of our government. --Teddy Roosevelt, 1912 If you feel useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban. I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Me, sobbing: "I can't see you again. I'm not going to let you hurt me any more!" My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up." My mind is like my browser: 19 open tabs, three of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. RSVPing "Maybe next time" to a wedding invitation is considered rude. --Martha Stewart's "Manners for Morons" Question: As a sysadmin, what's your favorite tool? Answer: Debbie from finance. She opens the dumbest tickets but her cookies are awesome. --seen on reddit, 5 May 2023 The tree remembers, the axe forgets. Why do people say, "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding. --attributed to Betty White I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet. --bumper sticker After 25+ years in IT I've learned that no one knows everything. Except for Brian but I think he's a Cylon. --seen on Reddit Q: Have you heard the phrase "Safety regulations are written in blood"? A: Lost my ear due to a chainsaw incident, haven't heard anything since. I dropped philosophy because the professors were all bores and theology because the professors were all nuts. --Declan Leary, 4 Mar 2023 I created one that monitors my DHCP server logs and alerts me when my girlfriend's phone joins the network. I have successfully automated NOT getting caught flogging the bishop. --Reddit answer to "Has anyone created their own daemon?" A: She's a mood hoover! B: Mood Hoover? A: People who bring everyone else's mood down. --seen on Reddit Bar named "The Wrong Number" opened with telemarketer settlement money --ABC45 news headline, 28 Sep 2022 We can get stupid, but I've got a lot more experience than you. --Army Platoon Sgt. Driving a school bus is probably one of the most effective forms of birth control, second only to Danny Bonaduce. --seen on Reddit Stories I've heard involving Everclear usually ended with someone waking up on a stranger's lawn. --seen on Reddit He had to wear a diaper for two reasons - number one and number two. He wanted diapers that he wouldn't have to change very often. The package promised, "Good for up to 15 pounds". We overestimate the impact of technology in the short term and underestimate the effect over the long run. --Amara's Law He had this attitude of being superior despite having the personality of mosquito larvae. --coworker evaluation seen on Reddit Him: How's your day going, Doll? Her: Not too bad, Action Figure. --snappy response to stupid guy Please rise. Now sit on it. --Judge Arthur Fonzarelli Doctors Forced To Remove Patient's Brain Implant After The Maker Went Bust --IFL Science headline, 6 Jun 2023 The difficulty with leaving my crazy girlfriend was that she f*cked like a crazy girlfriend. --seen on Reddit, 16 Jun 2023 Some motherf*ckers are always trying to ice skate uphill. --Blade (1998) Submarine missing near Titanic used a $30 Logitech gamepad for steering --ArsTechnica headline, 20 Jun 2023 Does the bra incorporate any anti-motorboating technology? --Reddit comment about the Army Tactical Brassiere, 24 Jun 2023 Unless they're designed to fire ammo like the one the Fembots wore in "Austin Powers", I don't see the point. --A friend's comment about the Army Tactical Brassiere, 24 Jun 2023 Sensor light: only works when someone walks past. --"Lazy IT guy" names Lantern: not very bright, needs to be carried. --"Lazy IT guy" names Blister: shows up AFTER the hard work's done. --"Lazy IT guy" names Wheelbarrow: only works when pushed. --"Lazy IT guy" names Nickname for cocaine: "booger sugar" --seen on Reddit Unless I'm sitting on your face, my weight is not your problem. --Reddit response to diet suggestion Tent poles are not for pole dancing. Please find alternative ways to disappoint your father. --seen on boredpanda.com The formal medical term used to describe the act of picking one's nose is "rhinotillexomania". --2015 BBC article: "Why do we pick our nose?" Two people reported so much nose picking that they had actually picked a hole right through their nasal septum, the thin tissue that separates the left and right nostrils. --2015 BBC article: "Why do we pick our nose?" The KPI isn't there for you to get a bonus, it's to give the C levels a reason to deny you the bonus while giving themselves larger ones. --Reddit While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing "Sarah Lawrence" songs acapella, I was getting root access to NSA servers. --Reddit sysadmin reply to "What do you even do here?" If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable. --Louis D. Brandeis Defendant: I crimped off a line into his steaming batts, your honour. Judge: Can someone translate? --episode of "Morse" Chicago sunroof: the act of taking a dump in someone's open sunroof. --things I learned on Reddit And when he gets to Heaven, St. Peter he will tell: "A Sysadmin reporting, Sir. I've served my time in hell." --sysadmin prayer for the dead Never let anyone shenan -- if they shenan once, they're gonna shenanigan. --Reddit advice Upper-decker: taking a dump in the toilet tank instead of the bowl. (occasionally referred to as "Top Shelf") This is the dumbest idea I have ever heard, and I own crypto. --seen on Reddit, 27 Jul 2023 There's no kill like overkill. --Reddit post about using .45 ACP rounds to dispose of old disk drives Comment: Be careful of the toes you step on while climbing the ladder, they may be attached to the ass you have to kiss one day. Reply: Today I learned some people have toes attached to their asses. --seen on Reddit We build our computers the way we build our cities - over time, without a plan, on top of ruins. --Ellen Ullman, "Life in Code" Add hidden meanings and messages: "Very good with Word and Reads very well" --job recommendation advice on Reddit, 3 Aug 2023 Like sex, the electric guitar is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much. --The League Against Tedium Q: When's the last time you had a week's vacation? A: Had a what? That looks like English letters, but the sequence is unfamiliar to me. --Reddit sysadmin post, 8 Aug 2023 Hey, buddy, I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap. --Sue Sylvester, "Glee" Sometimes the grass is actually greener on the other side, but it's usually just grass. --Reddit sysadmin comment, 12 Aug 2023 Jean Patou, the fashion designer from the 20s, once said: "Never make an ugly dress, someone might buy it." --Karl Lagerfeld Comment: The trick is to do it surreptitiously. Reply: I didn't have any syrup on hand. --Reddit, 17 Aug 2023 You're about three brain cells away from being on a ventilator. You should protect them at all cost. --reply to statement that "Reparations come from the government, not your wallet." The more the plans failed, the more the planners planned. --Ronald Reagan Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the double lock will keep. May no brick through the window break, and no one rob me till I wake. --debian-user mailing list, 26 Aug 2023 Biden lecturing us about the "injustice of privilege" is like Alec Baldwin lecturing us about gun safety. --Senator John Kennedy (R-LA), 26 Aug 2023 It's "if you could bottle essence of warcrimes, get kicked in the groin, and sell it to people as a drink" bad. --Reddit review of Burnett's vodka, 27 Aug 2023 It tastes like someone brewed toilet wine in the swamps of Dagobah. --Reddit review of Burnett's vodka, 27 Aug 2023 Comment: One of my friends drank half a bottle of rum and refilled it with a bodily fluid of similar color. Reply: Your friend should see a doctor and drink more water. --seen on Reddit, 27 Aug 2023 Why Does Defrosted Milk Look Like Spit-Up? --American Council on Science and Health article, Jan 2021 German: "Er hat da geparkt, wo ihm die Karre vom Arsch gefallen ist." English: "He parked where the car fell off his ass." --Reddit comment about stupid/illegal parking Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "Good news, please." Doctor: "They're naming a disease after you." --Hotair.com 10 Sep 2023 Lori Lightfoot To Teach Class At Harvard On How To Fail Utterly At Your Job And Still Get To Teach Class At Harvard --Babylon Bee, 8 Sep 2023 Woman Driving Alone In Carpool Lane Claims Preferred Pronoun Is 'They' --Babylon Bee, 31 Aug 2023 If we were to go into a war, I'm prime-age to be drafted and I don't want [Biden] checking his watch while they're burying me. --Jahmiel Jackson, Dem voter, 15 Sep 2023 I intend to live forever, or die trying. --Groucho Marx If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have 2 dollars and a lot of counterfeit money. --Western Standard News, 26 Sep 2023 A schizophrenia patient who held her Siamese cat at knife-point inside an Oregon Grocery store was shot and killed by police when she raised the knife and lunged at them. --AP Wire Service, DDN 23 Aug 1994 To err is human, but to persist in error is diabolical. --Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BCE - 65 CE) If purchasing isn't ownership, piracy isn't stealing. "Talcum X" --nickname for leftie activist Shaun King "Martin Luther Cream" --nickname for leftie activist Shaun King People don't cut off the heads of civilians because they feel "oppressed" and are seeking "justice". They do this because they are barbaric. --Andrea E. in response to Hamas video, 21 Oct 2023 AWFL -- Affluent White Female Liberal --seen on Twitchy, 21 Oct 2023 When you walk into a room and say "I'm here to fix the computer", you do in fact fix the computer. --downside of working IT at a porn site Information is more dangerous than cannon to a society ruled by lies. --James M Dakin You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance. --Chandler to Joey ("Friends") for saying something mindless Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich. Chandler: Well, what did the POLICE say? --seen on "Friends" Came out to my cheating boyfriend by sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. --seen on Reddit pettyrevenge, 31 Oct 2023 South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley might become former President Donald Trump's "biggest rival" in the 2024 GOP presidential primary, which is a bit like being the world's fastest snail. --"Reason", 2 Nov 2023 James Bond is the guy who screws the bad guy's wife. When the bad guy comes in and finds Bond screwing his wife, Bond decapitates the bad guy with a machete, says something like: "Don't go losing your head," drinks a martini, and finishes screwing. --@DanFriedman81 23 Sep 2022 When you have a bad guy who has a whole evil factory, James Bond shows up and kills every single person who works in the factory, including the receptionist and the janitor, and when he shoots people, he shoots them so hard they go flying through the air. And when Bond kills the janitor in the evil factory, he looks at the brains splattered all over the wall, shakes his head, and says: "Ooh, now who's going to clean that up?" --@DanFriedman81 23 Sep 2022 Drunk Grizzlies Keep Getting Hit By Trains In Montana --"Cowboy State Daily" headline, 4 Nov 2023 Sending the random gay guy we pay to stare at our trains as they blow up on the tracks to meet with Zelensky seems more insulting than sending no one at all. --Twitter answer to Pete Buttigieg visiting Kyiv, 11/9/2023 Your ego is now too big to let you fit through the door to leave. --seen on Reddit 30 Oct 2023 Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one. --Charles Mackay, 1812-89 It's like 1TB of spaghetti java code constantly trying to divide by zero and hissing and steaming like Captain Kirk just asked an Android an illogical question. --ServiceNow review on Reddit, 10 Nov 2023 MMA fighter Joel "King Bau" Bauman walked into the arena wearing a shirt that reads "Trump was indicted before anyone on Epstein's client list". --@CitizenFreePres, 11 Nov 2023 Kathleen Kennedy: "Put a chick in it and make it lame and gay." --"South Park" commentary about Disney MCU leadership How Trump's rhetoric compares with Hitler's --Washington Post headline, 13 Nov 2023 Historic All-Female Space Walk Crew Accidentally Drops Tool Bag Into Orbit --PJ Media headline, 14 Nov 2023 Further analysis revealed that said AI: 1) has the potential to destroy humanity 2) still hasn't quite nailed PDF-to-Excel table conversions --response to OpenAI rumors, 22 Nov 2023 Keep your booger hook off the bang button. --Firearms safety instructor on Reddit, 30 Nov 2023 Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum --New York Post, 28 Nov 2023 He must be an assassin. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #1 That's gonna cause a hemorrhoid. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #2 This too shall pass. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #3 Constipational carry. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #4 America's got talent. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #5 Props on 100% commitment. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #6 "Stay strapped or get clapped" has reached a new level. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #7 Advanced concealed carry. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #8 If you can get a handgun in there, charges should be dismissed. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #9 Rectum? Coulda killed 'em! --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #10 Never has the term "packing heat" been so accurate. --NY Post 28 Nov "Suspect found hiding handgun in his rectum" comment #11 Anuses are like martinis. Some like 'em dry and some don't. --ACSH dispatch, 4 Dec 2023 Hillary's campaign couldn't sell p*ssy on a troop train. --Bill Clinton, fall 2016 "All Rise" --Film title #1 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Boner of Contention" --Film title #2 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Cabinet Member" --Film title #3 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Congressional Probe" --Film title #4 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Erected To Serve" --Film title #5 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Ferris Bueller's Gay Boff" --Film title #6 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Fill It Buster" --Film title #7 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Howard's End" --Film title #8 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Motion to Table" --Film title #9 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "My Bootyguard" --Film title #10 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Packing the Court" --Film title #11 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Pork Barrel" --Film title #12 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Pull My Fire Alarm" --Film title #13 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Rear Marked" --Film title #14 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Running Mates" --Film title #15 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Schlong March Through the Institutions" --Film title #16 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "The Balls of Power" --Film title #17 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "The Brown Ayes Have It" --Film title #18 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "The Peter Principle" --Film title #19 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Vice and Consent" --Film title #20 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Where's My Hole Punch?" --Film title #21 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "Will You Take My Pole?" --Film title #22 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing "William Howard Shaft" --Film title #23 for Senate staffer who recorded himself boffing Comment: In the datacenter nobody can hear you scream. Reply: The fans are already screaming all the time, I simply join them. --"Reddit" sysadmin list, 18 Dec 2023 I'm not a proctologist but I learned how to wipe my own ass. --Reddit reply to "I'm not a tech person", 6 Jan 2024 I'm no plumber but I can operate a sink. --Reddit reply to "I'm not a tech person", 6 Jan 2024 In the 90's being computer illiterate was cute and old fashioned. Now you're just illiterate, and it's not like you haven't had time. --Reddit reply to "I'm not a tech person", 6 Jan 2024 DeSantis has the unique ability to make people who were probably not at all rational to begin with absolutely spin out and lose what is left of their minds. --seen on twitchy.com 11 Jan 2024 The only thing that can make the Pit stronger is if it eats Taylor Swift. --Andrew Gruttadaro, on the construction pit near Bills Highmark Stadium VIDEO: Man rides horse into Whataburger in Victoria --NBC San Antonio, 8 Aug 2017 Her: I'm a ghost writer. Me, trying not to look scared: When did you die? --hotair.com Me: It's not how often you fall. It's how often you get back up. Officer: Sir, that's not how field sobriety tests work. --hotair.com Court Orders Texas Razor Wire Moved To Ukraine Border --The Babylon Bee, 27 Jan 2024 Oakland In-N-Out Relocating To Safer Location In Gaza --The Babylon Bee, 27 Jan 2024 Texas Finds Loophole With New 'Super Ouchy Pokey Wire' --The Babylon Bee, 26 Jan 2024 "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." --What Taylor Swift whispered to Travis Kelce, 30 Jan 2024 "I have been trying to reach you about your car warranty." --What Taylor Swift whispered to Travis Kelce, 30 Jan 2024 "Epstein didn't kill himself." --What Taylor Swift whispered to Travis Kelce, 30 Jan 2024 "You're the only straight male who has listened to my music." --What Taylor Swift whispered to Travis Kelce, 30 Jan 2024 Considering the gene pool, they're perfect gentlemen. --Pamela Anderson on her sons with Tommy Lee, 12 Feb 2024 Oral Arguments Postponed As Justice Sotomayor Gets Gavel Stuck Up Her Nose Again --The Babylon Bee, 8 Feb 2024 There doesn't seem to be enough Adderall in the world to get Biden through more than 45 seconds before he goes into full Max Headroom glitch mode. --Stephen Kruiser, 9 Feb 2024 Why Is Your Underwear Yellow in Front and Brown in Back? Chemistry Lesson From the Bowels of Hell --ACSH article, 7 Feb 2024 If an injury must be done to a man, it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. --Machiavelli Waymo recalls software after two self-driving cars hit the same truck --CNN headline, 14 Feb 2024 I felt a great disturbance in the force, like a thousand IT managers cried out "OH REALLY" and were suddenly silenced (by Gartner). --reddit response to VMware buzzword salad, 16 Feb 2024 You're the mucus that lives in the scum on the bottom of a pond. --"Cheaters", 9 Nov 2005 It's like sex. You can't wait to get in, but six weeks later you wish you'd never come. --Law school bathroom graffiti I think the Biden White House would lower the average IQ of an entire city. --Senator John Kennedy, 14 Mar 2024 Dibs on your parking space. --Sen. John Fetterman response to Sen. Bob Menendez not seeking reelection Washington's view of tech: a bunch of lucky idiots with too much wealth and power, all of which the swamp creatures want. --Pirate Wires' Mike Solana America cannot be content with conditions that fit only the hero, the martyr or the slave. --Louis Brandeis, 1914 CAPRICORN: The stars say you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never leave my house again. --Weird Al Don't Believe What They're Telling You About Misinformation --New Yorker headline, 15 Apr 2024 People Angry About Low WNBA Salaries Prepared To Do Anything Except Watch WNBA --The Babylon Bee, April 21, 2024 House Republicans Demand New Speaker Who Will Be Equally Worthless But Maybe With Different Hair Or A Cool Mustache Or Something --The Babylon Bee, April 21, 2024 Oops: Columbia University President Accidentally Gives Nazi Salute When Being Sworn In For Congressional Testimony --The Babylon Bee, April 20, 2024 Biden Claims His Uncle's Heart Was Ripped Out During Human Sacrifice Ritual In India --The Babylon Bee, April 20, 2024 Judge Warns Trump Criminal Trial May Last Until, Say, November 6 --The Babylon Bee, April 20, 2024 To Combat Transwoman Dominance Of Women's Sports, Olympics Adds Competitive Child Birthing --The Babylon Bee, April 20, 2024 NPR Says They Always Strive To Feature A Broad Range Of Opinions From Slightly Communist To Very Communist --The Babylon Bee, April 18, 2024 Flight Attendant On A Boeing Gives Presentation On What To Do In The Unlikely Event Of A Safe Landing --The Babylon Bee, April 18, 2024 What did the drummer name his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2. --Dad joke Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan. --Dad joke Did you hear about the kidnapping on the street? It's fine, he woke up. --Dad joke I told my doctor that all I could hear was buzzing. He said don't worry, it's just a bug going around. --Dad joke DEI: Didn't Earn It DEI: Disastrous Employment Idea Q: "What's your current assessment of the risk to the US milk and meat supply from the bird flu epidemic in cattle?" KARINE JEAN-PIERRE (struggling): "I don't consume any meat." --May 1, 2024 Comment: Still high on amazon Reply: Stop smoking it then --Reddit discussion on drive prices, 1 May 2024 Functional Information Services Technicians --proposed name for IT Support Hub for Information Technology Services --proposed name for IT Computer Usage and Network Technology Specialists --proposed name for IT Fully Unified Computer Knowledge Services --proposed name for IT Q: What was the last thing to go thru Raisi's mind? A: The tail rotor. --Celebrating "The Butcher" Raisi's helicopter crash 4/20/2024 Q: Did you know Raisi was on the radio today? A: Also the instrument panel and the windshield. --Celebrating "The Butcher" Raisi's helicopter crash 4/20/2024 BREAKING: Iran releases transcript of cockpit recordings: Pilot: We might have to try an emergency landing on the mountain Copilot: On the mountain?! What is it?? Pilot: It's a land mass that projects conspicuously above its surroundings but that's not important right now --Celebrating "The Butcher" Raisi's helicopter crash 4/20/2024 ETHNIC ORIGIN ALERT: Biden ditches the Puerto Rican, Greek and Irish communities, now claims to come from the Jewish community. --Jorge Bonilla (@BonillaJL) May 20, 2024 Please show President Biden some respect during this difficult time. His son Beau was recently killed in a helicopter crash. --Celebrating "The Butcher" Raisi's helicopter crash 4/20/2024 You can't get a leopard to change his spots. You can explain it carefully to the leopard, but it will just sit there lookng at you, knowing that you are made of meat. After a while it will perhaps kill you. --Geoffrey Pullum, Language Log (2007-01-04) You have got to be out of your motherf**king mind if you think I want any smoke with that fanbase. --Machine Gun Kelly on being dared to say three mean things about Taylor Swift, 20 May 2024 Comment: I use a screwdriver a lot Reply: I'm all out of orange juice. Will straight vodka work? --Reddit "What tool helped you as an early sysadmin?" I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one. --seen in Ascension cyberattack discussion, 30 May 2024 My sympathy for your plight is directly proportional to your ability to accept reality. --seen 27 Jul 2020 Notice how we didn't burn down any cities last night because we didn't like an outcome? Instead we raised the man $52.8 million in 24 hours. We are not the same. --@SarahisCensored, 1 June 2024 Treat your mom to a margarita. You're probably the reason she drinks. --sign on "El Arroyo" restaurant in Texas Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers. --sign on Carroll County Vet Clinic A mob with torches and pitchforks approaches the castle. "Sire, the peasants are revolting!" "Yeah, they sure are disgusting." --unknown That's nice and all, but why use a horse for the cover photo? --X comment on Hillary Clinton's new book, 25 Jun 2024 Q: Why do black holes never learn? A: Because they're too dense. --dopey astronomy joke He wanted to see My hard drive but I only Had floppy in hand --pervy IT haiku Debugging: when you're the detective, the victim, and the criminal. --seen on Reddit, 11 Jul 2024 Microsoft supplies the shotgun. It's the vendor's responsibility to point it away from themselves. --seen on "Hacker News", 20 Jul 2024 LIBRA: A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. --Weird Al LIBRA: Laughter is the very best medicine; remember that when your appendix bursts next week. --Weird Al SCORPIO: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. --Weird Al Ismail Haniyeh's pronouns have been permanently changed to "was" and "were". --Redstate article about death of Hamas leader, 1 Aug 2024 Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do. --Robert B. Goodman, who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10 First, Do No Harm. Always do harm second, after the user has proven that they've earned it. --seen on Reddit We'll go down in history as the first society that wouldn't save itself because it wasn't cost-effective. --Kurt Vonnegut It's a bit like watching a car crash in slow motion, but with more DNS errors. --ChatGPT roasting r/sysadmin, 12 Sep 2024 As long as you do a 2-minute Google search before you ask a question, you'll graduate from monkey to macaque. --Reddit advice, 13 Sep 2024 Comment: Don't put on the BOFH hat immediately. Reply: De-powers electrified doorhandle. --Reddit advice, 13 Sep 2024 Comment: Don't put on the BOFH hat immediately. Reply: Puts floor panels back in the elevator. --Reddit advice, 13 Sep 2024 A cartoon butt clenching a bar of soap has invaded my online ads --Ars Technica headline, Nate Anderson, 13 Sep 2024 Question: Do you always wear black? Answer: No, earlier in the day I was wearing grey, but it clashed with the rain so I went home and changed. --Leonard Cohen Curiosity and fart jokes help explain why "Volcanoes are Hot" --"Popular Science", 17 Sep 2024 Biden Promises Next Trump Assassin Will Be A Woman Of Color --Babylon Bee, 22 Sep 2024 Hillary Clinton Says First Amendment Is Russian Disinformation --Babylon Bee, 21 Sep 2024 'I Was Born Into A Middle Class Family,' Explains Wife When Husband Asks Why The Car Is On Fire --Babylon Bee, 21 Sep 2024 Democrats Accuse Trump Of Inciting Further Violence By Not Dying --Babylon Bee, 21 Sep 2024 Manhunt Underway After Lubed-Up Diddy Slips Out From Between Prison Bars --Babylon Bee, 20 Sep 2024 Gavin Newsom Named U-Haul Salesperson Of The Year --Babylon Bee, 20 Sep 2024 Media Worried That Constant Trump Assassination Attempts Might Distract From Plight Of Illegal Immigrants --Babylon Bee, 19 Sep 2024 Trump Dodges Falling Piano, Swinging Death Blade, Spiked Pitfall Trap On Way To Rally --Babylon Bee, 18 Sep 2024 Kamala told people how great the Book of "Ecclesiastics" is. That's the one where Shlomo Hamelech (King Solomon) set out his exercise routine. --seen on "Twitchy.com", 25 Sep 2024 We have to guard that spirit. Let it always inspire us. Let it always be the source of our optimism, which is that spirit which is so uniquely American. And let that then inspire us by helping us to be inspired to help solve the problems. --Kamala Harris, 25 Sep 2024 Why you should always wear clean underwear #1: The paramedic should be impressed by your head wound, not your skid-marks. Why you should always wear clean underwear #2: ER doctors don't need to know you had corn for dinner last night. In [the movie] "Seven", I put it in my contract: The wife's head stays in the box. --Brad Pitt on early contract negotiations I love that chart. I love that graph. --Donald Trump about the chart that saved his life in Butler, PA The risk profile of speedballing hard drugs while simultaneously free-climbing El Capitan. --Combining unrelated development stacks, "Hacker News", 6 Oct 2024 To my Democratic friends: maybe you should consider swapping Kamala Harris for Joe Biden. --JD Vance, 16 Oct 2024, after Kamala's train-wreck Fox interview The past was erased, the erasure was forgotten, the lie became truth. --George Orwell The poor have sometimes objected to being governed badly. The rich have always objected to being governed at all. --Gilbert K. Chesterton. Some of the members of that group only believe in law and order when they can make the law and give the order. --Congressman Wright Patman, about those resisting the New Deal My 4-year-old will come and say, "Daddy, I'm a dinosaur". I'm going to take him to the dinosaur transition clinic and put scales on him? --JD Vance on Joe Rogan, 30 Oct 2024 Q: Hey, what does that there "run.sh" do? A: It says "shhhhhhh" --helpful reddit answer, 2 Nov 2024 She ran the whole gamut of emotions, from A to B. --Dorothy Parker's review of Katherine Hepburn You can lead a 'horticulture', but you can't make her think. --Dorothy Parker, challenged to make a pun using "horticulture" CEO assistant: "please reset CEO's password, he's too drunk to remember it." --Reddit "unusual IT support tickets", 5 Nov 2024 There is a dead deer behind the parking garage. --Reddit "unusual IT support tickets", 5 Nov 2024 Please whitelist *.playboy.com because one of the law firm partners who signs the paychecks "likes to read the articles". --Reddit "unusual IT support tickets", 5 Nov 2024 There's no point in saying "good morning," because it certainly is not one. -- Nancy Pelosi on behalf of Democrats, 6 Nov 2024 Bill Clinton's erection flew at half-mast. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #1 Doug Enhoff started hitting on the *ugly* nannies. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #2 Ilhan Omar told her brother "Not tonight, I have a headache" --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #3 Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows moved. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #4 Hilary considered killing *herself*. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #5 Barack Obama's moving back to Kenya. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #6 Michelle Obama's going to change her name back to Mike. --Greg Gutfeld's "How sad were the Libs on Election Night?" #7 Al Sharpton whining about racial bias is like the Menendez brothers whining about being orphans. --Greg Gutfeld Kamala got shellacked like a wooden floor on "This Old House". --Greg Gutfeld, 6 Nov 2024 The polls were as accurate as Stevie Wonder playing Jenga. --Greg Gutfeld, 6 Nov 2024 The landslide was bigger than "The View" cast on a snowboarding trip. --Greg Gutfeld, 6 Nov 2024 We're finally unburdened by what has been. --Greg Gutfeld, 6 Nov 2024 Donald Trump really does beat women. --Greg Gutfeld, 6 Nov 2024 Q: Can the anti-Trump white women all get a tattoo so we are easily identifiable? --Jess Piper (@piper4missouri) November 7, 2024 A: You want to tattoo your political opponents? How many books would you say you've read? -- Charles Cooke (@charlescwcooke) November 7, 2024 LEO: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face. --Weird Al's horoscope I saw a job demanding mental tests and asking things like "do plants talk". My rosebush told me to nope out of that one. --Reddit, 15 Nov 2024 COMMENT: That's an amazing deal, would snap it up if I had the money. REPLY: You can eat next month. --Reddit on buying storage, 21 Nov 2024 I'm not throwing them an unlimited number of life preservers because I just have to throw it farther every time. --Reddit sysadmin, 25 Nov 2024 I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. --Robin Williams Comment on live-action "Snow White" preview: "If I were watching this on a plane, I'd still walk out." Q: What's a good Christmas gift for a sysadmin? A1: Bourbon and a no-contact week. A2: A goat farm or cyanide capsule. --seen on Reddit, 8 Dec 2024 I once had a local high school robo-call me repeatedly with incoming freshman orientation info. I was about 30 years old, and they wouldn't fix their system until I threatened to show up for class and cause a stranger-danger incident. --seen on Reddit, 13 Dec 2024 "Whacked Out Sports" why you might need medical attention #1: Your bike crossed the finish line but your spleen didn't. "Whacked Out Sports" why you might need medical attention #2: You've had more concussions than birthdays. "Whacked Out Sports" why you might need medical attention #3: You can't get the taste of brain out of your mouth. Poopscrolling: using your time on the porcelain throne to purge and cull photos rather than doomscrolling Reddit or playing solitaire. --Reddit data-management advice, 14 Dec 2024 May someone replace your printer's standard ink with a foul, vengeful tar made from discarded Waffle House cooking oil. --James Mickens The CIO at a major healthcare facility I was at proudly told us that CIO stands for "Can't Install Office". --seen on Reddit, 31 Dec 2024 Bumper sticker: Joe Biden is just Hillary Clinton with a smaller dick. Jack Daniels and a hammer. --Reddit answer to "What sysadmin tools do you use most often?" Shizo Kanakuri fainted during a 1912 Olympic race, disappeared, and returned 54 years, eight months, six days, five hours, four minutes, and 32 seconds later to cross the finish line. --item for a lull in conversation COMMENT: Remember kids, it's Layer 8 when people are the problem, and Layer 0 when it wasn't plugged into the wall socket. REPLY: Why do you plug people into the wall sockets? --seen on Reddit What a heavy load Einstein must've had. Fuckin' morons, everywhere. --David Lynch If you don't want the NSA to know you like to do headstands, don't go to a public place in front of their office to do one. --Security advice on Debian user's list, 25 Jan 2025 I don't entertain ideas; sometimes I simply bore them. --unknown The jerk store called, and they're running out of you. --seen on Reddit, 8 Feb 2025 As always, the public is beginning to understand the need for reform after the same public has been fleeced out of millions of dollars. --Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1932 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx Burning in woman's legs turned out to be slug parasites migrating to her brain --"Ars Technica" headline, 13 Feb 2025 Kentucky bourbon bottles signed by the pope raise thousands for charity --unusual Associated Press headline, 16 Feb 2025 Engineers turn the body's goo into new glue --MIT News article about mucus, 17 Feb 2025 I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times. --Bruce Lee IT is like your guard dog. You wants us around at 3:00am when something goes bump in the night, but the rest of the time you're afraid we'll lick our nuts in front of the guests. --seen on Reddit, 9 Mar 2025 Why would anybody find a colonoscopy scary? Just geek out and enjoy the guided tour! --James Lampert, debian-user list, 13 Mar 2025 Come to the dark side. Microsoft has cookies! --seen on Reddit Any drug that makes you not care about having 5 feet of tubing up your nether region must be pretty good. --Charlie Gibbs, debian-user list, 14 Mar 2025 Same sh*t, different laxative. --IT description on Reddit, 18 Mar 2025 University helpdesk had slightly less noise, but more objectionable smells. --Going from University to manufacturing IT, 27 Mar 2025 I lost my grip on a server and twisted my arm. My shoulder friggin hurts. Reply: Have you tried turning your shoulder off and on again? --Reddit I Left My Spleen in San Francisco --"Whacked Out Sports" love songs #5 Your Bodycast is a Wonderland --"Whacked Out Sports" love songs #4 First Time Ever I Hit Your Face --"Whacked Out Sports" love songs #3 I Second That Concussion --"Whacked Out Sports" love songs #2 I've Got You Under My Skin Graft --"Whacked Out Sports" love songs #1 Comment: Managers like empty buzzwords and platitudes. Reply: I like platypuses, they're like ducks and seals and have webbed arms. --seen on Reddit, 19 Apr 2025 I didn't realize how exhausting it is to have fake sex. --Sam Nivola, on filming a threesome scene in "White Lotus" Kindness, respect, decency, bad taste in television. --Pedro Pascal, on what he's looking for in a partner We are going to put the "ass" in astronaut. --Katy Perry, on joining the all-female Blue Origin space flight Fingers wrinkle the same way every time they're in the water too long. --Binghampton University article, 7 May 2025 Stopping Microsoft from stuffing Copilot into everything is like trying to stop nightfall with a flashlight and pure denial. --Reddit, 14 May 2025 The most terrifying moment of my life was while filming "Do Not Attempt" when I sat in a room with a conservationist named Neville and six black mambas in South Africa. --David Blaine, "Us Magazine", 5 May 2025 Is it possible to die of horniness? Asking for a friend. --Kacey Musgraves, "Us Magazine", 5 May 2025 Lobster-ware: software that came from a deal over surf and turf paid for by a sales expense account. --Reddit, 16 May 2025 If you're running out of memory, you can buy more. If you're running out of time, you're screwed. --Perl "Camel" book Q: Damn I wish I had that variant of autism... do you want to trade? A: Happily, I'll throw in the Tourettes Syndrome for free. --Reddit "file organization" discussion, 29 May 2025 U.S. Woman Dies From Mad Cow-Like Brain Disease That Lay Dormant for 50 Years --Gizmodo headline, 16 May 2025 Cockatoos have learned to operate drinking fountains in Australia --"Science" magazine, 3 June 2025 Google: "What if we charged like Microsoft but offered fewer tools and worse support?" Reply: "Bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off." --Reddit Don't throw your matchsticks in the urinal -- little baztards are learning to pole vault. --Reddit comment about getting the crabs Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait --"The Onion" headline, 27 June 2025 I found a bacteria-eating virus in my loo: could it save your life? --BBC Headline, 27 June 2025 Running on coffee and spite, supplies getting low. --Project status seen on Reddit, 2 Jul 2025 It's hard enough dragging the horse to water, but you absolutely will not get him to use the well pump. Pump the water yourself and stop trying to teach the horse anything. --Automation response on Reddit, 4 Jul 2025 Killer whales groom each other with pieces of kelp --Odd science.org headline, 23 Jun 2025 The stupid person, in contrast to the malicious one, is utterly self-satisfied and, being easily irritated, becomes dangerous by going on the attack. --Dietrich Bonhoeffer I present the group of morons who shot themselves in the foot and then sued the gunmaker. --Reddit security comment, 23 Jul 2025 Happy Sysadmin day. My dog took a shit in my bedroom this morning to celebrate. --Reddit, 25 Jul 2025 In Search of the Elusive Snake Clitoris --American Council on Science and Health article, 16 Jul 2025 The Atomic Penile Pump From Hell --American Council on Science and Health article, 13 Feb 2024 I definitely got my sex education from that show. More than enough. --Sophie Turner, discussing 10 years on "Game of Thrones" Comment: IT should run HR. Reply: I'd rather not have to attend Coldplay concerts with the CEO. --seen on Reddit, 8 Aug 2025 We are the only country in the world that waits till we get into a war before we start getting ready for it. --Will Rogers Comment: Documentation is all over the place, some is really solid, most is outdated, and the rest of it just don't exist. Reply: Yeah, that's basically everything Microsoft at this point. --Reddit description of VMWare, 9 Aug 2025 Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. --Sun Tzu, The Art of War We have given this academic title either to a fool or a genius. Time will show. --Antoni Gaudi's architecture teacher upon his graduation Boy, do my fans have to see my nipples on the day-to-day. --Millie Bobbie Brown on how she hates wearing a bra, 14 Sep 2025 That's the gayest shit I've seen in a long time. --Tan France on Meghan Markle's flower sprinkles, 14 Sep 2025 Y'all need to get out more. --Sabrina Carpenter on "Man's Best Friend" cover backlash, 14 Sep 2025 Q: how long would it take you to prepare a 15 minute talk? Hubert Humphrey (USA VP): One week. Q: how long for a two hour talk? HH: I'm ready right now. --seen on Hacker News Your devs will eventually get tired of blowing their thumbs off in front of witnesses and learn to do change control. Even better if they get to wear the pink cowboy hat for the day every time it happens. --Reddit response to devs bricking a production server A human might tear their hair out doing something in a given programming language, but LLMs have about as much hair as they do sentience. --IEEE 2025 Top Programming Languages, 23 Sep 2025 Turns out dogfooding ain't so great when the dog food is nothing but stale dry kibble. --Microsoft Support description, 29 Sep 2025 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you're missing two fingers. --Tom Lehrer I took my laptop home and plugged it into my dog and the screen didn't come on. --Reddit IT ticket typos, 1 Oct 2025 Why I should quit IT and farm goats #1: You don't have to monitor the utilization on a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #2: Milk a goat and the goat stays milked for a while. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #3: There are no 32-bit goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #4: You don't have to do a demo on a goat. And if you ever do, the goat will do what it's supposed to do and there's not a lot that can keep it from doing it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #5: When a goat goes "down", you just bury it and buy a new goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #6: Left alone, Billy goats and Nanny goats do what they're supposed to do. You don't need to format, monitor, or be on-call for them. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #7: Nobody cares if you're not a Certified Goat Engineer yet. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #8: You do not need to worry about defragmenting or compressing the goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #9: The goat does not have to be zipped, archived or converted to Goat-32. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #10: There's no need to put your goat in a little plastic baggie, unless you're making goat steak. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #11: Goats don't page you. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #12: When it comes to "software" (food), EVERYTHING is compatible with a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #13: You don't need to buy a "goat-98" to fix all the bugs in your goat-95 Why I should quit IT and farm goats #14: Macintosh goat users will not make fun of you because your goat is more problematic and complicated than the goat they just bought. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #15: Goats don't become obsolete. If they do, they make the necessary upgrades themselves as long as you didn't neuter them Why I should quit IT and farm goats #16: No commute. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #17: Goats are kind of cute. Computers aren't cute unless they're Macintoshes, and those are just plain annoying. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #18: No dress code. Of any kind. EVER. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #19: You always have the right "file permissions" to milk a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #20: If a goat gives too many timeout errors, it just means you're having goat steak for dinner. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #21: You don't need to visit "shareware.com" to get some tools to milk a goat. You either have your bucket or you don't. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #22: The bucket leaks, or it doesn't. You couldn't care less about the checksum of the bucket. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #23: You don't need to "free up some memory" before you milk a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #24: You get callouses on your hands the way God intended! Why I should quit IT and farm goats #25: You don't need to call a staff meeting to make sure everyone's milking goats the same way. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #26: Nanny goats still give milk with no TCP/IP stack loaded. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #27: Just about any barnyard animal is fault tolerant (except some cows). Why I should quit IT and farm goats #28: You don't need to sign in with the front desk if you need to milk a goat on a weekend. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #29: You don't need to worry if you've been spending a lot of time milking a "development goat". Why I should quit IT and farm goats #30: There is no such thing as a "preferred goat," and your "goat context" is always correct. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #31: Carpal tunnel is guaranteed. Don't worry about it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #32: A goat has all the "patches" it will ever need. If it doesn't it just means you're having goat steak for dinner. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #33: Goats that become full do an automatic "core dump". You just have to clean up. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #34: As long as the stable isn't on fire, goats don't care about power surges. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #35: Goats don't have to be backed up at night. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #36: Each and every one of the parts of a goat use the same interrupt, and the goat works just fine anyway. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #37: A goat farmer doesn't have to provide documentation on his goat's ablility to produce milk after the year 2038. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #38: You don't restart goats. Shutting them down is the first step in many recipes. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #39: Nobody ever needed to draft up a goat-milking requirements document. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #40: You deliver applications to goats. Goats do not deliver applications to you. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #41: A goat will do practically anything to get more comfortable. Computers have been known to display the same error message over and over again, all day, without regard to how frequently or how hard the monitor has been hit, slapped, punched or kicked. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #42: You don't have to log off of a goat and listen to some silly "Exit Goat" sound effect for the next several minutes. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #43: You won't find out from your next phone bill that you milked your goat too often for your budget. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #44: On a goat, the SYS$ERR.LOG file is ALWAYS EMPTY. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #45: Operating systems come & go, but goats will probably never be "orphaned" as they are expected to be produced by their manufacturer for quite some time to come. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #46: There are no workstation licensing issues with goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #47: You don't get in trouble for milking a goat during business hours, and nobody cares if you reformat it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #48: If it's late and you have a lot of goat-milking to do, at least you can see your kids before they have to go to bed. You can probably even make them help you milk your goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #49: You don't need 32Gb of RAM to start milking your goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #50: A stake and a rope have all the features you'll ever need for goat security. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #51: Nobody ever got a general protection fault milking a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #52: You don't need to worry about your whole goat herd locking up if you put an Ethernet goat and a Token-Ring goat together in the same stable. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #53: You don't name goats. If you do name goats, you can give two or more goats the same name and this will not interfere with your ability to access any of the goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #54: Your kids will not meet some pervert who wants to buy them a bus ticket when they play with a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #55: There is no closely-watched dispute between Microsoft and any competitor over who will dominate the goat-milking product industry. You will never be asked to check-mark a box that says, "Make this my default goat-milking bucket". Why I should quit IT and farm goats #56: You do not want, need, or desire in any way for goats to run at a higher clock speed. And they don't. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #57: You do not need to use a wrist strap to ground yourself before milking. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #58: There really aren't too many ways to improperly shut down a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #59: Surrounded by a room full of younger goat farmers, you don't need to worry about dating yourself talking about 2400-baud goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #60: If a goat fucks up, it's made into goat steaks for dinner. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #61: All you need to "uninstall" a goat is a gun or a knife. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #62: Once you've filled a bucket with goat milk, the goat can crash and it doesn't matter whether you've "saved" or not. Just don't spill it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #63: When you buy a new goat, the goat does not need to re-write registry keys on the farm that could have unforeseen effects on the other animals already residing there. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #64: There are no Easter eggs in a goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #65: Your wife will never yell at you for removing all of the RAM from her goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #66: You never need to learn Goat 2000, Goat Perfect 8, or Goat 123 Why I should quit IT and farm goats #67: You don't need a USB key to boot a Goat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #68: Goats don't need a per-bucket license. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #69: You will never spend 4 hours upgrading a goat over the wire. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #70: There is no Goat Ops. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #71: Goats don't care about upgrade procedures. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #72: Goats eat org charts. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #73: If a goat gets an uncleanable virus, you shoot it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #74: If a goat has a non-terminal virus it just does the poo-poo. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #75: Goats don't need pagers and never get a 'please advise'. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #76: The only way a goat can deliver an 'application' is through its ass. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #77: A goat farmer doesn't care if people can't remotely access his herd. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #78: Goats don't give a shit about email. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #79: No one gives a rat's ass if the goats aren't talking to each other. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #80: Ever heard of a proprietary goat? Why I should quit IT and farm goats #81: A goat doesn't have enough fingers to press Why I should quit IT and farm goats #82: Goats don't argue about it being another goat's problem. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #83: No meetings. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #84: Goats will never need service pack 4. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #85: If a goat had to document every time it took a shit, we would be out of forests. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #86: You fuck the goat, he doesn't fuck you and the whole department. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #87: A goat might bite you in the ass, but he won't fuck you. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #88: If your spouse doesn't authorize the purchase of a new goat, you simply encourage your goats to make one from existing parts. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #89: Goats don't ever ask stupid questions. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #90: Goats don't drive technology dollars away from your automobile lusts. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #91: If a goat takes a "dump" in the middle of the night, you take care of it when you damn well feel like it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #92: Nobody will fire you for connecting "diskless goats" into a "goat server" when they think you should have purchased a massive mainframe goat to connect to a multitude of inexpensive "dumb goats". Why I should quit IT and farm goats #93: ISO is not publishing any standards about how you should be farming your goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #94: Counting from zero instead of one doesn't apply to anything goat farmers do. Hexadecimal is unheard of. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #95: When you sell a goat, you don't need to export it to a format that will be understood by the buyer's ancient goat-reading software. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #96: All your stuff will still work when you buy your 100th goat, and your 256th goat, and your 65,536th goat... Why I should quit IT and farm goats #97: People don't walk up to goat farmers at parties and whine about how they just got a French Alpine and don't know how to milk it. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #98: Nobody can go through your goat and get you in trouble for what they find in there. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #99: You don't have to administer a "user acceptance test" when you deliver goat cheese. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #100: You don't need any special utilities to delete a goat that is not empty. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #101: You don't need or want goats on your desktop, or shortcuts to goats on your desktop. Most goat farmers don't have desktops. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #102: Nothing a goat farmer does requires a mouse. If you have mice, get a cat. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #103: Goat error messages: Goat not found; Goat dead; Goat not awake; Too soon after last milking; Billy goat detected. That's about all. You don't need to look them up anywhere or check them out at goat.com. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #104: There are no read-only goats. There are no hidden or system goats. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #105: You don't need to mail anyone a core dump from a goat to fix a problem. The only time you would do this is to CAUSE a problem. Why I should quit IT and farm goats #106: A goat that doesn't know what time it is will work just fine. You can lead an idiot to water but you can't hold their head under because it's illegal. --Reddit comment on lazy users, 6 Oct 2025 Comment: Imgur is now banned in the UK? Fuck me I guess. Reply: Porn is banned in the UK, so we can't really fuck you. --seen on Reddit, 12 Oct 2025 Like Drew Barrymore, Emacs is roughly 50 years old and looks it. --seen in an Emacs essay on wordpress.com Brandolini's law: The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude larger than to produce it. Bill Paxton is the only actor to have been killed by an Alien, a Terminator and a Predator. --item for a lull in conversation The "S" in IOT stands for security. Duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound. Don't try to explain code to your wife -- try the dog. He'll understand it just as much and be enthusiastic to hear it. --seen on "Hacker News", 24 Oct 2025 Picture this: you work for a masturbation factory in hell. --Daniel Kolitz, "Harpers" article, 25 Oct 2025 Wankbattling: competition in which players rate one another's porn selections on a ten-point scale. --Daniel Kolitz, "Harpers" article, 25 Oct 2025 Comment: You can't put toothpaste back in the tube. Reply: Just put your mouth over the nozzle. --helpful Reddit advice on AI-generated posts, 1 Nov 2025 That's not a clown show, that's a whole circus. --Reddit comment on Brazil IT management, 5 Nov 2025 Uncle Sam lets Google take Wiz for $32B --interesting "Register" headline, 5 Nov 2025 Comment: I was in the military, and China stole my freaking DNA profile. Reply: Gonna be a weird day for you when China's clone army invades us. --Hacker News conversation, 6 Nov 2025 Comment: It's as dumb as a d*ck-size contest. Reply-1: My d*ck is pretty big though. At least, that's what my mom says. Reply-2: Sweet Home Alabama. --Reddit, 10 Nov 2025 "Imposter Syndrome" can be replaced by "Dead Inside". Ask your doctor if "Dead Inside" is right for you. --medical advice on Reddit, 11 Nov 2025 His rose higher than mine, and it's actually more delicious than mine. --Taylor Swift describing Travis Kelce's... sourdough bread His grasp of the written word is shakier than a canoe full of epileptics. --"Cronicles of George", the worst helpdesk technician ever His knowledge of computers is thinner than a Vegas dancer's panties. --"Cronicles of George", the worst helpdesk technician ever Comment: Dead tree storage is nothing to sneeze at. Reply: Have you ever opened a decades-old book? --Reddit, 28 Nov 2025 My learning path through my career looked a lot like a slime mold seeking morsels of food. --Kerrick Long, 28 Nov 2025 IT manager hired internally with zero tech experience? Someone has lipstick in their underwear. --Reddit, 6 Dec 2025 The film is paced with the urgency and focus of a box turtle on lithium. --review of "Manos: The Hands of Fate" On the night pre-deployment, all through the North Pole, not a dashboard was green, not a query was whole. --if IT ran Santa's workshop, 12 Dec 2025 Her nipples were like the 3-inch bolts used to attach the hull to the doomed ship "Titanic". --"Beatrice Blinked", maybe the worst porn novel in history Innocence never trembles before public vigilance. --Robespierre, 26 July 1794, i.e. "nothing to hide, nothing to fear" I think that AI will probably, most likely, sort of lead to the end of the world. But in the meantime, there will be great companies created with serious machine learning. --Sam Altman London has the house prices of California and the income levels of Mississippi. --"Hacker News", 1 Jan 2026 I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert. --ridiculous song lyric on Reddit, 5 Jan 2026 If Facilities puts in new toilets with bidets and Sales keeps going out to the outhouse and wiping their asses with the Yellow Pages, that's not Facilities' problem. --Dept purview according to Reddit, 5 Jan 2026 Golden Ticket: when a user goes to the adjacent urinal and brings something up as idle conversation. --seen on Reddit, 7 Jan 2026 High speed rapid disassembly: NASA term describing what happens to a complex system when you apply stresses beyond what it can handle. Principal Executive Architect Supersized with Extra Sauce --job title seen on Reddit, 29 Jan 2026 I've seen the Terminator films. If all the resistance has to go on is dogs barking and finding em-dashes then we deserve to let Skynet wipe us all out. --seen on Reddit, 3 Feb 2026 The purpose of AI is to make incompetent people difficult to ignore. --seen on Reddit, 3 Feb 2026 I know we can't put the cat back in the bag, but can we at least put the cat in a toilet and sit on the lid while we flush it several times? --Reddit comment about AI slop, 7 Feb 2026 You're huffing farts if you think [LLMs] are anything more than fancy autocomplete. --seen on Reddit, 13 Feb 2026 It doesn't get easier, you just go faster. --attributed to cyclist Greg LeMond (also applies to AI) Reminds me of that guy last year who slept with the idea fairy and used an LLM to make some big dumb PowerShell script to "debloat" his servers. He of course didn't test it, just sent it to production. --seen on Reddit, 15 Feb 2026 Comment: I like the NY Jets. No bot would admit to that. Reply: Dude, most people wouldn't either, not in public. --Reddit discussion on identifying AI slop, 16 Feb 2026 You should be using Ubuntu MATE. --Reddit response to "Debian Lesbian system" announcement, 25 Feb 2026 May thy backups reside upon drives of Seagate! --Reddit r/sysadmin curse, 18 Feb 2026 Always be yourself... unless you suck. --Senator John Kennedy I say this gently: This is why the aliens won't talk to us. --Senator John Kennedy If you trust government, you obviously failed history class. --Senator John Kennedy I believe that our country was founded by geniuses, but it's being run by idiots. --Senator John Kennedy Always follow your heart... but take your brain with you. --Senator John Kennedy I'm not going to Bubble Wrap it: The water in Washington, DC won't clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek. --Senator John Kennedy I have the right to remain silent but not the ability. --Senator John Kennedy Common sense is illegal in Washington, DC. I know, I've seen it firsthand. --Senator John Kennedy I believe that we are going to have to get some new conspiracy theories. All the old ones turned out to be true. --Senator John Kennedy Q: But my code compiles and my detailed report is grammatically correct! A: So is a well-formatted ransom note. --BOFH RFC 406i Rejection of Artificially Generated Slop (RAGS) Personally, I find that learning how to use smartphones "properly" is similar to learning how to use crystal meth "properly". --Ralf Mardorf, 10 Mar 2026 Q: How do you know your girlfriend starts to get too fat? A: She fits in your wife's clothes. --Reddit, 12 Mar 2026 I've always found that rolling random numbers and hoping that they don't lie to me is an effective way of running complex systems. --Dan Ritter, on how AI systems are improving UMD Scientists Create "Smart Underwear" to Measure Human Flatulence --U. of Maryland headline, 10 Feb 2026 "Reporter": Why didn't you inform more of us before the initial attack? Trump: We wanted to make sure it was a surprise. After all, who knows more about surprises than Japan? --press conference while meeting with Japan PM, 19 Mar 2026 I had a prosthetic butthole. It was exciting. --Amanda Seyfried about "The Testament of Ann Lee", 16 Mar 2026 Chuck Norris doesn't use version control, because his programs run the first time. Chuck Norris could punch you over TCP/IP. Chuck Norris knew if his UDP packet arrived. Chuck Norris turned on his PC Sleep Mode by staring at it. Chuck Norris email was google@chucknorris.com Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize until you have tried to make it precise. --Bertrand Russell Stop pushing your problems on everyone else like you're participating for gold in the ass-covering Olympics. --Security theater, 27 Mar 2026 Reading this book was like hanging out with the most annoying students you met in college while they try mushrooms for the first time. --Stephen Marche, 2025 NYT book review I'm not saying that [Mark] Zuckerberg is a lizard in a person-suit, but if I saw him lick his own eyeball I wouldn't be too surprised. --Reddit, 27 Mar 2026 A: I have a 70 year old CTO doing [something stupid]. B: Is your CTO still trying to Crack Enigma? A: With his stories, he was the one that gave Turing the idea. --Reddit, 27 Mar 2026 Full network of clitoral nerves mapped out for first time --Guardian headline, 29 Mar 2026 A: I headbutt the keyboard and I get a random password. B: Your forehead shape will prefer certain keys, killing your entropy. A: You haven't seen my head. I've had a few falls along the way. --Reddit random-password discussion, 30 Mar 2026 Being proactive is rarely rewarded because if your actions avoid a tragedy, there is no tragedy to prove your actions were warranted. --IT advice I'd rather spend my time fixing a malfunctioning scanner in an OR with a guy getting his colon resected. --Reddit comment about working with younger MDs, 31 Mar 2026 SharePoint happened. I won't go into details, mostly because I'd like to sleep again at some point in my life. --Reddit comment, 1 Apr 2026 Why scientists use lawyers instead of rats for experiments: 1. There are more lawyers than rats. 2. You don't become attached to lawyers. 3. There are things that rats just won't do. Verschlimmbesserung: an improvement that makes thing worse. A computer can never be held accountable; therefore a computer must never make a management decision. --IBM internal training, 1979 Emacs gave me carpal-tunnel syndrome because my body wasn't that of a 10-year-old female Chinese contortionist. --Reddit, 12 Apr 2026 Comment: Pine, qmail, and vi. My first threesome. Reply: If you had been invited, it would have been a foursome. Sad. --Reddit editor "discussion", 12 Apr 2026 Hey Iran, our King beats your Strait. Thank you for your attention to this matter. --text sent to Jesse Watters (Fox), 13 Apr 2026 One-eyed retriever finds live grenade --National Examiner headline, 26 Dec 2005 Florida surgeon charged with killing man after removing liver instead of spleen --ArsTechnica headline, 15 Apr 2026 How Long Poop Stays in Your Body May Impact Your Health, Study Finds --ScienceAlert.com article, 20 Apr 2026 Whether poop speeds through your gut like a bullet train or takes a more smell-the-roses approach could have more profound implications for your overall health than a first glance would suggest. --ScienceAlert.com article, 20 Apr 2026 Absolute maniacs run their finances, their spreadsheets, and their fragile grip on reality out of it. --scheatkode writing about Emacs org-mode Latin: Ignorantia sanabilis, stultitia sempiterna. English: Ignorance is curable, stupidity is eternal. --Hacker News What do your brain and deodorant have in common? You don't use either. --seen on Reddit coworker-stories